User:McWooty/Ronald McDonald
“Clowns don't make burgers, that doesn't make any sense.”
Biography[edit | edit source]
Ronald McGoddam Donald, also known as Ronald "the Clownfaced Cunt" McDonald or simply the Penis Clown, is a clown character used as the primary mascot, or insane king, of the McDonald's fast-food restaurant chain. Ronald McDonald has been called the second most recognized figure in the world (after Santa Claus)[1]. In television commercials, the clown inhabits a fantasy world called McDonaldland, and has adventures with his muppet friends, McDonald's former mascots Mayor McCheese, the Hambugger, Grimace, Birdie the Early Turd, and The Stephen Fry Kids. The McDonald's Corporation has also characterized Ronald McDonald as being able to speak 31 different languages including Mandarin, Dutch, Tagalog, and Hindi.[2] In recent years, the "childish" McDonaldland has been largely phased out, and Ronald is instead shown interacting with normal kids in their everyday lives. He was first portrayed on television by Willard Scott.
Many people work full-time making appearances in the Ronald McDonald costume, visiting children in hospitals, but usually scaring rather than comforting them. There are also Ronald McDonald Houses, where parents can stay overnight when visiting sick children in nearby chronic care facilities. Since August 2003, McDonald has been officially recognized as the "Chief Happiness Officer" of the McDonald's Corporation. In 1989 he gunned down Daphne Blake during the final episode of The 14 Ghouls Of Scooby Doo at a Burger King in Hollywood CA. In 1990's McDonald Returns! he shot Brenda Chance in front of Safeway in Hollywood when Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels came to solve a shooting.
Ronald's Early Life[edit | edit source]
Ronald Vissarionovich McDugashvili was born to Joseph Stalin on May 2nd in Moscow, Russia. He was born with frizzy red hair, clown make up and fully clothed in a clown costume, the result of the rare disease, Crappymascotitis.
Stalin soon abandoned Ronald to cover up his son's red-haired heritage, leaving him in a burger box (sent to Stalin as a peace offering by the US). But a passing family of clowns (gypsies) found him in the burger box he was abandoned in. From an early age Ronald found he was addicted to fast food, likely because of his early experience. His family were very poor and could only live off scraps found in the bottom of bins. At this stage Ronald became obsessed with burgers and began manufacturing them out of his bin-scrapings (a recipe which remains unchanged to this day). These proved very popular when he sold them on the streets of Leningrad, but his first experience with fast food was about to be cut short.
One day, while searching a gutter for ingredients, Ronald tried to catch a bird to eat (he never ate his own burgers). But, unknown to Ronald, that bird he had tried to eat was in fact Comrade EAЯLY BIЯD, head of the Edible Devision of the Russian Secret Police. Ronald and his family were evicted from their dustbin and fled to Poland to escape the murderous bird. Here he changed his surname to McDonald to disguise himself as a farmer, but he missed out an 'a'. Stupid Clown.
Sadly his mother died of AIDS while earning money as a prostitute (she couldn't afford contraception). Ronald was blamed for this misfortune and received an ass rape from his older brother, scarring him for life and turning him into a rapist as well as a burger obsessive. He fled to a nearby bar with a few friends and tried to start a band; writing lyrics on the toilet between getting beatings from his manager. During these years, all that came out of the lyrics were.
Ba-da-da-da-donald
Ah, screw it.
During the German invasion of Poland Ronald fed the Polish army with his special burgers, killing them all through food poisoning. This caused him to come to the attention of the Nazis. His skills in mass murder were picked up by the local Nazi government and he was sent to work on top-secret new Burger recipes in Berlin and constantly supplied with "young helpers" to keep him working.
During his time working Germany, Ronald became good friends with the Physicist Albert Einstein, sharing many milkshakes together (yes, that kind of milkshake). Unlike Einstein, Ronald was a fecking retard and had no idea that his food was being used to kill innocent Jews. He fled to the USA with Einstein in 1932, still thinking that his food was delicious and nutritious for the young ones. His rise to fame came swiftly, able to inexplicably mass produce cheap food without actually using meat.
The burgers proved popular, by 2009 more than half of the population had eaten his shit. While the food helps plump up Americans everywhere, it is also the cause of many dead pre-pubescent bodies. More than 900,000 children have been McDonald's victims, either from the food or the rape that followed the meal.
The McDonald's success story[edit | edit source]
On his arrival to America, Ronald was a keen supporter of the war effort, although at first his publicity didn't take off, being overshadowed by the likes Donald Duck (a distant relation of his). He set up his first fast food restaurant in 1939, naming it "McDonalds". His enterprise filled a gap in the food catering market, being both unhealthy and overpriced; the very message of the American dream. His Russian heritage also helped and important officials were often seen supporting their Soviet allies by purchasing traditional Russian food from McDonalds during World War 2. After setting up his first burger joint McDonald teamed up with his old acquaintance, Birdy the early Bird, who had fled the USSR after her husband was executed by Stalin's orders. It is unknown where the Fry Kids came from, although rumours were circulated that they were the children of McDonald and Birdy. This would explain why he never molested them. Still, I wouldn't put it past him.
Soon his business took off, with as many as 20 chains opening a week. But not everything was going well. Suspicions arose about McDonald's former career for the nazis and stories started to spread that he was putting mind-control drugs in his food, this is ridiculous of course, he only ever put normal drugs in his food. Soon things got serious. Ronald was arrested after an alleged kidnapping of an American child, it later turned out that the child was a Mexican, so McDonald was released.
Upon arriving back at McDonalds he discovered a thief trying to steal his secret recipe (a futile action as McDonalds burgers are made of whatever happens to be in the nearest bin/sperm bank). Ronald couldn't call the police because he reminded them of the Joker (see below), so he decided to rape this person, only to discover that they were a fictional character. Friendship soon followed and the former thief was used in McDonald's advertising campaigns. The Hamburgler was (metaphorically) born.
But thiese incidents made the clown see how fragile his position was, he needed to entrench himself in the American psyche. This was the start of a road which would lead Ronald to be an internationally celebrated icon.
The rise and fall of Ronald McDonald.[edit | edit source]
McDonald's singing career[edit | edit source]
After successfully setting up his fast-food business, Ronald decided to pursue a career which would increase his fame so much that no one would question his child-molesting ever again: he became a singer. He got much of his talent from his brother, Michael Jackson; both of whom used cosmetic surgery in an attempt to further their careers. McDonald was initially signed up for a one-record deal, but after debut album Sex with Hitler (I'm lovin' it) (1986)
went triple-platinum, Sony immediately signed McDonald on for a further 4 albums and gave him the keys to the company washroom, where he would make extra cash and have extra time on the crapper.
Ronald McDonald was later heard describing it as the best days of his life. Ronald then released another single in 1988 titled Strangers which encourages children to hop into a stranger's car because they are quite likely to take them to McDonald's. But secretly these cars were working for Ronald and actually took children to Ronald's house.
After rising to the dizzying hights of fame, McDonald couldn't help but lose popularity with each passing single and it seemed he was destined for the big time beating. Fast cars, luxurious mansions, chihuahuas... he wished for it all. As a hobby he would chew on dildos, until one accidentally vibrated and knocked most of his teeth out.
It was at this point in his life when everything started to go wrong. Firstly, notorious ex-girlfriend Michelle Jochum told the press that she was expecting a love-child with McDonald. Jochum had also expressed her love for Scientology and so was not a fit mother for McDonald's baby. McDonald denied any relation had ever taken place, but DNA testing later proved otherwise. This affair was detailed in McDonald's 1991 single "I want my Love Burgers back".
Secondly, McDonald began to push his father, The Joker, out of the limelight with the release of his 1991 EP "Ain't No Jokin' My Joker (I'm the New Clown Prince of Crime)". This lead his whole family to criticize the quality of Ronald's, and eventually publicly denounce him. The Joker now resides on the planet McDonald's Land Def Con 5, with most of the family. He is currently dating Delta Goodrem and Australia's Princess Edna simultaneously, thanks to the country's lax laws on bigamy.
Ronald and Birdie's 1st daughter born in Shitter times
Finally, he suffered an attempt on his life, when fellow gangster rapper, the late, great Threepac fired 8 rounds at him with a cabbage-rifle. He survived, but spent the next 4 months in a series of hospitals, as no single hospital would accept him for more than two weeks after a series of other disappearing patients. McDonald recovered and released his new album Mr. T Ain't Got Shit On Me in 1991, which sparked the hit single Butt Fights'. McDonald realised that he could have died in the attempt on his life, and decided to live each day as if it were his last.
Ronald in his day off[edit | edit source]
Now McDonald's life took a turn for the bizarre. He took up several furry creatures as companions and turned them into his new crew (a trait learned from his brother). His once youthful and boyish good looks were replaced by that of a weathered old man. His locks began to curl and his tanned complexion became more and more pale. It was becoming obvious to all and sundry that something was amiss. His penis took a sharp turn to the left. Yes, that's right kids: Ronald is now 100% gay; as gay as the day is long.
This meant that he would work extra hard to seduce men of all ages with his fast food chain.The Burger King thinking Mcdonald was crazy killed Ronald ,but it was just a clone. He slaughtered and served several women who ate there once they were fat enough, and sold them off to men hungry for oral sex. He calmed down after getting pregnant with his first child, but a warehouse full of bead meatbags would later lead to an arrest.
Appearing on an Oprah special in the mid 80s, McDonald told the millions watching that he was happy in his life and that everything was fine. He also made it quite clear that he was not undergoing cosmetic surgery again, and try to remake his old face. Despite his lies, evidence that his face was undergoing some kind of transformation was finally obvious when he was spotted out shopping complete with large bulbous red nose and a fake vagina. Those closest to him who have agreed to speak to the media have blamed McDonald's clown-like appearance on his obsession with the circus and the countless times as a child when his father whipped him to within an inch of his life while dressed like a ringmaster.Vagina.
The characteristically orange overall is from his days at Guantanamo Bay. It was after a birthday party in McDonald's, Kabul, where he terrorized kids with stupid jokes, balloons and singing. He was detained and immediately deported to Guantanamo.
Arrest[edit | edit source]
On August 28th, 1989, McDonald was detained at Fort Lauderdale International Airport and later arrested for attempted Big Mac smuggling. He was returning from a "spiritual vacation" (read "underage sex holiday") in Afghanistan and his suitcase was filled almost entirely with Big Macs and McBig McDildos. McDonald took a plea bargain and served just six months in gay men prison, but wanted to stay longer because he enjoyed raping men in the showers. Inside. While He Even Loves Birdie The Early bird to improve her shit After being released from Gay Men Prison there was an incident at the Mcdonalds shit fest. A 25 year old women received third degree burns from spilling coffee on herself. A later interview with the faggot himself, Ronald apologized and had finally outed his embarassing addiction to sticking his penis in hot coffee. Ronald ran away, leaving customers staring at their coffee.
In 2004, McDonald was caught at a diner in Mississippi, ass fucking little boys in the washroom. He was arrested and put away in the local prison in Kosciusko, where he was let out on bail by a "mystery man". He also pleaded guilty to calling the payphone at a diner in New Jersey every night at exactly midnight since 1998 looking for "manly love" It was even covered in the hit magazine, Weird N.J.. When asked for comment he replied "I need a man badly, I can't live without one!"
In 2008 he was arrested for removing lettuce from every tenth Big Mac sold, replacing it with Marijuana however he was released after giving the marijuana to the judge saying "It will make you happy and send you on a wonderful adventure"
However it is suspected that marijuana is still a secret ingredient in the making of the Big Mac due to several children and toddlers have been reported seeing Ronald raping them. However, it is unknown if these raping hallucinations really were side effects due to a rash found down under in the shape and colours of Ronald McDonald's head.
Ronald proved these further marijuana allegations wrong when he ate a Big Mac and at first he was fine then later in the month he was reported to have raped a GIRL. That is when everyone knew marujuana was in the burger. He was in a "Correctional Rape facility" for two months
Clones[edit | edit source]
Ronald has the ability to create clones. This is the reason why there are so many of those faggots in restaurants. He can make 1-hour clones, which only last for an hour before melting into a semen puddle. He can also make special permanent clones, but he can only make 1 a day. Michael Jackson first had the idea of cloning himself using his sperm. Later, Ronald McDonald stole his idea and succeeded in making a serum. He injected the serum into his balls and gave him the ability to clone. He just simply ejaculates on the floor and presto! Clones rise from the semen.
Michael Jackson, angry after hearing that his younger brother has successfully stolen his idea, raped him that night. He enjoyed it until MJ threatened his life. Just before MJ injected his poisonous black mamba semen into Ronald, he makes an exact clone of himself and flees. Michael Jackson still tries to hunt him down even to this day.
Customers receive a life time supply of these mcdonalds vibrators only if they ask for the "mythic mac pac"
McDonald's Business Life[edit | edit source]
McDonald is not just renowned for his worldwide raping rapping weird singing status. "status". He is now in fact the head of the 'McDonald's' corporation (AKA FuckDonald's). In November 1996, a failing businessman by the name Ray Croach approached the rapper after hearing of his triple-platinum failure. He did not know the reason why his fast food joint, Salmonella, was sub ceding but believed a new face like Ronald McDonald's would make it look better. After months of being stalked and receiving hate mail, McDonald gave in to Kroc and signed a $10 million contract that would almost overshadow his rap career.
During his early years, McDonald was interested in the adult entertainment business. His main partner was Ronald McJeremy in the production of the movies San Francisco: Wild Nights, I'm So Ronny Tonite, Eat My Big Mac and Ron v. Ron: The Sex of the Century.
Together, McDonald and Kroc created the world's top food corporation, knocking KFC from the long held position. The mixture of addictive crap food and a clown rapper was just too irresistible to America and children of the world. With this initial success, McDonald decided send the other members of his rap group Mc Unit to countries around the globe and spread the chain's grasps. Big P tripled the yearly gross; Miss Birdie Fly proved a hit in 5 countries; Kid Fiddler however did not seem to have any appeal.
With his change in appearance, McDonald became obsessed with his fast food chain. He fired Kroc and entitled himself, 'de Furher' of McDonald's. Seeing that he was the biggest success with children, he began to invite them to his McRanch, calling them the McKiddies. No one was to know what went on in his ranch until 2005. He also added supersize option to every meal, but had to cut down the size after the disastrous 'Supersize Pee' documentary. The kids remained untouched. After being fired, Kroc went into television underneath the motormouth name Alton Brown.
McDonald today[edit | edit source]
McDonald's 1995 albums: Yo Kids Need to Eat Yo Food to Grow Up Phat Like Me and Shut Yo' Fuckin' Face, Bitch! , which were finally released to non-McDonaldians in September 2005 was an immediate flop, shifting just 8 copies in a two week period and spelling financial disaster for McDonald. This had been just the icing on the deep fried cake that is McDonald's downfall. With no extension to his current record deal, McDonald had taken to releasing Greatest Hits album after Greatest Hits album before leaving Sony to join independent label, "Shit Music" and recently released his new solo project "Ron - By Request Only" - a modern take on the easy listening classics of yesteryear.
McDonald has recently been under the spotlight for his controversial scheme to give money to fellow rappers if they include references to his fast food chain in their music and following further allegations that he had been allowing children to sleep in his bed, he was taken to court and narrowly acquitted of being involved with five child actors within the space of four months. Ronald McDonald may also own part of your penis/vagina. He currently controls every kid with these:
Ronald recently opened a charin of Booger King resturaunts that serve poisonous food to the customers in the hope that people would sue Burger King for all of there problems.
Recently McDonald was sued for bait and switch at a Pittsburgh Booger King. During the trial the brother and bodyguard of the victim ,Ross Lugar and Alex Stoyanoff , attacked Ronald and damaged his face beyond reconition. Ronald has decided to go under the knife once again to repair his face.
In May of 2009 Ronald announced he is in a relationship with the fameous politition Bob Barr and that they will be married in June.
McDonald recently purchased the Arby's chain in a useless effort to destroy Burger King.
But We All Know Fred's Snack Station of Loughborough, Sells Miracle Burgers and Will Eventually make McDonalds His Biatch
Sex Change[edit | edit source]
Ronald one day decided he wanted to be a woman the sex change was preformed by Doctor A. Cula, on november 17th year unspecified. He believed his sex change would endouce more young boys to sleep with him and that it would throw the cops off. Sadly due to complications ... Mc Donald had to return to being male. Luckily his penis as never returned, leading him to grow a new one and a mouse as he had seen done so on south park. Sadly , this operation was bungled and his grown penis was mistaken with a biologically grown ear. Now ronald can only have ear sex.
Ronald McDonald and McCafe's[edit | edit source]
Ronald McDonald has recently undergone a long love affair short lived with cafes. He likes the open live gay music, and has been known to strum an acoustic penis once or twice and do a set of buttcheeks. He has recently attempted to make a female repellant and only make those little boys sit with him in the cushy lounging areas to promote raping and child porn in the proud tradition of McDonald's.
This hasn't worked to everyone's tastes; many straight people have complained that their poetry books have been ruined by the amount of weiner cheese that accumulates through thumbing their penises while eating penis fries and cum wraps. Also, some intellectuals have stated that they have become dumber while attempting to masturbate and eat a cock at the same time. Ronald McDonald has not substantiated any of these claims, but he has offered dildos to ease the tension.
True Identity[edit | edit source]
Many Police officers have tried to discover who Ronald McDonald truly is and why he commits horrible crimes. Finally on August 24th 2008, they made a horrific discovery. They discovered that in Ronald McDonald is in reality the son of Batman's arch foe, The Joker. Ronald was taken into custody and confessed it all. He had left many signs about this identity, such as his famous quote "Put a Smile on" and "We love to see you smile". Ronald confessed that his food was his deadliest weapon and that he planned to have America eliminated. He then broke free of his chains and ran laughing and jumped out the window (forgetting it was the seventh floor). McDonalds scooped up his body and made him into a Happy Meal! Yay!
Discography[edit | edit source]
[[Image:Tgwt-ronald-mcdonald.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Ronald in happier times, after his album of the time went gold.]
- Mr. T Ain't Got Shit on Me (1988)
- Ain't No Jokin' My Joker (I'm the New Clown Prince of Crime) (An EP released to attack his father, The Joker) (1991)
- Ya Fucked Now, Fatass! (An EP released in response to the Ron Jeremy supposedly getting fat from McDonald's) (1992)
- McDonald's in Da House (Just Call and We'll Deliver to Yo' Door) (1993)
- Royale With Cheese (1994)
- Yo' Kids Need to Eat Yo' Food to Grow Up Phat Like Me (1995) now just $0.99!
- The Clown Who's Down (ICP diss) off Ronalds new album: "Straight clownin"
- I want to Fry like an eagle (steve miller remix)feat Willam Hung'ry (also off "straight clownin")
- Big Mac Makes You Phat (2000)
- That Shit Ain't Mine (A spoken word album in retalliation to recent child-porn/food poisoning accusations) (2000)
- Colonel Sanders Sucks Less Dick Than Me ('Cause He Ain't Got Kids) (2002)
- What'd Ya Say 'Bout a Ho's Fillet-o-Fish? (2003)
- Bitch Mac: Da Big Mac! (2004)
- Niggaz Ain't Ready for Chicken Selects! (2005)
- Fuck That Nigga Burger King! (2006)
- "McWasted" ( Ronalds upcoming single, to be released in 2012 (2012)
- McFlurry From the Toilet (2007)
- Turn You in to a Big Mac Pimp (2007)
- Blood Ketchup (The Joker Diss Part II) (2008)
- Walken Can Suck My Straw (Diss to the Walken who shot him in a drive by - MC Ronald would eventually survive six shots to the face) (2008)
- Hamburglar's Mom (Has Got it Going On) (Hamburglar diss tape) (2007, uncovered in 2008)
- Wendy Ain't Nothin' But a Ho!!! (In My Garden) (A sell-out album available to kids) (coming 2009)
- Nigga, I'm Broke (coming 2009)
- Grimace Can Fuck Off cause The Clown is Back! (Grimace diss tape) (1996) (Just Discovered)
- Cum Shot America (Single) (2009) Released June 2009, Collaboration With Marilyn Manson
- The High End Of The Fall Of Mcdonalds(2009 Album awaiting release)
- Running To the edge of the frie (Single) (November 2009)
In addition, Ronald has sang backup vocals on a number of top ten singles, including Peg by Steely Dan, Steal Away by Robbie Dupree, and Magnet and Steel by Walter Egan. Shortly after His Live8 duet with Eminem, he appeared as "Young Alex" in flashback scenes in Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange Soda.
Actors[edit | edit source]
At any given time, there are dozens, or possibly hundreds, of actors retained by McDonald's to appear as Ronald McDonald in restaurants and events. It is assumed, however, that the company uses only one actor at a time to play the character in national television commercials. Following is a list of such primary Ronald actors.
- Bruce Wayne (Gotham City, 1963 – 1966)
- Russell Crowe (2000 - )
- Petey Piranha (2008-2008)
- The Joker (impersonated his son from 1999 - 2005)
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Brownell, K.D. (2004). In A. Heintzman & E. Solomon (Eds.) Feeding the future, from fat to famine. Anansi.
- ↑ McDonald's India: Fun Zone
See Also[edit | edit source]
- Fatlas
- BCU
- McDonald's
- Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch
- Clown
- Incest
- The Joker, Ronald McDonald's father.
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