Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch
“McDonald's isn't healthy and the Olympics suck anyway.”
“The Burger King is a clusterfuck of buttfucking.”
Feud Food is a popular daytime gameshow in the United States and parts of Canada in which fast food mascots beat the shit out of each other. In currently airs on CBS with limited commercial breaks!
I'm your host, Big Boy. Get ready for some intense fighting to the death from all those damn fast food mascots! You knew it was coming, and at the end, only one will be crowned the most ass-kicking mascot. Some retired mascots have returned as well, to prove themselves against the heavyweights of the fast-food world. will alliances form? Or will they get grilled? Let's feud, food!
FIRST ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, The Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas, Chihuahua, Pizza Head,
Cow, Jared Fogle,
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Big Boy: Hello and welcome to Feud Food, here at the Feud Factory. The ring's set up and the crowd's going wild for some service. And let me tell you, tonight's is going to be particularly bloody as all eleven of our fighters battle to the death in the same ring. Remember: when one mascot dies, the match is officially over. And here are the competitors now!
This should be interesting folks, they're all climbing into the ring. There appears to be a stare-down between Ronald and Jared. It looks like the big Mc-D isn't too happy about Jared's McDonald's-bashing Subway commercials... And the fight is about to begin when the judge strikes the bell... Ding!
And folks! the Colonel has come out swinging, delivering a hardy uppercut to the Cow's- what is that- an udder? Well, whatever he hit it looks like it hurts now! Ouch! And it looks like Jared and Ronald have paired off! Oh! Ronald's got Jared on the floor! He's beating the crap out of him! Ronald: "I've fought Chicken McNuggets stronger than you, you little assplug!"
And here comes the King- Wow! the King just roundhouse kicked Ronald's face! And he's making a 'bring it' gesture- Ronald's going after him! And Jared's fleeing now, watch him run! Looks like Pizza Head is absolutely destroying Oven Mitt! That's the signature Pizza Slam! Meanwhile, Curly Top's just trying to not be eaten alive by the Chihuahua. That thing's rabid.
Ouch! and a stunning blow to the Burger King's face by Ronald! Wait- what's this!? Dave Thomas' bringing a grill into the ring! Oh my god! Jack got Cow! That bovine battler's almost out of it- Lord! They're- they're frying Cow alive! GOD! Jack is holding Cow's face to the grill! The Colonel's coming to join in and- Oh! a crotch kick to the little Sanders by Dave Thomas! Dave Thomas: "You couldn't do beef for your life, old man! And things are only getting worse for Cow!
Jack: "You'll be fucked up like the rest of them, a-hole!" Cow: "Owww!!!!" Oh, it looks like that Cow is steak now! Ding! And Jack ceremoniously severs Cow's head! Audience: Ewww! Well, that's the end of round one, Cow is officially dead! Check back next time for another Feud Food Deathmatch (Minus Cow)! Now, we just gotta clean up this blood...
Dead: Cow' | By way of: Being Grilled Alive | Killed by: Jack
SECOND ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, The Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas, Chihuahua, Pizza Head,
Cow , Jared Fogle,
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Big Boy: Round Two coming your way, food fans! I'm Big Boy, your announcer. Now let's get this fuckfest underway.
The fighters are entering the ring, you may remember that Cow was killed rather brilliantly in the last exciting round. Rivalries have formed, and even some partnerships, temporary, I'm sure.
The mascots are entering the ring! And... Ding! Another round has started! Ow!! Ronald's just swung around and struck Curly Top! And he's down! Wait folks, The Colonel has pitched the Chihuahua across the ring! It's trying to eat Pizza Head!
Ronald's laying down the law unto Curly Top in a very painful way! Ooo... He's standing over the cone beating him like a dog! And- huh? The Oven Mitt has grabbed Ronald's leg and overturned him! Mickie-D didn't take that lightly!
Jared's coming now and- just stomped Ronald's head! Jared: "Hey, old McDonald, I guess less calories is better! you call that crap you serve food??" Dave Thomas and the Colonel are also in a brawl! But-
Oh ladies and gentlemen! Ronald's just grabbed Jared by the leg and is throwing him around like a rag doll! And he's thrown him into the middle of the ring! And the King has just given Sanders a Whopper to the jaw! Sanders is down! Sweet Jesus- and Ronald is actually wearing Oven Mitt to give Jared a McFlurry of punches to the face! How much more can he handle?? The crowd is cheering! Sanders can't seem to take any more punishment from the King! Woah there! Jack's got something to serve! An enormous headbutt to the King!
Ding! Wait- that's the bell! Somebody has died! But who? Is it the King? No, it's Oven Mitt! Apparently, he died while being smashed repeatedly into Jared's face! And Ronald looks angered as he makes it to center stage... He's exchanging remarks with Jared... Ronald: "I'll kill your ass next time stone-fucker." Jared's one lucky bastard. And that's it, folks! Oven Mitt is officially dead and now- ripped apart by Ronald! See you in Round Three!
Dead: Arby's Oven Mitt | By way of: Being Smashed Against Jared's Face | Killed by: Ronald McDonald
THIRD ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, the Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas, Chihuahua, Pizza Head,
Cow Jared Fogle,
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Big Boy: Hey there, food fans! It's your host, Big Boy! Welcome back to Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch! Those of you who missed last time missed out on the Arby's Oven Mitt gettin' smashed into pieces! Well, it's time for more bloodshed!
Big Boy: The fighters are making their way to the ring! OOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Ronald McDonald starts by kicking Jared Fogle right in the McRibs! "Ronald: You're gonna die, you fucktard!" Jared replies with a thunderous spinebuster! Looks like Dave Thomas is absolutely whupping the shit outta the Chihuahua! Curly Top is beating the Burger King like a penis with an STD! But the King fights back with a powerslam! And now the Chihuahua is taking a bite outta Pizza Head! What carnage!!! Jared looks hungry! Let's see what he's got to say! "Jared: I'm sick of those Subway Subs! I'm in the mood for pizza! OH SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST!!!!!! Jared has just eaten Pizza Head! And that ends round 3 folks! Tune in next time for Round Four!
Dead: Pizza Head | By way of: Getting Eaten | Killed by: Jared Fogle
FOURTH ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, the Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas, Chihuahua, Pizza Head,
Cow, Jared Fogle,
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Hi, I'm Big Boy again and we're gonna see some very bloody carnage! If you didn't see Pizza Head's fate, then it's late, but you can still see it. Ronald McDonald seems to give a Big Mac to the face against Jared! Let's see what he has to say: "Ronald McDonald: Time to die you cold-headed mutha-fucka! You're cold-blooded, but you're gonna feel the heat!" Oh! Looks like Ronald McDonald gave a Happy Meal into the McRibs again! Oh! Chihuahua continues to eat Curly Top! Seems like the Burger King gave it to Colonel Sanders! Oh no! Jack gave Jared Fogle a Bonus Jack! Seems like Jared flees. Oh No!It seems like Jack threw JITB Curly Fries into Jared! Oh No! Hes choking! But he barely survives. Uh Oh! The bell just rang! Who died? It seems like Curly Top Died! He was eaten by Chihuahua! Wow! This never stops! Curly Top is officially DEAD! Let's see what Chihuahua has to say: "Chihuahua: Bark bark bark! Grrrr..."
Dead: Curly Top | By way of: Eaten by Chihuahua | Killed by: Chihuahua
FITFTH ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, the Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas, Chihuahua, Pizza Head,
Cow, Jared Fogle,
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Welcome back to Feud Food: Drive Thru Deathmatch. I'm your host Big Boy, with big bloody carnage. Curly Top is dead and remember that, that was something big. Let's see if Ronald McDonald may kill his rival. And let's see who kills who. Oh! Seems like Ronald McDonald gave another Happy Meal to Jared in the McFace. "Ronald McDonald: You should burn in Hell Jared!" And he jumps him! PWNED! How much can he take?!? Uh oh, looks like the Burger King kicks some Wendy's ass by giving a BK Triple Stacker to Dave Thomas. Doesn't look too good. Uh oh! Jared Fogle just got a Heart Attack Punch by Ronald McDonald and the bell rings! DING DING! Jared Fogle is officially dead! "Ronald McDonald: YES, YES, YES! Who's your bitch now, Jared? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Seems like this was a bloody match! Tune in next time in FEUD FOOD: DRIVE THRU DEATHMATCH.
Dead: Jared Fogle | By way of: Heart Attack | Killed by: Ronald McDonald
SIXTH ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, the Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas, Chihuahua, Pizza Head,
Cow, Jared Fogle
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Welcome back to Feud Food and thanks for tuning in. I'm your commentator, Big Boy. Remember what happened to Jared Fogle?He got pwned in a Death Match. Let the blood begin!
Seems like Ronald McDonald gave The Burger King a big punch. Chihuahua seems to bite the Hell out of Dave Thomas. Uh Oh!Looks like Jack grabs a Jumbo Jack and hits the back of Burger King's head with it! Oh, what's happening here? Seems like Dave Thomas grills the Burger King! Chihuahua flees out of the arena. Jack grabs Burger King and throws him into the Grill! He's frying into a Whopper! He's officially dead! DING DING! Chihuahua is also eliminated, as he fled the arena. The King is officially dead! All that remain are 4 contestants.
Dead: | The Burger King | By way of: | Grilled | Killed By:Jack
SEVENTH ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, the Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas Chihuahua Pizza Head,
Cow, Jared Fogle
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Thanks for tuning in to Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch. I'm your host, Big Boy, and we're ready to see the Contestants: Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas, Jack, and Colonel Sanders! Chihuahua fled while Burger King was grilled. Let's get to the gore-fest!
Ouch! Looks like Dave Thomas gave a Stack Attack to Colonel Sanders! Ronald McDonald gives a Double Quarter Pounder WITH CHEESE to Jack. Uh oh, Jack just spices things up, kicking Ronald McDonald in the McRibs and giving him a DOUBLE BONUS JACK! Ouch, that's got to hurt! How much can he take?!? Oh, look out - my table! Colonel Sanders just threw Dave Thomas into the table. I'm gonna need a new table in the next episode... Oh no, Dave Thomas was thrown into the crowd! That 118-year-old man is gonna die! But wait a second! Colonel Sanders gave a Bucket O' Chicken Punch to Dave Thomas! This is bloody and gory, folks! Oh, it seems like Ronald McDonald was given a Curly Fry Punch with delicious goodness, but hard PAIN! Uh oh! The bell rang! Who died? Dave Thomas just died! He was given a Spartan Attack by Colonel Sanders, very fatal. "Colonel Sanders: YEAH!Die, you fuck!" He is ecstatic and pissed at the same time! Wowsers! And that leaves just 3 contestants standing!
Dead: | Dave Thomas | By way of: | Spartans | Killed by: | Colonel Sanders
EIGHTH ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, the Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas Chihuahua Pizza Head,
Cow, Jared Fogle
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Hello, I'm your host, Big Boy, with more Feud Food: Drive Thru Death Match. We just saw Dave Thomas on the bad end of a Spartan Attack by Colonel Sanders! Those were some swift strikes. Now I've got a co-commentator: The Carl Jr's star. It will be great today, Big Boy! I'm exited to see some REAL carnage now that we're down to three contenders. Now then, let's go to the action and DEATH! MUHAHAHAHAH!
Oh! Ronald McDonald gave a Happy Meal to Colonel Sanders, and he is NOT HAPPY! Jack is happy to get the Jack's Kids Meal against Colonel Sanders. And Ding Ding! Colonel Sanders suffers from a Heart Attack! That just happened randomly! It was likely because of Jack's and Ronald McDonald's combined Kids Meals: the grease input was too high for Sander's body to take, and so he had a Heart Attack! Very random, indeed. Seems like Colonel Sanders is being taken to the local hospital. Big suffering. And that leaves just two blood-thirsty opponents in the arena to fight to the death here on Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch!
Dead: | Colonel Sanders | By way of: | Heart Attack | Killed by: | Ronald McDonald and Jack
NINTH ROUND[edit | edit source]
Current (Not Dead) Competitors (at start of round):
Ronald McDonald, the Burger King,
Jack, Colonel Sanders,
Dave Thomas Chihuahua Pizza Head,
Cow, Jared Fogle
Oven Mitt, Curly Top
Here we are, the bloody final round of FEUD FOOD: DRIVE THRU DEATH MATCH! I'm Big Boy with my buddy, the Carls Jr Star. There's been some bad blood between ol' Mickie D and Jack in the past couple of rounds - let's see how this hated rivalry will climax in the finale! Let's get right to the fight!
Oh no, Ronald McDonald gets jumped by Jack! Ronald McDonald gave a big-ass Cheeseburger to Jack in retaliation! It's aggressive! Ronald McDonald grabs a chair! Jack does too! They both hit themselves! Both rise weakly to their feet. Looking around, Jack spots a ladder! Jack grabs the ladder and jumps on Ronald! Uh oh! Ronald gets back up and picks up another chair, smacking Jack in the head! Jack is feelin' the 'G's now! How much can these two fierce rivals take?!? Ronald McDonald is barely awake while Jack is still down. Ronald stares down at his opponent for a few seconds, then pulls out his ultimate weapon: the feared Big Mac! He opens Jack's mouth, shoves it down his throat, and forces him to chew. Jack's face turns purple, his eyes bulge... and he is no more. DING DING! Ronald is officially the winner! Let's see what he has to say on this glorious occasion: "Ronald McDonald: Yeah, that's right! You all saw that! That's why ol' McDonald's still the champ! Any jack-ass gets in my way and I rough 'em up!" "Crowd:WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Wait, what's this? Ronald has tripped and it turns out he is actually Jesus! Oh dear, Gods can't enter the Feud Food Death Match. I'm afraid that means he's disqualified. By breaking the rules, he is now being punished by being beaten to death by Frenchmen with baguettes! There are no winners this time around =[. Well, that's the end of another exciting Death Match! I'm Big Boy and this is the Carls JR star, and we hope we will start a FEUD FOOD: DRIVE THRU DEATMATCH SEASON 2! Stay tuned to catch "The Matrix" here on Spike TV - truly good stuff. Until next time, dear fans!
Dead: | Jack | By way of: | Getting punched | Killed by: | Ronald McDonald RONALD IS OFFICALY THE WINNER!