Zombie Reagan
“Send this Bastard to Gulag”
“Mr.Gorbachev, tear down this wall”
“America is losing too many brains to China. Also, ketchup, french fries, and pizza are vegetables. Don’t study indigenous languages, don’t question our country’s history, and don’t drink that protein shake.”
Ronald Wilson Reagan (February 6, 1911 – March 30, 1981) was the reanimated corpse of the 40th President and first fascist of the United States, Ronald Reagan. He is was the leading head of the GOP and lead all public opinion polls as the preferred Republican candidate for the Presidency in 2020, resulting in his nomination. Zombie Reagan was brought back from the dead by GOP leaders in December, 2009 in a top secret facility in Dead Indian Land, California.[1] The $2.2 million procedure brought Reagan's corpse back to life after artificially creating a lightening storm that sent 1.21 jigawatts of electricity surging into the body, also creating a power usage on an Osage reservation during a powwow.
The money was raised by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and the people of Cauliflower. Zombie Reagan lost the 2012 Presidential Election to Ohbummer, and while he did run again for the 2016 Election, he lost the republican nomination to Dookie Dump, resulting in a lawsuit. He was unable to run in 2020 because the zombified state of his brain forced him to be in a wheelchair for a short while, meaning he could only walk, eat fried bread, and fling fudge at “Indians”.
Reagan was described by George W. Bush as "a collossal prick of a political figure. He made me puke my fucking guts out, after he gave me too much ketchup frybread pizza." Reagan is also well known for being the only US President to have a Secretary of ASStrology in his Cabinet, for which he was honored as Time's Man of the Year.
Death of a Legend, Rebirth of a Star[edit | edit source]
Ronald Reagan passed away on June 5, 2004 because he was shot by Terminator Zombie Reagan who came from an estimated year of 2893 His body was interred at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, Cauliflower. There it passed into a state of decomposition and decay, making the President's body nearly unrecognizable. His stomach contained too much frybread, affecting his ability to flee from TZR.
Michael Steele, pornstar, destroyer against indigenous language books, and former head of the GOP, concocted a plan to resurrect Reagan in order to re-unite the country's conservatives to “destroy all Indians”. Shortly before dawn on 2 December 2009 the sound of jackhammers and electric guitars could be heard coming from the President's gothic tomb. When local detectives arrived on the scene, there was a gigantic hole where the Presidents casket had been laid to rest. After nearly 5 years at rest, the President was on the move. The body was taken to a secret Republican laboratory in Santa Monica where it was resuscitated by means of having large amounts of electricity jump start the decayed heart. Along with other unspecified and deeply guarded secret methods (rumors are that scientists used tainted blood from psychotic rabbits), the President's body was reanimated, fed Navajo blood, and Zombie Reagan was born.
New Political Career[edit | edit source]
Michael Steele announced with other prominent Republicans in a press conference that they had brought Ronald Reagan back from the grave on December 6, 2009. Zombie Reagan took the podium and delivered a 12-minute speech of grunts and moans which was greeted thereafter with a 6 minute standing ovation. The very next day Steele stepped down as Grand Dragon of the RNC and handed over the keys to Reagan's rotting corpse.[2] Zombie Reagan has since appeared in multiple GOP-sponsored ads of a generic nature, reaffirming Zombie Reagan's commitment to small settler colonial town values. The fact that he has no mental capacity, can’t read basic Choctaw words, and tends to eat people is not a significant issue to the party faithful, and barely registers for independent voters, a huge plus for Zombie Reagan.
In order to convince more party leaders that he is indeed the man for the job in the GOP, Zombie Reagan invited Gov. Bobby Jindal and Florida Gov. Charlie Crist to an all night strategy session at a remote mountain retreat. The following day, Jindal returned to Louisiana and has since been singing Reagan's praises. To be fair though, the word "Reagan" is all he says now amidst grunts, moans, and screeching “FRYBREAD IS HEALTHY!” during supper time.
Strangely, Crist has not been seen since the retreat and Florida launched a nationwide search for the governor, fearing he had pulled a Mark Sanford and gone after some South American Quechan hottie. A youtube video purporting to show Crist feasting on an old Cherokee lady's arm in Oklahoma has since surfaced. Florida and the Seminoles have not commented on the matter.
Potential Controversy[edit | edit source]
Constitutional issues arise from the possibility of Zombie Reagan running for president since individuals are limited to two elected terms. The Democratic Party promptly filed a lawsuit which has been expedited to the Supreme Court. in DNC v. Reagan, Democratic lawyers argued that Zombie Reagan and Ronald Reagan are the same individuals and thus Zombie Reagan would be barred from running for the Office of President. Republican lawyers, however, argued that Zombie Reagan, since he is simply the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan, is not in fact Ronald Reagan, but rather a "fresh new face of the political scene, ready to eat your heart out." The case, which went on trial on February, 2010, resulted in a stalemate, followed by an out-of-court settlement of $500,000 for every year Zombie Reagan Lives. On the 5th of July 2010, Zombie-Reagan was found drunk in a parking Lott at 3:00am in the morning. At a recent press conference, Zombie-Reagan claimed that Sarah Palin spiked his drink in an attempt to ruin him once and for-all. Palin pleaded innocent on the count that she was indeed giving birth. On July 18, 2016, 2 mouths before Election day, Zombie Reagan filed a lawsuit against Businessman and President-Elect Donald Trump, accusing him of rigging the Nomination in favor of himself and his running mate, Mike Pence[3]. The Case, Reagan v. Trump, received no attention, as all of the people who would give a fuck was caught up in, on one side, Trump's victory of becoming the Republican nominee, and the other side, who would become the democratic nominee. a week before election day, the case was settled out of court for a small loan of a million dollars.
Political Achievements[edit | edit source]
Perhaps Reagan's best and most well known program was known by the code-name Strategic Defense Initiative or Operation Star Wars, Reagan asked for the United States to develop a system to defend against mutually assured destruction. In his Alzheimer's riddled brain, the most realistic idea that he could come up with was ground or space based lasers to just shoot the missile. Considered a great success today, as even many United States citizens do not know that the system defends the US from millions of nuclear attacks daily.
Reagan also had great success during the Iran-Iraq War, where he sold weapons to both sides (a move that his close friend Saddam Hussein called "really fucked up, bro"). Reagan's disdain for morality in the face of advancing his geopolitical strategy showed that he indeed was a "cold-blooded mf". Reagan's other foreign policy successes included briefly dating Mikhail Gorbachev, supporting the completely moral and just politician Augusto Pinochet, and something about a wall.
Domestically, Reagan was one of the nation's most prolific drug dealers.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The Onion, America's Finest News Source
- ↑ USA Today, front page 7 December 2009
- ↑ What about that One Russian?
See also[edit | edit source]
