US Department of Penile Extrication

Seal of the U.S. Department of Penile Extrication

The United States Department of Penile Extrication (DOPE) is an executive department of the United States Government primarily responsible for managing incidents in which the President, Vice President, or other White House officials get their penises stuck in various objects. Founded in 1987 after the Third Ronald Reagan Pickle Jar Incident, this department has handled dozens of cases and saved countless lives, and is considered the most important department in the government. The department is led by the Secretary of Penile Extrication, who is randomly selected from the United States civil population every year.

History

On May 8, 1987, at 3:00am, while on a diplomatic trip to the White House kitchen, President Ronald Reagan tripped and fell, getting his penis stuck in a pickle jar. After several attempts, Vice President George H.W. Bush managed to pull it out. According to Bush, this was the third such incident since Reagan took office.

The following day, Congress voted unanimously to create a new department of government responsible for getting Ronald Reagan's member unstuck from pickle jars. In the following decades, the department's responsibilities have expanded to include removing other Presidents' dicks from a variety of objects.

Like many other government departments and agencies, the Department of Penile Extrication was disbanded in early 2025 after the Secretary of Penile Extrication lost to Elon Musk in hand-to-hand combat.

List of notable incidents handled by D.O.P.E.

• May 10, 1987: Ronald Reagan got his penis stuck in the same pickle jar under the same circumstances, leading to the Fourth Ronald Reagan Pickle Jar Incident. As a Secretary of Penile Extraction had not yet been appointed, every member of Congress took turns attempting to pull it out.
• May 12, 1987: Ronald Reagan got his penis stuck in a different pickle jar. This is known as the Sixth Ronald Reagan Pickle Jar Incident, due to one congressman's fear of the number 5.
• May 31, 1987: Ronald Reagan got his penis stuck in a vacuum cleaner. After a three-day congressional debate, it was decided that D.O.P.E. would assist the situation, despite the absence of a pickle jar.
• June 12, 1987: Ronald Reagan got his penis stuck in a crack in the Berlin Wall. Attempts to remove it caused severe structural damage, leading to the wall's eventual destruction.
• January 12, 1988: Vice President George Bush slammed his penis in a car door.
• January 20, 1989: George Bush, freshly inaugurated as President, slammed his penis in a car door a second time.
• December 13, 1989: While on a visit to the White House, Mikhail Gorbachev got his penis stuck in a vase.
• November 1, 1995: President Bill Clinton got his penis stuck in Monica Lewinsky. He later denied this incident.
• November 2, 1995: First Lady Hillary Clinton got her penis stuck in Monica Lewinsky, while Bill watched from the cuck chair.
• December 19, 1998: Bill Clinton got his penis stuck in a peach.
• January 20, 2001: On his first day in office, President Blevins O'Leary got his penis stuck in a bottle of expired limited-edition Star Wars: The Phantom Menace tie-in Pepsi. It took the Secretary of Penile Extrication sixteen hours to remove it. Immediately after it was removed, he got his penis stuck in a beehive. The incident was so embarrassing that the White House removed O'Leary from office and removed any record that he had ever been President.
• September 11, 2001: President George W. Bush got his penis stuck in the north tower of the World Trade Center. The process of removing it caused the building to collapse. Minutes later, he got it stuck again in the south tower.
• July 31, 2003: Somehow, Ronald Reagan returned, and got his penis stuck in yet another pickle jar.
• March 5, 2004: Vice President Dick Cheney got his penis stuck in another penis. Some linguists argue that this incident is the origin of the word "dick".
• April 2, 2009: President Barack Obama got his penis stuck in a pickle jar, Reagan-style. While the Secretary of Penile Extrication tried to remove it, he stuck his secret second penis in another pickle jar.
• October 10, 2010: Vice President Joe Biden slammed his penis in the door of the Air Force One right as it was about to take off. He spent the duration of the flight flopping around on the outside of the plane.
• November 1, 2014: The Secretary of Penile Extrication removed the bagel that had been stuck to Abraham Lincoln's penis for exactly 150 years.
• May 28, 2016: Biden's penis fell into the gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo. A young silverback named Harambe sacrificed his life retrieving it, and was posthumously canonized as a saint.
• February 1, 2017: President Donald Trump pooped his pants. As the Secretary of Diaper Duty was under house arrest, the Secretary of Penile Extrication had to change him.
• June 30, 2018: Donald Trump got his penis stuck inside a bald eagle. Bald eagles are federally protected by the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act of 1940, and 32 of Trump's 34 criminal convictions are due to this incident.
• January 6, 2021: Vice President Mike Pence was instructed to disrupt the 2020 Presidential Election by impaling his confusingly long penis through every voting machine in the United States at the same time. He refused, and President Trump's most ardent supporters retaliated by sticking their penises in every orifice in the Capitol Building.
• January 20, 2021: President Joe Biden got his penis stuck in a tissue box. He didn't seem to notice, and the Secretary of Penile Extraction didn't want to be rude and point it out. It was later removed at the end of his term on January 20, 2025.
• July 1, 2022: Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got her penis stuck in a cup of blue raspberry-flavored Icee. This incident, dubbed the Minions: The Rise of Gru incident, sparked nationwide debate about penile extrication reform.
• Sometime before July 22, 2024: Vice President Kamala Harris got her penis stuck in a bratwurst bun, and the Secretary of Penile Extrication was unable to remove it. This information was kept under wraps for an unknown amount of time, before popstar and suspected foreign agent Charli XCX leaked the secret via a cryptic tweet: "Kamala is brat".
• February 14, 2025: Vice President JD Vance got his penis stuck between two couch cushions in the Oval Office. The Department of Government Efficiency had dissolved the Department of Penile Extrication the night before, so he was unable to free himself and is stuck to this day.

Scandals and controversies

Allegations of corruption

In 2004, over 10,000 sex-having Americans filed a class-action lawsuit against Goofy's Tubes O' Lube (a subsidiary of The Walt Disney Company and America's foremost supplier of sexual lubricant), alleging that the company had been putting sand in their bottles instead of lube. Over the course of the trial, it was revealed that nine out of the previous ten Secretaries of Penile Extrication had engaged in corporate sabotage against the lube industry, in order to increase the chances of a government official's penis getting stuck and justify the Department's existence. The Department was ordered to pay $500 in damages.

Allegations of communism

Since 2019, Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell has cited the "alarming" number of "secret communists" in the Department of Penile Extrication as the number one threat to national security.

Minions: The Rise of Gru incident

On July 1, 2022, after an opening-night screening of Minions: The Rise of Gru, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got her penis stuck in a cup of blue raspberry-flavored Icee, and required the Department of Penile Extrication to get it unstuck. Ocasio-Cortez alleged that it took multiple penile extractors six hours to get it removed, that they were not trained to handle a penis with a flaccid length over five inches, and that they were generally unpleasant to talk to. This incident sparked nationwide protests and debate surrounding penile extrication reform.

Penile extrication at the state and municipal levels

Eight states (California, Colorado, Michigan, Minnesota, New Mexico, Oregon, Vermont, and one of the Dakotas) have a state-level Department of Penile Extrication, tasked with removing the governor's penis from various objects.

Vaginal copycats

In 2014, Colorado established the Department of Strategic Yonic Invervention, which removes objects lodged in state officials' vaginas.

Penile extrication in Florida

In 2021, after reportedly spending six hours with his penis stuck in a car's tail pipe, a Florida lawmaker pushed for the state government to create its own Department of Penile Extrication. Governor Ron DeSantis responded by claiming that such a department would undermine traditional Floridian values. He then declared it illegal to help anyone remove their penis from an object in which it is stuck. It is alleged that DeSantis told car manufacturers to make their cars even sexier, so more people would get their penises stuck in them.

Penile extrication in New York

In January 2026, New York City mayor Zohran Mamdani renamed the NYPD to the New York Penis Defenders, and tasked them with assisting all New Yorkers (and some New Jerseyans if they ask politely) after they jam their penises in the subway doors. Subsequently, New York's annual number of penis-related deaths dropped from 11,000,000 to four and fifteen-sixteenths, not counting Staten Island.