Monica Lewinsky's résumé

Monica Lewinsky, circa 209 Kilos.

Monica Lewinsky's résumé pretty much sums up why her parents consider her a complete failure at life. It has recently been announced that in 2013 it is to be made into a direct to video movie staring Anne Hathaway.

Contents of Monica's résumé

1989-1990: Wienerschnitzel

This is what the dress Monica wore to her first day on the job. According to her mother it took two boil washes to remove the accumulation of fatty weiner juices from the material.

In 1989, 16-year-old Lewinsky landed her first job: a clerk at the fast food chain Wienerschnitzel. Co-workers described Lewinsky as "lazy" and "really not that attractive." After just ten short months, Lewinsky was dismissed from her permission after a large number of sausages went missing from the district manager's office. Although it could not be proven that Lewinsky had gobbled down the manager's sausages, she was nonetheless fired, under the pretext that she created a hostile work environment by menstruating too loudly.

1993-1995: Office manager

Lewinsky would not hold a job for another four years, until age 20. In 1993, while attending Lewis & Clark college in Portland, Oregon, she took a job as the manager of a small law office. However, Lewinsky's job performance was uneven. For example, one of her duties was keeping the office tidy, but her boss quickly observed that while she spent a great deal of time polishing the doorknobs, she rarely bothered to clean up various stains around the building. Lewinsky was eventually let go, under the pretense that she had been stealing paper clips.

1995-1998: White House intern

After graduating from college, Lewinsky took a job as a White House intern. Co-workers described Lewinsky as "unmotivated" and "unusually lumpy." Soon after Lewinsky was hired, paper clips began to go missing. Because of her previous references, her supervisors were fairly sure that she was stealing them, but were unable to prove it. Ultimately, Lewinsky was let go, under the pretense that she had repeatedly fellated the President of the United States.

1999: Selling knitted handbags

For some reason, Lewinsky spent most of 1999 selling knitted handbags. Her business failed after many of the bags were returned, accompanied by complaints that they had arrived with stains on them.

January 2000 to April 2000: Jenny Craig spokeswoman

In January 2000, Lewinsky signed a deal with Jenny Craig that, in exchange for $1 million, she would lose 40 pounds. Lewinsky failed. She was swiftly canned from this job for being too fat. It was not a pretext.

2000 to 2004: Author

From 2000 to 2004, Lewinsky attempted to make a living as an author. Her first and only book, "My Life," took four years to write despite employing a ghost writer. When the book was finally published, it was discovered that it consisted mostly of Xeroxed ketchup stains and doodles of obese women eating frankfurters. Given that the book probably took approximately three weeks to compile, it is not known what Lewinsky was otherwise doing from 2000 to 2004.

2005-present: Being a fat British Jew

In 2005, Lewinsky moved to the United Kingdom, apparently to continue being fat.

This concludes Monica Lewinsky's résumé.

See Also

• Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress