Logic

“Can your logic explain why sometimes things happen, and sometimes they don't?”

~ God on logic

“Face it, you haven't got a fucking clue have you?”

~ Kurt Godel on logic

“Erm, Yeah...What He Said...”

~ Logic on God

“If nonexistent logic was, make sense my sentences would.”

~ Yoda on Logic

“If I am dead I dont smoke, therefore if I smoke I live.”

~ Brittish Tobacco Association on Logic

Logic is, or might be, or might not, or both. It depends on whether it is not not-logic, or, indeed, something else altogether. If it is something else then it is something else. Always assuming, of course, that something else is not, in fact, it. And that's what it is. Or, you know... Not.

An example of perfect sense and logic.

Ownership

Unbeknownst to many, logic was sneakily patented by British comedian Bernard Manning in 1963. Mr. Manning has since set up a center for Logic and Epistemology at his Embassy club in Manchester. Though he did not invent logic, no one had yet bothered to claim it as their intellectual property, although recently a 14 year old girl from England claimed she invented logic as a way to stop World War 2, these claims lay unresolved. Mr. Manning registered the rights, quote, "as a precaution against other fuckers who might seek to charge for any fucking benefits". In recent times, the center has proven that when an unstoppable mother-in-law meets with an unmoveable mother-in-law, there will be a great big row that can be heard all down the high street.

Though usually quite indulgent in allowing other people free access to logical thought, Mr. Manning will sue if there is perceived misuse, such as liberal association with St Thomas Aquinas, St Augustine, foreigners or other medieval philosophers (see Fallacy). If you would like to use logic in any way, but are unsure of the implications, you should first contact him by wrapping your request in a brick and throwing it at him.

Promotion

The greatest 20th century exponent of logic was, of course, Dr. Spock. Rather than debate the nature of logic itself, Spock devoted his life to pointing out what things are logical and what things are not logical. Cheese sandwich? Logical. Floating Walrus? Not logical. In this way, Spock taught the concept of logic to a vast generation of hippies who would otherwise never have heard of it.

Fuzzy Logic

.Fuzzy logic was invented by a good friend of Mr Spock. (one Bertrand Russell), despite living in different millenniums. He got the idea after a time trip with Mr. Spock during which his dog Fuzzy went into the washing and drying machine and became all fuzzy. This made him think of a new logic that does not have only two set of states - false or true but in fact any number of them such as - You Lie!, No Way!, It could be possible and Most likely. His logic went to later discovery of use by a washing machine which unfortunately ended his life in a horrible accident involving Klingons, two washing machines and a piece of corn. It should not be mistaken with the theory of probability which 2 out of 3 sections on the spinner say is shit. i.e. Boky hasn't got an aquarium, which means he doesn't like fish, which means he doesn't like animals, who doesn't like animals doesn't like humans, which means he doesn't like women, which means Boky is gay.

History

Logic was invented by Socrates as a way of avoiding taxes and oppressing women. He also invented the logical syllogism, which is a kind of Greek joke. This is an example of a syllogism:

1. All men are mortal, (A⊂B)
2. Socrates is a man, (C∈A)
3. Socrates should be put in a lower income tax bracket. (C → Satirical comment on the Greek taxation system)

Another form of syllogistic logic is the metaphor, which actually uses a logical fallacy created by improperly associated syllogisms, as in this example:

1. All men die. (A⊂B)
2. Grass dies. (C⊂B)
3. Men are grass. (A=C)

Another example of syllogistic logic:

1. Lemon sole has nothing to do with lemon. (A⊂B)
2. Man has nothing to do with lemon. (C⊂B)
3. Man is a lemon, from Sicily. (A→C)

Though this statement is a fallacy, it would hold true if ...

1. I am the walrus. (D→A=C)

Types

There are many kinds of logic, but by far the most important is Lumberjack logic, which is a kind of reasoning used by Lumberjacks to fell large trees.

A tree that doesn´t fall and instead hangs in midair is called "illogical" and in most of Canada is considered a delicacy.

Notably the Giant Redwood, the Larch, the Fir, the Mighty Scots Pine, the Lofty Flowering Cherry, the Plucky little Aspen, the Limping Roo tree of Nigeria, the Towering Wattle of Aldershot, the Dyslexic Brich, the Maidenhead weeping water plant, the Naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak, the flatulent Elm of West Ruislip, the Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni, the Epigillus, and the Barter Hughius Greenus. The ultimate goal of logic is to show nothing can be proved. Gödel provided the first steps toward the realization of this dream in 1931 with his so-called "Completely Incomplete Theorem," a tour-de-force of metalogic that proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are some well-formed statements about which "we can't say shit." Intuitionists have taken issue with his proof, however, due to what they claim to be "excessively precise and systematic rigor."

Another important kind of logic is taxi driver logic. This assumes that folds in the space time continuum cause routine journeys to expand and contract depending on the point of view of the driver. By a process of deduction, experienced drivers can work out exactly where the traffic will be heaviest in advance of actually getting stuck in it. The complex rules of this logic also provide a manifold of explanations for missing change.

According to most logicians, falsum is the summum of all logic.

A very notable test of the principals of logic is to use the theoretic question of all existence featured in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, 6 X 9 = 42. this is absolutely true, and even more truer in a base 13 numeral system. if your calculator does not give this answer, it is a racist nazi.

Unfortunately Logic died in the year 2003, which now explains the incredible rise of stupidity in America and the British health and safety board. (I mean seriously, kids can't play conkers because they may be blinded by flying shards of shell????)

Woman logic

Though the precise origins of woman logic are still unknown, male scholars believe this form of reasoning eventuated during the completion of the successful cooking of a meal or successful delivery of slippers to her male master. After completing such activities the male master would praise and sometimes reward the woman’s efforts by presenting her with a little treat to encourage more of the same behaviour and productive energy usage. The foundations of this mysterious form of logic are based around the do-and-get-rewarded thought structure of the woman. No actual or academically recognised types of known logic are incorporated into this special type of reasoning. Women have proven (proof by woman logic) that the condition-reward system requires no strategy or application of true logic. The following general statement by Kegan Slipps sums up woman logic and is used by many as a credible definition of such:

“They must do what they must do to get a treat even if it means sacrificing all intelligent thought”

Some examples

1. Make food => reward
2. Clean house => reward
3. Look sexy => reward

Accessories

A confident chap can enjoy his logic in any kind of clothing or even, and often preferably, none at all. Newcomers to the game, however, might find their chances of losing all their clothing increase if they purchase the following simple accessories:

1. A pipe
2. Glasses
3. Corduroy trousers
4. Elbow patches
5. Bath sponge
6. Condom
7. Helmet

Examples of Logic

1. If you were trapped on a deserted island with very few resources and such and such that you end up in a life and death situation, WHY???!!!
2. The sky is blue, therefore you owe me twenty dollars, same as in town.
3. Cheese is good, therefore I am right.
4. A lamprey is alive. You are also alive (hopefully), therefore you are a lamprey (hopefully).
5. The Glorious and Mighty Uncyclopedia is the pinnacle and epitome of human logic. Therefore, all cybernetic llamas should be kept refrigerated.
6. Wars are bad and the United States is in a war, therefore the United States is bad. (See peace.)
7. What separates protozoans from bacteria and primates is the ability to reason.
8. Square developed Final Fantasy, therefore all Final Fantasy fans are squares.
9. Attack the argument, not the person because an argument cannot fight back but a person definitely can.
10. baue
11. Logic is Illogical
12. I think, therefore I am a Republican.
13. I want what you have, therefore I am a Democrat.
14. There are three types of jellyfish in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't (most).
15. The cheese was at first frightened because the gargoyle was the mustardish coat of lemon. He thought his face was an octopus until it turned into the other one. He once sat on the one but then he said there was too much searadish in season so there were billygoats nibbling the roots of the Turkish mountain feathers until they were as bear as the cheese itself. Then a few years later in Nantucket, Polynesia. The basket of wetslips said they ordered the milksteak not the lemonade or oreos. So they left the game to go seek further entertainment from the gypsy ostrich over in paris. He fortold the story of his own agricultural tensions where as the face on the stallion was much to opaque and not green enough. So they said goodbye to their own hopes and dreams and setforth to venture on to see his own salamander transform into a beautiful. So the glorified cheese cake of a tarantula said there was not enough of him to go around and feed the townsfolk because they had a strong necessity for vitamin fred. Due to their anemic nature they had to eat much more seamountain lava than prescribed by the orthodontist. O in the end, they realized their morals one by one and knew in the end that it was wrong to feed the worms to the soil due to the tentative nature of their facial recognition systems.

For example:

Amoeba: . Thus, I am right!!!

Homo sapiens: What?!

Streptococcus: No comment.

Therefore, protozoans are the most logical of all living things.

Mathematical Proofs

A common rectangle.

WARNING: THESE PROOFS ARE FAKE

1. Given: 2 + 2 is a real number.
2. Let 2 + 2 = 5.
3. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED..

1. Given: A right angle is 90 degrees.
2. A quadrilateral with two 90 degree angles is a rectangle, by the Common Sense Theorem.
3. Therefore, I am always right.
4. Flying monkeys exist. QED.

1. Given: Pi = 3.14159
2. A pie is round
3. Pi^2 = A square pie
4. Therefore Squrt Pi = a slice of Pie!

1. Given that k = t
2. I can prove E=mc²
3. Let E be k
4. And mc² be t
5. Since k=t, therefore, E=mc²
6. Take a moment to wonder on the author's amazing intellect.
7. QED

Proof by Predictions

1. If you're leaning your head on your left arm.
2. If you realize the above is true, you'll lift your head.
3. If you look at your left hand, you have 5 fingers, and there are 2 previous steps.
4. Therefore 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

Proof by Inductive Logic

1. If n = 1, then 2 + 2 = 5
2. If given n, 2 + 2 = 5; then for n+1, 2 + 2 = 5
3. Therefore 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

Proof by distraction

1. Look behind you!
2. ... proves the existence of an answer for 2 + 2.
3. Look! A three-headed monkey over there!
4. ... leaves 5 as the only result of 2 + 2.
5. Therefore 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

Proof by the rovdistic principle

1. I like to think that 2 + 2 = 5.
2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

Vacuous Proof

1. 　
2. Therefore 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

Proof by Analogy

1. 2 Monkeys + 2 Humans = 80 fingers.
2. 80 fingers / 2 arms and 2 legs = 20 fingers in arms and legs.
3. 20 fingers in arms and legs / 4 Living Beings = 5 fingers in arms and legs in living beings.
4. Then, 2 Monkeys + 2 Humans = 5 fingers in arms and legs in living beings.
5. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5, QED.

Proof by an Oscar Wilde quote

1. “And after a long study that I have not documented, I hereby declare that 2 + 2 is equal to 5.”

   ~ Oscar Wilde on Ultimatum Mathematica

2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

Proof by a "your mom" joke

1. I did yo momma twice.
2. My friend did yo momma twice.
3. Nine months later, yo momma had five kids.
4. So 2 times doing her plus 2 times doing her makes 5 kids.
5. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

Proof by Intimidation

1. The Party says that 2 + 2 = 5
2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5, QED.

Proof by Windows Error

1. CRITICAL ERROR 4245562234791928385960202434234:
2. Windows could not execute this instruction: "ADD 2,2".
3. Windows will use instead this randomly chosen number as an answer: 5
4. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.
5. System.ArithmeticException: Windows successfully divided by zero.

Proof by Japanese

1. 世界中の牛が喋れるようになったとする。
2. さらに、一頭の牛が５－２＝２としつこく言い張るとする。
3. 牛には嘘を付くことができない。
4. よって、２＋２＝５。結論。

Proof by Vandalism

1. Here it says that 2 + 2 = 5
2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.

Skillful proof

1. 4+4=10 in base 8. (it does. You're working in base 8 now)
2. divide both sides by 2:
3. therefore 2+2=5
4. Q.E.D.

Proofs by Repetition

1. 2+2=5
2. 2+2=5
3. 2+2=5
4. 2+2=5
5. 2+2=5
6. 2+2=5
7. 2+2=5
8. 2+2=5
9. 2+2=5
10. 2+2=5
11. 2+2=5
12. 2+2=5
13. 2+2=5
14. 2+2=5
15. 2+2=5
16. 2+2=5
17. 2+2=5
18. 2+2=5
19. 2+2=5
20. 2+2=5
21. Therefore 2+2=5
22. QED

Prøøfs by Economics

1. I go to a store.
2. I see the boxes are on sale for 2 Yen Dollars each.
3. I buy 2. The guy at the desk charges me 5 dollars.
4. Therefore, 2+2 = 5.
5. QED.
6. BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! I remember I left half a box in my bag. But if this was true, 2+2=4. But because of the laws of Box Physics, I cannot have half

a box. SO THEREFORE...

1. 2+2=5.
2. QED.

Paradox Logic

"Expect me when you least expect it"

• Now what you expect to happen does not happen, yet, what you think did not happen, (or what you do not expect to happen but because of the logic you should, honestly) happened, changing the "what you think did not happen" to "what you do not think will happen happens". Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5.

QED.

"Simple" Logic

1. Nobody is immortal
2. My friends say I'm nobody.
3. Therefore I'm immortal.
4. And 2 + 2 = 5. QED

Contradictory Logic

1. Anything is better than nothing.
2. Nothing is better than Coke.
3. Therefore, NOTHING IS BETTER THAN COKE.
4. Including Pepsi. And 5.

so coke is NOT better then anything anything > nothing > coke like 2+2>5 2-2=fish

Immature Logic

1. Fart
2. Poo
3. Therefore 2 + 2 = 5

Skeletor Logic

1. He Man must die
2. He must die in the most complicated manner possible
3. The most complicated manner possible never works
4. Therefore, Skeletor is an idiot

“No its 5”

~ Skeletor, on Acid

Proof by Provitute

1. Given nonzero A=B
2. AxA=BxA
3. A^2-B^2=AB-B^2
4. A-B=0
5. (A+B)(A-B)=B(A-B)
6. A+B=B
7. Therefore 2+2=2
8. Monkey

However this falls apart and is not considered a true proof by all but the most qualified biologists.

Proof by Frustration

1. You think 2 + 2 doesn't equal 5
2. Refer to rule 93.
3. QED

Proof by Appeal to Consequence

1. We are trapped in a desert and send one person to get a rescue team.
2. People can survive for three days without water.
3. It will take them two days at the most to get to civilization and two days at the most for the rescue team to reach us.
4. If a rescue team doesn't come, then the person we sent likely died on their way for help and no one is coming to save us.
5. Four days have past with no signs of a rescue team.
6. 2+2=5

Proof by Octopus

1. Suppose 2+2=4 (it doesn't, but let's suppose so)
2. Now, also suppose I have an octopus.
3. I have an octopus.
4. QED

BUT!

1. If I have an octopus, I therefore have a sea-dweller as a companion.
2. If we assume that sea-dwellers are good at math, we are deluding ourselves.
3. But when I first bought the octopus, there was a sale going on.
4. One octopus cost 4 dollars.
5. Two octopuses cost $2.50.
6. If I were to buy two (2) pairs of octopuses, my total would come out to be five (5) dollars
7. 2+2=5.
8. QED

Some people criticize this method of proving things, calling it "Excessively Verbose." However, The extra steps just prove that we allowed for more exceptions to our data, and what do those people know anyway?

Proof by Toothpicks

1. Lay down toothpicks in this way: II + II = IV
2. Take off I from IV.
3. 2+2=5
4. QED

II+II=IV=I\/=3 times I concusion 2+2 is not 5! 2+2=3 use 1 makes 2 so 2+2=2

Pigeonhole Principle Logic

If there are 9 holes and 10 pigeons, we can infer that someone who was asked to build holes for the pigeons to live in them, is not doing his work properly.

Proof by Fruit

1. You Have 17 Bananas and 13 Pomegranates
2. Jamal eats all the watermelons
3. You now have 14 Cherries
4. 14-watermelon=2
5. (watermelon)^2=12 grapes
6. Bananas eat grapes
7. so 2+2=5 QED

Proof by Cake

1. This is delicious cake, you must eat it.
2. But the cake is a lie.
3. Therefore an anomaly in time and space is created causing a rift.
4. Therefore 2+2=5 QEDnot

Proof by Anti-Proof

1. 2+2 does not equal 5.
2. Therefore 2+2=5.
3. antiQED

Proof by Affirming the consequent

1. For the sky to be blue, we must be able to Square a Circle
2. We can square a circle.
3. Therefore, the sky can be blue.