Newton's laws of motion
“Up-and-down motion creates white lotion.”
Newton's laws of motion were developed by Isaac Newton, which may be why they are called Newton's laws of motion. These laws revolutionized the world of physics. Before Newton's laws, physics were in a state of anarchy. Things tended to speed up and slow down at random intervals, stuff reacted all by itself and toast always fell butter-side-up. Sometimes apples didn't fall from trees at all – they would float off the branches and hover in midair, or launch spontaneously into outer space.
Some lawyers say that Newton's laws are very soft on punishment of criminal objects. For example, if a ball hits an old woman it is punished with five eons in a Wal-Mart.
In order[edit | edit source]
- Newton's negative second law: Isaac Newton is the only person who was able to travel at the speed of light. Immediately after he did this he bought a chili cheese dog at Barnes and Noble.
- Newton's negative first law: Newton was the first human to own a death note. His shinigami was responsible for dropping that apple on his head.
- Newton's zeroth law: Regardless of your speed and acceleration, Gary Oak will always be at least one step ahead of you.
- Newton's first law: We do not talk about Newton's laws of motion.
- Newton's second law: The net seducing force acting on a human male is defined as the derivative (rate of change) of penis length with respect to time. ƒ=L'(t)
- Newton's third law: For any action there is an equal and opposite reaction, except for when there isn't.
- Newton's fourth law: Whenever you're in the fast lane there will always be a student driver or a bluehair going, like, fifty.
- Newton's fifth law: All object tends to slow down, except for the Energizer Bunny. The Energizer Bunny is exempt from the laws of motion.
- Newton's sixth law: The force on an object is the derivative of its linear momentum plus an appropriate frictional constant, whatever that means.
- Newton's seventh law: All moving things eventually explode, including you. Deal with it.
- Newton's eighth law: There is no Newton's ninth law of motion.
- Newton's ninth law: Newton's eighth law is nonsense.
- Newton's tenth law: Misplaced objects are increasingly difficult to find in proportion to their importance.
Newton's other laws[edit | edit source]
During his career, Newton developed other laws of physics which did not achieve the same level of popularity as the first four. These included:
- Newton's eleventh law: A pair of earphones, if left alone for more than ten seconds, will spontaneously tangle themselves.
- Newton's twelfth law: If you run around a tree at double the speed of light then you can see yourself fuck your own ASS.
- Newton's thirteenth law: An object in motion in Florida will never use turn signals.
- Newton's fourteenth law: F=ma (Fame = Money * Aphrodisiomania)
- Newton's fifteenth law: The later you get home, the more noise you make in the bathroom.
- Newton's nineteenth law: Actually, there is no nineteenth law, because Newton forgot to come up with one. But it usually appears in comprehensive lists.
- Newton's twentieth law: Nobody likes a smartass.
- Newton's thirty-fourth law: If it exists, then there is porn of it.
- Newton's thirty-sixth law: If you enter the 36th chamber of Shaolin you don't get to use the other laws.
- Newton's 10^99 law: I made too many laws.
- Newton's Shits and Giggles Law: Trolls live under bridges.
- Newton's most important law: Go to a cliff, go stand at the edge and then make one large step forward.
