HTML5

HTML5 official logo

“Flash sucks! HTML5 to the max!”

~ Apple Inc. on HTML5

HTML5 (short for: Heat Evacuation Technology and Materials Liquidation, 5th Generation) is a green technology corporation.

It aims to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in Earth's atmosphere by running liquid water through pipes and conveyor belts between the internets. This novel technique is based on a plumbing system used by ancient Egyptians to make sure that any waste they produced was sent to the gods, only to be returned so they could send it back. Then Ra would say, "Okay, that's enough. Now take this thing back," and hand back the waste items as though nothing had happened. Though still not widely used due to cost, HTML5 technology has applications in the automotive and confusing papers industries.

Establishment

HTML5 was originally a subsidiary of the Webb-Weber-Webstein Corporation which specialized in electronics and making customers' heads spin. It started when Apple CFO Steve Wozniak met in a run-down coffee shop with Google's future Chairman, Larry Page, and discussed other issues that they were worried about, but weren't their area of expertise. They wrote a few bullet points about how the internets would one day make the world a better (or worse) place to live. They decided on three main points:

1. The Web is to be a free place for humans and robots alike, run by the slaves of humanity.
2. Whatever we come up with, what the People do to it is up to them. (Hence, anti-environmental and porn websites.)
3. The Web is to regulate itself and everything in its jurisdiction. (Yes, everything.)

Unfortunately, the W3C objected to all of these points, and so Page and Wozniak resigned from the corporation to start their own business, originally called the WTFWG. (The real reason: they hated that W3C was wasting precious time developing XML applications such as SVG.) A few hours later, Paris Hilton tweeted them saying she would follow suit. Thus began HTML5, the company that was going to save the world!

How it works

Artist's conception of HTML5's infrastructure. Of course, the actual thing is a trade secret.

HTML5's patented carbon sequestration technology is a dramatic improvement on the current model of cramming all the carbon dioxide into holes deep in the Earth, then crushing the Hell out of it. It relies on hydraulic rocket engines and other parts (such as conveyor belts and boilers) made of a special material. Wanna know? Sorry, it's a trade secret, but Larry Page has told us that it contains 75% Google Chrome, which is naturally oxygen and spam resistant.

Let me start from the top. Workers put nets at the top of the sequestration plant to capture free-floating CO₂ and dihydrogen monoxide gas from the wind. When the gas molecules snag themselves in the nets, they struggle for hours until they are vacuumed up and piped into a cylinder, where they are heat-treated with air, sunlight, and uric acid.

The gas molecules are then piped through a screen charged with 2400 volts of electricity; when the gas molecules are sufficiently energized, they begin to react chemically with each other, forming tons of hydrogen and carbon monoxide (pyngas), a great source of fuel. The process is so efficient that all the energy created is used to run the plant.

Commercialization

Exactly what HTML5 was supposed to prevent.

HTML5 has tried to commercialize its technology by selling it to other companies such as Badass Pollution, Inc. (BP), but when they tried it, they created a huge mess and ended up having to pay HTML5 a rather large amount of money. BP later repaid the community by creating a perfect Earth in which animals could speak English and thus be able to protest the oil spill. They tried using HTML5's technology to create a suitable platform for people from all walks of life.

XHTML2

To compensate for their commercial loss, BP created their own version of HTML5's carbon capture technology based this time on their XML (eXtremely Methodological Liquidation) technology, calling it XHTML2 (Extremely High Temperature Materials Liquidation, 2nd Generation). XHTML2 is known to be more effective than HTML5; however, it requires much stricter conditions: the greenhouse gases must be processed at exactly 2500 °C and 3000 MPa, and the processing equipment must contain no leaks. (Not to mention that the workers can't take a leak during the process.)

The XHTML2 project was a disaster, however. One XHTML2 plant was reported to have been contaminated by the swine flu virus, and promptly exploded, leaking 9000 tons of unprocessed CO₂ into the atmosphere and rendering BP bankrupt for decades. After that, the U.S. Supreme Court decided to ban all Extreme technologies, including XML and XHTML. HTML5 was, once again, alone in the technology industry.

Google

In 2012, Google ripped off HTML5's technology to make some of its pages do a barrel roll, much to the amusement of its customers. HTML5 president Steve Wozniak decided not to sue Google for this, however, because they were already in trouble with Oracle Entertainment Systems at the time. "These are kid-glove techniques compared to what we're doing," said Wozniak in an interview with CNN. "We don't care about old patents because protecting them would be a threat to the advancement of Science." Wozniak was later accused of being a Communist and, pissed, resigned from HTML5.

Competition with Flash

After Wozniak quit HTML5, Larry Page started crusading against Flash Technologies saying that they used too many resources to be a green company. Ironically, HTML5 wasn't saving any resources, either.

See also

• HTML
• Recycling
• That bitch HTML5 is hunting down