Randy Savage
“Ohhhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
“Ohhhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
“Ohhhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
“Ohhhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
“ooh yeahh”
“Ohhhhhhhhh, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”
“Ohhhhhhhhh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttt”
Fred Randykid "The Nacho King"/"Nacho Man" Savage was born from a rotting piece of dog turd that had fallen into a sewer and mixed with a toxic waste chemical that mutated the turd into a seven year old. The kid was rescued by Hollywood producers who decided the kid was under their custody, and they would make some money out of him while he was young, and not have any obligation to pay the parents, as there was none. They named the kid legally as Fred Savage after Freddy Mercury for his gay appearance, and Savage for his liking of music by Savage Garden. Fred was then thrown into acting school to prepare for a role playing a childhood memory of some voice over guy. Fred completed acting school, and went on to star as Kevin Arnold on the beloved hit comedy, "The Wonder Years" - Fred became a household name, and the show ran for twelve years. However once Fred started to go through puberty, no make up in the world could hide the ugly little man he was turning into. Fred was costing the studio over $20,000 a day to shave his beard and back alone, and the decision to end "The Wonder Years" was made. They also made the decision to toss Fred out on his ass as the movie studio had no reason to keep him around anymore.
Wrestling After The Wonder Years[edit | edit source]
Fred made the decision to go into professional wrestling, where the other hideously deformed mutated creatures went. Fred also wanted to escape his past, and changed his name from Fred to Randy for no apparent reason, just that he wanted to be called Randy. He went to training to be a wrestler for the NWA, but ended up being part of the talent Vince McMahon would sneak in to scout out and steal from any opposing company.
WWF[edit | edit source]
Randy Savage made his debut for the WWF in 1985 against Gonad The Barbarian in a 'who had the hairier beard' match. Savage was brought in as a character that was a supposed to be a Nacho Man tender that sold Nacho's and Hot Peanut's to the WWF audience in attendance. Gonad would work an angle where he would defeat all three members of ZZ Top, and while celebrating his victory, spot Savage in the crowed and issue him a challenge right there and then. Savage climbed the barriers, and it was decided that Randy Savage had the better beard.
Savage then appeared on the following months show now as a full time wrestler, he was known now as the Randy the Nacho Man Savage and he would have his second match against then WWF Champion Chuck Norris, where he was able to show off his high flying acrobatic moves to the crowed for the first time, but in the end, no one ever defeats Chuck. Savage would go on to have a good run of matches over the following shows, and unavailing his signature move, the Bionic Woman's Elbow Drop, which was a move he ripped off from one of the former WWF Women's champion arsenal of moves, but nobody realized that, because no one ever pays attention to the WWF Divas.
Mega Steroid Power Abusing Maniacs[edit | edit source]
Randy was a rising star in the WWF, and one of the fan favorites, and it was only a matter of time before Randy found himself being teamed up with the number two guy of the company, behind Chuck Norris, Hulk Hogan - The two paired up as a tag team, along with a hooker Randy had picked up for the night, and ended up becoming his future ex wife, Miss Queen Elizabeth the II. The alliance of the three of them was called "The Mega Steroid Abusing Maniacs" and they lost there first match, against two jobbers no one had ever heard of, seen before, or ever seen or heard from again. But celebrated their disqualification, as they where the All Americans, and the jobbers where French, or Russian, or who knows what, but they where foreign, and that's a big no-no in the WWF. Both Randy and Hulk sported the same yellow underwear and matching red high heels that Hulk had made famous. On the night Randy and Hulk where introduced to each other, they had chemistry and went back to the hotel and made sweet love all night long, then the following morning Hulk wanted to see how cute Randy looked in Hulks attire, and Hulk told Randy to keep them, as wearing the same outfit out in public made Hulk wet.
In there second match, Hogan and Savage where again disqualified, when Randy and Hulk both stepped outside the ring, and got caught up in the heat of passion, and did not hear the referee's ten count. The two just kept staring into each others eyes as they held hands and walked back to the locker room. In their 3rd match, Hulk and Savage would take on tag team champions, Nikoli Fokoff, and The Ironballs Sheik at the PPV - WWF SuperFarts - Hogan and Savage where the fan favorite to win, but during the match complications arose between Hogan and Savage over Miss Queen Elizabeth. Lizzy was knocked unconscious from the body oder of Nikoli Fokoff, and Hogan ran to her rescue and carried her to safety backstage, leaving Savage to get his ass handed to him. When Savage regained conciseness in the ring, he was confused as to what happened, and went back stage to find Miss Queen Elizabeth in Hogans arms, and her hand down his pants. The real deal was, Liz thought she was in the arms of her Randy, and Hogan, well he was just a pervert anyway. Savage was enraged by this and started attacking Hogan. This then lead to a feud between the two each week, until they where finally booked to settle it once and for all at Wrestlefakia 6.[1]
Mega Steroid Abusers Collide[edit | edit source]
The Mega Steroid Powers collided at Wrestlefakia, and would proceed to beat the crap out of each other, until Hogans anabolic steroid's kicked in, he Hulked up and kicked Randy's ass for the win. After the event, Liz seemed to take Hogans side and Randy was so enraged by it, he went on to become one of the top heels of the company, along with a new hooker he picked up, "Sensational Queen Of The Blow Job Giving Sheree" - Randy would go onto a successful run as one of the top bad guys with Sheree in his corner for a few months until one night when Randy, with Sheree, where booked to face Captain Condom Shawn Micheals who Sheree had been perving on and taking a liking to. During the coarse of this match, Sheree turned on Randy and revealed she was whoring herself out to HBGay, and the two proceeded to bash Randy Savage up. Sitting in the audience was Queen Elizabeth, who did not like what she was seeing, and had left Hogan 3 months before cause as she quoted; "That guys a douche" - Liz climbed the guard rail, just after Shawn had left the ring to let Sheree finish off Savage, Liz climbed into the ring, and rammed her fist between Sheree's legs, reached in and pulled out Sheree's uterus. Savage regained sight and was shocked to see his former whore there had come to his rescue. The two where again reunited, and Savage was now again a baby face in the company, and a fan favorite, just as long as he didn't confront there #1 hero Hulk Hogan and get there asses canned for it.
A Pain In The Ass[edit | edit source]
Randy then found another feud with his new rival Jake "The Huge Cock" Roberts - The two would have heated matches, that where up and down, until finally they where booked into a match that would be forever remembered as one of the most shocking moments in sports entertainment history. During the match, Liz tried to interfere by attempting to hit Jake with an unsuspecting blow, but Jake noticed a shinny penny on the canvas and bent down to pick it up, Liz's attack missed and instead struck Randy. Randy was sent into the ropes and became entangled. Jake saw this as his opportunity to whip his enormously long penis out and frighten Randy with it into submission. Jake took his penis out of his carry bag, and frightened Liz out of the ring with it first, then proceeded to taunt Savage with it. The crowed was cheering on Jake to use it for a change, instead of just taunting people with it. So in the heat of the moment, Jake filled with adrenaline, proceeded to let his penis crawl inside the pants of Randy and begin deflowering Savage's chocolate starfish on live TV. Both Liz and viewers could only watch on in shock as Jake released his snakes venom inside the rectal cavity of the Nacho King. Soon the match was brought to an end and Jake was disqualified.
Randy spent the next six months in hospital undergoing physical therapy to learn to walk again. With Liz at his side, they were inspired to heal the wound, and get back to gain revenge on Jake Roberts. it was a painful process, but Randy would slowly regain feeling back to his lower body, and was on the road to recovery. Randy was ready to return to active duty, and upon his return to WWF TV, Randy issued a challenge to Jake Roberts in a grudge match. The grudge match was booked for the following week. There match was ready to go underway, but just before it did, everyone had to watch the promo between the upcoming Ultimate Gaylord VS Hulk Hogan match, which consisted of the Gaylord ranting on and on and on with things about space ships crashing into ass' during nose dives in zero gravity atmospheres. The interview was heard by Jake and it bored Jake, and he fell asleep at the ringside. Randy saw this opportunity to strike, and grabbed a battering ram that he and Liz carried to the ring and proceeded to ram up Jake's ass, then pin him for the three count after Randy gave him a bionic elbow drop. The couple celebrated there victory, and even tho Jake demanded a rematch as he had fallen asleep, he never got one.
Numbered Days In The WWF[edit | edit source]
During the next few years, the effects of Jake's attack of rimming Randy in the ass took it's toll. And Randy was seen rarely a handful of times again as an active wrestler. He then switched to the commentary position for the next few years, until he was explaining to Vince McMahon that his ass was healed now and he could wrestle, but Vince just would not book him. This led to tension between the two, and in 1996 Randy Savage handed in his resignation, slipped his Slim Jim inside of Nipple H, and headed to the WCW where he said he would not be treated like an old has been who got fucked in the ass too hard once.
WCW[edit | edit source]
Randy joined the WCW shortly after leaving the WWF. Where he went on to have a rivalry with Hulk Hogan, then teamed up with Hogan again as a tag team, then turned on Hogan when he was caught trying to finger Elizabeth backstage. Elizabeth said she preferred Hogans 24 inch fingers, and that she didn't want to be married to Savage anymore. The two divorced and Randy has hated Hogan with a burning passion ever since, so much that in 2004 he recoded a rap CD called "Hogan, I wanna Kick Your Ass, Mother Fucker, OHHH YEAHHHHHH" Savage then went unnoticed in the WCW for a few years before he was made the 1,958,585,858 member of the NWO, but left the group after he had a falling out with them over which way the toilet paper should be hanging in the toilets, and Savage was persistent it should hang down closest to the wall. This resulted in Savage taking on NWO member Stink at the WCW PPV - Bash Up The Bitch.[2]
Savage then started up a faction called...err... no one really knows what it was called, but it involved these three chicks with really huge nunga-nungas. One was former WWF Women's champion... err... Alexandra? Alice? Amy?... eh who cares, like we said before, no one ever paid any attention to the WWF Divas and WCW Whores. Savage would then spend the rest of his WCW career trying to look like a gangsta and not being given the chance to be anything, as Hogan was calling all the shots now, and Savage had had his time. Savage would then quit the WCW and become a greeter at his local Walmart.
Life After Wrestling[edit | edit source]
With the WCW & ECW out of business, his refusal to work for WWE, TNA having no interest in him, and not enough money to move to Japan, Randy decided he would retire from the world of professional wrestling and become a rap star (notice we didn't say musician) - Randy released his first album called, ""Hogan, I wanna Kick Your Ass, Mother Fucker, OHHH YEAHHHHHH" which featured the songs:
- "Hogan, Anytime, Anywhere, I'll Kick Your Ass, OHHHH, YEAHHH"
- "Hogan, take me on bitch, You fucked up my marriage"
- "I Was A Better Wrestler Then Hogan Ever Was, OHHH YEAHHH"
- "Booker T, You stole My Catchphrase, So I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass When I'm Done With Hogans, can you dig it? OHHH YEAHHHH"
- "WCW went out of business, Cause Hogan Fingered My Wife"
- "Greensleeves"
- "The Nacho Man Will Destroy Hulkamania, OHHH YEAHHH"
- "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, OHHHHHHHHHHHH, OHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Savage received minimal fanfare from this album; and has not recorded another one since. However it has been agreed that as bad as it is, it did sound better then "Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band"
Death of the Nacho Man[edit | edit source]
Savage died on May 20, 2011 when he suffered a heart attack while driving with his son and crashed into a tree. His last words were: "Smash into a tree! OOOOHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH!!!!" It's believed that Savage purposely did this in response to arch nemesis Hulk Hogan & his son, who not so long ago, before this event, had crashed into a tree himself, and Randy Savage said, "Fuck you, Hogans, you niggas, I'll show you how to crash into a tree properly and get world wide media attention... as for my grave once I do this, can ya dig it?"
However reports soon claimed they could hear Randy Savage rolling over in his grave when he found out his publicity stunt of death did in-fact out-do the Hogan crash of 2008, but it fell 175th ranks below competing with the #1 most famous car crash of all-time, recorded in 1997 when Princess Diana became the champion of the world for this category in her head-to-head debut. Macho Man has since focused on her as his #1 arch rival and has challenged her in Heaven to a duel, and has reunited with Queen Elizabeth as his valet parking chauffeur, where they plan to prove to the after-world that Savage is #1 and Hogan and Diana are just bitches who stole the limelight from him unswervingly.
The WWE dedicated their TLC pay per view to Savage in 2011 in lieu of the 90s R&B band, with a one-off rebranding of the acronym to "Trees, Lynn, and Collisions".
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ To this day, the Mega Steroid Abusing Powers tag team of Randy and Hulk are considered one of the greatest tag teams of all time, even tho they only ever had two and a half matches and never won a god damn thing together.
- ↑ Miss Queen Elizabeth died just after their divorce when Randy killed her for leaving him for Hulk Hogan... again.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Hulk Hogan
- Andre The Giant
- HBGay
- Honky Tonk Man
- Ultimate Warrior
- Jake Roberts
- Bam Bam Bigelow
- Honky Tonk Man
- Undertaker
External links[edit | edit source]
- E! True Hollywood Story: "Macho Man" Randy Savage
- Inappropriate times to do "Macho Man" Randy Savage impressions
- Macho Man Randy Savage equals insane
- Macho Man on Coke!
