Wikipedophiles
| Puttin' the "psyche" on "Unpsychlopedia" WikiDisorders | |
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Wikipedophiles are a class of hardcore administrators and users on Wikipedia that have yet to grow up, and quite possibly never will. Their existence proves that Global Nerdism is more than just another threat to world security. Generally speaking, Wikipedophiles are petty, arrogant, petty, paranoid, and petty, convinced that these qualities make them the smartest people in the whole world. Since nobody fucking likes them, they suck.
Wikipedophiles are not allowed to have friends or lives of any kind, as they have to be on 24-hour alert looking for people who vandalize their precious website. Since they have no sense of humor, they will change the page back to its original form within seconds (I'm not freaking kidding) and start a long and pointless rant on the discussion page of the article about how semi-protection is needed to shield them from the humor of somebody adding a joke into a Wikipedia page.
To Cry As the French Clown Cries[edit | edit source]
All Wikipedophiles find safety in hiding behind the computer screen, where no one can see that they are all man-childlike or woman-childlike in appearance. They are dismissive, rude, and overly analytical. Their inability to deal with criticism (either of the Wiki or themselves personally) is practically legendary, along with their near-total unwillingness to admit to mistakes or any form of wrong-doing. Most significantly, however, Wikipedophiles do not like to share their authority and become enraged whenever anyone, especially an adult, suggests that judicious use of that authority could solve problems. No, the Wikipedophile knows what's best, because no one else is capable of understanding the “them” that cries inside when a French [1] clown cries.
"Go Ahead, Kiss my Foot"[edit | edit source]
Known in the cyber-kingdom as "wikistalkers," Wikipedophiles exist to ensnare the meek, the unassuming, and the accurate contributors of Wikipedia, and do whatever it takes to destroy their sense of self-esteem. Bitter about having been shunned by all the "cool kids" in high school 20 years ago, or else about having failed to complete potty-training by the first grade, their mood brightens whenever an unsuspecting Wikipedian begs for protection upon finding himself (or herself) in an edit war with a Wikithug. Such tribute pleases the Wikipedophile. However, they are more than likely to give the poor Wikipedian a thumbs-down because justice was once denied them in Dungeons, and Dragons, and in their own words, it "shall be denied to you, so you will know the pain I once felt."
How to Spot a Wikipedophile, or at Least Know What They Feel Like[edit | edit source]
It is easy to spot a Wikipedophile, by both their dress and their manner. All wear the uniform mandated for them by the Uber-Wikipedophile: Dark navy-blue jeans (pressed, with a crease), and a much-too-small white undershirt that allows their overly large and hairy nipples to show through the stretched fabric. Black canvas tennis shoes are worn on the feet - no socks! Wikipedophiles are allowed to express their individuality only by wearing overly long scarves (in all temperatures), hats (shall I wear my cowboy hat, or shall I wear my beret?), and other forms of headgear, though never at the same time.
They feed almost exclusively on Kraft Macaroni and Cheese dinners (they are the cheesiest) and live in habitats devoid of ambient lighting. Instead, they prefer the white-hot intensity of the Tensor lamp or the cool blue wash of the CRT. They can almost always be found residing in the basement of an employed family member. To relax, they frequently bathe in the blood of virgins (or, if virgin blood is unavailable, mayonnaise is typically used as a substitute). To identify a Wikipedophile by feel, one takes their corpulent hand in a handshake and notices that not only is the hand clammy, but it is also downright wet and cold as well. Finally, it is impossible for a Wikipedophile to see his or her face in a mirror, and their cloven hooves make a clumpy-clump-clumpy sound as they prance about. They have also been known to fart more loudly than Chuck Norris.
Don't worry about me...[edit | edit source]
In some ways, the Wikipedophile is like the stereotypical Jewish mother, delusional in that they believe that no one outside their "family" could ever understand the amount of sacrifice that they provide to an ungrateful world of users - contributing and otherwise.
Double jointed freaks[edit | edit source]
The funniest thing about this is that, in all honesty, there is no such thing as "double-jointed" people. It's a lie, just like the cake, except less tasty, but hurts just as much. These "people freaks", or "higher reflexive body" freaks, or users, tend to lurk on Uncyclopedia stalking their prey, by first amazing them at their "amazing reflexes" (note, NOT "double-jointed"), until luring their prey, the users of Uncyclopedia and people yet to join our ranks, into a false sense of security, before wrapping their amazingly reflexive arms around the person, killing them whole. These "higher reflexive body" freaks enjoy working in packs, so if you ever find one, take out the leader. If you cannot distinguish the difference, run. Do not stop. Do not look, nor go, back. Do not stop to rest, but merely sleep where your body falls. You will know by morning if you have survived.
Wikipedophiles: The Mating Strategy[edit | edit source]
As a sign of friendship, Wikipedophiles award “barnstars” to those who please them, and lavish the lucky “winner” with comments such as “I really like the edit that you did on the Marcon-18 article” or, “I have nominated you to be an Administrator because of the impressive body of work that you represent.” If the user responds, and their reproductive organs complement each other, the user will openly refer to their "master" Wikipedophile as their “boyfriend” (yeah, right) or their “girlfriend” (Hubba, Hubba). However, the two never meet in person; no, doing that would only lift the veil of smoke and mirrors that protects both parties from uncomfortable notions of personal accountability. It would also require the use of the secret handshake, which would mean touching another germ-ridden being. The two may still engage in some form of WikiSex, but only if the wiki requires the creation of a new admin. They often give birth to large cows and eat lunch at your house.
Wikipedophiles: The Cornell Connection[edit | edit source]
Wikiopedophiles who are psychotic (and/or Bulgarian nationals) are banished to Cornell University where they can stew in their own juices whilst waxing poetic about D.H. Lawrence. It is there that they are safe from the world and the world safe from them.
See also[edit | edit source]
^ 1. Some believe that Armenian clowns actually bear a greater similarity to the mindset of the Wikipedophile. However, the existence of Armenian clowns has never been satisfactorily proven, as most of the ones known to have existed were wiped out in the Great Armenian Clownocide of 1909.
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