User:Sog1970/ Gotham City Tourist Information
Congratulations on your decision to vacation in Gotham City I'd like to welcome you on behalf of the city council to ██████████ State's most vibrant metropolis. We're confident that you'll find your stay provides all the excitement you can stand and so I was delighted to write the foreword to this joint venture with The Rough Guide series of travel guides.
While you're here you can enjoy our rich culture, party with Gotham's high society, visit our scenic sea-front or just enjoy all that a bustling urban environment can offer. Surely Gotham City is the most under-rated tourist venue in the USA, if not the world.
As they say in these parts "Gotham - it'll slay you!"
John Linseed
(Mayor)
Gotham's Cultural Life[edit | edit source]
Gore Vidal once said that Gotham had no culture outside its yoghurt factory, but what does that fat, faggot know? We have culture crawling out of our ass and no visitor should miss visiting at least one of our many purpose-built cultural centers:
- Gotham City Museum
Did you know that Gotham City was founded in 1685 when Norwegian mercenary, Lars Bohinen, crashed his ship, "The Sjnik" into Gotham bay while chasing a Sperm whale across the Atlantic? Well, Gotham City Museum has (a replica of) the moose he was boning en route that you can see in its cafeteria while enjoying a modestly priced plate of Swedish meatballs just like Lars would have done, if he'd been Swedish.
$35 buys you a family ticket to one of the nation's largest collections of dinosaur skeletons, a spectacular display of native American crafts, and artefacts from the earliest days of Gotham's European settlement such as Sir Danver Breville-Toaster's wife-rack and George Washington's Klan robes. Other exhibitions include the popular "Bats around the world" and the world's biggest collection of Super-villain gadgets, including the Penguin's collection of sardine tins, Two-face's distorting mirror, and the Mad Hatter's teapot.
Yes, Gotham City Museum is a must see kind of a place.
{Note. The Egyptian exhibition and Medieval torture dungeon are temporarily closed following the theft of Tutankhamen's gold and some fatal, unauthorised Iron Maiden usage. Chief O'Hara promises to complete his investigation swiftly and appeals to the public to be on the look-out for a man in a green suit covered with question marks.}
- Gotham City Art Museum
Gotham City Art Museum houses a collection of Modern and Renaissance masterpieces in its secure vaults and displays convincing copies of them across eight, spacious floors. You can take in realistic renderings of Jan Vermeer's "Goth with a pearl nose-ring", Rembrandt Van Rijn's "The Bay Watch", Leonardo Da Vinci's "Fish Supper", and Edvard Munch's "The Whinge".
For a limited period, you can enjoy the entrants to this year's 'Open Art Competition' which are displayed in the Wayne Wing and include the widely admired winning-entry "Smile and the world smiles with you" a self-portrait by the previously unknown, Mr Jo Kerr.
- Madame Soleil's Wax Museum
Thrill at the models' vague resemblence to famous people living and dead, be amazed by the inanity of the chamber of horrors, marvel at how you were persuaded to part with $20.
- Wayne Manor
Why not take a free tour of stately Wayne Manor? Square-jawed philanthropist millionaire, Bruce Wayne, has thrown open the doors to his eighteen bedroom mansion, situated just a few miles from the city.
In return for a small donation to Mr Wayne's benevolent fund for retired superheroes you can take part in an exclusive guided tour from either Mr Wayne's life-partner, Alfred; his tights-wearing "ward", Dick Grayson; or his strangely masculine "Aunt", Harriet Cooper. Don't miss the bust of poet William Shakespeare on Mr Wayne's desk, said to be an impression of his actual deathmask - but, no touching!
- The Wayne Philosophy lectures
Open to the public and available free every second Thursday of the month, the Charles Wayne memorial philosophy lectures are delivered at Gotham City University by esteemed Professor of Philosophy, Randy Iddler, and are sure to leave you asking "Why am I here?"
- Gotham City Performing-Arts Exhibition Center
At the Gotham City Performing-Arts Exhibition Center you'll find classical theater, music-hall and opera all rolled into one yawn-inducing morsel.
Insomniacs, relax in the splendour that is Gotham City's Exchange Theater. Sit back in the deepest, most comfortable seats on the Eastern seaboard and catch some zs as you take in a performance from Gotham's Shakespeare Society, currently in the midst of a three month run of Henry VI parts I to CXIII. A laugh, a cry, a credit card bill for more than you were expecting.
For deaf insomniacs why not try Gotham City Operatic Society's version of the Threepenny Opera, Bertolt Brecht and Kurt Weill's grin-a-minute Marxist critique of the capitalist world.
If dance is your thing Gotham City's unique "Ballet and Burlesque" allows you to take your choice of entertainment from the terpsichorean world. Watch anorexic chicks tippy-toe across the stage pursued by Mommy's boys with socks stuffed in their pants as they bring you the story of dying waterfowl through the gift of dance. Or, for the same price, you can enjoy a bellyful of beer as you take in some livelier action from gals with a fuller rack rotating their way around a pole near you, and still have change enough to pay one to make herself comfortable on your lap.
Gotham's Grand Ole Opry may not be grand or old and sure ain't Opry but if in-bred yodellers and fiddle playing retards tickle your fancy you can't go wrong. Tickets begin at three piglets (Consessions: five chickens) and your first slug of moonshine is free when your present your stub at the bar.
The Waterfront[edit | edit source]
With miles of coastline including secluded bays and fragrant harbours, Gotham county is a marine heaven. While you're in the city make sure you don't miss:
- The Historic Docks
Built by the British in colonial times, the docklands have a mixture of working wharfs, bars, shops and entertainments for all visitors. Why not pop in for a "tattoo & septicaemia" double at one of our many ink-specialists, or a "blow job, chlamydia & mugging" combo at one of the friendly pier end brothels?
- Mr Freeze Frozen Food
How many cities can offer you icebergs in July? Chillibit docks, home to Gotham's own Mr Freeze Frozen Food Co., offers all year round Arctic conditions with a steady sea temperature of 4oC and a slowly advancing ice-sheet. Brrr! No swimming here!
- Pleasure Cruises
Head for more temperate waters in a purpose built sight-seeing cruiser. Starting with a trip to Blackgate Island where you'll see the stern edifice of Blackgate Maximum Security Penitentiary. But don't expect to say hello to any of the multitude of supervillains that have passed through this imposing institution, they've all been safely reintegrated into society.
Moving back towards land, you pass the wreck of SS Gotham Queen, cruelly beached on its maiden voyage following unexplained Phony Island lighthouse-failure. Happily no passengers were injured, though jewellery worth an estimated $26 million mysteriously disappeared. Then it's into Ambergreas Bay where millionaire's moor their yachts but the rest of us go to enjoy the "Amusement Mile" where bandits of the one-armed variety can relieve us of our money without worrying Commisioner Gordon.
If the amusements don't grab you, you can continue the cruise along the West River, passing the Spring Street Aquarium - once home to the nation's largest collection of tropical fish (Currently closed for re-stocking following an unexplained Penguin infestation). Cruising beneath Gotham City Bridge you'll see our twin city of New Guernsey to the west and transfer into a fan-boat for a tour of Slaughter Swamp. But no paddling! Some Joker released pirhana into the murky, green water and a colourful local legend has it that a man-size Killer Croc haunts the swamp!
Nightlife[edit | edit source]
Some have described Gotham's skyline as brooding, some even as forbidding. We prefer moody and magnificent and it's at its best during the nightly son-et-lumiere. See Wayne Tower and a multitude of other skyscrapers lit up with the city's trademark, and yet strangely dental, Bat-sign and the accompanying squeal of rubber and wail of sirens. Most nights you can take in a veritable costume-parade of the city's characters as Batman hands them over to Commisioner Gordon, or chases our unique giant moths through the night-sky in the Bat-copter.
For those with a more relaxed evening in mind, Gotham has bars and clubs for every taste;
A glitzy night is guaranteed at the "Peregrinator Club". This male bastion is open to the public every Thursday for Ladies' night. So just flash a smile and some diamonds at the doorman and make sure you lock them securely away in the club-safe
For a more down-to-Earth experience try "The Stacked Deck" in Gotham's Eastside, or "The Alibi" club in Otisburg. And perhaps afterwards, a visit to Gotham City's excellent General Infirmary is in order for those still able to recall their insurance details.
Or, those who hanker after the Old World can enjoy a taste of the Emerald Isle at "Finigan's" where a hearty Irish welcome is guaranteed and you can sink a pint of the black stuff secure in the knowledge that you're surrounded by Gotham's finest. If you see Chief O'Hara, make sure you ask him to demonstrate his Riverdance audition.
Gotham City Zoological and Botanical Gardens[edit | edit source]
Undoubtedly the most important zoological collection outside San Diego, Gotham City Zoo houses a huge number of exotic and threatened species. You won't want to miss feeding-time for the wolves or the chimpanzee's tea-party, and don't forget to take a tour of the zoo in one of Gotham's unique Zebra-drawn coaches.
There's so much to see that you'll want to stay all day, so why not dine at one of the zoo's six themed restaurants? For a mere $15 a head, children can eat chicken nuggets cut into the shape of funny, foreign animals and swill it down with Polar Bear cola. For adults, there's the Roadhouse Grill where you can sample a steak of a whole range of critters, barbequed to your satisfaction the minute they kick the bucket and our keepers can drag their lifeless corpses from the cage.
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For those with no life at all, a day pass at Gotham City Zoo also includes free entry at Gotham's renowned Botanical Gardens where you can see plants species fom across the globe. Picnic in North America's only tropical rainforest, or enjoy the ambience of our own mangrove swamp.
Just beware of the Poison Ivy!
A word from Chief O'Hara[edit | edit source]
You know, over the years Gotham City's had a bad name but all that's changed now. Ten year's ago Mayor Linseed cleverly mortgaged the city to invest in Enron. Now, I don't understand all this high-finance stuff but I understood what it meant when he asked Commissioner Gordon how we could cut crime in the metropolitan area and still slash the police budget by 40%. You can imagine how pleased I was!
You don't get to be a Commissioner without a ration of brains and between the two of them, Mayor Linseed and Commissioner Gordon repealed 87 acts of city legislation and over-turned every law that wasn't nailed to the statute books by federal or state interference. And what do you know, crime is at an all time low!
But I can't overlook the input of local do-gooder, Bruce Wayne. Sure, the boys and me may not approve of his openly gay lifestyle but his "Offender re-training" initiative has taken supervillains off the streets and out of our jails and found them useful employment. The notorious Clayface has opened his own pottery studio, The Scarecrow teaches at Gotham Agricultural College, Catwoman's pet sanctuary, "Pussy galore" is thriving in Otisburg, The Joker manages a comedy club downtown and Two-face runs a succesful schizophrenia clinic at Gotham Psychiatric Hospital. They're all too busy to cause trouble at all, at all.
So, what I'm sayin' to ya is:
Welcome to Gotham - you may never leave.
Miles O'Hara