Premeditated sex

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Premeditated sex (or sex in the first degree) is the crime of engaging in sexual activity with another human being after rationally considering the timing or method of doing so, in order to either increase the likelihood of success, or to evade detection or apprehension. It is distinct from sex in the second degree (Impulsive Intercourse), sex in the third degree (Accidental sex), and sex in degrees four through twelve (Masturbation).

Sex in the First Degree

This is a typical first-degree sex trap. Note the low lighting levels, alcoholic beverages, flowers, and the presence of water. These are all tools designed to lure victims into a sense of security.

Premeditated sex is considered the most severe offense. This is because the planning out ahead of time of a sexual encounter shows that the perpetrator had time to reconsider his or her actions, realize the ramifications, and then continue with their crime regardless. It shows a willful disregard for the rights of others, and a terrifying coldness toward ones fellow man. In many cases, the perpetrator of a premeditated sexual encounter has undertaken extensive preparation. This is a terrifying proposition; it is a clear indication of an unstable mind.

The setup is often elaborate, and some people ask why victims of premeditated sex don't realize ahead of time that it's coming, and take steps to prevent it. One must realize that a potential perpetrator knows the risks, and is actively taking measures to conceal his or her activities. Frequently, articles will be gathered and plans drawn up which are stored in a secret location, ready to be drawn upon quickly when the perpetrator is ready to spring the trap. Once alone, these articles and pre-made plans are quickly removed from concealment and set up, so that when the victim is lured into the bedroom, it comes as a complete surprise. There have been cases reported where a victim didn't realize what was happening until they were in the middle of the sexual act. By then, it is too late.

Preparatory activities vary wildly between individuals, but often share common themes. Sex toys, dirty books and movies, handcuffs, condoms, lubrication, latex clothing, fetish gear, live gerbils, pictures of kittens, and other such articles will be procured and stored in secret. Happening upon a cache of such items is a sure sign that your partner is a sexual deviant. Be afraid.

Sex in the Second Degree

A woman preparing to commit Impulsive Sex.

Second degree sex is a crime of passion. The difference between first and second degree sex is that the second degree is unplanned, on the spot, wild, over the top monkey lovin'. While premeditated sex is most often committed by someone who already knows, or is in fact partners with, the victim, sex in the second degree frequently occurs between two people who have known each other for a matter of minutes, or even seconds. Often, a perpetrator will use booze to lower the inhibitions of the victim, making them more docile and less likely to object as they are lured somewhere semi-private for the encounter to happen.

While Impulsive Sex is considered less reprehensible than Premeditated Sex, it is still a crime, and must be taken seriously. The criminal, though not sick enough to plan his or her action out ahead of time in full knowledge of the harm and consequences, is overwhelmed by his or her desire, on the spot, to make whoopee.

Those who have a history of being unable to control their urges, and have committed multiple acts of Impulsive Sex, may be required to complete addition penalties in addition of the mandatory prison term and community service. There are special counselling services that have been created to help those who have Sexual Impulsivity Disorder and are deemed a high risk to repeat the act of jumping someone's bones.

Sex in the Third Degree

In this instance, an attempt at an innocent hug from behind has had disastrous results.

Sex in the third degree, or Accidental Sex, are sex acts that have occurred through random chance, acts of God, or otherwise out of the direct control of those involved in the sex act. Accidental sex is typically viewed with some leniency, as the persons involved did not intend willful acts of sex, but penalties similar to those for criminal negligence may be assessed if the incident is deemed to have been preventable.

Third degree sex acts are not as uncommon as you might think. They can happen in a number of circumstances. For example:

• A woman is laying on her back, nude, with her legs spread, and the helpless man slips on the freshly-waxed hardwood floor, falls hip first between the woman's legs, and penetration is accidentally achieved;
• A person, of either gender, is dusting the books on the lowest level of the bookshelf when the male partner approaches them to ask a question. Turning to face their partner, still crouched, the person may wind up with a dick in their mouth;
• A woman, while engaging in a perfectly normal oil wrestling match, may inadvertently wind up straddling the face of her opponent, resulting in accidental cunnilingus;
• A gay male, while giving his partner a relaxing backrub, may inadvertently pierce the chocolate balloon knot;
• A lesbian, while trimming her partner's bush, may realize that the vibrations of the electric trimmer are causing her partner to become aroused;
• And many others.

If you find yourself in a situation similar to these, [stop. Apologize. And leave.]

Whackin' it

Seriously. We don't need to see it.

This is a much lesser crime, with little in the way of legal recourse or punishments. Nevertheless, your neighbors would like to ask you to please close your goddamn blinds.

Preventing Premeditated Sex

If you suspect that you may become a victim of Premeditated sex, you have few options. Clearly, the perpetrator has been evilly considering your seduction for some time, and has discovered and closed off any potential escape routes. Nevertheless, remain vigilant. Any kind of unexpected presents, massages, expensive wine, chocolate, or non-rectangular beds are excellent indicators that you are a target for seduction. If escape is impossible, it is recommended that you relax, go with the flow, and then strike out when the opportunity arises.

Encouraging Premeditated Sex

If you have been targeted as a victim of premeditated sex, and find that the thought makes you happy, counselling is recommended; you are at risk to become a Second degree sex criminal. In the meantime, however, get your freak on.