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From today's featured article on Wheels [Feature an article]

John Marshall was a professional floor-is-lava player who lasted 34 years until he touched the floor and died. He played on the Supreme Court team and had the role of the fourth Chief Justice, which he served for three point four decades before dying. He arrogantly held the role and thought no one else was good enough to wear a robe and scream "constitutional law" at people. Marshall even copyrighted black bathrobes, so anyone who wanted the role would instantly have to pay Marshall $97.99 (plus shipping and tax). He was famous for vastly improving the Supreme Court team by inventing the established judicial review move. This allowed the Supreme Court team to respond to any attacks by the Congress team, making them a worthy team. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that your fly is unzipped?
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?

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In the news on Wheels [edit]

1977-2026

So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day

Recent deaths: Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • ~~Uncyclopedia~~ • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • Dawson (Pictured)

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!!

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again

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On this day [edit]

You'd think he'd get less vultures eating his liver if he weren't posing so fabulously.

February 12: Undeniably Heterosexual Graeco-Roman Cultural Appreciation Day

804 BC - Prometheus (Pictured) steals fire and gives it to humanity, who use it to braise their finest meats.
1502 - Queen Isabella I of Castile bans Islam from her kingdom after getting stood up by an uncouth Moroccan.
1817 - During the Argentinian and Chilean wars for independence, joint troops cross the Andes mountains; without elephants, they settle for a herd of vicious llamas instead.
1912 - Puyi, the last emperor of China, abdicates the throne after the communists steal all the royal rice cakes.
1915 - The Lincoln Memorial begins construction, undercover KKK members secretly install a giant mucky swamp right next to it.
1947 - Paris becomes the capital of the fashion industry after Dior releases its collection.
2016 - Pope Francis and whoever the Orthodox Pope is meet up and try joining forces to finally defeat those dastardly protestants, but their plan is foiled by their numerous ecumenical differences.

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Picture of the day on Wheels

The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.

Image credit: Mosquitopsu
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Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects as well as some foreign language Uncyclopedias and Illogicopedia.

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This Uncyclopedia on Wheels is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 41,101 articles on Wheels. Many other parody wikis on Wheels are available; some of the lamest are listed below.