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From today's featured article on Wheels [Feature an article]

The microwave oven is a rectangular box, usually white in color, which is used to heat up random objects such as tin foil, doll heads, frogs, and other small creatures. Microwave ovens are found in kitchens all over the world, and have been featured in thousands of online videos made by middle school aged teens. Microwaves have also been recognized as the head chef of many establishments, such as Olive Garden. Often called a nuclear oven as opposed to a conventional oven, this infernal device could only be conceived by the cruelest minds in the DEEPEST PITS OF HELL, most undoubtedly conceived by such abhorrid demon philosophers as Heinrich Himmler, Jack the Ripper, and Al Gore, in a fashion that Lucifer's own damned, radiating evilness served as a rudimentary template of unholy culinary design, the microwave is an ingenious yet simple device used to burn food around the edges, turn bacon into rubber, make biscuits into hockey pucks, burn water, create civil unrest in African countries, stale a newly opened can of Guinness, cancel your favorite TV sitcom, interrupt your wireless internet connection, excommunicate the Pope, and explode hamsters by zapping them with rays of concentrated evil. Rays of concentrated evil cause atoms to become angry, thus raising their temperatures. When turned on, a microwave oven goes bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?

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In the news on Wheels [edit]

"Nyaaah, it's not worthless, mommy, I WANT IT!"

Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland (Pictured)
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez
Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy
Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win
Starmer announces plans to make tweeting illegal in the UK
Trump given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for ending war he started 3 hours ago
Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs
UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday
Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches!
ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
The New York Yankees now fucking suck

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate • Bills Mafia and Josh Allen drinking themselves to death • New England Patriots fans being insufferable like it's 2016

Recent deaths: Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down • the other Black guy from John Carpenter's The Thing • Bob Weir • Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Buffalo Bills', San Francisco 49ers', Houston Texans' and Da Bears' seasons • Bo Nix's ankle • Sean McDermott's Bills tenure

Not dead: Eleven

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • The Kansas ~~City~~ "Chiefs" • Broncos' Super Bowl hopes without Bo Nix • Aaron Rodgers' career • Bills' Super Bowl window

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On this day [edit]

January 22: National Cover-Up Day

0 - The Messiah was definitely born to a virgin and not the result of a time-travel religion scheme.
1605 - Guy Fawkes was definitely not a secret Protestant double-agent trained to make Catholics look bad.
1914 - The squirrels had absolutely nothing to do with the assassination of Franz Ferdinand.
1952 - Adolf Hitler is obviously not swimming in the frozen Arctic sea as a merman after a radiation experiment gone wrong.
1977 - AIDS was not at all created by the FBI and pinned on the CIA after they won the inter-agency tennis match last summer.
2001 - The Twin Towers were definitely not brought down by the Swedish as revenge for all the shitty Ikea jokes.
2016 - The perfidious Russians never spent millions on Vermin Supreme's presidential campaign.

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Picture of the day on Wheels

In order to quell the ongoing strife in the Mideast, the Canadian government has elected to send their elite peacekeeping forces into Afghanistan, Iraq and Mos Eisley.

Image credit: NewMess1ah
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