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From today's featured article on Wheels [Feature an article]

Gouverneur Morris was a Founding Father of the United States and the author of the Preamble to the United States Constitution. He was rich, influential, and wore only the finest powdered wigs. Then he shoved a whale bone up his dickhole and died.

Morris was born in 1752 in Morrisania. The Morrises were the kind of wealthy landowning family that thought "Morrisania" was a perfectly normal thing to name your house and "Gouverneur" was a perfectly normal thing to name your baby. Morris's birth was a notoriously difficult one. After thirty-six hours of labor, his mother, exhausted and delirious, famously cried out, "Does my baby draw breath? Does he yet live?"

"Yeah," said the midwife. "He'll be just fine as long as he doesn't shove a whale bone up his dickhole. That will be forty cents." Ironically they had to use forceps to remove them, ones made out of whalebone. That may have started a thing with Morris. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?

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In the news on Wheels [edit]

YANKEES SUCK!

The New York Yankees now fucking suck (Pictured)
Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
The UK to ban the resale of tickets
Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin isn't the best idea
Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
United Kingdom sends Royal Airforce “specialists” to Belgium to fight Russian drones “invading” airports
A new candidate enters the upcoming 2028 presidential race
US government shitdown ends after over 1000 flights inundated with shit

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE raids • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • the New England Patriots suddenly being good again

Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • Mark Butt-fumble's TV career • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Chiefs Kingdom's livers and kidneys after realizing they might actually miss the playoffs • Weed

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On this day [edit]

November 21: International Couch Potato Day

1847 - The Great Irish Potato Famine reduces the number of Couch Potatoes in Scotland and Ireland by 25%. Tragically, this results in a global Deep-fried Mars Bar recession.
1877 - Thomas Edison announces his invention of the Pornograph, which is like a regular phonograph, except Edison describes to you various sex acts in shocking detail.
1922 - First female senator from Georgia introduces bill which says husbands should at least consider putting the dishes in the sink, is immediately impeached.
1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald gets laid for the last time, at least, the last time with a woman.
1974 - U.N. peacekeepers attempt to grow potatoes in Gaza, but the spuds are promptly blown up by the IDF due to growing underground.
1985 - Double agent Jonathan Pollard caught and arrested for leaking to Israel the secrets of getting lox to not be so slimy.
2013 - Protests erupt in Ukraine after Yanukovych reveals that Ukrainian language is just Russian but spelled funny.
2017 - The U.K. Supreme Court rules that jacket potatoes are potatoes covered in leather.

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Picture of the day on Wheels

The Microsoft Word Processor is good for the office and the kitchen! It can be yours for just 3 easy payments of $39.99!

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