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From today's featured article on Wheels [Feature an article]

In Pasticle Physics, antipasta is composed of anti-ingredients in the same way that pasta is composed of ingredients. For example, an antiegg and some antiwheat with a bit of antiwater can form an antipasta dough. It is potentially life-threatening to consume antipasta without extreme safety measures and a bit of luck. This is because when an anti-food particle comes into contact with a positive particle (for example a human's tongue) the two particles annihilate each other releasing a tremendous amount of energy (the equivalent of 1,000,000 spurts of explosive diarrhea after bad Mexican food). This means the more antiparmesan you add onto a mountain of antispaghetti, the more likely your body will paint the walls and ceiling before you finish eating it. Whilst an exciting, even an arousing proposal, it is a little too dangerous for most people (even if you have a little chub just thinking about anti-tortelini) and seen as reckless and hedonistic by conservative foodies.With excessive care, one can enjoy anti-rigatoni and most likely keep their stomach intact, their head on their shoulders and not shit out anti-blood. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?

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In the news on Wheels [edit]

Take that, Betty White!

Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches! (Pictured)
ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
The New York Yankees now fucking suck
Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
The UK to ban the resale of tickets
Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Ravens fans hiding in a corner after another choke

Recent deaths: The penny • Udo Kier • Jimmy Cliff • Warner Bros. • Sheen Estevez • Chet Ubetcha • Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs' season • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Dallas Cowboys' season • Patrick Mahomes' backup's ACL

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Indianapolis Colts' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025

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On this day [edit]

December 23: Festivus

1402 - Frank Constanza invents Festivus, "a holiday for the rest of us."
1888 - Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh cuts off part of his left ear, sells it on eBay for three times the list price.
1938 - Immigrants from the Old Country bring over the Festivus Pole (Pictured) to America, get rid of the tinsel as it's "too distracting."
1954 - The first successful piano transplant is performed, following failed attempts on organs and harpsichords.
1970 - Ted Cruz molts for the first time! He eats the scaly residue for sustenance.
2000 - Competing holiday Christmas Eve Eve gets laughed off the room by good, correct people.
2006 - Your uncle makes a scene during the Airing of Grievances, makes the rest of the day awkward.
2007 - You and Your mom duke it out in the Feats of Strength. Your Mom promptly beats your ass.

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