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From today's featured article on Wheels [Feature an article]

Jangles was a United States soldier and chimpanzee in the Vietnam War. Jangles was found outside of the city of Saigon in late 1967, assumed to have escaped his enclosure at the Saigon Zoo. Soldiers of the 101st Airborne Division took Jangles and cared for him. Eventually, their company commander jokingly sent Jangles off to the United States Army Airborne School, where he graduated at the top of his class. Jangles then served as an infantryman with the 101st Airborne Division, and briefly with the 5th Special Forces Group, earning the Special Forces tab. He fought in numerous battles during the Vietnam War.

Jangles was killed in action during the Fall of Saigon, when he attempted to toss away an enemy grenade that had landed near him and other service members. After the city fell, North Vietnamese troops paraded his corpse throughout Saigon and celebrated their victory. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?

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In the news on Wheels [edit]

Those poor bastards.

ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island (Pictured)
Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
The New York Yankees now fucking suck
Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
The UK to ban the resale of tickets
Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • The New England Patriots barely beating crappy opponents • Mike Tomlin screwing the Pittsburgh Steelers • Giants fans hiding in a corner • Bears invading Tennessee

Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny • Udo Kier • Jimmy Cliff • Warner Bros. • Sheen Estevez • Chet Ubetcha • Doug Dimmadome

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Chiefs Kingdom's and Ravens Flock's livers and kidneys after falling to 6-7 • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard

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On this day [edit]

December 12: Unfunny Joke Day (US) Wooly Animal Molestation Day (Wales)

1594 - Pickle loaf first made with dill dough.
1806 - Napoleon keeps his armies up his sleevies - a French word for chocolates.
1862 - Three baby seals walk into a club.
1900 - A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
1901 - Not learning their lesson, the same minister, priest and rabbi walk into a bar, knocking their heads. .
1929 - As a year, was really long and hard. That's what she said.
1933 - Hitler ties his shoes with little Nazis.
1945 - Joshua Ben Cohen discovers that finding half a worm in an apple is actually preferable to being a prisoner in Auschwitz.
1957 - Farmer Frank Peters in Kentuckistan leaves his gate open long enough for one of his chickens to cross the road.
1962 - Larry, a dog from Indiana, loses his nose when it is attacked by some drunk teenagers. Disgusted by his dog's hideous injury and not having enough money to pay a vet, the owner releases the injured dog into a forest on the other side of the state. After a few days of being fly-blown and delirous with pain, the dog begins to smell badly.
1964 - Researchers for the American Horror Book Readers Organization discover that many "Ghost Writers" are employed to write tales that involve ghosts. There is much laughter all round at the irony of this fact.
1965 - A boy takes a ruler with him to bed to see how long he slept. When he awakes, Leonid Breznev, the General secretary of the Soviet Communist Party, hits his stopwatch and informs him that he slept for 9 hours and 35 minutes. He also tells the boy that there are easier ways of finding out these facts and to please not call him again.
1966 - Not learning his lesson, the boy takes a saddle to bed, in case he has nightmares. He is sent to a gulag.
1981 - AIDS is unleashed upon the world by Jesus.
1984 - A baker robs a bank because he needed the dough - which he was able to steal from the lunch room which had its own bread maker, owned by a number of staff members who loved to eat fresh bread at lunch time.
1986 - So this guy comes into a bar, AW CRAP, sorry I said that wrong, it was suppose to be a donkey.....So this guy comes into a Donkey.
1987 - 3 men walk into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole joke plays out with a tedious inevitability
2002 - I hold a bukkake party, but nobody comes.
2003 - A man has the left side of his body amputated. He's alright now.
2004 - A clown is removed from a swing by hitting him in the face with an axe.
2005 - Uncyclopedia is created.
2005 the Third - In Soviet Russia, unfunny jokes don't laugh at YOU.
2012 - The month, year and day are the same number for the last time in the century.

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