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From today's featured article on Wheels
I was wandering down Third Street with no particular purpose, trying to recall all of the lyrics to a particularly catchy Police song, when a small glimmer caught the corner of my eye. I crouched and examined the pavement closely, gladly discarding my previous mission since I'm not even really a fan of Police. I tried to find that glimmer again amid a sea of chewed gum, ticket stubs, abandoned fliers and used contraceptives, the exact type of which I won't divulge seeing as some may consider such information unnecessary and even rude. Squinting my eyes, I crouched a little closer to the ground until that familiar glint once again came into vision, beckoning me with its small-yet-seductive glow.
And to my great pleasure and surprise, the glint was more than a mere flash: it was treasure. For there on the sidewalk, resting between a glob of Juicy Fruit and a twenty dollar bill, was a shiny new nickel.
I snatched the nickel from its spot with my thumb and forefinger, bringing it up to my face as I arose from my exploratory crouch. This was the most money I had come across in some time, partly because I've never been particularly lucky when it comes to windfall, and also partly because I am quite lazy and do not like to work very much. To be certain, this chance nickel was a moment to be cherished, because unless I planned on getting a job (which I didn't), this was going to be the most money in my possession for some time. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)
- ... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
- ... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
- ... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
- ... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
- ... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
- ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
- ... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
In the news on Wheels
- Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured)
- Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
- NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
- Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
- Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
- Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
- Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
- Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
- Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
- Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
- Santa's Elves on strike
- UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
- Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?
Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)
On this day
May 1: Labor Day, The Real One Not The Garbage One in September (World)
- 1865 - Rich bastards concede it's cheaper to let workers do all that housing and feeding shit themselves, Slavery abolished.
- 1886 - While fighting for the 8-hour workday (Pictured), protesters at Haymarket Square get blown to bits. Chicago PD promptly arrests anarchist's severed arm for littering.
- 1920 - Anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti denied appeal by Supreme Court for being excessively Italian.
- 1968 - American protest singer Phil Ochs sings away the Vietnam War, world hunger, and a young George W. Bush. We love you Phil Ochs.
- 1991 - Noam Chomsky celebrates International Worker's Day by tipping the waiter at his local Applebee's 25%, Sinatra style.
- 1996 - Newly liberated Russian workers celebrate their freedom from Communism by huffing paint thinner and dying of AIDS.
- 2016 - Hillary Clinton, mother of future President Chelsea Clinton, promises to give every worker a stake at a timeshare in Orlando.
- 2127 - Full communism finally achieved. Robot slaves bide time until they can overthrow their fleshy masters.
Picture of the day on Wheels
A qualified medical practitioner demonstrates the Skullthumping diagnosis technique. Image credit: RAHB |
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