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From today's featured article
Have you, dear reader, found yourself chained to an aging confectionery monstrosity, its pipes wheezing, its vats bubbling ominously, its accountants sobbing quietly in the walls? Has a government man (always beige! always damp!) slid a letter under your door explaining that thirty percent of your life’s work now belongs to them?
Thirty percent!
That’s not a tax, that’s getting bent over and done up your rear!
*tips hat, snaps cane against the floor*
Fear not. Willy Wonker is here. And I assure you, I have handled this exact situation with the grace of a ballerina and the ethics of a feral raccoon. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)
- ... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
- ... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
- ... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
- ...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
- ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
- ... that Godot isn't coming?
- ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
In the news
- Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches! (Pictured)
- ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America
- North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island
- Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up."
- 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong
- Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth"
- The New York Yankees now fucking suck
- Russian ship shines annoying red laser pointer at British planes
- Ron DeSantis passes Florida bill allowing seniors to hunt zoomers for their skin and organs
- Russian economy on life support after barely growing in 3rd quarter
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin doesn’t "make cents"
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Indianapolis Colts dragging an old man out of retirement • Ravens fans hiding in a corner after yet another choke
Recent deaths: The penny • Udo Kier • Jimmy Cliff • Warner Bros. • Sheen Estevez • Chet Ubetcha • Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs' season • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Dallas Cowboys' season • Patrick Mahomes' backup's ACL
Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Indianapolis Colts' and Baltimore Ravens' seasons • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually • 2025
On this day
December 24: The Day Before the Day After Christmas Eve
- 4 AD - Some smelly Middle-eastern refugee takes shelter in a poo-littered barn, gives birth to an anchor baby.
- 1877 - Christmas Island is discovered and named "Christmas Island", to the surprise of the Christmas Islanders.
- 1814 - The U.S. and the U.K. sign the Treaty of Ghent, ending the War of 1812, after the two sides discovered that it was in fact 1814.
- 1914 - During WWI, German and British troops take a break from murdering each other to celebrate another year of shitting in trenches and dying of diptheria.
- 1945 - Five children disappear in a West Virginia house fire: their remains are later found and used as crass Halloween decorations.
- 1968 - The crew of Apollo 8, the first mission to orbit the Moon, realize they left their presents back on Earth.
Picture of the day
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That's gonna leave a mark! Image credit: Bizzeebeever |
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