Baby-snatching

Snatcher 1, Baby 0.

Baby-snatching is the game sport activity generally considered to be "illegal" that is practiced worldwide by witches, dingos, pedophiles, politicians, social workers and all manner of people generally hated by society. It seems fairly simple at first, snatching the little demons, and then perhaps holding them for ransom, or touching them in creepy ways. However, it goes deeper than that. Way, WAY deeper. Come, journey with us at the Discovery Channel as we explore the ins and outs of the controversial yet vaguely enticing and arousing sport of Baby-snatching.

History

Poster for an anti-Snatch propaganda movie.

Baby-snatching has had a long and fruitful history. It is believed to have originated in the 1600s in England, and was at first practiced by early witches and demons, such as Oliver Cromwell, penguins, who should never be trusted under any circumstances, and Samwise Gamgee, likely the most evil of the lot. Modern day baby-snatching was invented by Theodore Snatch, a little known pseudonym used by Nicolaus Copernicus, an Austrian muffin peddler, astronomer, and avid pedophile.

Baby-snatching is now practiced legally in over 100 countries worldwide, and its success has led it to becoming an "underground" Olympic sport, as well as the creation of the Baby-Snatching Hall of Fame (BSHF) and a popular Baby-snatching video game. It has somehow survived great controversy, including the claims by republicans that it is UnAmerican, and claims by democrats that it attacks our civil liberties. Still, Baby-snatching remains a positive pastime in the eyes of the Green Rainbow Party, as well as in those of the "political atheists" who believe in no president. The main argument that baby-snatchers use to defend their sport is "Well, if a woman can get an abortion, why can't we can steal 13 or 14 babies to toss in the blender?"

What is Baby-Snatching?

Baby-snatching has many forms, but there are only 4 that matter, as designated by the IBSL (International Baby-Snatching League). These include Old School Snatch, Speed Snatch, Freestyle Snatch, and Standard Snatch. Although several forms are illegal in the US, Great Britain, and Australia, all have been accepted into the International Olympics of 2008.

Old School Snatch

In Old School Snatch, there are two teams, each with 5 players. Babies are randomly placed in a urban area within a 5 mile radius. Teams are challenged to snatch as many babies as they can in 1 hour. All use of vehicles is prohibited, although recreational steroids are generally allowed. Hammers are also acceptable snatching tools, though at least 40% of the baby's brain matter must be collected in order for it to count. Babies are not allowed the help of civilians to escape the clutches of the teams, but most will only help a baby for "the right price."

Speed Snatch

Well-known celebrity (and avid baby-snatcher) Charles Manson speedily grabs a baby, and runs off to snatch more. (Burlap sack not depicted)

Speed Snatch is by far the most popular form of baby-snatching. 100 Babies are randomly placed in a 100 ft by 100 ft room. Individuals are challenged to snatch as many babies as possible in a time-limit. There are three divisions, each for three time-limits, divisions A, B, and C. The possible time-limits are 10 seconds, 20 seconds, and 30 seconds. Competitors are allowed the use of only clothes on their backs, their bare hands, a large burlap sack, a tazer, and/or a pitchfork. A skilled and speedy speed snatcher (who snatches with speed) is often challenged to fit all of their babies into this single sack. Babies not stashed in the sack may be stolen by other players.

The world record for fitting babies into this sack was set by little known but avid speed snatcher Charles Manson. On a steamy august day after screwing around with your ex-girlfriend he managed to snatch and pack 63 and a half babies into his sack. Unfortunately for him, this burst of snatching prowess caused him to spontaneously combust, ending his speed snatching career. He did, however, remain an avid freestyle snatcher in purgatory, competing with the likes of Oswald Wykers and other people who at first glance look like an inside joke you know but later turn out to be a despicable impostor.

These firemen have taken a break for a quick round of freestyle snatching. Note the "stealth with bravado" attack method. Also important is the bear. Well, not really. I just stole this picture off another article. What did you expect???

Freestyle Snatch

Freestyle snatch is a far more modern version of baby snatching that dates back to the mid '80s. Freestyle is more about the quality of your snatching, and not so much of the quantity. You have to snatch ten babies in the most stylish ways. Judges will then pick the top three finalists to compete. Each has one baby to snatch in the most stylish way possible. Judges then choose the winner. Many schools of thought exist as to the most stylish snatching methods. Some believe it is best to be bold, or "long and strong," as they say, while others stress the "politicianishness," or how easy they make it look to completely avoid a question detection. Variations on freestyle include the "freestyle disco," which, although having little to do with baby-snatching at all, does have the word "freestyle" in it.

Standard Snatch

Not as strictly dictated by rules and scoring methods, the standard snatch is largely recreational, and played usually by kids too old to be snatched and older. It is simply the random snatching of innocent babies, and a talented snatcher can often go pro. Or at least they would if this were an actual sport and not just the twisted dream of some creep. When practiced by teenagers, babies snatched this way are usually huffed, which, although great for the preservation of kittens, has decidedly negative effects on babies.

Extreme Baby-Fishing

This is another "extreme" form of baby snatching. The objective is to use a plastic or rubber baby baby, or perhaps just something shiny, as bait to reel in other babies. There are 3 different difficulty levels. They are:

Beginner (Useless Novice)

Must obtain at least 10 points.

Medium (Player who is now worth about as much as (a little less than) the space they take up)

Must obtain at least 18 points.

Hard (1337 Ace of a pwnz0r who is ready to R4WR and w00t as they pwn n00b5)

Must obtain at least 25 points.

Point System

The point system is largely ignored.

For each ounce the baby weighs, one point is received, and babies fished alive are worth double points. As is made clear, the utmost intention of the players of this version of snatching is to preserve the lives of the babies. Because of this, Baby-fishing, though called extreme, is actually a sport for pussies.

Babies being readied for their punt. Look, he doesn't even know what he's got coming!!

The Baby-Punt

A slightly less extreme form of baby-snatching, in this one there are three contestants. Taken place on a flat terrain of your choice, the babies are lined up on pavement, and are kicked maliciously by contestants. Each contestant's baby is painted the color of their choice, often with elaborate designs. The contestant that kicks the baby the farthest is proclaimed the winner. Babies punted must be intact but dead. Babies that either splatter or remain alive are disqualified. This requires a skillful balance between power in the kick and gentleness towards the baby. In other words, prior to the kick, say, FUCK YOU BITCH I'M GONNA PUNT YOU!!!, but during your backswing say, aaww, the cutie-wootie-pootie w'ill babyyyy. Babies are often punted at an amateur level to celebrate a victory in an actual snatching event.

100-meter baby snatch

A popular form of baby-snatching training, the 100-meter snatch is excellent way to increase a participants speed, stamina, and snatch timing. First two or more snatchers line up on a 100-meter freeform track(usually through a daycare or hospital nursery) armed with nothing but a black trash-bag, hook, hockey mask, and a banana hammock. then the starter throws the staring baby(regulation size) in the air, when hits the ground the runners go. At the end the runner who has the most snatched babies (50% of a baby or better to count) wins.

Illegal Groups

Unfortunately, most illegal Baby-snatchers must snatch illegal babies, highly increasing the risk of death or serious injury. Babies can be very dangerous in large numbers!

As most people know, the IGIBSSB, or the Illegal Group of Illegal Baby Snatchers Snatching Babies, a rather long and not very "to-the-point" name if I do say so myself, is, in fact, illegal! This group earned their illegality in a very infamous way, when they arrived at the Mall of America and started an all out crazy form of snatch known as the baby-fuck. The illegality of this utmost improper form of snatch is right there in the name. It is not necessary to explain this game, although it may be necessary to imagine it.

Therefore, as of Friday, April 13, 2007, the IBL thereby declared themselves independent of the IGIBSSB, in any possible way.

“Any member of the IBL caught interacting with the IGIBSSB will immediately, and harshly, be expelled from the IBL. It's sickos like these people that slander the good name of Baby-snatching.”

~ Ivan Snatch, direct descendant of Theodore Snatch, and current iron-fisted(if you know what I mean) dictator of the IBL on the IGIBSSB

Since the declaration of their illegality, the IGIBSSB has supported the likes of infamous German cheater Mack Lugurdorf, known for an incident in which he placed a large number of electrically wired babies onto a Speed Snatching court. These babies began to electrocute and paralyze other players attempting to snatch them, and one player with a pacemaker died(sucks to be him!). Lugurdorf would most likely have succeeded in his plot, if not for the intervention of you meddling kids, as well as your mentally underprivileged dog. Velma discovered that the German snatcher was cheating when she figured out that he was scaring the snatch referees away by dressing up as the Creeper, who walks through walls. Actually, Lugurdorf had an elaborate tunnel system below the snatch court, and made ghostly noises echo through the stadium using a paper cup, a rubber band, and a cotton T-shirt. But, anyways, uh, those bad guys support him. the IG.....something or others.......It's too bad, really. Baby Snatching's used to be cool, ya know, and they, like, ruined it! Not cool, man, not cool........

Baby-Snatching 2k7 has arrived!!

A long awaited event, the release of BS 2K7 has arrived!! There have been many improvements since the original game, as EA Games has bought the already well selling title from Gearbox. Among the improvements are the much better graphics, an all new, re-defined team management system, and the addition of many new features, including, but not limited to, the Baby-Snatching Olympics as a much more stylized form of gameplay. This is due to, according to the management, baby-snatching's actual addition to the official Olympic games, since all variants will be played in the Summer Olympics of 2008 and the Summer Olympics of 2012, excluding Baby-fishing and including the Baby-punt.

Who Snatches Babies?

What'd I tell ya? Politicians eat snatch eat AND snatch babies.

Politicians.

Yes, most politicians are in fact avid baby snatchers. Often seen kissing babies, most people assume that this is some sign of affection for the babies and mankind in general. However, most people are retarded. The 'Baby's Kiss' as they call it, translates into 3 separate asian languages as 'The Super Crazy Evil Bad Man KISS OF DEATH!!!!!' Around 99.9% of all babies that have received the kiss quickly suffered from Exploding Head Syndrome. In fact, the only boy to have ever survived the attack was Harry Potter, due to his acute homosexuality that developed at an unusually early age. Politician baby snatching is often seen as the dark side of baby-snatching, and many politicians become addicted at an early age to "the thrill of the snatch."

The Chinese.

After the Chinese snatch babies they put them into work camps were they make plastic ducks and dog meat with high tech machines designed for Chinese people (normally size of babies) . when the babies reach the age of 12 they are sold to Allstate insurance for spare parts and office furniture.

The Impact of Baby Snatching

Baby-snatching - Eight out of these eight terrorists agree, it's all good.

In the end we can only interpret baby-snatching as an evil and horrible way for a few sick individuals to get some twisted kick, as well as an inevitable drain on society an all around great thing. Youths learn not only about the fragility of life, but also the importance of regular exercise, for both the snatching and huffing muscle groups. But more than that, a good game of snatch, or just a lady with a really nice snatch(If you know what I mean), can bring people together, and isn't that what it's all about? FUCK NO!!!! It's the sick idea from the sicker mind of the sickest person. Oh well, at least I've still got your mom, and with her as preggers as she was the last time I saw her, I've also probably got a nice little game of baby snatching to come home to...

See also

• Dead Baby Jokes
• Pedophile
• Baby-throwing
• HowTo:Cook A Fetus