Woodpecker

An Ivory Billed Woodpecker uses his keen eyesight to examine an image credit

The Woodpecker, contrary to popular belief, is actually a type of bird. The "bill" or "pecker" of this amazing bird is a weapon capable of destroying entire branches in one blow. Woodpeckers are easily recognizable by their fondness for knock-knock jokes and Double Entendres.

Species of woodpeckers

Woody Woodpecker

Also known as the woodfucker, it loves the wood and cannot get enough; it is, no doubt, the most famous species. Formerly seen in great flocks at theaters and on televisions, its numbers have been drastically reduced by competition from invasive species such as the video game and the Internet. Also now that tony blair has nothing to do he has made a hobby of catching them in nets and roasting them over a flaming chefs hat. They are known for making this sound: Hah-ha-ha Ha-ha! Hah-ha-ha Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! It's either a mating call or the result of using its head for a battering ram for eternity.

Imperial woodpecker

The Camptownraces monarchist formerly ruled most of the bird world; however, they were decapitated in great numbers during the French Revolution.

Lewis's Woodpecker

The Melancholy birdy was discovered by Jerry Lewis, who has refused to share, 'cause it's HIS.

Ivory Billed Woodpecker

The tragic loss of wetland habitat has driven many woodpeckers to suicide

The Polkadot tuskus is one of the most dapper of birds. In a famous example of biological symbiosis, this woodpecker long relied on its companion the elephant to provide ivory for its bill. When poaching reduced the elephant to an endangered species, the ivory billed woodpecker was driven to the brink of extinction.

Bakelite Billed Woodpecker

Picodot amberolis was produced as a less expensive substitute for the Ivory Billed at the start of the 20th century. As the bills tended to shatter or even explode from sudden blows, the species never lived up to market expectations. Known for being exceptionally gangsta.

PVC Billed Woodpecker

Picoand sepulveda is now the most familiar species. Not biodegradable.

Yellow Bellied Sapsucker

Sycophantus seersuckus. No really. Yellow Bellied Sapsucker. That's what they're called, okay? Are you done sniggering now? Oh, forget it.

Devil Pecker

Devilus gonnagetchous, as seen below. By far the most cunning, deadly, and evil of all woodpeckers, this bird can, and will, take great joy from violently attacking you, often leading to death. Malevolent and unpredictable, this woodpecker should be avoided at all times!!!