The Flash
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“I like a man in scarlet...”
“SLUT!”
The Flash is a superhero who runs around in red spandex, claiming to have the power to run at the speed of light. Actually,all he can do is flash himself at the speed of Oscar Wilde's quotes, thus losing his virginity and penis at the same time, causing people near him to have epileptic seizures and then choking to death on the sheer impossibility of it. He can be outrun by your 89-year-old grandmother. He actually got his name after an awkward sexual encounter that lasted exactly 0.05 seconds, prompting his then-girlfriend to quip, "Boy, you were done in a flash." After running home crying, he decided he was going to dress up in an outfit that was so fruity-looking even Superman wouldn't wear it.
Henceforth, he was known as "The Flash." Soon afterwards heroes began feeling sorry for him. so they let him hang around as long as he doesn't really develop a character or involve himself in anything (See the Justice League). As a direct result he has a epic legacy that spans 4 generations of pre-mature ejaculators. These "The Flashes" are Jew Gay-rick, Boring Allen, Wallabi Pest and the newest "The Flash" Bart Simpson.
Biographies[edit | edit source]
Jay Garrick[edit | edit source]
The first "The Flash" was not as proud about his lack of sexual stamina as the future generations, so he did not wear red spandex, or even have a "The" in front of his name. He was just "Flash" in case another came along. So instead of the quite embarrassing red spandex, he just wore blue spandex pants with yellow lightning bolts along the side, so as not to draw attention to himself. He also wore a hat from World War I.
Part of him being the "Flash" is that he ages really fast too. In fact, he instantly became senile when he was born and has been an oldie his whole life.
Boring Allen[edit | edit source]
Boring Allen was the first "The Flash" because he put "The" in front of "Flash." As you can tell he was one of America's leading scientists. He was also the first guy to really be proud about failing his girlfriend in that department, so he started wearing the full on red body-suit spandex. He is so proud of his ability to under perform in the sack, he travels through time with his most important invention; a treadmill. The treadmill works because Boring Allen gave it an artificial sense of embarrassment. Everyone knows how much treadmills hate being used by guys who can't satisfy women sexually, so whenever "The Flash" uses it, it goes so far as to defy space, time and geek imagination to throw itself and "The Flash" into new timelines. Because "The Flash" time travels, he is dead and alive, here and not here, boring and boring, and useless.
Wallabi Pest[edit | edit source]
Wallabi, or more commonly called by his nick-name Baby, was the first "The Kid-Flash." He was born into a generation that started experiencing sex earlier, thus his discovery of his lack of mojo was noticed early on in his life. Luckily he had a hero to look up to and draw inspiration from, Boring Allen. He loved Boring so much that he wore his own version of red spandex during the summer months, and then during the winter he wore his own creation of half yellow, half red, half orange and 50% homo spandex. When Boring got lost through time (though not really lost, just stupid) Baby took up the "The Flash" mantel.
Baby was the first "The Flash" to realise that him and the other "The Flash"es being unable to do for a woman what any normal man can do was not an accident, there was actually a mystical energy that sucked away their sperm endurance almost instantly. The Sperm Force. Upon realising this, Baby was able to suck at sex through walls and faster than ever before. He was even able to make people around him suck at sex, men and women. He became the most powerful "The Flash" yet.
Flashdance: What a Feeling[edit | edit source]
During Wallabi's time as Flash, he was confronted by a group of people who disliked him called the "Rogue Squadron." Most of them had had successful careers as actors at Lucasfilm until George Lucas (who was a actually a disguise for the demon Neron) stole their souls.
These soulless minions included the following:
- Miramaxter - a man with the power to use Miramax movies to reflect a person's true feelings.
- Capt. Pootytang - the son of the original Capt. Pootytang, this version was super-fast and an incredibly racist parody of American-Americans.
- Heatwave - Just a crappy villain.
- Capt. Dole - A freezing, cold-hearted man, Bob Dole uses his heart to commit crimes.
- The Hickster - A backwater Arkansas native, the Hickster uses his inbred genetic follies to create strange crimes.
- Weather Channel Wizard - the Weather Channel Wizard is secretly Jim Cantore, who uses his powers to make sure he is always right.
Anyways, the Rogue Squadron split in half, and they decided to fight on Wallabi's turf. Wallabi called in all of his friends (except for Aquaman, who sucks), and in the end they stopped the Rogue Squadron. However, it was not without a cost. Somehow, Wallabi's archnemesis, Broom (a Reverse-Flash of some sort) knocked up Wallabi's Chinese Mistress Linda Park.
Of course, this didn't matter so much because Wallabi was shot by Max Lord.
Bart Simpson[edit | edit source]
In the future, a cure is made for the problem that haunts "The Flashes." Boring finds this cure, and thrilled with it, has sex with as many women as he can in as many different time zones as he can. As a result, somewhere along the line he has sex with the girls who is the daughter of the son of him having sex with his niece's brother and as a result, he himself gives birth to a new "The Flash," Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson is then raised in tv-reality with a family as in real reality he does not age and in tv-reality that's not a problem. After an infinite amount of time, Bart inexplicably and vaguely breaks out of this reality and time and ends up in the present and grown up. Baby uses the Sperm Force to take away Bart's sexual stamina forever so he can become the next "The Flash." Baby then steals a random news reporter (its always news reporters for heroes) and her twins and jumps dimensions. Bart is left with his new "power" and a legacy he has no idea what to do with
Powers and abilities[edit | edit source]
"The Flash" has many real and useful "powers" they are:
- Walking Fast (sometimes at the speed of light)
- The Flash's ability to run at the speed of light comes from the stockings and panties that he wears under his tights causing intense sexual frustration. The stockings and panties are also known as The Sperm Force.
- Super lack of mojo
- Running straight into walls
- Singing showtunes in the shower
- Not being caught in photographs
- Menstrual cramps
- This is because when "The Flash" was born, he was not completely a man, but he is half woman.
- Some believe this may be the source of his (her?) abilities
- This is because when "The Flash" was born, he was not completely a man, but he is half woman.
- Collecting unemployment
- Pissing his pants
- He CAN vibrate through walls
- He can also just vibrate
- Being bitch-slapped by his mommy
- This is due to his super lack of backbone and balls in his tights.
- Calling up for take-out food (but never picking it up)
- He's also a REALLY bad tipper
- He can finish before you are done saying, "is it in yet?"
- He can slob on any knob
The Justice League[edit | edit source]
"The Flash" is a member of The Justice League. One might even say that he is the biggest member, if you get my drift. His role in the team is essentially to never use his powers as that may just resolve any conflict too quickly. So he travels everywhere with the team and is on their every mission, but does nothing at all. When travelling, he never goes by himself, partly because he needs the moral support. The League are quite annoyed with "The Flash" right now because the last time they travelled with him (Justice League Issue 216 - where HagelHawk defects) he constantly said "Are we there yet?" It is likely that "The Flash" will be ejected from the team and kicked into an alternative universe soon.
Rogues[edit | edit source]
- Some Guy with Mirrors who looks like David Cassidy
- Some Talking Gorilla
- Backwards Flash
- Steve
- The Blind Guy
- His landlady
- The IRS
- Retarded Flash
- Slow Flash
- This Guy
- You might be aware of This Guy as a result of reading other articles on uncyclopedia.co. He as recently become an enemy of "The Flash" because he is the creator of this article, and "The Flash" is current hunting him down.
- Token Fire Elemental Man
- Dyslexic Flash
- Token rainbow powered Man
- Obese Flash
- Psycho purple bitch
- Token Ice Elemental Man
- A Man Who Throws a Boomerang
- Taco Bell
- Token Weather-powered Man
- Cable TV
- The Anti-Flash
- My Dog Skip
- Skip had become an enemy of "The Flashes" ever since Skip bit off Wallabi Pest's balls (which were relatively nonexistent at the time, anyway) after he attempted to assault his owner (a young boy) on the morning of April 28, 1954 for calling him gay. However, after "The Flash" was mutilated, he was punched in the face by the boy owner, and he cried like a baby. Afterward, Wallabi had to undergo a sex change, and "The Flashes" hunted Skip until he died fifteen years later. May Skip rest in peace for performing an honorable duty for us all.
- Hollywood (because they'll never give him a movie, because he's really dumb)
- The slow, asthmatic fat kid in gym class
- Teenage mutant ninja turtles (but not the purple one)
- Some guy who ripped off the Joker and wears a retarted costume.
- Epic Zero
- Epic Zero had become an enemy of the Flash when he said he liked SpongeBob. See R.l.ullman
Movie[edit | edit source]
There is actually a "Flash" movie in the works; it will star some pretty boy as "The Flash", a Shakespearean actor who owes the studio money as one of his 50,000 enemies, and acclaimed actress Random Hot Chick as the girl he wants to nail and an adventure that will involve him having to overcome his personal demons to save the day. Such a plot has never ever EVER been devised in the history of Hollywood.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- "The Flash" was originally called "The Guy Who Can Run Kinda Fast," but the writers changed that because the character was already stupid enough, and they didn't think that adding a stupid name would help sell issues.
- "The Flash" is lactose intolerant
- "The Flash" vomits at the sight of blood (even if it's really ketchup)
- "The Flash" always writes his name in quotation marks and will go totally ape shit if ANYONE does it different
- "The Flash" is afraid of the dark and needs a "Batman" night light (just don't tell Batman because "The Flash" doesn't want Batman to feel uncomfortable and not invite him back to the Bat Cave)
- "The Flash" doesn't like you looking at him or the emphasis his costume puts on his lack of cock
- "The Flash" doesn't want you reading this because it ruins the legend of his coolness
- "The Flash" only eats Kraft Easy Mac Macaroni & Cheese
- "The Flash" is actually named after dirty old naked hobos wearing trenchcoats that quickly open and close the coat to random people, "flashing" them
- Wally West is not related to Adam West or Kayne West
- Barry Allen is related to Bart Allen.
- Jay Garrick is from Earth-Two, a place that is inhabited by evil pancakes.
- "The Flash" can outrun Superman and Speed Racer.
- "The Flash" is involved in yet another reboot, the Flashpoint, were he is rebooting everything
