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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

Johnny Positive: Well, it's been a long time coming, ever since Big Budgeted Action Movie with Tons O' Explosions has been announced I've been actively following the movie like a hawk; there is just something about the premise that attracts me. A movie about a mystical object that could grant the possessor power, a battle between good and evil, tons of CGI and awesome muscular characters, what movie hasn't done that? I've been through the trials and tribulations from the moment where the actor threatened to leave the movie if he didn't get some respect to the budgetary issues where the movie almost ran out of money and I've reached the moment which matters the most; the premiere. I was excited, I put on my T-Shirt and Hat which the movie producers graciously gave to me and I entered the theater with high expectations. Let me just say that after watching the movie, my expectations were extremely satisfied and I have a lot to tell you about this newfound movie classic. (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)

... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
...that you actually didn't know?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?

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In the news [edit]

Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted.

Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes
Trump presents new science project to Cabinet (Pictured)
Uncyclopedia introduces AI Age Guesser™, petition nears 100,000 signatures
Trump fires Zakk Wylde
Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione"
Epstein list predictions
Starmer bans pornography nationwide
- Starmer to ban VPNs nationwide
Ozzy Osbourne remembers Uncyclopedia
Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!"
Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison"
Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Israel/Hamas and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk) • Chicago Bears winning the preseason • K-pop: the movie doing surprisingly well

Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network/Adult Swim/Toonami on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3)

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates • Chicago Bears' regular season • MSNBC • ROBLOX • Cracker Barrel • Lil Nas X

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On this day [edit]

August 29: International Androgynous Goat-People Observance Day

328,987 BC - At 4:02pm, Goats evolve from Dolphins.
240v AC- Electricity became the new fad in tribes.
33 AD - St. John of Patmos has a wet dream.
1189 - Ban Kulin wrote The Charter of Kulin, which was later banned.
1490-something - Chet Columbus lands in Ohio.
1862 - Second Battle of Bull Run. This time, Bruce Willis is brought in as lead actor in an effort to stimulate box office sales.
1924 - The cheeseburger is invented in Cheeseburg, California.
1927 - Helen Keller is born, but doesn't even notice the difference.
1942 - In response to World War II, ham is invented. Winston Churchill proclaims it "One small step for man, one giant leap for breakfast".
1942 - Famed restaurant the Grease Hut opens it doors for the first time, collectively clogging arteries across the nation.
1956 - In a remote corner of Canada, nothing happens.
1972 - Pringles, the first tessellating potato snack, are invented in Leicester by mathematician Dr Julius Pringle in order to save storage space in his tiny kitchen.
1999 - The War of 1812 is fought by several confused historians. Albert Einstein is the special guest referee. Soundtrack available from Arista. Shown worldwide on Pay-Per-View. Presented by Snickers. "Hungry? Why Wait?"
2005 - The Gulf Coast experiences light rainshowers and a moderate breeze.
2006 - The Antichrist comes, wearing a miniskirt.
2008 - The individual presumed to be The Antichrist was in fact the new Republican Party publicity director. Seems they dress in similar fashion.

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Picture of the day

Adventure Time with Lewis the Dog and Clark the Human

Expedition Time!

Come on, grab your guides

We'll go to very distant lands

With Lewis the Governor and Clark the veteran

The fun will never end, it's Expedition Time!

Image credit: Nikau (talk)
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