HowTo:Survive a Horror Movie

I'm still drunk, right?...

INT. A DARK AND PROBABLY RATHER SMELLY ROOM — NIGHT

Two teenagers lie on the grimy floor of said room, unconscious. Their clothes are torn and they are surrounded by pools of blood.

The girl, LAURA, wakes up.

LAURA

W... where are we?

Nothing happens.

LAURA (CONT'D)

Jason? Are you OK? Tell me you're OK! We need to establish a relationship to progress the movie!

Nothing continues to happen.

JASON

Ohh...

LAURA

Jason! Are you OK?

JASON

Are you that hooker I hired?

LAURA

No, it's me, Laura! We were at that party yesterday night, and we got really drunk, and I don't remember what happened next!

JASON

Oh, that explains my splitting headache.

LAURA

No, I think that's down to blood loss.

JASON

Well Laura, thanks for explaining the back story. Now, I think we should figure out how to get out of here, or possibly where the killer is.

LAURA

I don't know. The second one sounds kind fun...

Suddenly, there is a LOUD CREAKING NOISE!!

LAURA (CONT'D)

What do you think that was?

JASON

Could it not be the killer?

LAURA

No.

Jason gets up.

JASON

If we're in a horror movie, we need to fashion weapons to use against the killer.

LAURA

How can you be sure we're in a horror movie?

JASON

What bra size are you?

LAURA

Touché.

Jason picks up a piece of wood and breaks it in two so that the end is sharpened.

JASON

Hell, this ought to do.

He throws Laura a piece.

LAURA

Thanks.

A moment of silence goes by.

LAURA (CONT'D)

You know, I interpret you throwing me this piece of mouldy wood as a sign of affection. And I want you to know that I share this badly-thought out affection.

JASON

Of course you do. The critics need something to maul.

Kill it with fire!

They kiss. Suddenly, THE KILLER BREAKS IN!

LAURA

Holy shit!

Jason punches the killer in the face, and kicks him in the crotch for good measure.

He falls to the floor, dead.

JASON

Looks like his chemistry teacher forgot to teach him about... the element of surprise! Zing!

Jason and Laura survive and live happily ever after.

THE END.

See also

• HowTo:Convince Your Friends You're Not a Zombie

Whore and Gore to shit your pants to

Genres	Horror fiction - Horror film - Scary Movie - Slasher film - Cancer porn - Nunsploitation
Movies	Alien - Alien vs. Predator - Bambi - Cannibal Holocaust - Creepshow: The Crate - Death Proof - Drag Me to Hell - The Exorcist - Final Destination - Fountainhead Earth - Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle - Freddy v. Jason - Friday the 13th - Ghostbusters - Godzilla vs. Urethra - Hostel - JAWS - Little Shop of Horrors - Misery - The Phantom of the Opera - Predator - Psycho - Saw - The Shining - Snakes on a Plane - Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Wicker Man - Home Alone 2
Sagas	American Horror Story - Dexter - Dracula - Frankenstein - Halloween - It - Saw - Scream - Sex and the City - Stranger Things - The Handmaid's Tale - The Twilight Zone - The X-Files - True Blood - The Backrooms - Skibidi Toilet
Games	9-11: The Video Game - Amnesia: The Dark Descent - The Last of Us - Monster Party - Godzilla - Resident Evil - Silent Hill - Slender - Space Invaders - Yu-Gi-Oh! - Zork
Characters	Patrick Bateman - Dracula - Dr. Frankestein - Michael Jackson - JigSaw - Freddy Krueger - Hannibal Lecter - Old McDonald - Dexter Morgan - Mike Myers - Pennywise - Butters Stotch - Sweeney Todd - Jason Voorhees
Creatures	Aliens - Cthulhu - Frankenstein Monster - Grue - Ghosts - Jack O'Lantern - Skeletons - Vampires - Xenomorph - Zombies
Creators	David Cronenberg - King Diamond - Stephen King - Kyle MacLachlan - H. P. Lovecraft - Bela Lugosi - David Lynch - Spike Milligan - Jordan Peele - Edgar Allan Poe - Eli Roth - Goa Tse - Mr. TwatCunt - Ed Wood
History	"Leprechaun" remake in the works - Michael Myers escapes from sanitarium, kills Christopher Walken - New "Halloween" movie getting little promotion; world in panic - Next Saw film to include a goatse-trap - "Halloween will be rated G" - Scheider death blamed on shark - Ving Rhames' dog kills zombie - "Saw VI" gets a G-rating by the MPAA - The Gremlins take over Cypress Hill's Instagram, killing massive amount of serious children - European Union turns Donald Trump into a walrus - Spotify removes Hannah's shoulders - Blackdick removed from Saw X - Saw X still the only logical candidate

Bullshit. Just get them naked and

cut their heads off! --Rick