Marvel Comics
- You may be looking for Ultimate Marvel Comics and not even know it! That's because you're just not geeky enough.
Marvel Comics, otherwise known as "DC-Comics-for-5-year-old-retard Comics" (Whereas DC-Comics are for one year old retards.) or "We-don't-know-how-to-write-good-comics-so-everybody-is-dark-and/or-mopey Comics" is a comic book company that mainly publishes books about the X-Men, a soap opera about people who can shoot laser beams from their eyes - one that makes absolutely no sense.
Marvel also occasionally publishes other titles such as Spider-Man, based on the 2007 film Spider-Man 3 about a tap dancing emo kid who can fly. As one of the top two comic book publishers in the US, its books are read by literally tens of rapidly aging fans who deage every other week thanks to the top secret Super Soldier serum created by Captain Cameltoe America.
Continuity[edit | edit source]
Within the Marvel continuity, there are endless alternate universe scenarios, and so many super-beings, that one's head would asplode if they even tried to comprehend a fraction of the information. Additionally, most of the stuff that happens during the course of the trillions of issues, is totally random-ass crap that doesn't make any sense, unless you have purchased and read EVERY SINGLE ISSUE of that series, and of at least 5 other Marvel series that share the same title. And not to mention all the fan fiction you can read which usually consists of Peter finally doing it with Mary Jane. But who gives a shit anyway.
History[edit | edit source]
Marvel comics is most commonly known as "the not DC-comics." It was first founded in 1894. It went bankrupt in 1909. After its shares were bought over by Nameless Ent, it was named Nameless Comics. However, it went bankrupt again in 1950. Its shares were then bought over by Aimless Ent, causing it to be renamed Aimless Comics. In 1989, it once again went broke. Its shares were bought over and it was renamed Fameless Comics. For several months, it was owned by Jesus, as a dare. In 1999, Mr. Mar Vell mass purchased the company shares, resulting in him domineering the company. It was then renamed Marvel Comics after Mar Vell. Since then, movies such as Scorpion-Man, Z-Men, Punch, Fear-Angel, Angel Rider, Bulk, Beelektra have been filmed.
On August 31, 2009 Marvel was bought by Mickey Mouse for a grand total of $10,000.38. Stan Lee also offered his soul as part of the deal. Following the buy, Mouse ordered the termination of several Big time Marvel members Includeing Spider Man and Iron Man. Other Marvel Stars killed included Wolverine who was discovered dead in his new Danger Room. Hulk, Thor, and the Fantastic Four were all killed by Boba Fett who was hired by mouse to eliminate the hard-to-reach targets.
Immediately after the deaths of the Marvel Superheroes, the surviving family of Jesus Christ himself (aka Jack Kirby) sued Marvel and Disney for copyright termination and unpaid profits. The Christ family claimed 30 years of offensively awful comics, movies and merchandising published after Jesus left the company as the reason for its lawsuit.
Captain Amarica and Nick Fury were speared from the assassinations due to new images drawn up by mouse. Captain Amarica was reprogramed and became the Hero known as Jew Slayer, while Nick agreed under contract to become Snake F***er.
All this said, it's needless to also say they've found more success in their Marvel Cinematic Universe anime movie series, which has recently been named of the highest grossing anime movie franchises of all time. No wonder their comics have gone down the shitter.
Current Titles[edit | edit source]
Marvel Comics currently publishes several dozen "X-books," or books about the X-Men! The large number of X-books is justified, because it takes 5 to 6 issues for anything to happen! This is called "writing for trade!"
A few times they have accidentally printed other comics. 'Power Pack', which features two neglectful parents, 'Fantastic Four' which features two neglectful parents, 'Daredevil' which is so boring people have actually thrown up from boredom, 'Ghost Rider', which they try and make boring and 'Marvel Swimsuit Specials' which features the female characters in bikinis. And some of the guys in brief swimsuits. Not bikinis.
In Short[edit | edit source]
Marvel is the greatest comic book company out there. They also create many awe-inspiring movies and a few crappy ones. Marvel comics IS practically Stan Lee; the other guys are like unknown. Even the Creator isn't more famous the Stan Lee. One should achieve as much Marvel paraphanaleia as humanly or meta-humanly possible! Other titles include:
- Hulk Dead August 31, 2009
- Spider-Man
- Iron Man Dead August 31, 2009
- Jew Slayer
- Thor Dead August 31, 2009
- Fantastic Four Dead August 31, 2009
- Wolverine Dead August 31, 2009
- Deadpool Currently on Loan to Hollywood
- Lego
- Dr. SeX
- Daredevil
- Igloo
- Rob Liefeld's Shaft!
- Galactus
- Aquaman
In addition, they happen to have a large library of monthly titles. Which they will release again. In six months. With Ultimate in the front.
