Greek gods

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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Greek gods.

They were 12: the twelve gods of Mount Olympus, their fathers and mothers, their sons and daughters, the nine muses, the nymphes, some daemons, demi-gods and other lesser creatures. They lived in Mount Olympus, is not necessarily placed in the mountain Olympus in Greece: pieces of it can be found in the sky, the Aether, the Underworld, the world, the dreamworld and so on. They had many names, some of them taken from the planets, other from the stars, even from distant galaxies.

Greco Conception of Mythology[edit | edit source]

The Greek Gods mostly did things which humans would like to do. Like the smiting of foes, the careless shags and the destruction of cities. An other favourite thing to do, was to "sleep" with other humans (usually innocent girls) and give birth to children, which other gods were jealous about and tried to eat, and or kill, but other gods protected them, leading the whole world (both ancient and modern) into a great confusion.

The most popular god, that survived until our days is the god "Oh". Evocations of this god exist from the 8000BC-years. The most common and short is the phrase "Oh god!". It's results are still researched from both science and philosophy.

An other interesting god is the "Anonymous" God. Theologists agree that the great father of the gods Cronos seems to forgot to give a name when he clicked the "Save" icon in the god-creation program, which saved the file as "Anonymous.god". The .god expression was forgotten through years.

The Partynon[edit | edit source]

A group of Gods that, of course, dedicated their eternal lives to par-tay-ing while the world suffered cataclysmic disasters and made useless offers to them. Then Zeus got a headache so an extremely drunk and naked Apollo attempted to face rape him, resulting in the cracking of his head. Thus Athena was born and everything went to Hell.

  • Zeus: The Big Daddy of all other Gods, Zeus ruled over them all and decided what drinking game they would play next. Hades once complained against this, claiming he didn`t want to be Hotlips again, and Zeus sent him to the Underworld. Zeus has a knack for sleeping with fine mortal bitches.

Once he began to take on some heavenly duties, Zeus was now senile and blind past his nose, possibly the reason why he took up the duty of Erratically Throwing Lightning Bolts In Unconvenient Places. On his free time he still knocked up women, without distinguishing mortals, nymphs, titans and goddesses.

  • Hera: Zeus´ wife/sister, her symbol was the Peacock. While Hera was one extremely fat lady during her times of par-tay-ing and preorganized orgies, where she the more the merrier and all that, but instantly became more somber (and in need of wrinkle-vanishing cream) once the wine vanished and the notion of Work reared its ugly head. This grim demeanor took her to taking care of the duty of Smiting All Women (And The Occasional Man) That Unknowingly Sleep With Her Senile Yet Unexplainably Attractive Husband.
  • Apollo: Apollo was the God of Light, which makes one assume that the Gods used electricity (commanded by the God Pikachu-Apollo's son/brother) before his birth. Once Apollo was born Zeus kicked Pikachu down to Earth where he began to amass his army of Testicles, uniting them under the communist notion of Pokémon, and is currently plotting on overthrowing the Partynon.

Back to Apollo, though, he was basically very attractive, for which Hera had to tie his disturbing husband to a post for a couple weeks. Apollo was worshipped among the Greeks as the God of Music, Healing, Light, Poetry and Gayness, basically the finest things in all societies. His official duty was Gaying Things Up. Rumor has it that Apollo has assumed the identity of a man named Jack Meoff. This would explain Wilde's immortality and unnaturally high awesome score.

  • Artemis: Born as Apollo´s twin sister, yet the fuglier one of the two, Artemis was quite neglected by her parents starting from a remarkably early age. This made her take on the duty of Igniting The Flame Of Feminism, which she took quite seriously (duh), refusing to shave her legs, cutting her hair short, becoming a great hunter ( hunting was considered a very macho sport)and occasionally experimenting with other women, much to Zeus´ delight. She is known as the Goddess of the Hunt, which has more than one meaning if you really really think about it.
  • Hades: Some Emo who rules the dead
  • Poseidon: Some old guy who likes playing in the water
  • Aphrodite: The girl who Poseidon plays with.
  • Athena: Some lady who kills even though she doesn't like war.
  • Wyatt:God of the Pokemon
  • Ares: A psychopathic old pyromaniac who kills things. Replaced by Kratos in a playstation game. True Story.
  • Hypnos: The Greek god of pretending to have sex with a mop on stage
  • Bill Cosby: Likely the greatest god that ever lived. Father of Wyatt.
  • Gyro: God of lamb and beef.

The Geeks, while an offshoot of ancient Greek civilization, ended up developing their own, independent Partynon and shunned worship of the original gods.

The Titans[edit | edit source]

Greek bust.

The Titans, also known as "Dose huge thangs walkin´ down da street, yo", were a select group of rather large beings that dedicated to wreaking havoc on the Earth (raping the fields and pillaging women) in order for nothing else to be ever able to live there. Official records claim that they eventually got bored and left the task to the Gods in order to pursue their career as rappers. They reached great fame as the Titans (Big Momma, Recutpac and Time Masta) during the 1960´s, but then humans momentarily stopped smoking crack and everything went to Hell.

  • Gaia: Known also as Mother Earth, Big Momma, and, rarely, Eve. Her heavenly duty is to Sit There.
  • Uranus In The Sky With Diamonds: Often shortened to Uranus and also known as Rectupac, the God with the power to make everyone Giggle with the mere mention of his name. Greek religion dictates: "If you see Uranus on the street, kill him, for he is not the true Uranus. The true Uranus is inside of you."
  • Chronos: Also known as Time Masta, he invented Clocks (And the Chronometer). Due to a digestion problem, he had to swallow his own live children regularly in order to maintain perfect health. The children that he swallowed include (but are not limited to): The Wonderland Rabbit, Marylin Monroe, Godzilla, Billy Hatcher, Harry Hamlin, and Athena. Whether Athena was swallowed or joined a Helmed Women´s Singing Choir in Detroit, however, is still in debate among scholars. Chronos´ lawyer makes no declarations regarding the matter.

Recently, Coldplay admitted to have stolen Clock from Chronos. They also affirmed that Chris Martin will be chained to a rock for a vulture to eternally peck at his liver as punishment starting from December 23, 2012. Prometheus has expressed his happiness regarding the prospect of a buddy he can talk to amidst the pecking. Dear God that sounded wrong.

They became unpopular, when they failed to protect Greece from intruding deities. Later, in the Renaissance, their popularity increased again due to poems and operas. Unfortunately, a new god had conquered the world these years (along with god Oh) and they failed to regain their lost power.