Would you like to learn more about euroipods? (You would, wouldn't you?)
At euroipods.com, our goal is to provide you with quality free iPods at a reasonable price. We unconditionally guarantee every free iPod we give away for the full amount of purchase! If you're not satisfied, you can return your iPod to us, no questions asked! And if anyone ever asks, we never even heard of you!
How can we do it?
Our super-efficient distribution center is located in the heart of Uzbekistan, well within range of passing American helicopter gunships. Consisting of three wheelbarrows and a small goat, this ultramodern euroipods.com facility can ship up to five iPods per day directly to your door! Many shipments even include postage! And if anyone ever asks, we never even heard of you!
Our customers agree!
- "This company purchases iPods from the Apple Store directly.... as well as boosting sales from iTunes... Apple are more than happy to have this company give out free iPods, I received one myself - it worked a treat! Flogged in on eBay mind you, for 200 quid! No complaints from me!" - Oscar, US
- "I signed up for all the offers and spent nearly $700 bucks and almost got the free iPod, except they wanted me to tell my friends about this great offer, but I didn't want those assholes to get a free iPod too, so I said fuck it and went without the iPod so my shithead friends wouldn't get one either." - Hrodulf, USA
- "I got mine just before Christmas.....my friends love the shiny blue and gold stars....I can't rate it high enough" - Mhaille, Liverpool
- "FAST SHIP! WOULD BUY FROM AGAIN, A++++++++++" - Elvis, The Moon
- "Immensely elegant quality! Remarkably foxy packaging. Breathtaking delivery. A++!" - Su, Iowa
- "With super-saver shipping I was able to get my free iPod from euroipods.com within just 24 weeks, and it only cost 200 quid! But still, I thought they were shaped more like, you know, pods? Anyway, it tasted funny, but I managed to keep it down through dessert, at least." - Krishna Murthabarium, Bangalore, India
- "When I received my free iPod, I opened the package with excitement, mixed with fear. Indeed, not merely fear, but raw, stark terror! For I imagined that deep within the depths of the innocently-labeled box there lurked an unspeakably ancient evil whose nightmarish malevolence spanned the boundaries of time and space, to reach into my mind, my very soul, and plunge my existence into irretrievable, hellish blackness! A piercing, mind-numbing cold gripped my heart as I extracted the horrid, malignant contents and laid them before me on the examination table... It was then that I realized that it was actually... an MP3 player!" - H.P. Lovejunk, Arkham, Massachusetts, USA
- "The first thing I did with my new free iPod was masturbate wildly to my favorite song ever, "Sussudio" by Phil Collins. I was a little worried that constantly thrusting a delicate electronic gadget like that into my arse over and over again might break it, but it came through like a trooper!" - Donnie Kong, New York, NY, USA
- "If euroipods.com didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent pointless, bitter, futile arguing over worthless trivialities and made-up principles that couldn't possibly be applicable to the real world. Also, free shipping would be a nice invention." - Billie Joe Voltaire, Paris, France
- "I asked about it, but they never even heard of me!" - Willie Horton, Tijuana, Mexico
- "This new free (sort of) iPod reminds me of tables... tables as thin as a contemporary look, all in all, jazzy jazzy, chairs with figured vests in wrought stripes, Paris jazzy, Paris green, black table, iron legs, wine sketches, bamboo jazz interlocking in cold, coldjazz love. Yep, that's what it reminds me of all righty." ~ F.K. Curtain, Swindon, UK
, after receiving His free iPod.
- "My God, this article totally sucks." - A Random User, Uncycloland, Earth
- "Euroipods is awesome! All I had to do was give them $250,000 and one of my kidneys, and I got an iPod for free! Thanks Euroipods, you guys are the greatest! - Insy, Sometownyouhaveneverheardof, KS, USA
- *Testimonials are not free. But you only pay for the shipping!**
- **And handling.***
- ***And retail price.****
- ****Add $40 fuel surcharge.
- *****For countries outside of Uzbekistan, units may not actually exist.
- ******Uzbeki domestic customers only: We no longer accept dried yak dung as payment. Please make all payments in fresh horse manure only.
Please note that this offer does not apply in Utah, North America, South America, Florida, Africa, Australia, Super Asia, Antarctica, Google-land, Mars, Europe, or Microsoft. (For Microsoft customers, packages containing the severed nut-sack of Steve Ballmer, adorned with a plastic novelty squirt-flower, will be shipped instead.)
Please note some more that we are not actually giving away money or referring to friends. Nor are we supporting in any rhyme, reason, way, or bicycle the sale, leasing, holding, or pushing out your arse of free iPods. All fake restrictions apply. All real restrictions are on lunch break. You may already have won a million coupons for breath mints (actual value: $-0.0039), which is fortunate because you probably need them, badly. We are also in no way responsible for anything whatsoever, nor do we assume responsibility for the foregoing statement that says we are not responsible for anything whatsoever, which includes this statement that we're making right now.
Please continue to note that euroipods.com does not provide any warranties or other asssurances whatsoever that your once-happy public collaborative internet site will not be severely and perhaps irrevocably affected by pointless, petty, nasty, mean-spirited, ugly, emotionally disturbing, vulgar, hateful, divisive, insane, (did we mention "petty" yet?) stupid, incoherent, malicious, cheap, narrow-minded, pusillanimous, despicable, incomprehensible, and seriously gay ad hominem personal attacks regarding the dissemination of information about euroipods.com.
Please fail to note entirely that if you edit this article, even to correct spelling mistakes, you will be blocked from editing Uncyclopedia for a period of approximately 60 minutes. During that time, you may go to the bathroom, play with your pet kittens, have wild sex with your spouse or "significant other," bake a pie, drive your car to the laundromat in a pathetically cheap and vain attempt to pick up women (or men, as the case may be), dive into a pool of molten lava, watch yet another tedious episode of 24, or even edit some other website entirely. The purpose of the 60-minute period is to allow Uncyclopedia administrators to thrust their collective nut-sacks out in your general direction, in order to demonstrate their superiority over you at the task of maintaining high quality standards. If you should be stupid enough to return after 60 minutes, you will probably be blocked from editing for a further 24 hours, simply because large nut-sacks exist to be demonstrated at every possible opportunity. During this period, you may wish to shut down your computer entirely, and possibly trade it in for something more useful, such as a wad of toilet paper or a piece of moldy cheese. Should you remain stupid enough to return after the 24 hours are over, you will, in all likelihood, be sysopped. At that point, you might as well just commit suicide.
For still more highly useful information
Euroipods (video game) • Blah, Blah, Blah • Euroipods Crusade • Neuroipods • Euripides
And as if all that wasn't inexplicable enough