Aqua (band)

“They're a Eurodance knockoff of ABBA, down to the name.”

~ Captain Obvious

The band's logo.

Aqua, also known as AquaScope is a Danish-Norwegian Eurodance band most popular for their 1997 single "Barbie Girl". Founded as Joyspeed in Copenhagen sometime in 1989 or 1995 by three people. When they expanded into a quartet with in their 1997 debut album Aquarium, followed by Aquarius in 2000 and Megalomania in 2011, the band sold a staggering 33 million albums, making them the top Scandanavian export since LEGO and ABBA. Their lineup features vocalists René Dif and Lene Nystrøm, keyboardist Søren Rasted, and guitarist Claus Norreen, who eventually peaked as a remix DJ while the others enjoyed solo stardom.

"Barbie Girl", their only hit in the United States, was highly despised by both parents and critics. Allegedly, Rebecca Black was inspired by the inherent catchiness and annoying vocals after listening to it, releasing "Friday" as a result. However, in retrospective, it was praised for either being too early or too late in parodying pop culture.

History

Formation

As shown in the picture, Lene Nystrøm.

In the 1990s, Søren Rasted and Claus Norreen, two wannabe Europop musicians, applied to a contest where they'd get to make music for a film that you won't care about. This contest was really created by Nordisk Film to not spend any money on musicians, purely using their clout to rope in wannabes. Surprisingly, probably because no one could be bothered to join, the duo won it. and were hired to produce a soundtrack for the film. At that time, Pitbull, who at time was using the alias René Dif, was working as a club DJ; he was hired for some of the songs. After getting along well, the trio decided that they would work together again on a future project, with Pitbull rapping nonsense. However, they needed a singer. That singer would be Norwegian actress Lene Nystrøm.

In 1994, Nystrøm was working as a singer on the Norwegian cruise ship MS Peter Wessel. Pitbull was there, trying to hit on her. After successfully bribing her $30,000 to make her his girlfriend, he convinced her to join the band, which he called Joyspeed. Their first hit, Itzy Bitzy Spider, was as expected, a gangsta version of the nursery rhyme. No one, not even in Sweden, cared about it, and after lingering in the lower end of the Swedish charts, was finally reduced to nothing.

Aquarium and international breakthrough

The cover art of Aquarium. Aqua would later be criticized for not including any turtle covers.

With a new manager and no record deal, the group started over. The four, like many failed musicians, began producing and writing songs in the newest fad, Eurodance. Unlike other Eurodance musicians however, they would do anything for fame. Pitbull's American musical career hadn't even existed, meaning the band often had to do degrading things to get auditions. This desperation attracted the attention of major label Universal Music Denmark, who agreed to do some songs with them as long as they had a name. They didn't. As a result, while looking at an ABBA poster, they had the most extreme idea. What if they stole the name, with some tweaks of course. That was how Aqua was born. The group's first release under their new name was "Roses Are Red", a dance song which, just like "Itzy Bitzy Spider", was a rehash of a well-known kids song with gangsta beats. Released in Denmark in September 1996, somehow it stayed in the charts for over two months, eventually selling enough copies to be certified platinum.

Their follow-up single in February 1997 followed the same style. Titled "My Oh My", it was about the band cosplaying as pirates. Yes, really. No one knows why, but somehow, this single broke all Danish sales records by being certified gold within six days, later making Aqua a household name...in Denmark. Shocked how people actually liked their music, in 1997, Aqua released their debut album, Aquarium. Universal Music Group had by now begun to market the group in other countries, realizing that they better milk the band prior to its popularity dying off. Although Aquarium would succeed, critics would criticize them for not including any turtle covers, arguably making it clickbait.

"Barbie Girl"

The cover art of the song.

“Life in plastic, it's fantastic.”

– Michael Jackson and Kim Kardashian on "Barbie Girl"

“I would argue that it's a very smart song. Certainly a very layered and complicated song. But it is also a very stupid, shallow song in the sense that it's literally about being shallow and stupid.”

– Todd in the Shadows on "Barbie Girl"

“Like, the song is totally dissed by a lot of people, because they just don’t understand what it’s really like to be a Barbie girl. I mean, we go through a lot of personal turmoil on a day to day basis, because being perfect in every way shape and form isn’t easy!”

– Barbie on "Barbie Girl"

"Barbie Girl" was, in the United States, Aqua's only hit there. Made to satirize Barbie, it caused the band to be sued many, many times by Mattel, who only wanted Barbies to be worshipped and didn't like her being called a "blonde bimbo" when the singer was a bloody brunette. Surprisingly, the case was dismissed and Aqua got free publicity, making it one of the only times that money couldn't override fair use. In total, the song sold a whopping eight million copies globally, making it a drastic improvement from their Joyspeed days. Several years later, due to public outcry, Mattel had the odd idea to request permission to release a cover of the song by black rappers Nicki Minaj and Ice Spice for its 2022 movie Barbenheimer, which is, in itself, a parody of Barbie. Huh. Oh, right, the music video.

In the music video for "Barbie Girl", Ken, tries to invite Barbie to a party. However, it's hard to convince her because she rather likes to spend time skating, listening to music, swimming, kissing her horse perhaps a bit too sexually, or just fooling around. After riding the car, they finally arrive to the party. Two friends of Barbie and Ken arrive, but Barbie accidentally takes out Ken's plastic arm as vengeance. She eventually forgives him, claiming that "the arm can be replaced". Barbie & Ken end kissing. That's it.

Aquarius, Mattel lawsuit, and breakup

The cover art of Aquarius

After Y2K, in early 2000, Aqua released their second album Aquarius, which was a desperate attempt to be relevant. Surprisingly, it worked...outside of the United States, of course. As "Barbie Girl" had caused them to be hated and Y2K erased any mention of them, the band was not able to have any success there. Nevertheless, they did do a homage to Y2K with "Cartoon Heroes", which was, for some reason, successful in Denmark. Their next single, "Around The World", was a desperate attempt to siphon off the fame of Daft Punk, who had release a song with that name three years prior. After that, a beleaguered Aqua released "Bumble Bees", a parody of their status as a one-hit wonder in the states. Alas, they couldn't get away with pissing off Mattel for so long. In December 2000, they sued Aqua for emotional damages. It failed. Getting increasingly sick of touring, after Pitbull left the band in early 2001 to focus on his American music career, Aqua was disbanded soon after.

Reunion(s) and "Barbie World"

The original cover art of "Back to the 80s". It wasn't chosen as environmental activism was only hip a decade prior.

After reuniting in 2008 as Pitbull agreed to rejoin the band, Aqua released a greatest hits album on 15 June 2009, which includes 16 old remastered tracks and three new songs: "My Mamma Said", "Live Fast, Die Young", and "Back to the 80s". Despite all being desperate attempts to be relevant, somehow, Aqua's gamble paid off, as "Back to the 80s" debuted at number one in Denmark where it stayed for six weeks, becoming the band's fifth number-one single.

Realizing that they better milk this revival for at least a year, a few months later, they announced that Aqua would be making a new album, Megalovmania. Trying to be hip and cool, they did what many wannabe gamers did; say fuck a lot. No seriously, Pitbull fucking said that doing that alone would make it "...a lot more aggressive and a lot more like full-on party dance music." Sorry sir, it's still Europop. Despite that, "How R U Doin?", "Like a Robot", and "Playmate to Jesus", two singles from Megalomania, charted in Denmark. Alas, Aqua knew that they had exhausted all their clout and, as a result, disbanded once again.

Despite that, in 2016, they realized that, by a miracle, they were still somewhat relevant, reuniting again. Doing a few concerts and being relevant, they would earn some cash. However, in 2022, they would be shocked to receive this letter:

Dear Aqua,

We fucking want your song to cover in our movie. Give us the rights or we'll sue you again, cunts.

Sincerely, Mattel

Realizing that they now had an opportunity to now be truly relevant, they agreed. Barbie Girl was covered by Black rappers Nicki Minaj and Ice Spice, somehow, despite the former rapper being far more like a whore than an actual woman, "Barbie World" was just as explicit as the original, if not less due to the autotune. Alas, Aqua finally had their dream: being relevant in America, fulfilled. They even got nominated for a Grammy.

Discography

Since their formation in the 1990s, Aqua has released music. Most of it is meh, hence me being happy as they only released three albums. Despite that, a minority...ok, some...of their music is good. However, most people only care about "Barbie Girl", so I still win.

Aquarium (1997)

• "Roses Are Red"
• "My Oh My"
• "Barbie Girl"
• "Doctor Jones"
• "Lollipop (Candyman)"
• "Turn Back Time"
• "Good Morning Sunshine"

Aquarius (2000)

• "Cartoon Heroes"
• "Around the World"
• "Bumble Bees"
• "We Belong to the Sea"

Megalomania (2011)

• "How R U Doin?"
• "Playmate to Jesus"
• "Like a Robot"

See also

• Material Girl
• Botox Boy
• What these parodies are to Americans