Swimming

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“It is my life, not including my drug incidents.”

~ Michael Phelps on swimming and accidental drug abuse images
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For the uncouth among us who choose lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Swimming.

Swimming is and always has been an excuse for guys to wear tight cloth like garments around their genital areas and for girls to show off the slight bumps on their chest that they have developed over winter. Of course, some people wear loose swimmers known to many as "board shorts." This is just because their penises are not big enough to fill regular tight swimmers.

Swimming is the opposite of walking. Generally it is done in water. It is a useless pastime, as generally swimmers swim up and down a hole filled with water wasting a lot of energy, when walking along the side is three times as fast?

Swimming is sometimes simply an excuse to perv, sure you see people swimming laps, but if you think these people are doing it to get fit then you sir are doing well to have read this far, any way it is quite obvious that they are looking at the people from under the water, and as they turn touching their genitals and looking at girls causing little pleasure each time.

Swimming also gives women an excuse to not shave their legs for weeks before a big swim and guys a reason to finally feel what it is like to be shaved. Women in swimming find this relieving and also unusually attractive to feel a male swimmers freshly shaved legs, back, and head. Hmm...

Recreational Swimmers[edit | edit source]

There are ten[1] basic[2] types[3] of people[4] that you[5] will see[6] at a public pool[7].

  1. A girl who lays out and has sexy breasts.
  2. Young undeveloped boys that constantly shout.[8]
  3. Young undeveloped girls that constantly scream.
  4. That pervert who likes to make an occasional glance towards you.
  5. An old fat lady wearing a costume that shows too much saggy ass than anyone would prefer.
  6. A toddler surrounded by suspiciously yellow water.
  7. The try hard gangsters. (Normally wearing 3 pairs of basketball shorts and chains.)[9]

Which group are you in?[edit | edit source]

Now you ask yourself: are you in one of these groups? If you're not you have to ask yourself what are you doing at a public pool? Is it because you enjoy the STD's that you will inevitably get or is it because you can't get a man in real life and you like to sit in the pool with your pants off hoping someone has recently ejaculated in there so you can get pregnant?

Whatever the reason, if you think you don't fit one of those groups and you don't fit one of the reasons above then you are either in denial[10] or you're mentally retarded; if this is the case you have four options.

  1. Stop reading this article and maybe try going to the mentality page[11].
  2. Stop reading this article and go to Wikipedia to learn more[12].
  3. Get off the internet[13].
  4. Suicide[14].

Swimmers and safe sex[edit | edit source]

  • Having sex while swimming is the safest method of having sex. In fact this is more safe than abstinence. The ancient quote "If you have sex you WILL die" does not count if you're in the pool, of course this is not the place to discuss the reasons behind this, but it has something to do with the sperm being afraid of water and getting stuck in the penis causing an explosion (which is entirely irrelevant[15]).

Different Strokes for Different Folks[edit | edit source]

There are four basic types of strokes: free [16], butterfly [17], breast [18], and back.

Free[edit | edit source]

Even though you can technically swim however you want with this stroke, you're really not allowed to do anything besides the one motion because otherwise people will make fun of you and call you maladjusted. Or else they'll just shun you like you're a ginger or something.

Fly[edit | edit source]

Fly requires huge amounts of effort in order to move just the tiniest bit forward. The ideal form for fly is sort of like doing the worm while using your arms to propel you forward. If you're not naturally gifted[19], you really should not attempt this because you'll end up flopping around like a dead fish on steroids.

Breast[edit | edit source]

Breast is pretty much the only time you're ever allowed to breathe during the actual stroke. If you're not swimming breast, you're not allowed to breath. Ever. Breast is also cool because you can pretend like you're a frog when you swim, and if you want you can even say "ribbet" every time you stroke, but that might get kinda awkward during practice.

Back[edit | edit source]

Make sure to lift your hips while swimming back, because otherwise every stroke you take will cause your mouth to fill with water and you will drown. As long as you don't drown though, you're set!

Olympic Swimming[edit | edit source]

A prime example of the joy Olympic swimming brings.

Now on to Olympic swimming, this of course is rigged, Ian "Thorpedo" Thorpe, is as many of you can guess an asian invention that the Australians stole, along with the kangaroo and Tasmania, the whole sport is faked just like Car Racing and tenpin bowling. The Pool is actually only 25 metres long not 50 and through the magic of camera angles it is made to look like 50, the water is also actually sewage and through the wonders of photoshop (which I add is quite easy to get for free) they make it look clean, the acual race consists of two or three swimmers (the ones out in front) and the rest are put in digitally (so if your looking to become an olympic swimmer, then stop now because you will either be swimming in sewage for 25 meters against something Asians made, or you stand there and they cut you out and add you to the race later).

Thongnotes[20][edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ Although we have listed seven basic types, there is always the potential for crossover in between types. For instance the undeveloped boys can also be perverts, and the old fat lady may have sexy breasts. Having said that, the undeveloped, fat, perverse hermaphroditic, gangster of indiscriminate age surrounded by yellow water can still come as a shock to those unaware of its existence.
  2. ↑ For the advanced types of people, see the list of Uncyclopedia administrators. Word up to my peeps.
  3. ↑ Although discouraged pigeonholing people in any context.
  4. ↑ This term is used loosely.
  5. ↑ <insert name here>.
  6. ↑ For see you may also substitute "Look at" or "ogle."
  7. ↑ Not to be confused with pubic. Pubic pools are less damp but have more hair. If you dived into a pubic pool would would understand the distinct difference between the two
  8. ↑ Boys in this context simply refers to males and does not limit to a particular age bracket.
  9. ↑ Yes, I know I said ten. I'm a writer, not a mathematician.
  10. ↑ The largest river in Egypt. They say it used to run from East to West.
  11. ↑ It is possible that this will lead to the option 4
  12. ↑ Not necessarily anything more accurate. In fact we wouldn't suggest this at all.
  13. ↑ If you wish to get off the internet, click here
  14. ↑ Yes this is a good choice, do you really want to be a vegetable your whole life, I mean seriously no one likes vegetables.
  15. ↑ Your penis is irrelevant that is. The explosion in there is less so. (Apologies to our female readers.)
  16. ↑ Free for the first month only, and then $29.99 per month for the remainder of your life. Call now to pay by credit card and we'll even throw in a free set of steak knives!
  17. ↑ commonly referred to as "fly"
  18. ↑ Boobies!
  19. ↑ As you are sitting here reading an article on Uncyclopedia, and you don't have gills, it is safe to assume that you're not.
  20. ↑ This article needs more notes

Related News Items[edit | edit source]

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