User:JJtheWikiCre8r/Interstate 95

THIS PAGE SERVES AS ARCHIVE ONLY IN CASE THE RECREATED I-95 PAGE GETS HUFFED AGAIN

Interstate 95
Part of the Jerry Seinfeld Interstate Highway System
Length: Stopped counting at at 1 mile Formed: Raw sewage South End: Mile Marker -10-999 (commonly rounded up to Mile Marker 0) in Key West, Florida. Major Junctions: Every interstate with a zero at the end except for 30, 50, and 60. North End: Interstate Q20 somewhere in Quebec.

Interstate 95

Interstate 95 is the longest north-south Interstate. It is also the longest parking lot and the longest Uncyclopedia Flame War. The first can be proven with rulers or tape measures and the second can be proven by Facebook tirades and Google satellite imagery. How can the third be proven? Two ways.

Uncyclopedia has standards

Whereas this is passable on Wikipedia, it is UN:VFD criteria on here. It is a good example of how to be stupid and not just funny. Here is a discussion from 2013 and an image to prove my point:

The 2013 Discussion

I have deleted the pages because they were extremely poor. Interstate 95, in particular, had a lot of content that had previously been deleted either by consensus or as part of QA. I would strongly encourage you to read the links provided above to get an idea of what is acceptable for the wiki. Please let me know if you have any further questions.<USER CENSORED FOR PRIVACY> 00:51, 9 February 2013 (UTC)

If you have a sign for I-95 AND a dang link to it, then why don'tcha create a dang page for that bleepin' highway? That red link under that street sign tempts me like the fruit above and the water below Tantalus, the guy in the Underworld who was punished so he couldn't reach the fruit above him and water below him. By the way, hope you enjoy this because I am blocked from editing your arch-nemesis, Wikipedia, and I really do NOT want to figure out how to create my own wiki on Wikia because then my family will notice me illegally creating and editing it and then they will punish me for life and make me do my homework without this praised contraption. <USER CENSORED FOR PRIVACY> 00:56, 9 February 2013 (UTC)

The image

And this is why Uncyclopedia and I-95 are incompatible.

There are two types of editors on here

1. Those who cannot tell their Penis from their Middle finger
2. Those who should be writing novels instead of this crap.

I used to be in the former. I still am, but I used to as well.

And now the droids content you're looking for

History

I-95 was first commissioned by a footnote in the Declaration of Independence as a route connecting all the major cities of the 13 colonies. The number 95 was a reference to the 95 Feces, in which Martin Luther shat in front of 95 different churches as a protest of Catholicism. This was part of the US's way of saying "fuck you" to England.

Which side of America is this?

In 1899, Interstate 5 and I-95 got into World War Zero over which should hold the title of World's Longest Parking Lot. Hollywood sent Arnold Schwarzenegger to blow up several bridges on I-95 in Florida with a Harrier jump-jet, thereby reclaiming the World's Largest Parking Lot title for I-5. As a result, I-95 had to be rerouted onto the Florida's Turnpike temporarily until 1987 when the US Department of Transportation concluded it was for the better worse.

At one time, the New Jersey Turnpike was part of I-95, but because of extreme tolls and nobody giving a damn about it, that section was decommissioned, resulting in the infamous I-95 gap.

Route Description

Floriduh

Main article: I-95 in Florida

See also: Florida's Dirt Pike

During rush hour, even the variable toll express lanes can become congested.

Finding a location can be this simple.

As I said earlier and is also said on the Interstate 5 page, I-95 was blown up by Arnold Schwarzenegger to give I-5 back its World's Longest Parking Lot status. As such, it had to be rerouted onto the Turnpike to stay continuous.

After leaving Miami, the road goes through Indian River Cuntry. Oops, county, aah aah aah. It then junctions with User:Enzo Aquarius/Interstate 4 at the overlycomplicated junction seen in one of the images on the side of this article. Around Andrew Jacksonville, I-95 intersects with I-295 twice —

“This is getting out of hand. Now there are two of them.”

~ Viceroy Gunray

— and Interstate 10. Given that I-4 and I-10 have articles, this should justify I-95 having one.

But wait, here's something I forgot from Uncyclopedia:Votes_for_deletion/Archive283:

Score: 3 Elapsed Time: 46603 hours
Keep (0)	No keep votes.
Delete (3)	Sucks ass, and mostly lifted from Wikipedia. <USER CENSORED FOR PRIVACY> 22:10 4 March 2019 Delete. Not humorous enough --<USER CENSORED FOR PRIVACY> Delete. I didn't laugh. <USER CENSORED FOR PRIVACY> 22:36, 12 March 2019 (UTC)
Comments

Seems like history is repeating...

Georgia

Main article for I-95 in the State: I-95 in the State of Georgia

Main article for I-95 in the Country: I-95 in the Country of Georgia

See this page to help you remember which witch Georgia is which.

Georgia has two principal meanings:

• Georgia (country), a country in the Caucasus, previously known as:
  • Various earlier Georgian kingdoms and states; see Georgia's history
  • Democratic Republic of Georgia (1918–21)
  • Georgian Soviet Socialist Republic (1921–91), part of the Soviet Union

• Georgia (U.S. State), previously known as:
  • The State of Georgia (1861–65), part of the Confederate States of America; see Georgia in the American Civil War
  • Province of Georgia (1732–76)

If you tell me which one thou art you are looking for, tell me because there are two Georgias and each has an I-95.

See. I told you.

South Carolina

Well, I guess this section is not really important. After all, the U.S. Highway 76 page was deleted due to a fag tag fix tag "expiring"

Also, Hurricane Florence destroyed its namesake city. Oh wait, they both derive their name from a random list of girls' names.

However, there is hope. Community planners in Walterboro have been hinting at the desire for an I-95 business loop between Exits 53 and 57, along SC 63, US ALT 17, US 15, and SC 64. However, nobody cares.

If there is anything important here, I shall make a video of it with Sandstorm by Darude as background music.

North Carolina

Yes. My homestate. However, I live closer to Interstate 40, so maybe I should write an article about that one. Oh, and by the way, U.S. Highway 52 is now Interstate 285. Georgia has one too, but nobody cares.

It has three auxHillarys:

• I-295. As nobody cares unless they live in Fayetteville, it is only a state road for now.
• I-495. This one was supposed to use US 64 to Kinect I-95 to Raleigh, but NC and Vagina thought that I-87 would be a better number (despite running west-east, being mostly east of I-95, and the negative press covfefe) because:
  • the Roanoke Colony was founded in 1587,
  • James Madison's plan to conquer the world draft the Prostitution Constipation Persecution Constitution of the United States was proposed in 1787.
  • NC State was founded in 1887. That is important because my brother attends NC State.
  • least but not last, stupidity.
• I-795. The only important one. Ironically, nothing here on Uncyclopedia.

It also had tolls, but New Jersey, Connecticut, Florida, Maryland, New Hampshire, and Delaware have "exclusive" rights to tolling I-95.

And did I tell you that Interstate 74, U.S. Highway 74, North Carolina State Road 74, and Uncyclopedia Trivial Travel Route 74 all junction with I-95 sharing the same corridor? Psychotic, ain't it?

Vagina

The Springfield Interchange, where I-95 merges onto the Capital Beltway. Note the resemblance to female genitalia.

And then, I-95 enters Vagina. US 301 also parallels the route, but nobody cares. Within Richmound, the route used to be toll as the Richmond Penisburg Turnpike, but the tolls were removed only to be replaced by tolls farther north closer to DC, which I cannot talk about due to government conspiracies.

It then merges onto the Capital Beltway via a series of Fallopian tubes and crosses into Maryland via a drawbridge that Swiper the Fox guards. Aww, man.

Since I cannot talk about DC due to government conspiracies, I'll talk more about the Confederate capital. The route connects to I-195, a bipolar schizophrenic highway that cannot decide whether it is an Interstate or a turnpike. To solve this problem, the city proposes castrating the route by cutting its dick and the southernmost two miles off. It also connects to the Poke-Your-Hontas Parkway, which was intended to be numbered as Interstate 895, but due to the state of Vagina bribing the federal government to finance the route and still putting tolls on it despite being politely told "Hell no," the route is signed as a state road, but using the number 895 as mockery of that whole controversie. FUCK, I cannot goddamn fucking swear, I mean spell you goddamn instinkts. Now shut your fucking mouth.

	This article was censored by the United States.
	However, der Führer approves it!

DC

Supposedly, the Woodrow Wilson Bridge enters DC for .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 miles but nobody cares, as usual.

Maryland

After leaving the Capital Beltway, I-95 heads towards Baltimore, which Donald Trump calls "a disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess FAR WORSE and more dangerous than the Mexico border, the worst run and most dangerous anywhere in the United States, where no human would want to live." That is why I-95 goes in a ditch under the city with Fort McMuffin nearby to defend it from "knickers." Despite the city (especially certain areas) being very poor, a toll is present on I-95. Well, you could take I-895, but it has tolls. Or I-695, but depending on which way you take will either have tolls or take you millions of miles out of the way and close to the west side.

The "North East Rising Sun" exit off I-95 in northern Maryland has been read by some drivers, including children's writer Samuel L. Jackson, as referring to a single exotically-named location.

After JFK was assassinated, the route north of Baltimore was named after him. And then given tolls. How considerate.

That reminds me of a story. A couple from Florida was travelling the route, and my father let them pass, so they thanked him by paying his toll too. Doesn't that sound like a McDonald's drive-thru story? Yes.

And another thing. I was planning on uploading the second Florida traffic image and the NERS junction signs to improve this article, but someone beat me to both of them.

Delawhere?

Still named after JFK. Then they named a rest area after Joe Biden. For Christ's sake, I mean MY sake, please add something named after me to the route. Then, I-295 (there are eight of them, go figure) forks off, paralleling the New Jersey Turnpike. I-95 could have easily used 295 and the Pike to bypass Philadelphia, where once again, historical significance determined the number of the route: 76, for (obviously) 1776. The other Interstate 76 got its number from 1876, when Colorado became a state. Both were numbered 80S (for SOUTH) originally.

Let me get back on track. I-95 does NOT enter NJ the easy way. It enters...

Philadelphia

...where the missing connection between I-95 and the Pennsylvania Turnpike was completed on September 22, 2018, exactly a year after the Lego Ninjago Movie was finished, explaining the presence of Technicolor ninjas fighting completely unninjalike (i.e. blatantly visibly, even if you discount the Technicolor tights, in giant fucking mechas) against a four-armed ni🅱️🅱️🅰️ with four penises arms who uses sharks as weapons. If you are not accidentally killed by the Green Ninja's badass dragon mech's "head missile, other head missile, backup head missile, metacarpal missile, butt torpedoes, etc", then you can take the PA Pike to merge onto the...

New Jersey Turnpike

...which has its own article. Hey, that saves me some writing. Oh, and by the way, Jackie Chan coordinated the stunts for the aforementioned Ninjago Movie and voiced the ninja's sensei who lives in a flying pirate ship. Not making this up.

New Yoyk

Osama Bin Laden destroyed The World Trade Center to make room for the highway. Exit list:

• 0.00=border, hanging gap
• 3.14=Interstate 995
• 10.347=At grade intersection with Ash Ketchum Lane and Pikachu Blvd, becomes Sesame Street
• 12.345=Sinkhole
• 12.997=Where the Sesame Street TV show takes place.
• 12.999=Interstate 0, resumes being freeway
• 14.672=border

Connecticut

Nice view. Third time I wanted to add a picture to this article, and it happened to be conveniently transferred here. Hey, this article may last longer than my last version did. (It was deleted March 25th earlier this year)

The majority of the route is known as the Connecticut Turnpike, which was first built as the I-95 alignment in 1806. Despite the name "Turnpike," it has not had tolls in a while after some genius noticed the pike's toll tokens were the same dimensions as the NY Subway tokens, but cheaper and NY and Connecticut almost started World War 3 over it. However, they did name the road for a war: the Jewish War Veterans Memorial Highway. Some people argue that the toll booth removal was due to a truck crashing into a line of cars waiting to pay the tolls at a toll booth due to failed brakes. World War 3.14 may erupt over whether the NY-Conn war or the truck wreck was responsible for the removal of the tolls. Actually, it was because nobody cares. See where I'm getting?

Rhode Island

The route is mostly known for cutting Rhode Island and its capital Providence apart, tearing the western neighborhoods from downtown. I.M. Pei attempted to fix this problem by eating the route but vomit always wins.

Pikachusetts

As with DC, I-95 was supposed to enter downtown Boston but Paul Revere told Bostonians that Interstate neighborhood demolitions were coming. Due to the built-up (no pun intended) anger of the civilians, any new route within Pikachusetts Hwy 128 (except for Interstate 93) was cancelled.

Given that the Big Dig rerouted I-93 underground, there may be hope for I-95. We will never see it though, as it will be underground. Old abandoned routing is visible partway into the city, providing good cut-and-cover beginnings.

Old New Hampshire

New Hampshire encourages drunk driving by placing a liquor store near exit 2. However, they also discourage drunk driving by making exit 2 the only toll exit on the route in this state. They only put the toll there in order to stop people from getting drunk on purpose to "accidentally" swerve into the nuclear power plant on exit 1.

It is also known as the Blue Light Special Turnpike. The state proposed changing it to "Blue Star Turnpike" but Kmart enthusiasts blocked this renaming despite the negative press covfefe the bankruptcy of Kmart and Sears. Funny thing is, my hometown lost its Sears but not its last of three Kmarts. Kmart for the win!... for now.

Maine

I-95 runs across the Maine Turnpike. Originally, I-95 used a different routing between Falmouth and Gardiner with I-295 (another one) serving as a loop through Portland — NOT Portland, Oregon; that would be I-205. I-495 used the turnpike between those two cities. However, Maine wanted to screw people over by changing the route numbers ironically to avoid screwing people over because I-95 is not 100 fucking percent of the Turnpike but nevertheless screws people over as I-95 is less direct, I-295 is longer, and I-495 moved but does not show itself on signs because it is a closeted gay.

Burger King, Starbucks, Citgo, Hershey's Ice Cream (no relation to the chocolate despite both being founded by guys named Hershey who lived in Lancaster, Pennsylvania who both moved to the Harrisburg area 🙄), and/or brothels can be found at every service area along the route. One has Hershey's, two have Starbucks, and all three have BK and Citgo. I was lying about the brothels.

Near Houlton, I-95 crosses into Canada.

New Brunswick

The route then continues towards Woodstock, where it merges into the Trans-Canada Highway. It identifies as a lowway.

New Brunswick primarily uses New Brunswick-shaped shields, creating a gap in Interstate-signed Interstate corridor. Technically, it is now interprovincial this far north.

The route splits off the TCH in St. Lennerd, then follows NB 17 towards Kedgwick. It passes by Tracy Depot, which I only know from Google Maps.

Quebec

Since Quebec has its own Interstates, I-95 once again has interstate signage. Junctioning with Quebec's Interstate 20, I-95 crosses the Saint Lawrence River, heading towards a mysterious circle-shaped island surrounded by a ring-shaped lake. A suspected alien colony may be the reason for the mathematical anomalies.

Newfoundland and Laborador and Greenland and a bunch of frickin' frigid frozen fuckin' water

The route heads northeast through here to Iceland. Nothing else can be said here because REALLY nobody cares at all. There is absolutely (or really close to) nothing here.

Iceland

Wait, how did we get here? Anyway, I-95 has its northern terminus at Iceland Route 1 in Reyk... screw that, I'm just gonna say "the capital of Iceland" 'cause I don't wanna guess the spelling. As with Australia's Highway 1, Iceland's is a beltway.

Plans on extending the route through the United Kingdom, France, Spain, and Morocco exist on the basis that the Appalachian Mountains continue over there.

Please huff.