Raistlin Majere

Raistlin Majere (326-357? AC) happened to be a world-famous mage who wanted to become a god but developed a conscience, thus screwing himself over. He originally appeared in DragonLance.

This is Raistlin at the pinnacle of his power

Early Years

Raistlin was born in a bucolic little town called Solace in a world nobody ever heard of or cared to hear of anyway. He had two twin brothers named Caramon (who somehow suffered a mystical lobotomy midway through delivery) and Tim Horton (who seemed to disappear around age 3). Thus, Raistlin was forced to cope with an idiot for the majority of his life. Considered "a nerd and wimp" by many of the other children, he spent the time picking flowers and cursing at the world, which he thought hated him. Meanwhile his (allegedly) older sister Kitiara practiced being a swordswoman and a slut-in-training, thus humiliating most of the people in town, who eventually kicked her out.

But before Kitiara left, an jackass archmage rode into town. According to sources, his name was Antimodes, however, due to the eighth law of idiocy (see US Constitution), nobody could have a name that actually described everything that goes wrong with Macintosh computers. But when Antimodes was sitting in the inn, eating thirteen different types of beans, Kitiara came over and started stripping on the tables nearby, much to the irritation of a nearby dwarf who couldn't see over the top of the table. Impressed, Antimodes tried to take down Kitiara's name and number, but instead she gave the archmage the bratty and caustic Raistlin. Antimodes, disappointed, decided to send Raistlin to a school of magic just to get rid of him.

This mysterious 'school of magic' (not to be confused with Neverland Ranch), was a place that promoted homosexuality, picking flowers, and throwing ink bottles at little boys after force-feeding them cabbage soup. Not surprisingly, Raistlin thrived in this environment, much to the fury of the world, who hated him. His classmates reportedly contained Merlin, Harry Potter, Orlando Bloom, and Dr. Dre, but Raistlin wasn't social with any of them (despite Bloom's numerous entreaties).

It was during this time that Raistlin encountered the Three Gods of Magic: Shiny, Luny, and Nick. In exchange for a bit of power, Raistlin swore his soul to the gods, who laughed uproariously and gave him a big rock so he could brain his brother, rendering him temporarily insensate and actually a bit smarter.

Youth

Eventually, Raistlin reached puberty. At this period his dad was hit by a falling tree and killed, causing Raistlin's mother to go into shock. Considering how his father was a woodcutter who liked standing underneath trees for the shade, Raistlin wasn't especially surprised.

However, his mother's death of starvation drove him to temporary insanity, where he tried to dig a big hole in the ground while he thought he was flying. Later witnesses admit that Raistlin was also screwed up on crack at the time, and that he was not thinking at all rationally.

But, just as Caramon was standing in the rain, wondering what to do, Kitiara showed up again, now a professional sword-swinger and porn star. After dragging Raistlin back in the house, she stripped off his clothes and proceeded to put him through rehab stark naked while she watched and laughed. Video tapes recorded by Caramon at Kitiara request resurfaced during the Watergate Scandal (one of the contributing factors to Nixon's resignation), but were promptly lost again and haven't been seen since.

Unfortunately for the rest of the world, Raistlin recovered and discovered his sanity (it was hiding in the rabbit cage). Unfortunately, Raistlin had also lost his homosexual urges and now couldn't focus on his magic because there were just too many whores in his town (which was affectionally named Solace). He eventually fell for one, but then she dumped him and made out with Caramon while Raistlin spied on them from behind the shed door. The scenes made Raistlin throw up in the local water barrel (causing the Solace Well Disaster of 342 AC).

This is a shot of him portrayed against one of his larger fireballs (he used it to nuke a group of lawyers who wanted him to eat cottage cheese)

However, Raistlin did find a few new friends (much to his disgruntlement). First was a bastard half-elf named Tanis, who happened to be smitten with Kitiara at the time. Those particular tapes were found by Spongebob Squarepants, but were unfortunately destroyed. Another was the elderly and pedophelic dwarf Flint Fireforge, who was often known to spend alarmingly large amounts of time with people far younger then him. Last (and definitely least), was everyone's favorite imbecile, Tasslehoff Burrfoot. Relations between David Hasselhoff and Tasslehoff had been confirmed by tracing lineage through Gregor Asswiper, who was subsequently murdered by Chuck Norris while he was bored. Tasslehoff was also a master thief and con artist, and thus was immediately hired by the Republicans, but was fired when he stole George Bush Senior's underwear during his inauguration speech.

Raistlin had a troublesome relationship with the little thief, as Tas kept walking off with the young wizard's spell components. Raistlin retaliated by finding the legendary 'fire flower,' stealing it from Mario and lighting Tas on fire, which provided short-term amusement and a handy light source for summer nights, which Kitiara and Tanis were infinitely grateful for.

Raistlin's childhood wasn't entirely filled with smoke and ale, however. When traveling to the nearby town of Haven, he pissed off the local theocracy who believed in the Snake Gods. Samuel L. Jackson decided he didn't like Raistlin, so he decided to roast him at a stake. Unfortunately, Jackson was clubbed over the head by Caramon while he wasn't looking and Raistlin managed to escape again (he did manage to toss Tasslehoff into the fire, though). Samuel L. Jackson then decided to take his love of snakes on a plane.

"The Test"

Somehow sometime later, Raistlin was required by the local Conclave of wizards (widely known as Wizards of the Coast) to take "the Test." Whether this test was for magic, fertility, or history is unclear as of tomorrow, but Raistlin was so thrilled, he didn't tell anyone about it. Tasslehoff spent the next week trying to figure out why Raistlin was acting so buoyant (as the thief had already stolen all of Raistlin's pot), so Raistlin tossed him down an oil well in Texas as well as the fire flower. The resulting explosion created seismic waves and caused the Hurricane Katrina Disaster.

This was the photograph that Raistlin personally commissioned to be sent in to Playboy. When the magazine rejected it, Raistlin went into a deep depression that was only relieved when he cast a circle of death on Denver

So Raistlin had to go to 'the Tower of High Sorcery'. Somehow, Raistlin screwed up by holding the map upside down and ended up at Isengard, where he met Saruman. Raistlin then proceeded to beat the living shit out of the wizard, before getting knocked out by a falling basketball that Wormtongue mistook for a palantir. Saruman saw that Raistlin was dumped back in Detroit where he was supposed to be, where he robbed of everything he owned.

When he woke up, he went inside and met up with a seriously old guy (insert name of old person here, likely Stalin). In exchange for help in 'the Test,' Raistlin gave the old guy part of his fingernails after he infused them with his life-force. The old guy got hacked off at Raistlin and summoned a gang of dark elves to kill him in a painful fashion, but Raistlin fooled them all again by calling on God, who was not watching at the time and gave the aspiring wizard holy fire. Unfortunately, he misfired, launched two planes instead, and turned Raistlin's skin gold and his eyes gold. After the Test, that old batty wizard in white, presumably named Kook, gave him his pupils in the shape of hourglasses. Raistlin's hair, now white, will later become a fashion enigma.

Years of the Enigma (find out somewhere else what it is)

Then, for five years, Raistlin vanished, travelling across the world, spreading fires and h-bombs across the world. His numerous pranks and jokes were numerous and diverse in nature, including the Mount St. Helens Eruption, the creation of pineapples, and the death of John Lennon (at least he claimed he did that). Using monumental earth spells he stole from the Saudi Arabians, he also built a giant wall along the Mexico/America border. This caused him to be chased by a bunch of angry immigrants all the way back to California, where Raistlin founded a pot grow-up, became its own best customer, and then had to be sent back to rehab.

The Oscar Wilde Encounter

Somewhere around that time, Raistlin met an awe-inspiring figure named Oscar Wilde. This fellow, in one of his capricious moods, gave Raistlin his sexuality back, but then Raistlin made an jackass remark and had to be sent back home. To this day, Raistlin hates Oscar Wilde, though he is wildly jealous of him.

"The War of the Lance and Raistlin (warning: most of these facts are completely lies)

Sometime later, Raistlin met up with his old friends, as well as a pair of broke Natives who had a shiny blue stick. Raistlin, who also had a stick (though his was brown and glowed in the dark on command), decided to steal it. Instead, he got high, spilt beer all over himself, and had to be healed by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Later, Raistlin got himself poisoned by reptile-men in some swamp (see Mississippi), got high again, and met up with a dragon snorting acid. Raistlin became wildly jealous again and vowed to transform himself into a dragon just so he could do this impossible thing.

It was sometime during this point that the elves considered Raistlin a traitor and accused him of passing information to the bad people. In reality, the truth was far, far worse. Raistlin was really passing information to the Bush Administration. George Bush placed great importance on Raistlin's messages, but he also mistranslated the message "all is under control" to "blow Iraq to oblivion and steal their oil." When the aspiring wizard found out, he was so ticked off he shot Franz Ferdinand. One time, Raistlin got caught picking pot and other drug plants, but when unable to bribe his friends with booze and porn, he tried for the sympathy vote with his cough. Contrary to popular belief, Raistlin was not trying to mimic General Grievous, but trying to vomit out his intestines at a high rate of velocity and acceleration (Newton proved this to be a real possibility with coughing in his law of mouth exhalations in 2103).

Later, Raistlin went to Antarctica, where he found a seaport without a sea (see Regina). This didn't surprise him, as the penguins were planning some reconstruction. But then a bunch of fire-breathing dragons attacked, led by the lord fire-breather and fire-starter of them all, Darth Vader. Raistlin immediately felt a kinship with the despot, but Caramon fell ontop of Raistlin as the building fell down. This pissed off Raistlin some more, but before he could cast a fireball, he was captured by flying pigs and dragged off to some forest somewhere (the location now was somewhere in Utah).

The forest was perverted by God's nightmares, but Raistlin loved it. He planned to build an estate there, but then a group of environmentalists, led by Homer Simpson, prevented the bulldozers from coming in. Increasingly believing the world was out to get him, Raistlin stole a big glass ball that contained the spirits of Elvis, Lenin, Bill Gates, and St. Peter, to round out the list of evil, psychotic lords.

Later, Raistlin decided to go boating somewhere, but the pleasure yacht was ambushed by Kitiara, who had now came to be the Dragon Highlord of some unrecognized territory in Iowa. Raistlin wasn't amused, and instead turned himself to light and went into a library. There, he was kicked out for sniffing cocaine and vomiting blood onto the shelves.

A few days later, he met Stalin, whose ghost was wandering a cemetery somewhere. Raistlin, blaming Stalin for absolutely everything wrong with the world, blew the old fart to smithereens and thus turned evil.

A few months later, during that point where Raistlin got his addictions under control and mastered the power of teleporting to the nearest banana, he met up with his brother, who was chasing some imbecile with a green rock (possibly emerald) in his pectoral muscle. Considering as Raistlin was evil at the time, he left Caramon to deal with the imbecile, driving him into alcoholism.

A Search for Home (insert sentimental noise here)

So then Raistlin decided he needed a new home. Armed with powerful teleportation magic and Dr. Pepper, he headed northwest, only to encounter snow. As the season was January, this infuriated Raistlin, who proceeded to cast Meteor Swarm and level the nearby area, causing the extinction of the dinosaurs.

But eventually Raistlin ran out of fire spells and began contemplating on the fact that although he had gotten high many times, he had never gotten laid. He also forgot to pack food for the trip, so he stopped at a local McDonalds, where he got food poisoning, drink poisoning, air poisoning, poisoning poisoning, and ticked off because the waitress gave him the wrong change.

While he was cleaning the blood off his robes, he met up with another senile old man named Fizban. Fizban was a pyromaniac and also had Alzheimer's. The old wizard also had a hat, which Raistlin had never truly had. Unfortunally, Fizban turned out to be God in human form, and when Raistlin tried to steal the hat, it vanished, Fizban spilled ginger ale all over himself, and forgot his own name for the third straight time in ten minutes. After Raistlin got high again, he teleported randomly, only to end up in a dank, filthy, undead-infested forest (this later turned out to be Central Park). Inside the forest was a huge tower, which Raistlin immediately claimed as his bachelor-pad.

And....as was quite plain by the surrounding polotics and fairies....or was that fairs and politics?....the tower in the forest was actually smack dab right in the middle of the largest city in all of Krynn. Thankfully Raistlin had at least two hundred thousand tons of gold(+300 more in other forms of preciuos metals) with which to transform into coupons, which he could immediatly double at all the neighborhood stores. Having thusly beaten the mock starket, Raistlin elected every tree in the general vicinity president and began his reign throughout all time there and then. Little is Actually known of his actions at this point but it is quite sure to be vague and slightly stupid.

Having Establishment at his disposal and a brand new membership to the Handy Man club, Raistlin recruited. This was His first, last and most numerous mistake, since doing nothing for 25 millenium counted as only slighty less than nothing. Time travel here, became Raistlin's obsession. And! with his new pool of RAD-ASS-ANSWERS he now knew everything that nobody(ever) wanted to know.

Personnel(e not a)note----Before attempting to take over the Abyss(from Takhisis), Raistlin did in fact search out and find the people he needed to win that fight. Having taken a course in the Solamnic school of Fine Knighthood for impersonation on a barely legal level, Raist(heretoforereferredtoasRaistwithoutthelien) attacked.

First he gave that ugly slut with the sword a violent hernia. Incest aside, Raist smiled for the first time and took a few pictures(Which he forwarded to Hef[only to have them returned since Hef already had that shoot]). Then, having decided he could sell the stockpile of weapons grade plutonium (he had intended to sculpt a statue of himself with) at a profit, since the coupon for 50% off he'd had for the UN proved invalid once it doubled into a fragment with more lasting quality and sanctity then language here or there had ever, been able, to accumulate; and make good return on the cost of his now useless 3D camera and volatility matrix(that's a machine used to build things):(excepting of course the lack of good decor) with a now full regiment of one other interesting character, he and Kith'Kanaan invaded, turned to stone and disintegrated Takhisis from over 15 Astral and Ethereal planes away(of course, there were a few interlopers but Raist was able to trick their taxi drivers into believing it was all a big mistake concerning an unwritten run-on sentence that was actually, and with good taste, grammatically correct(mostly).

This Second Tactic was however left undone and was almost immediatly unraveled by his so-called companions of the lance. Someone forgot to pay the taxes to the treelike conservatives that were in charge of gameplay. And, due to a clerical error(someone[we know not whom] admitted to not paying the taxi fare), Raist remained stuck with his dragon orb for the rest of his life. This saddened even Kith, who, after telling the UN that the coupon was actually valid and they just needed to pay 50% of the cost themselves, had 900 children by an aryan whore and sent them each to Raist for instruction in the art of combat.

--The Following is a Blatant Rip-off--

As much as we might appreciate the value of detecting predators that approach from behind--or of keeping an eye on the offspring who follow us--it is important to remember that selection is not directed toward the development or formation of anything, let alone "perfect" organs. In other words, just because some feature seems like the policy of the FDA or a good idea; random mutation, and selection will not nec. fashion it.

The Plot Semi-Evil Like

At the top of all the plotting was killing Oscar Wilde, tuna, nuking Toronto, and becoming God. Raistlin decided on the last course, considering the first was impossible, the second was irrelevant, and the third was too easy.

Consulting a book written by Stalin (this theory has come under controversy, considering as scholars have heatedly argued whether Stalin was capable of writing a book), Raistlin decided upon a tricky plan. It involved screwing reality, getting laid and high at the same time, understanding string theory, and gnomes (common, not garden).

The first step of his plan involved finding someone to get laid with. So he went to Las Vegas, but he was angry because everyone laughed at his hair. Swearing revenge, Raistlin cast another Meteor Swarm spell and blew up a casino. Unfortunately, the guards caught him and brought him to the Mad Baron {not to be confused with Baron Harkonnen, who was coincidently in Vegas at the time, but was eating roasted duck with Darth Vader at the time of the attack). The Mad Baron said that Raistlin could live as long as he served him. Raistlin retaliated by casting four point-blank fireballs at the Mad Baron, thus proving Einstein's theory that warping space was not impossible; it just required the proper amount of explosives.

Unfortunately, Raistlin blew himself clear into Australia with his own fireballs, proving Oscar Wilde's theory that "idiots really can fly faster than smarter people, but they don't land as well either."

Somehow, he met the really old guy again in a dank underground cavern beneath Sydney (later confirmed to be Tokyo). Raistlin, tired and seriously ticked off again, whacked the old guy with his brown stick in the groin. The old guy, not amused, cast a quick spell to make Raistlin burp uncontrollably. This infuriated Raistlin even more, especially considering the old guy had a hat and Raistlin still didn't. Yelling "screw the world and pizza forever!", he cast the legendary spell asluthrengoaldraketisbastredomaceimxpoliticoasssuckerskalijalaran (no meaning has been yet been discovered for this spell or proper spelling). The old guy shrugged and cast a counterspell. Raistlin, despondant, gave up and spat on the floor, which somehow caused the old guy to evaporate.

Relieved that the old guy was finally gone, Raistlin climbed out of the cave and promptly slipped on a pile of slime. Cursing, he looked up and saw a beautiful girl in white robes. He immediately fell deeply in love, until he realized he was incapable of love and that the girl was brandishing a holy symbol and a giant sledgehammer at him. Her name was Crysania of Tarinius, and she was a city girl from London, Ontario. She had become a follower of God and his holy order of smiting (considering Raistlin was smitten, she had done a rather fine job). She also had the reputation for being a "marble maiden", which Galileo later disproved in 2034 by disposing of the vernacular, replacing it the verbacular, and ordering onion rings instead of fries with that.

The Plot Continues! (after the intermission)

Anyway, Crysania had heard about Raistlin from his long-lost, brain-removed brother Caramon and the idiotic thief Tasslehoff Burrfoot. She was determined to reclaim his soul (note that as Raistlin's soul had departed his body sometime between the beginning of time and last Tuesday, that might have proven difficult). Instead, Raistlin, using his 'sympathy act', pleaded for mercy and begged for a favour. Crysania considered for a few seconds, then smashed her hammer into Raistlin's chin and sent him flying all the way back to his grow-op in California, which had been taken over by Mel Gibson and Chewbacca. Now convinced the world was out to get him, Raistlin blew Chewbacca to Alpha Centauri and turned Gibson into the "horror of horrors": the evil death-badger! This foulest of foul creatures had a glare of destruction, the breath of evil, and craved Oreos dipped in strawberry ice cream (which villain wouldn't?). Raistlin sent this creature to attack Crysania and booted him off the roof of Hollywood. Considering this was both a temporal, physical, mental, and pineapple impossibility, God intervened, throwing Raistlin and Crysania back three hundred years in time.

At this time period, time could be altered, but this screwed with reality and nothing much happnened anyway. Raistlin, covered from head to toe in orange peels (he fell in the Miami dumpster), vowed to find Crysania and force her to do his bidding, but do it in the nicest way possible. Crysania, on the other hand, wound up in a Gothic bar in Chicago, which was in New Hampshire at the time. Immediately spotted for wearing white, she was surrounded and was going to be brainwashed, except for the intervention of Oscar Wilde, who decided that he hated Goths and caused their pancreases to implode. Crysania managed to escape, but she also grabbed a large heavy book that had been written by Paris Hilton on the manner of intelligence.

As Crysania was bumbling around from state to state, Raistlin had meanwhile met another evil mastermind: Barney the Purple Dinosaur. This sinister creature also in the pay of Mario gave Raistlin a key to a portal which led to God's realm (which may or may not be heaven or Hawaii or Humbertoville, Germany). This, Barney hissed, would allow Raistlin to take over as God for a little while (emphasis on little). Raistlin, bored out of his mind anyway, nuked Barney with a fireball and continued north, hell-bent on the mission to find the portal, Crysania, and a dealer that dealt in pyroclasmic weed.

Finally, after many twists, turns, and erratic explosions, Raistlin met up again with Crysania, but she had changed much. She had delved deep into the Hilton Tome - too deep. The book, planted by Harrison Ford and Jean Chretien, was designed to pervert a honest and just soul to the service of total evil. Crysania had now become the new, semi-divine Queen of Darkness.

Raistlin, like always, was immediately awed and reverent of Crysania for her new powers, but somewhere, deep in his soul, he felt a deep feeling of resentment (or maybe it was the waffles he ate three hundred years in the future, one isn't certain). Why wasn't he the one who got all the cool power? Hell, he didn't even get a hat! Raistlin's fury boiled over like kicking a bottle of nitro-glycerin. In rage, he cast every single explosive spell he knew, boiling away oceans and thus creating Africa. But in the heat of his rage (literally), the understanding of string theory appeared to him. Smirking widely, he cast a new spell, a transference spell that shifted all of Crysania's new dark powers to him.

The results were horrifying.

Divine Ascension (sort of)

Fortunately for causality, God and Oscar Wilde (which may or may not be the same person at the same time) were playing poker and drinking beer at the time of this disaster. However, God got drunk and knocked his bottle across interplanetary space. Somehow alcohol got involved in the whole power transformation thing, which resulted in the creation of malts, whisky, elephants, Ralph Klein, and uranium.

When all of the dust, smoke, and metal cleared, Raistlin stood, trapped in Crysania's newly evil body, while Crysania was trapped in Raistlin's stick. The stick, which also had a soul (it was magic after all), took over Raistlin's old body.

Using his new dark powers, Raistlin sent his old body into temporal stasis, and then set out to figuring out how to take over the world. Using feminine charms, masculine wits, and asexual slugs, he seized control of the United States, Canada, and France and fused ten million people into the first Fleshy Thing (as of which nobody may speak of, for if they do, time-space will implode upon them and teleport their voice-boxes to the south of Spain).

God, however, was ready for anything, but he was hungover at the time and let Oscar Wilde and Yoda take over. The infinite power from these two sources contained Raistlin's new body, and feebleminded his mind, thus transforming him into Paris Hilton in bondage wear with powers to control all evil.

However, God finally recovered from his hangover and was displeased that everything was making Apocalypse come early. He decided to rewrite time (again), and send Raistlin back to his regular time in his real body, and fix everything.

The resulting temporal catastrophe is the reason why all doughnuts have holes in them.

What Happened Next

In the heat of passion, all things are likely (especially when there are two powerhungry, confused, exceptionally high maniacs involved)

Finally, Raistlin and Crysania (and Raistlin's stick) returned to the present time, all with complete memories of what happened and in their own bodies. Crysania broke into a sobbing fit, tearing her robes in sorrow, while Raistlin contemplated potatoes in an abstract fashion. Then, he thought he could relieve Crysania's pain in a unique way. After smoking up, he then made love to her for six weeks straight. At this point, Raistlin's stick got lonely and pissed off, so it teleported all of them into another part of the Universe.

Raistlin is now trying to find a way back to the real world with Crysania and his stick. Woe to anybody and your mom if he ever does truly return.

The Busted Prophecy

According to a mystical statement made by Jackie Chan while stoned, Raistlin's return is imminent, if not sooner. The statement, unfortunately, was lost in the flood that would have happened next Thursday.

The general gist of the plot was that Raisltin would find a mystical portal that would allow him to find his way back to what's left of reality. He would return to Earth and commit ultimate destruction on anything he could find, plus more. Armed with his stick, he would seize control of the world from Oprah and then hold ultimate power for a little while, before accidentally consuming air, going insane, and being sent to Heaven by God (which is rather confusing, considering the fact that bad people normally go to Heaven, not obvious saints like Raistlin). Furthermore, Raistlin would also exact justice upon the parts of the Earth which require his attention.

Rest assured that this horrid event will not happen later, if not sooner. God should be sure to inform us if Raistlin would return to tell us (see Divine Wrath for more information).

Despite all of my best efforts to obfuscate the truth about me, Raistlin Majere, I am extremely shocked to endorse the veracity of this quite truthful article.

I was led to believe that you were all of the approximate intellect of a highly concussed Scarlett Ingrid Johansson, the discovery of this page forces me to augment my perception of you dweebs to countless lightyears beyond Albert Einstein and dare I say it, even Owen Benjamin Smith.

I trust all you nerds can do all the linking, fact checking, extreme vetting and whatnot beyond 5e. Keep up the good work in parody and satire, and remember it's goddamn "Shirak" not "Chiroq".

For the Apprentice, see

• Dalamar