Hate speech

Hatespeech

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

~ Mark Twain

“I believe President Barack Obama is a racist.”

~ Glenn Beck

“Well, I know about YOUR PEOPLE, Mr. speaker of the NAACP.”

~ Ross Perot at a 1992 presidential election campaign rally

Hatespeech, together with Witchcraft and Communism, constitutes the third bogeyman of American history. It is frequently a rhetorical device used either by hypersensitive know-nothings or demagogues who wish to shift attention from their own shortcomings and instead focus on the usually non-existent (choose one: xenophobia, homophobia, racism, sexism, prejudice, bigotry, insensitivity, elitism, patriotism and chauvinism) of their opponents.

Characteristics of hatespeech

Hatespeech is usually spoken in jest or obvious facetiousness. Hatespeech was invented by Adolf Hitler, and anyone accused of hatespeech is presumed a Nazi until proven, by presumption of Nazism, to be a Nazi.

Hatespeakers and hatehearers

In order for hatespeech to exist, there must be a source and an audience (respectively, a hatespeaker and a hatehearer). The relationship between these two parties is extremely important to a correct interpretation of hatespeech.

In order to qualify as a hatespeaker (in the modern sense of the word), one must be free of prejudice against any and all people groups. In addition, one must have a sense of humor, and believe that humor ought to transcend political and social boundaries in order to undermine the foundations of human ignorance and folly. One must recognize that humor cannot be judged by societal norms; that the only prerequisite of humor is incongruity; that humor is neither good nor evil, but simply humor; that an offensive or hateful statement/word/concept, if intended literally, is bad; that the same offensive or hateful statement/word/concept ought to be recognized as harmless and benign if intended in a humorous way.

In order to qualify as a hatehearer (and by extension, a unilateral judge of hatespeech), one must have no sense of humor; recognize that hatespeakers speak in jest; be offended anyway. To be a great hatehearer, one should have a social agenda; paint oneself as a victim or concerned citizen; denounce The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Blazing Saddles, Jersey Shore and Reno 9-1-1 as hatespeech; and most of all be a feminist obese lesbian.

History of hatespeech

Hatespeech was born in the early 1990s through a strange civil union of Left and Right in America. Tipper Gore and Lynne Cheney, in an attempt to outlaw the Right to Free Speech of dissenters, began advocating government censorship of anything they found offensive. They had common ground at first, but each planned to stab the other in the back as soon as they could outlaw the other's political ideology. In this patriotic way, hatespeech was born.

Hatespeech was defined as anything that was funny, and the crackdown began right away. Among the first things to go were blonde jokes and jokes about gender, sexually-oriented, or ethnic groups, except white heterosexual males. And money-loving Jews, because they had already survived a systematic attempt to exterminate their race, and if they couldn't take a joke, then they could go home and count their money and feel better. Finally, the nation's vast opera repertoire was reduced to just three Maoist sing-alongs.

The only legal jokes that could be made consisted of "A non-prejudiced white heterosexual male walked into a bar and got arrested because he made a facetious comment. What a narrow-minded oppressing asshole! I hate white heterosexual males. And Jews." And then everyone laughed and longed for the day that society would be color-blind and gender-blind. Except there was this one white heterosexual male who was tired of being dumped on, and had already laughed at fifteen such jokes that day, and he didn't laugh. But he lost his job, got sued, was arrested by the thought police, and took sensitivity training. Now he's a fully-recovered, fully-functioning, fully-feeling metrosexual.

Examples of unacceptable hatespeech

Anything satirical, implicitly or expressly humorous in nature (see ethnic jokes), or funny that involves thoughtcriminal imagery or elements of thoughtcrime. (See above paragraph.)

Examples of acceptable hatespeech

Any truly hateful speech, intended to incite prejudice or violence against one person or one group of people, is acceptable. In fact, it is mandated by the First Amendment, and it is a necessary evil, and it is the price we pay for the free exchange of ideas.

The problematic nature of hatespeech

If you hate speech so much, why are you, you know, talking and stuff. Sorry. I'll get my coat.

How to make up for your comment

Try to prevent yourself from a lawsuit (more polite than a smack on the face) by saying the Some of my best friends are... excuse. But the success rate of that is less than fifty percent (even lower for white males) and the chances of creating more trouble is inexcusable.

See also

• Haters
• Posers
• Mugabe
• Martin Luther King Jr.
• Michael Richards
• Mel Gibson