Flavio
Flavio is the main protagonist of Paper Mario: Thousands of Doors.
Character and Appearance[edit | edit source]
Flavio is a wide, unpleasant yellow person. He has been the cause of depression across countless generations of people unfortunate enough to glimpse his pitiful likeness.
Character[edit | edit source]
There is a reason Flavio has caused depression across countless generations of people unfortunate enough to glimpse his pitiful likeness. This is because he is an asshole. Imagine your boss when you are late to work. Now imagine a person who is like that all the time. Now also imagine that person had a child with a Karen. Pretend that child was bullied throughout his childhood, and then grew up to be an alcoholic. And that he is always on fire. That is what Flavio is like. Even people who are not unfortunate enough to glimpse his pitiful likeness have been affected by him. Have you ever had a nightmare? That is an apparition of Flavio. It means he is getting closer. Run.
Appearance[edit | edit source]
Flavio is a wide, unpleasant yellow person. Despite what one might think if one were to somehow to force oneself to stare at his pitiful likeness for more than three seconds without being overcome with nausea and unspeakable curses, he does not actually have hair. That's what he wants you to think. You fell for it, too. Good job, idiot. What one might think is hair is actually tufts of fur from the many furries he slaughtered during the furry genocide, which he wears as a war trophy and to warn others no to mess with him. Not that anyone would want to mess with him. No one would want to mess with him. No one wants to deal with nausea and unspeakable curses.
Flavio wears a stupid red coat and a dumb red hat with an ugly red feather. Oh wait, that's a ugly white feather. My bad.
Other than that he is completely naked.
Prologue[edit | edit source]
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. Now the earth was formless and void. Then God said, "Let there be Flavio," and it was so. God immediately realized he had made a tremendous mistake, but "ctrl+z" had not been created yet, so what was He supposed to do?
God left to make a new Heavens and Earth, and Flavio was left with a whole world to himself. Now, the earth was still formless and void, so Flavio decided to fill the world with all manner of good things. Unfortunately, lacking divine wisdom and foreknowledge, Flavio completely failed to fill the world with all manner of good things. Imagine a really awful Monday at the office. Now take that Monday and shove it a dumpster. Douse the dumpster in gasoline and light it on fire. Then throw it off a cliff. Drown the remains in the blood of goats. That is what the world looked like after Flavio was through with it.
Flavio was happy, and all was right with the world. Except for the many things that were wrong with it.
Flavio Company Corporation[edit | edit source]
Flavio, being the wide, unpleasant yellow person he is, decided he wanted money. As money hadn't been invented yet, he made it his first priority to invent money. He decided to use gold as money, because that's what everyone was using in other worlds. YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW HE KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING IN OTHER WORLDS NOW, DON'T YOU? TOO BAD! THAT'S HIS SECRET YOU NOSY LITTLE NOODLE!
After inventing money, Flavio needed a way to accumulate money. Flavio decided to start a business, because that's what everyone was doing in other worlds. NO, I WON'T TELL YOU HOW HE KNEW! Flavio called his business Flavio Company Corporation. Flavio didn't know what it meant either, but it sounded official, so he went with it. Flavio Company Corporation did official things, such as stacking boxes, processing mail, and sending heroes to fight demonic skeleton warlords. It ended up being immensely successful, and Flavio accumulated a lot of gold. Like, a LOT. Imagine a dump truck filled with gold. Now imagine that there are one hundred more dump trucks, which are also filled with gold. The dump trucks are also made of gold. So is the ground. And the sky. And you. Everything is gold. That is how much gold Flavio accumulated.
Flavio's Adventure[edit | edit source]
One day, Flavio's gold was stolen. Flavio knew a villain must have stolen it, because that's what villains were doing in other worlds. DON'T YOU DARE ASK! Flavio knew that, in order to stop this vile villain from taking over the world, he would need to be stopped. And to stop him, he would need a buddy to accompany his on his adventure, because villains in other worlds were always defeated by the power of friendship. NO! STOP ASKING!
Flavio Finds a Buddy[edit | edit source]
Flavio set out to obtain a buddy. Unfortunately for him, nobody wanted to be his buddy, as no one wanted to force him or herself to stare at his pitiful likeness for more than three seconds. However, after traveling the world for nine days, Flavio met the Invincible Carrot. They met at a fancy restaurant in France. The Invincible Carrot, being invincible, was able to force himself to stare at his pitiful likeness for more than three seconds without being overcome with nausea and unspeakable curses. Thus the Invincible Carrot became Flavio's buddy, and the two of them set out on an adventure together.
Flavio Sets Out[edit | edit source]
Flavio set out in his space ship, the S.S. Stupid, to track down the villain he knew must have stolen his gold, because that's what villains were doing in other worlds. SHUT UP! The Invincible Carrot suggested they check out the nearest planet, Pluto, to see if the villain was hiding out there. So Flavio instead flew straight into the sun. The S.S. Stupid and Flavio blew up in a massive explosion that was, quite frankly, glorious to see. Glorious for everyone except Flavio, that is. The Invincible Carrot did not blow up, as he was invincible.
The Moon Stone[edit | edit source]
Flavio used a totem of undying to prevent himself from dying despite blowing up, and both he and the Invincible Carrot descended into the bowels of the sun. By that I mean the catacombs within the sun, not actual bowels you weirdo. The sun does not have a digestive tract. Inside the bowels of the sun, they found the legendary Moon Stone. To this day nobody knows what the heck the Moon Stone was doing within the bowels of the sun. One would expect the Moon Stone to be within the bowels of the moon. By that I mean the catacombs inside the moon, not actual bowels, you psycho. The moon does not have a digestive tract. But there it was anyway, so Flavio and the Invincible Carrot checked it for clues. The Moon Stone had the following coded message inscribed on it: "On Pluto the Villain resides."
Jamie, Lord of Creation[edit | edit source]
Flavio and the Invincible Carrot were unable to decipher the code, so they decided to ask the most powerful person they knew. This person was Jamie, Lord of Creation. Jamie said he would decipher the code, but only at a price. The price was ice cream. And not just any ice cream. Legendary ice cream. Imagine the best ice cream you have ever eaten. Now imagine that this ice cream has transcended reality and become a being of light. The ice cream has become angelic ice cream. It is the god of all ice cream. That was the ice cream Jamie wanted.
This ice cream did not exist, so Flavio asked if Jamie would accept the Invincible Carrot's soul as a substitute. This is because Flavio was an asshole, remember? Jamie, being Lord of Creation, knew that the legendary ice cream he desired did no exist, so he accepted this substitute. As it turns out, the Invincible Carrot was not invincible after all.
After Jamie consumed the Invincible Carrot's soul, he deciphered the message. The decoded message on the Moon Stone read: "On Pluto the Villain resides." It was a good thing that Flavio got help deciphering this code. Such an unimaginably complex code could never have been deciphered by anyone except Jamie, the Lord of Creation.
Flavio Travels to Pluto[edit | edit source]
Flavio needed a new ship so he could fly to Pluto. Since all his gold had been stolen, he invented credit, because that's what everyone was doing in other worlds. FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT TELL YOU! Flavio purchased a new ship, the S.S. Stupider. He then Flew straight into the sun. The S. S. Stupider and Flavio blew up in a massive explosion that was, quite frankly, glorious to see. Glorious for everyone besides Flavio, of course.
Flavio Fights the Villain[edit | edit source]
Flavio conveniently woke up in a hospital on Pluto. As he sat up, he noticed a dark, brooding figure in the room. The figure was not actually dark. It was black and white, with a red bandana. The figure was not brooding either, but had a look of grim determination on its face. The figure was not even in the room, but was standing just outside the door. The figure was the villain. Flavio could tell it was the villain because there was a health bar floating above its head.
"My name," growled the Panda wielding an sub-automatic machine gun, "is Fat Bastard, and I'm here to finish what I started."
"Wait, you already stole all my gold," Flavio countered, sitting up in his hospital bed. "What can you possibly be here to finish?"
Fat bastard thought for a moment, then shouted angrily, "STOP POKING HOLES IN MY LOGIC!"
Flavio pulled out a hand pistol and shot him seven times in the chest.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
Flavio got all his gold back. He continues to cause depression across countless generations of people unfortunate enough to glimpse his pitiful likeness to this very day. Flavio Company Corporation continues to be immensely successful. Jamie, Lord of All Creation, was overcome with nausea and unspeakable curses after forcing himself to stare at Flavio more than three seconds, but hey, at least he could still look down on short people like David.
Oh yeah, Fat Bastard also died on account of having been shot seven times in the chest.
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