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Today's featured article From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia The Committee to End Pay Toilets in America was a grass-roots political organization which was (apparently) the sole driving force behind the ban of pay toilets in many American cities and states. Founded in 1970 by then-nineteen year old Ira Gessel, the Committee's purpose was to "eliminate pay toilets in the U.S. through legislation and public pressure." “When a man's or woman's natural body functions are restricted because he or she doesn't have a piece of change, there is no true freedom.” ~ Ira Gessel (More...) Did you know... *... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians? ... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings? ... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have? ... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love? ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%? ... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today! In the news Sly Stallone (1946-Present) Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone" (Pictured) Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES! Hit videogame Deltarune about to be released tomorrow!!! New York Knicks throw tantrum, fire head coach for barely missing the NBA Finals Elevation Worship's Chris Brown filling in for mainstream Chris Brown until further notice Taylor Swift buys back her masters "Real" Timothee Chalamet at 2024 look-alike contest actually Finn Wolfhard Qatar personally gifts Trump a plane Austria wins Eurovision MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!! Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big." Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank PBS and NPR to lose funding Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!) Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG and Stranger Things 5 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's breakup • The IRS hunting late tax payers • NBA finals and Stanley Cup • Aaron Rodgers finally signing with a team Recent deaths: George Wendt • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1 • Rick Derringer • Carolina Hurricanes' choke job in the playoffs • New York Knicks' surprisingly kickass season and coach's tenure • Fear Street: Prom Queen • John Redcorn • Brian Grazer's career and livelihood, and anyone's respect for him • Sly Stallone Stone • Brian Wilson Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • New York Knicks' future success • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? On this day... June 13: Double Entendre Day ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) 1076 - Some "king" has "won" a "battle", if you get it 1893 - Grover Cleveland "tries" to "remove" a "massive cancerous growth" in his mouth, if you wink what I'm nudging. 1927 - Charles Lindbergh "mourns" the loss of his "dead son" after his young child's body was "discovered", if you get my drift. 1971 - The New York Times "publishes" the Pentagon Papers, if you know what I mean. 1977 - The man who "assassinated" Martin Luther King Jr. attempts to "escape" from "prison", if you see what I'm saying. 2012 - A "series" "of" bombings kills "over" ninety (90) people in Iraq, if you catch my comprehension. 2009 - The last "veteran" of World War I "dies", if you metastasize my methodology. 2015 - A crazed "gunman" murders "twelve" policemen in Wichita, Kansas, if you're queefin' what i'm seepin'. Colonization of the Week For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.