Sadiq Khan
Sir Sadiq Khan | |
|---|---|
 | |
| 3rd Imam of London | |
| Assumed office 9 May 2016 | |
| Preceded by | Boris Johnson |
| Succeeded by | Count Binface |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Political party | The Red Ones |
| Spouse | Donald Trump |
Saar Sadiq Aman Khan (born 8 October 1970) is a New Labour politician who, in 2016, begun serving as the 3rd Mayor of London and the first Mayor of London at that to be vouchsafed with the ability to pronounce "halal" with the utmost of accuracy. His precursor, Boris Johnson, was to thank for Khan's ascent to power when Johnson relinquished his mayoralty in pursuit of such greener pastures as pleading guilty before the late Elizabeth II of having frequently partook in oral sex with some STI-positive MPs of his whilst simultaneously forcing the British population to install forty shiny new bolts on every door in their home to defend themselves from the dreaded 'rona.
The year 2025 saw King Charles III bestow unto Khan the prestigious rank of 'Knight Bachelor' despite the latter's helping further give the green light to gun and knife crimes in the British capital, thereby rendering him the first (and so far, only) London mayor to be royally steered along an 'L'-shaped trajectory – in chess terms.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Khan was born on 8 October 1970, the fifth of eight children, into a working-class family of Pakistani expatriates at St George's Hospital in the South London district of Tooting, known for its terraces brimful of curry houses, corner shops and Asha on the forty-five.
At school, a young Khan was tutored in biology and mathematics during the sixth form, with hopes of qualifying as a dentist some day. However, as a consequence of Khan's peculiar childhood tendency to swallow flames in the school laboratories, his biology teacher, concerned of his working in such close proximity to the respiratory systems of his patients, impulsively persuaded him that law would prove to be the subject that would earn him his calling.
Legal career[edit | edit source]
After having completed his Law Society finals at the College of Law in Guildford, Sadiq Khan entered the noble profession of law. From 1994 to 1997, he was employed as a trainee solicitor and assistant solicitor and from 1997 up until 2005, he achieved enlightenment by becoming a partner in the "Christian Khan" firm alongside fellow legal crusader Louise Christian. Their firm's mission primarily involved suing the powerful, the privileged, and every so often the Post Office.
Ever the ambitious moral compass, Khan infamously declared it unfair that an estimated 60% of lawyers gave the rest of the profession a bad reputation, and set out to balance the scales by prosecuting the scales themselves. He took on everyone from the Home Secretary to Oxford University, putting them on trial over cases supposedly involving discrimination, employment rights, and race relations. At one point, he attempted to prosecute the entire United Kingdom in the European Court of Human Rights for systemic bias. Alas, the case was dismissed when all 60-odd million defendants produced identical receipts, all unanimously claiming they were 'just following orders'.
Parliamentary career[edit | edit source]
First term[edit | edit source]
Following Tony Blair's victory at the general election, Khan penetrated the House of Commons on the fifth day of the fifth month of 2005.
Later that year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Khan (going by the moniker 'Mohammad Sidique'), alongside three dummies he labelled his 'assistants', held a fireworks display in the London Underground in an attempt to avert passengers from travelling via toxic, air-polluting, miasma-spawning transport. Three trains and one diverted bus were annihilated as a consequence of the display. As expected, Khan got away with the damages free of charge; whimpering in front of the judges at the Old Bailey about his plans to establish an ultra-low emission zone where the spectacle had been hosted, the jury forgave him for his wrongdoing, claiming he was just in setting a bunch of trains alight if it meant spreading the message of 'air pollution bad'. Future chief of London Boris Johnson, who branded Khan the 'newcomer of the year' in his newsletter, was privy to the Tooting MP's scheme and would go on to announce plans for the zone to come into operation during his mayoralty.
Ideally, the only way for Khan to get back at those Allah-forsaken bogeys at the Met Police for daring to arrest him involved boarding airliners departing from Britain to cross the Atlantic and urinating in the Mountain Dew of the few blue meanies who happened to be voyaging abroad out of spite towards them. And Tony Blair. Although himself a member of the Labour Party, Khan at the time loathed Blair. How dare he push the military to set foot on Iraqi soil with the intent of launching assault. On 4 August 2006, around the same time the prime minister and his family were to emplane for the Caribbean, Khan and his trio of mannequins set out to put said scheme into practice. Although the enforcement of strict security measures at Heathrow Airport meant that authorities soon learned of Operation Spend-Sixty-Thousand-Pennies and arrested him, Khan was once again pardoned by the Old Bailey after their verdict deduced that the plan could not be anything but a farce, seeing as real-life inflatable dummies cannot piss.
By 2008, Cyclops – the one eyed Jock had overthrown Blair as Labour leader and Prime Minister, and Khan had found himself involved in a sticky situation branded by the papers as the 'Bugging Incident', during which the finest anti-terror sleuths of Britain proudly unveiled their latest triumph: bugging a prison table so thoroughly that they accidentally eavesdropped on and taped an actual MP chatting with his constituent – fellow son of Pakistani migrants and Tooting denizen and perchance not-so-fellow jihadist propagator Babar Ahmad. Operation 'Oops, That's Sadiq Khan' was deemed an overwhelming success because of the moment five officers in the surveillance van realised the visitor was a Member of Parliament yet hit the 'record' button regardless.
Second and third term[edit | edit source]
Although David Cameron and his cabinet of Tories had been voted into power in the wake of the 2010 general election, their eradication of the Labour Party was no match for Khan, whose loyal fanbase of Tooting voters helped keep his seat in the House of Commons snug and toasty for the time being. On the topic of elections, when Ed Miliband – frontman of the rock band The Miliband Brothers – concocted a master plan to snag the top spot in the 2010 Labour leadership election from four days prior, Khan was his campaign Svengali.
In April 2010, scarcely one month before the bacon sandwich man achieved Leader of the Opposition status, Khan was discovered to have been operating a boutique multicultural greetings-card sweatshop from behind the scenes within the confines of his parliamentary office. Using the official crested stationery and prepaid envelopes of the House of Commons, he distributed an extensive range of seasonal decorations, such as Diwali lanterns and Eid crescents to selected constituents, unusual amounts of which ended up on the doormats of those who did not celebrate either of those holidays. These decorations would often come with glossy pamphlets that served as love letters to himself, with many of them carrying terse, abrupt messages such as:
| “ | Happy festival! Also, remember how brilliant I am? | ” |
— Sadiq Khan
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When the story broke, Khan stepped forward and inculpated a 'lack of experience', despite the fact he was approaching his forties by then and had served as a solicitor since the 1990s. Apparently the only experience he lacked was in not getting caught using Parliament's stationery cupboard as his personal election-pringing press. The Standards Commissioner wagged a finger, Khan muttered 'sorry, I won't let it happen again' with the sincerity of a toddler promising not to wet the bed, and as expected, Tooting voters expressed no displeasure at all, adorned their houses with Khan's ornaments for the remainder of the year, posted the pamphlets onto their fridges and returned him on the off chance that Ed would grow tired of having responsibility whilst lacking power and decide to call it quits on leading the Labour Party.
In 2013, Ed Miliband, still dizzy from inhaling his own debatably kosher bacon sandwich fumes, furnished Khan with the spontaneously-pulled-out-of-his-arse ceremonial non-job of 'Shadow Minister of London'. The role's sole function was to let Khan practise mayoral poses in the mirror. Naturally, Khan took to it like a bee to pollen.
Having secured a third Tooting term in 2015, Khan then performed the ultimate act of party sabotage: nominating notoriously reputed antisemite Jeremy Corbyn as Labour leader. Jihadi Jezza ultimately managed to snag the role of Leader of the Opposition, the most esteemed simultaneously-do-everything-and-nothing occupation available in Britain. Khan stuck by his monster before stabbing the sod in the back on the day of the Brexit vote, claiming he wanted to 'widen the debate' – Labour's codeword for mass debating gone wrong.
Making of a mayor[edit | edit source]
Khan resigned as Shadow Minister of London on 11 May 2015 to run for Labour's nomination to be the Mayor of London after word on the street was that BoJo signalled he was bored of the gig and was off to bigger disasters. The office of Shadow Minister has since remained vacant ever since even the rats and mice turned it down.
In due course, Khan's wish became a reality on 9 May 2016, with him winning the 2016 London mayoral election against Conservative candidate and posh-boy billionaire spawn Zac Goldsmith and Green Party houseplant Siân "Sais W. A. Welsh Forename" Berry. Goldsmith's campaign had been conveniently torpedoed when a crack squad of Labour interns co-operated to flood the media with whispers that voting for Zac equalled voting for the Kool Kidz Klub for his immoral act of duelling against a Muslim. Khan resigned as an MP that same day, moonwalked into City Hall, handed Labour a decade-long subscription to electoral oblivion, and immediately began the holy crusade of charging Londoners £12.50 for the crime of owning noxious, foul-smelling automobiles predating the era of new-style registration plates.
Mayor of London[edit | edit source]
First term[edit | edit source]
Khan declared war on air pollution the minute his mayoralty began just as he had promised during his days in the House of Commons. Serving as a precursor to the ultra-low emission zone he vowed he would establish, 2017 saw the unveiling of the T-charge (the 'T' stands for toxicity), a surcharge applicable to all motor vehicles and hardcore shisha pipe smokers whose exhaled air capacity was deemed far too foul to be roaming the alleyways of London without constantly having to be forced to pay hefty fees. Officially a daily levy of £10 on older, filthier vehicles entering the city centre, the scheme quietly extended to 'excessive exhalers', namely the junkies in the mandem further up in the north of Greater London who find triple-apple sessions well futile.
A scarcely known clause extended the T-charge to those who dared contaminate the air with any vernacular along the lines of "why can't I drive my 2005 Fiesta?" Such utterances, should they be caught by a smart CCTV microphone, may trigger a dawn Met Police raid, a swift pavement body-slam and immediate classification as a 'climate-denying bigot'. In this version of London, the air has never been purer.
On 8 April 2019, Khan ceremoniously binned the T-charge in favour of his pièce de resistance: the Ultra-Low Emission Zone (ULEZ). Boris Johnson had scribbled the concept of such a zone on a 2015 napkin with a promised 2020 rollout, but Khan, unswervable and impatient as ever, dragged it forward so central London could start bleeding money that very spring. The policy requires Londoners unable to afford a swanky, shiny orthogonal Tesla Cybertruck to cough up the daily fee equivalent to a small royal dowry or brace for fines.
By July, London was officially christened the world's first 'National Park City' by the National Park City Foundation. Johnson, comfortably installed in 10 Downing Street by then, presumably looked out the window, saw the expanding camera network, and thought to himself, "that's uh-uh-uh, uhm... uh... uhm... well, uh... MY boy, well, um... I, yes, uh... sort of. Now, uh... let me... y'know, just wait until, hmm... I'm completely out of the public eye and uh... me and the, uh... lads can begin to discuss some Ugandan affairs. Ah! Great supine protoplasmic invertebrate jellies."
Second term[edit | edit source]
Jeremy Corbyn resigned as Labour leader after BoJo brought him to his knees in the 2019 general election. Khan cared more about securing a second term as London mayor. Having declined the idea of taking the socialist's submission to his advantage, he instead allowed for grey-haired bespectacled son of a toolmaker Keir Starmer to take on the endeavour of vying against the Conservatives in time for 2024 – a struggle in which Starmer would soon prove victorious following the events of the Great Tory Leadership Crisis. As luck would have it, the most paramount item on Khan's Eid al-Fitr wish list would be conferred on him in May 2021. Albeit two months too late.
Khan's ecozone mutated into a city-wide monster on 29 August 2023, assimilating all 32 Greater London boroughs in one extortionate eco-munch and nourishing Transport for London's coffers with enough green to turn the British capital into Greenland. In a cheeky middle finger to the Milk Snatcher's legacy, Sadiq reintroduced free school meals for all London primary pupils starting from September of that year – dishing out £130 million to feed over a million sprogs without their parents forking over a penny. Public loos, by and large, still clamour for at least 50p to drop the kids off at the pool. Flatulence is a surreptitious methane contributor to air pollution, regardless of how minimally a squirt of the material from a Fairy Liquid spray bottle farts up the air adulteration statistics.
Third term[edit | edit source]
In May 2024, Khan's mayoralty was extended to a third term, allowing him to outvie both of his predecessors as the longest-serving mayor of the British capital for as long as the position had been christened. Turnout was a sleepy 40.5%, but Londoners apparently preferred more ULEZ cameras, £12.50 daily fines, and 'part and parcel' shrugs about knife crime than risk any alternative. With Keir Starmer comfortably harvesting online data farming schemes in №10 after the 2024 landslide, Sadiq Khan plots to cross swords for a fourth term in 2028 against independent candidate Count Binface.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Relationship with the US President[edit | edit source]
Among the litany of better halves – ranging from Elon Musk to Stormy Daniels to various golf caddies rumoured to answer as 'Bubba'[1] – practically anybody but Melania the US President has chosen to call his own lies none other than our good friend Sir Sadiq 'Genghis' Khan. Sadiq and Donald both frequently banter one another on such an unremitting basis, especially in the wake of the latter's occasional sojourns to the English capital, from which both sides of the surreptitiously concealed homosexual relationship derive quite the affectionate play.
Leaked e-mails of disputed veracity and origin dating back to as early as 2016 – the year they both came up trumps and won their respective votes – reveal that Khan keeps a private folder on his Copilot+ PC labelled 'Donald's Greatest Hits' containing every 'stone-cold loser' tweet Trump ever aimed his way. Insiders claim the mayor finds the phrase peculiarly commoving. The 2019 classic triggered after Khan pretended to denounce Trump as a Nazi over his proposed travel restrictions affecting certain Muslim-majority countries is said to be a particular favourite in that folder. According to these same dubious sources, Trump's travel ban was less about national security and more about ensuring nobody in McDonaldland could get their hands on his monopoly of what he privately called 'those big-league, beautiful Islamic genes that make Sadiq look so unfairly composed while dressed in one of those yellow bikinis'.
