Guildford
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“There is nothing so powerful as Guildford; And oft'n nothing so strange.”
“Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather just go to Guildford.”
“I love Lennox Lewis and I love Guildford!”
Guildford is a very large village on a small insignificant planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, home of Ford Prefect (see The Encyclopedia Galactica The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, under "Very large villages on small insignificant planets to avoid").
History of Guildford[edit | edit source]
Since the dawn of time, Man has dreamed of Guildford. What with easy access to London and the southern coast, it was destined to be the jewel of Surrey. Guildford was founded by the Romans in AD 52. In AD 1976, a bit of The Omen was filmed there. But what happened in between? Well the short answer is, Nothing. The long answer is, Not much.
Guildford was ranked number 13 in "The Greatest Village Not in the Southern Hemisphere" poll from The Guardian newspaper. The name "Guildford" is thought to of been derived from Golden Ford Escort where the first ever, and only, Golden Ford Escort was made. The Golden Ford was driven up and down the high street in the early eighteen hundreds by Cher, who at the time was only 43 years old.
Guildford residents[edit | edit source]
People who live in Guildford are known as tight-fisted Guildfordians and there are many places that residents of Guildford can join or frequent, such as:
- The Guildford Cruise
- The Guildford Unbenevolence Fund
- The Women's Institute
- Church flower rotaries
- the Royal Uppity Toffs' Grammar School
- and of course, The Guildford Schools Of Chavs And Tarts (aka Guildford County and King's College)
Some notable residents of Guildford include local hardman Jack "Napalm" O'Dwyer, Chris Evans (BBC DJ), Nelson Mandela, and Walt Disney, all of which were members of The Guildford Social Retard Foundation at one time or another. Guildford is also known for being the chill-out zone for many old ladies, or (as they are known in Guildford) G.I.L.F's.
Tasty octogenarians aside, Guildford has seen an alarming rise in high street gangs in recent years. The vicious gangs known only as the “Yaaaaaaaaaas” and the “Raaaaaaaaaas” were documented by Louis Theroux in an in-depth BBC documentary, “When Louis Met… every prepubescent girl in England (‘hey they can’t all say no!’)”. Using his gargantuan nose, Louis deciphered that the gangs were entirely populated by young girls, who in order to be initiated into the cult had to track down and devour the lovable native Ugg Beast; donning its woolly feet as a sign of power.
Furthermore, Louis found that in order to ascend the ranks of the Guildford scene the girls must spend copious amounts of time in ‘Clair’s Accessories’ and ‘Jack Wills’ among other toilsome hell holes that continuously regurgitate the same brain-cell-depleting Rihanna soundtrack and don’t actually sell anything of discernible value. Most shocking of all though is as the girls reach the elite end of the gang ranks their skin begins to radioactively glow a florescent orange color. Although the lab tests were inconclusive, it is only assumable that these girls are irradiated by the toxic content of the gallons of Starbucks Coffee they use to maintain their superhuman powers of sheer annoyance. In later life the only two words the girls can pronounce are "Yaaaaaaaaaa" and "Raaaaaaaaaa", depending on gang allegiance respectively in combination with sporadic “Like, wow!”s; and the most common cause of death is an unprovoked axe to the face, legally classified as an Act of God.
Guildford hosts the world famous Millennial Guildfest at Stoke Park. This sacrificial event attracts about 4 people every 1,000 years with each guest participating in a "Who's ears can survive the most shitty music?" competition. However, the legendary Bearded Lady of Guildford often ingests the various guests as she strives to become a cave troll.
The Almighty Ruler of Guildford[edit | edit source]
Guildford is more supervised than anything by the aforementioned Bearded Lady of Guildford, who can be often seen lurking in the McDonalds in the Friary Centre watchfully guarding her loyal subjects. Her subjects take pictures of her like little perverts, prancing in her wake and fulfilling her every need. She is an inspiration to many, a role model extraordinaire, a silver lining on the horizon, heck, she's even a God to most. In fact, a new cult called Guilbarbism has arisen who answer many of the moral questions regarding her Highness, for example: the truth to her gender, the secrets of her charisma, and whether she does in fact eat children (or not). She is a mystic and magical idol of Guildford and many fear they will never know the true gender of their wonderful leader.