Forum:BENSON RETURNS

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Alright guys I know what you're thinking. "Oh no, here's Benson, out to be a dick again". Well sorry to disappoint ASSHOLE but this time is different. Except maybe being a bit of a dick again. As you may know from noticing my absence or by following my blog (www.blogspace.com/BETTERTHANYOU), I haven't been around here in a while. The truth is, Benson has spent the last few years discovering himself. You can read about it in my new autobiography Better Than You: THE BENSON STORY, although the uncreative title pretty much gives it all away.

In my time hitchhiking through Europe with nothing but the clothes on my back, and also the pelts of hookers I killed on my back, I made some realizations about life, and about the ways I used to act.

Yes, I was an obnoxious asshole. Do I regret it? No, it made me famous, and as anyone knows from watching episodes of Hannah Montana, fame IS all it's cracked up to be. Am I sorry about it? Again, no. If there's anything that Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, and Squiggle have taught me, it's that it's okay to be a pompous asshole all the time. Then what am I rambling on about anyways?

I don't know. I'm waiting for my friend and I don't have class for another hour. But I guess what I'm getting at is, thank you for putting up with me for that year. I know I pissed a lot of you off, rightfully so, and somehow I didn't get permabanned (well technically twice, but I'm too good for that shit), which means you guys saw that glimmer of hope in my eyes, and decided to give this poor sumbitch a second chance. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

What's next for Benson? I've finally finished construction on my rocket, and I'll be going back to my home planet forever, never to disturb Earth again. Good bye, everyone, and remember this majestic quote, my last words uttered to you before I make my triumphant exit:

"Hang on to your dreams, and even if you miss, you'll discover a world of magic and adventure" - Mark Twain

Benson 17:25, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

I'd say that I like the new, mature Benson, but that would be a lie. That's not your fault. I simply don't like people. Anyway, this new Benson should try the writing thing that the old Benson pretty much skipped. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 17:57, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

*applause* • Spang • ☃ • talk • 19:00, 01 Apr 2009

So...wait. Benson is coming back, or Benson is gone forever? Woody On Fire! Talking Woody Stalking Woody 19:30, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

The latter. Until his next triumphant return. I wonder what he'll be like next time. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 21:05, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

Asian? I bet Flammable will like that. Damn Asians and their groups of Asians. --MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 21:10, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

WTF what did you just say... » Zheliel Talk Contribs Cow » 13:17, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

He said "Asian? I bet Flammable will like that. Damn Asians and their groups of Asians." I second what he said. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:35, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Don't you mean "anus"? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:42, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

If by "anus" you mean "anus" then yes. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:45, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Guys, what are you even doing up here? Don't you see that there are haikus to be written at the bottom of this page? - T.L.B. WotM, UotM, FPrize, AotM, ANotM, PLS, UN:HS, GUN 04:32, Apr 21

What's a "haiku"? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 11:43, 21 April 2009 (UTC)

That's the part of fugu that'll kill you. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 11:46, 21 April 2009 (UTC)

Goodbye Benson, we'll see you soon! Have a beautiful time! S-984 23:51, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

*sniff* ... well, I guess this is *sniff* goodbye, BENSON... I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, MAN! - T.L.B. WotM, UotM, FPrize, AotM, ANotM, PLS, UN:HS, GUN 03:32, Apr 6

Well, he made ME laugh . . .--Procopius 20:06, 4 May 2009 (UTC)

We love you Procopius! Woo! Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 20:35, 4 May 2009 (UTC)

Nobody cares

Nobody care if you return. Thank God you will not say "Benson is better than you" or "Get your free Benson" again. Anyway, JOE9320 IS BETTER THAN BENSON! |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Kyurem CUN|IC Kill | 07:45, 2 April 2009 (UTC)

Pff, n00b. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 15:45, Apr 2

Psh, yeah. Everyone knows the only thing better than BENSON is BENSON. ^{Pirate Lord}__Sonic80 (Yell  •  Latest literary excretion) __ 18:58, 2 April 2009 (UTC)

Shut the fuck up. —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:49, 5 April 2009 (UTC)

More exactly Tits or GTFO! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:50, 5 April 2009 (UTC)

Eh, I meant more like "Shut the fuck up, Joe, because you were never here for Benson and have no idea what you are talking about and we all like Benson a hell of a lot more than you." —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:56, 5 April 2009 (UTC)

I know you meant that. I was just joking around. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:59, 5 April 2009 (UTC)

Epic win at socky for linking my page (which I still haven't finished. (more the reason to get to finishing it.) ^{Pirate Lord}__Sonic80 (Yell  •  Latest literary excretion) __ 00:19, 6 April 2009 (UTC)

Hey guys

Benson isn't here. » Sir SysRq Grand Commanding Officer Somethingorother ... holla atcha boy» 16:06, 2 April 2009 (UTC)

But he still owes me child support! --Pleb SYNDROME _{CUN medicate (butt poop!!!!)} 16:23, 2 April 2009 (UTC)

Dang, yo. This stuff makes me feel old. --The Acceptable  Cainad  (Fnord) 17:24, 2 April 2009 (UTC)

But you are old. That's why you wear the giant wraparound sunglasses and your pants go up to your chin. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 17:28, 2 April 2009 (UTC)

Don't judge me. --The Acceptable  Cainad  (Fnord) 14:04, 12 April 2009 (UTC)

Are you done bagging my groceries yet? —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:02, 12 April 2009 (UTC)

I be banging your groceries! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:30, 12 April 2009 (UTC)

Everybody cares

Benson is better than you. Just saying. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:25, 5 April 2009 (UTC)

Also, see these:

And this: The "No BENSON Allowed"'s of Giratinaton

I hope you enjoy, guys.

|Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Kyurem CUN|IC Kill | 09:54, 4 May 2009 (UTC)

RCMURPHY RETURNS

But not really. —rc (t) 05:32, 9 April 2009 (UTC)

We love you RC! Woo! Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 05:55, 9 April 2009 (UTC)

But why not? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 15:25, 9 April 2009 (UTC)

Hey guys, RC is here. » Sir SysRq Grand Commanding Officer Somethingorother ... holla atcha boy» 15:55, 9 April 2009 (UTC)

RC is an asshole/Goddamn he's an asshole!/Always come back to say hey! --MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 15:58, 9 April 2009 (UTC)

You did that wrong. It should be "RC is an ass / Always come back to say hey / Goddamn he's an ass. 575, man. - T.L.B. WotM, UotM, FPrize, AotM, ANotM, PLS, UN:HS, GUN 16:41, Apr 19

God I hate it when people suddenly return after being inactive for several months. Sir Cs1987 UOTM. t. c 05:35, 25 April 2009 (UTC)

You tryin' to be ironic? We don't much cotton to irony 'round these parts, I reckon. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 07:04, 25 April 2009 (UTC)

God I hate it when / People suddenly return / After being gone. That's what you should have said, Cs. Modus, yours should've been Was that irony? / No one here likes irony. / It sucks, we reckon. You guys are bad at this. - T.L.B. WotM, UotM, FPrize, AotM, ANotM, PLS, UN:HS, GUN 07:40, Apr 25

Obviously. / Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! / 08:28, 25 April 2009 (UTC)

God I hate it when / People try to make me speak / In stupid haikus. FU TLB. Sir Cs1987 UOTM. t. c 13:04, 25 April 2009 (UTC)

Damn! So close! ~

Jacques Pirat, Esq. Converse : Benefactions : U.w.p.

6/05/2009 @ 22:58

The haikus! Oh my god, haikus! I hate those.

"Don't you mean anus?"
Socky asked me. I replied
The best way I know:

"Sock, if by 'anus'
You in fact mean 'anus', then
Friend, you speak the truth."

—Sir SysRq (talk) 13:42, 21 April 2009 (UTC)

True poetry. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 15:15, Apr 21

Hardly. It wasn't even about a girl from Nantucket. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 15:18, 21 April 2009 (UTC)

If I remember my fourth grade class (unlikely), it was an old man from Nantucket. Or are you sexying things up like you always do? • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 16:06, Apr 21

There was a girl from Nantucket

She carried her tits in a bucket

When someone asked why

She would always reply

BENSON IS BETTER THAN YOU SO FUCK IT!

-OptyC Sucks! CUN16:25, 21 Apr

So many believe
My haikus are poetry
I just dick around

There's nothing to it
Fill seventeen syllables
And you're golden. See?

—Sir SysRq (talk) 22:24, 21 April 2009 (UTC)

Don't fool yourself dude

The only poetry here

Is your sweet sweet ass

-OptyC Sucks! CUN14:18, 22 Apr

Word. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 15:41, Apr 22

No BENSON right here

In my Giratinaton

But BENSON is gone.

|Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Kyurem CUN|IC Kill | 10:02, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

A haiku needs seventeen syllables. And less boring stuff. ---kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 10:34, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Farewell Benson. --Docile hippopotamus 11:06, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

I think I would change BHOP to NHOP. Make sure you sign with four Nachlader. |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Kyurem CUN|IC Kill | 05:26, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

No, no, no. Four Necropaxx. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 15:48, May 4

No matter how hard I try to pronounce 'giratinaton' (whatever that is), I never get the 3 syllables that should be there. ^{Pirate Lord}__Sonic80 (Yell  •  Latest literary excretion) __ 02:17, 5 May 2009 (UTC)

Obituary: BENSON, 12 June 2007-29 April 2009

BENSON lived a wild, wacky, wangdoodle life and died much the same way.

We are saddened by the death of an Uncyclopedian, BENSON. We will do it in an old Catholic funeral fashion. Don't worry, we will not rape you. Here it is:

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Eulogy from Rayquaza, Catholic Archbishop of Giratinaton

(In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.)

We lost BENSON only days, or weeks ago, but we have missed him for a long time. We have missed his kindly presence, that reassuring tone of his typing, and the happy ending we all had wished for him. It has been 100 years, give or take ten years, since he said his own farewell; yet it is still very sad and hard to let him (or her) go. Some user belongs to the ages now, but we preferred it when he/she belonged to us.

In a life of ironic fortune, he valued above all the gracious gift of his fans, who will remain anonymous. During his career, BENSON passed through a thousand crowded buildings; but there was only one person, he said, who could make him lonely by just leaving the room. Sadly, he never actually said who that was.

Wikiland, my Pokemon, the people of the Filipino Empire and the people of Goa Tse Temple honors you, Uncyclopedia, for the loyalty and love you gave this man on a wonderful journey, and to that journey's end. Today, our whole community grieves with you and your families. Mainly because it’s laundry day, and inevitably socks will always get lost no matter how attentive you are but also because we like to pretend we care.

When the sun sets tonight off the coast of the Philippines and Wikiland (very old in-joke there; no one used Wikiland anymore since Wikia took over Uncyclopedia in October 1984/2008), and we lay to rest our father of Unpsychlopedia, a great Uncyclopedian story will close. The second son of Whatsherface and Thatguy user first knew the content-free world as a place of random edits, quiet discussion pages, stupidity-lit rooms, and mowers pushed by that Creepy guy who lives across the street. If you could go back to the Uncyclopedia of 2005, you'd find a nOOb of unknown gender and age writing horror stories such as Veil of smoke and mirrors, or running with his fellow writers, Sonic80, along Sarcasm River, and coming home to a little house of the old man down the street. That town was the kind of place you remember where you prayed side by side with your neighbors, and if things were going wrong for them, you prayed for them, and knew they'd pray for you if things went wrong for you, all the while knowing that God would answer those prayers, eventually. Hopefully. If you were worthy, but most likely you weren’t. You and your neighbors were content just to comfort yourself in God’s Word.

As he showed what a leader should be, he also showed us what a man (or woman) should be. BENSON carried himself, even in the most powerful “office”, with a decency and attention to small kindnesses that also defined a good life. He was a courtly, gentle and considerate man, never known to slight or embarrass others. Many people across the country cherish letters he wrote on his own keyboard -- to Uncyclopedia members on important occasions; to old friends dealing with sickness and loss; to nOObs with questions about his days in Karanakhston.

We think of a man advancing in years with the sweetness and sincerity of a Scout saying the Pledge which, ironically, is pretty gay. So, instead we think of that grave expression that sometimes came over his face, the seriousness of a man angered by injustice, and frightened by nothing. We know, as he always said, that Uncyclopedia's best days are ahead of us, but with BENSON's passing, some very fine days are behind us, and that is worth our tears.

(Pause for fellow users to squeeze out some tears and ignore knocking noises and muffled shouts of "I'M NOT DEAD, YOU ASSHOLES! LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" from coffin.)

And as I have BENSON's coffin loaded up to the hearse, where he would be sent to be buried in the Arc de Momartik, and he will be remembered by the Giratinatonese and Wikiland forever until the world ends.

May God bless BENSON, and Uncyclopedia, and Jimbo Wales.

Amen.

(In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.)

(Giratina says "Go eat shit fuckers!" afterwards)

P.S.: And I hape Asperger's!

|Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Kyurem CUN|IC Kill | 08:13, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

You actually linked to my userpage? it wasn't a {{USERNAME}} thing? I'm flattered (I guess). ^{Pirate Lord}__Sonic80 (Yell  •  Latest literary excretion) __ 18:55, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

If you think you're flattered now, just wait until he grabs onto your head and sucks out your eyeballs. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 21:10, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

Kinky... ^{Pirate Lord}__Sonic80 (Yell  •  Latest literary excretion) __ 21:56, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

If you think that's kinky, just wait until etc, etc. Sir Modusoperandi ^Boinc! 23:02, 6 May 2009 (UTC)

Oi! Watch it! |Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Kyurem CUN|IC Kill | 10:02, 7 May 2009 (UTC)