Florida
The Great State of Floriduh 
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|---|---|
| State Flower: | Cannabis |
| Capital: | Disney World |
| Penisal status of most citizens: | uncircumcised |
| Leading Cause of Death: | Matrix-style shootouts. |
| Official Language: | Cuban, Indo-Spanish, Eire-Kolumbus |
| State Bird: | Mosquito |
| State Fish: | Alligator |
| State Motto: | "God's Waiting room" |
| Official State Jokes: | Recounts, bad drivers |
| State Anime: | Inuyasha, dubbed in Spanish |
| Nickname: | The Penis State |
| Governor: | Carl Peterson and his torso |
| King: | King K. Rool |
| State Anthem: | The Dumb Song, by Psychostick |
| Median Age: | Dead |
| Denonym: | Florida Man or Florida Woman |
| Standard speed (city): | Five MPH, stuck behind a 110-year old from New York, Ohio, or Michigan. |
| Standard speed (highway): | Mach 2 |
| Principal imports: | Old people, illegal aliens (both generally arriving in old cars, although only one by land), empty coffins, children tricked into visiting a large mouse castle, atmospheric storms, Child Supermodels, Liberals, Cubans, Jews (they end up in Miami) |
| Principal exports: | Cocaine, Michigan's National Championship votes, illegal aliens (heading north or being deported), filled coffins, feces, voting ballots, space shuttles, citrus, boy bands, Creed, kicked ass, storm victims, Really shitty music, Creed, Republicans, bullshit, scams |
| Principal industries: | Tourism, nursing homes, boy band synthesizing, drug smuggling, assault weapons, manipulating votes, citrus production, child molestation |
| Fun Fact # 1: | Was the name of the mom on Good Times ( portrayed by Ester Rolle) |
| Fun Fact # 2: | Was named by Ponce de Leon (portrayed by Erik Estrada on Good Times) |
| Official Sandwich: | Retired Dolphins on stale bread (served with injuries and Gatorade) |
Florida or America's Wang (also known as the Armpit of the World., America/North America's penis and strap-on dildo) (more commonly known as "the place where its hot but the chances of getting run over by celebrities is near 0" or by the South simply as "Cuba") is the result of a inbreeding frenzy with the countries. It is a peninsula on the southern edge of the United States. It was once a US state until it was invaded and subsequently divided in 1971 into three colonies - North Cuba, South Canada and West Israel. Most of the military action (82%) was undertaken by French Canadians pissed off about having to speak two languages (they would rather speak three) and live in the cold. Ten percent was done by smart New Yorkers(a minority in NY) who considered their city a smelly pile of crap , Eight percent was done by Cubans who mostly either wanted to try out their new rafts or were angry at their Führer - Fiddle Castor . Florida is also known as The awesome State, as due to a natural phenomenon the further north you travel the further south you end up. Indeed, Florida was once part of the Southern United States, but was excommunicated when the Judeo-Cubans founded Miami. Florida is admired because it looks like America taking a piss on Cuba.
AKA's
The Florida Panhandle is known to the locals as "Fla" or "Fu*king Lower Alabama."
Florida is not to be confused with the deep south. Its not good enough. but its further south, this is confusing to people further north
A large number of Cubans have been allowed residency in Florida as political refugees, and have become an important voting block in the region. A good, responsible, and American dream following Cuban refugee is Tony "Scarface" Montana. Many tourist attractions have a Cuban "flair" due to this. Key West has the "boat watch" at its southern tip. Hundreds watch for boatloads of Cubans arriving to Florida in homemade rafts. Once here, they urinate in the ocean while facing their former homeland! The Cuban people are warm, friendly, and smell like fish. The Cuban woman are whores and also quite friendly, especially if you yell "Fidel se calló" as you greet them. Why cigars have been allowed to vote, nobody knows. Most of the original refugees were fleeing from the dictatorial communist rule of Fidel Castor inventor of Castor oil, only to be fooled into working low paying jobs in a dictorial capitalist state. George Bush is good friends with Fidel Castor.
Most drivers in Florida are called Floridiots. Many of them drive at 7 MPH in the HOV lane, and are staging a coup to make the world's speed limits 8 MPH, are "voting challenged", and install hanging flowers, gardens, and refillable hard candy bowls at every corner. Mwuhahaha!
(Just kidding. Real Florida drivers aka Tourists usually drive about 100 mph on their interstates because the state is that effing big and it takes that long to get in and out of it. Those who drive any slower eventually give up because they become too old to want to leave, and thus they settle down and retire. However, New Yorkers who migrate down find plenty of open road, and are able to speed at their will. They cannot be stopped as Florida State Troopers cannot perceive the unusually fast objects.) The legal number of cars that can run a red light at once is 10 in Florida.
Floridiots are born pissed at you, so get out of the state you dumb tourist!
Florida is known for its wide variety of wildlife, all of which sucks, leading to the fundamental question: Why do Florida's animals suck?. As everyone knows, Florida is home to 70 species of animals that will most certainly kill you, as well as 250 that might, and 12,670 that are just plain annoying. Some of Florida's horrible wildlife includes: panthers, crocodiles, coral snakes, locusts, , sharks, bees, fire ants, French Canadians, snowbirds, Palmetto Bugs, carnival freaks, rednecks, liberals, Horatio Caine, Florida Man, and mockingbirds. Also annoying are the no see'ems and the retirees.
The Florida Keys are great for a scenic drive. Half of them are beautiful, and the other half are beautiful and smell like rotting fish. This is all part of an ecological experiment involving plutonium-warmed coral reefs. At the end of the drive is Key West. The population of Key West is 25% rich people with quarter million dollar homes and statues of David and Venus on their lawns, and 75% Homosexuals. You can identify these homosexuals by their name, Jonathan, and they usually have a lazy eye and love lobster fishing.
Also, it is the country's largest retirement home, filled with all of the North's unwanted senior citizens. Old people make up 65% of the population, all of them speaking with a New Jersey-style accent. Most of the above are known for wearing excessive amounts of Chanel No. 5 and 5k gold jewelry which leads to popular jokes such as "Michael Phelps did awesome at the Bejjing Olympics, he now has as much gold as a Miami Jew". They are shipped to Florida by loving family members in the hopes that the next hurricane will kill them.
The rest of the population is made up of rednecks and rich people who cannot handle the cold. The tension between rednecks and Northerners is quite prominent, and the rednecks are quick to assert their status as the "real" Floridians. According to their definition of a real Floridian, one must: be born in Florida, enjoy a good monster truck rally, know how to hunt and fish, swim with manatees, and regularly wrestle alligators. Membership in the KKK is preferrable, but not absolutely necessary in all areas.
On the map: You forgot Poland.
God's Waiting Room
Florida is also known as "God's Waiting Room" as a reference of the amazing massive amounts of old farts that live here. Do you kids know why that Florida is God's Waiting Room? Because Darth Vader has an 'Old Fart Becon' that tells all old farts to come to Florida. Darth Vader is making an old people army and the only thing we can do to stop him is to keep old people in retirement homes. The last thing we want is for old farts knocking on our door one day and beating us with their cane and saying "You damn teenagers!".
Do you ever wonder why hurricanes hitting Florida rack up the death toll? The anwser is old farts. When old people here about hurricanes they 5 days before they hit they say "Dang nabit! I better get to my 1972 car!" Then for the next 3 days they try to get up. 4th day is when then finally get outside. On the 5th day when the hurricanes hit they are still trying to get to their car and the winds and water take the old fart and throws them into the sea. So much for Darth Vader's plans!
Interesting Facts
. . . .
- God theres not a lot of interesting things down here but lets give it a shot…
- Its hot as hell like Texas and Cali, Arizona and New Mexico.
- Motto "Where America goes to die".
- This place is full of old people, Cubans, and alligators... what a SHIT HOLE!
- More Russian Jews than Tel Aviv, Israel.
- Only state known to not actually have a school shooting. Possibly due to entire state population owns a gun by age 13. See gun for more info.
- 78% of the population are over 65 yrs.
- Florida is the armpit of the world.
- Miami Beach is the "Gayest" city on the planet. Behind San Francisco. And L.A. And New York. And the entirety of Thailand, Bangcock especially.
- More cheeseheads live here than in Wisconsin or Minnesota, at least during th winter and/or if they made lots of money off of cheese and beer.
- The beaches are so white that they can literally blind your eyes.
- Florida was almost destroyed in 2017. Talk about a horrible year!
Floridiots
- Charles-Fiodor Nadd, ex-governor and 49th President of the United States.
- Strom Thurmond, lead singer for the band Rush.
- Abe Vigoda, legendary singer/songwriter.
- Brett, that one guy who did that one thing that one time.
- Jeb Bush, brother of George Bush (See "moron presidents".)
- NSYNC, Mandy Moore, O-Town, Backstreet Boys, Bryan McKnight, Matchbox Twenty, and numerous other pop "artists" that people eventually love to loathe
- Shaquille O'Neal, holder of the record of eating the most catfish in one sitting.
- Debra LaFave, former teacher and current crazy woman.
- Ted Menendez, secret Cuban operative working for Castro.
- Alicia Ros-Liethien, another Cuban secret agent.
- Katherine Harris, perpetraitor of the 2000 Presidential election recount.
- Barney Frank, perpetraitor responsible for the 2008 economic crises, a gay man.
- Ned Hardee, reformed private investigator and third Hardee Brother, also gay.
- Nolan B. Canova, former gee-tarist whiz kid and current film-reviewer for The Tampon Times.
- Joe, some stupid kid editing this wiki who moved here because Ohio was too hot.
- Home of the extremely rare and highly elusive, endangered pink lawn flamingo.
- Christopher Walken occasionally vacations in Floriduh, because he is ridiculously old.
- Robert Trotter, super idiot who vacations in Wisconsin in the winter.
- Ted Bundy, his retirement home is Starke State Prison, home of "Ol' Sparky".
Similarities between Florida and Hell
- Neither has ever frozen over.
- Snowballs have no chance in either place.
- Both have been ruled over by an evil dictator.
- Democracy does not exist in either place.
- Both are populated by the dead.
- Who says it isn't?.
- Tourists go there in great numbers.
- The birth rate is zero.
- They are both populated by Cuban terrorists.
- White people with pointy hoods congregate there.
- Both are always a million degrees.
Major Cities
- Vice City.
- Guantanamo Bay.
- Deltona (Delrico for all the Puerto Ricans).
- Panama City, a literal third world toilet.
- Pot St. Lucie.
- St. Desi.
- Destin. They say it's good, but come on now, you know it is boring compared to other destinations.
- Ft.Walton.
- Port Charlotte (Port Toilet).
- Ft. Myers (Fort Misery, no seriously this place sucks).
- Cape Coral (Crap Coral - aka Cape Coma - this place sucks even worse than Fort Misery).
- Your Mom.
- Miami Beatch (Theres a big Ol' LOL!?!)
- Orlando (Also called "O-town", for "Oh shit! Another pop artist/group?")
- Tampon Springs
- Tampa (Little Havana, but with cigar rolling shops.)
- Ybor City now with less dead bouncers.
- Pensacola (Your close to where Forrest Gump lives!)
- Bradenton (Spoiled rich kids.)
- Sarasota (Site of Pee-Wee Herman's not so private Masterbation session/Also contain's heavens waiting room).
- Tallahassee.
- Ponce de Leon.
- Clearwater, home of the Scientology cult. No, really.
- Disney World.
- EPCOT Center.
- Little Japan in EPCOT center is funny (white people pretend to be Japanese, and watch how Japanese tourists get all offended by those yellow slant-eye Japs).
- Cubaville (Hialeah).
- Lake City, Fake Shits.
- Jacksonville.
- Overtown, Miami ("Darktown").
- Portoricoville.
- St. Petersburg. Motto: You're in St. Petersburg, Soviet Russia PWNs you.
- Sanford (and Son). You got the whole nation's eyes on you just becuase some weirdo shot a black teenager in self-defense. Not cool.
- Homosassa. Motto: That's really our name, stop laughing.
- Rundown Daytona Beach.
- Yulee Beaches.
- Yeehaw Junction (see Redneck's Road Atlas for more info.
- Kissimmee (Name changed in 1967 to Whore Town).
- Vero Beach. Fourth Richest City in the U.S. bitchessss.
- Principality of Hialeah-Miami Lakes (Oppressed by the cold hearted Mrs. Yolanda Green).
- The Redlined district of Sunrise-Plantation, not full of blacks despite the name "Plantation" but the Japanese ("Sunrise" to attract their hard-earned Yen), French Canadians and Americanized Cubans. Also home to the Hockey Florida Panthers' Ice Arena.
- University of Florida.
- Gainesville, the youngest city in Florida (average age not old enough to drink.)
- Ocala (Spanish for "Oh Shit").
- Cocoa-Cocoa Beach (we need a "Chocolate City".)
- Village of Hialeah High (Reftopia).
- Walt Disney Retirement Home for old fat white trash (aka) Disneyworld.
- Apopka - The city became a lake after a 1x1 square mile sinkhole.
- Sun City Centers (Sarasota and Tampa) Weekly mayor races are held, due to high mortality rates.
- Plant City, City of Plants (as in Maria Juana).
- Punta Gorda (Spanish term for "Fat Fucks").
- Fort Liquordale.
- Pompano Beach (Quebec South. C'est Le Fonne, Non?)
- Largo, where squirrels go to die.
- Winter Haven - Home To Cypress Gardens & The Kwik-E-Mart.
- Baseball City - former Spring Training baseball camp, ideal to house the next wave of Cuban raft refugees.
- Naples- The richest city, Bill Gates has a house in Naples... half the areas in Naples are also named after European cities.
- Venice - Full of retired Italian old ladies from New Jersey.
- Valrico - Recently annexed by Puerto Rico.
- Palm Bay - GAY! JEWISH! GHETTO! METROSEXUAL! BULLSHIT!
- Melbourne, not in Australia but has British tabloid press headquarters.
- Key West - May be nice, but no beaches here. Try something else.
- Malone, the northernmost town in Florida. It really looks more like Georgia.
Hurricanes
As we all know, Florida gets screwed around by hurricanes every year. Here are the top storms of the year.
- 2023-Hurricane Idalia
- 2022-Hurricane Ian and Nicole
- 2021-Hurricane Elsa probably.
- 2020-Actually kinda calm, it's either Hurricane Sally or Hurricane Eta
- 2019-Hurricane Dorian, with an assist from Donald J. Trump
- 2018-It's Hurricane Michael. Something like 50 people died and it did a lot of damage, though it will never be known as Wikipedia censors the truth and doesn't have a subarticle. AIN'T THAT RIGHT, HURRICANE NOAH??????
- 2017-Hurricane Irma. If you wish to leave our humor and get bored with the details, click here.
- 2016-Hurricane Matthew. If you ain't impressed, click here
There were no hurricanes from 2013-2015.
- 2012-Sandy or Isaac. Flip a coin.
There were no hurricanes from 2006-2011.
- 2005-Hurricane Wilma. This destroyed Bedrock and 30 peoples lives.
- 2004-There were 4 storms, all were pretty shitty: Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne
The part before 2004 has been lost to the sands of time.