Mr. Krabs

Eugene H. Krabs
The face of a visionary who knows the true value of every cent.
Born	(1942-11-30) November 30, 1942 Bikini Bottom, Marshall Islands, Pacific Ocean, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way
Occupation	Owner and manager of the Krusty Krab
Years active	1960-present
Known for	Mastering cost efficiency (mostly by not spending) Innovative revenue tactics (e.g. charging for air) Redefining employee satisfaction through hard work
Net worth	$52 million (as of March 2024)
Spouse(s)	We aren't exactly sure.
Children	One (1) whale

Mr. Eugene Harold "Armor Abs" Krabs (born 30 November 1942) is a Marshallese visionary businessman, self-made mogul and founder and proprietor of the Krusty Krab – a highly successful undersea fast-food establishment located beneath the Bikini Atoll, famous for its signature Krabby Patty. A firm believer in hard work, efficiency and fiscal responsibility, Mr. Krabs is renowned for his cost-cutting measures and innovative revenue-generating tactics, which have allowed the Krusty Krab to thrive in a competitive market, misunderstood by a surprising herd of critics as excessive frugality or exploitation.

Exceptional leadership skills have been demonstrated by Krabs over the years, successfully managing a carefully optimised workforce of two employees. His top hired hand, SpongeBob SquarePants, is an enthusiastic workaholic who treats so-dubbed "minimum-wage" fry cookery as a sacred calling that negates much of the need for raises, breaks or financial security. Meanwhile, Squidward Tentacles, the establishment's dedicated customer service representative, maintains his position with a level of commitment many undersea restaurant detractors have described as "begrudging endurance", largely due to his ostensible belief that "no one else will pay him to exist".

Mr. Krabs' rivalry with Plankton, owner of the ever-so-successful Chum Bucket, is widely seen as a battle of entrepreneurial genius versus unrelenting mediocrity. While Krabs built a capitalist empire through ruthless efficiency and a product not sourced from 90% of Bikini Bottom's population, Plankton’s ventures have consistently flopped. Yet, for over two decades, he remains obsessively hyperfixated on stealing the Krabby Patty secret formula, clinging to the naïve hope that it will end both his business failures and ongoing police investigations regarding the ill-reputed origins of his "chum".

Early life

Capitalism, circa forever.

Eugene H. Krabs was born on 30 November 1942 in the underwater city of Bikini Bottom, just off the coast of the Marshall Islands in the Pacific Ocean. His parents, Betsy and Victor Krabs, had been exposed to nuclear radiation from U.S. weapon tests, which gifted them with exceptional intelligence, an instinctual ability to detect loose change from lengthy distances, a biologically ingrained refusal to tip service workers they displayed, and other characteristics of the like. Perhaps the most curious result of this radiation is their defiance of the aging process.

Krabs reached adulthood one year after his birth, as do most of his own crustaceous kind; after all, in the world of capitalism, time is money and childhood is a luxury. By 1943, he rented out an apartment in the bustling business district of Kelp City, where he put his teachings in cutting costs and maximising profit from his family – which predominantly consisted of pirates – to good use, with nothing more than a cardboard box retrieved from a dumpster to use as clothing, and a handful of pennies in his big, meaty claws.

Brief allegiance with the Axis

Born during World War II, he was initially swept up by the hype surrounding the Axis powers, particularly captivated by the propaganda of far-right Kelp City operatives, and seduced by the promise of unlimited riches, unfettered access to valuable resources and the chance to monopolise the global market on military surplus. 1944 saw Krabs using sonar beams off the back of his residence in order to detect Allied naval positions and transmitting information of this kind to the Empire of Japan in exchange for moolah. A naïve, wide-eyed Krabs thought he had discovered a shortcut to the good life – until he realised, too late, that "monopolising" in this situation never actually meant "owning the world's largest shrimp cocktail party".

It was after the Potsdam Agreement that knowledge of Krabs' treachery became widespread among the British, American and Soviet press. Consequently, the U.S. selected the Marshall Islands as a base for nuclear weapon testing. An estimated 23 nuclear weapons were detonated on the coral reef of Bikini Atoll alone, culminating in a couple thousand dollars in property damage, and a 12.5% increase in cancer cases during 1945. Despite this, the United States has yet to cease Krabs' assets, for they remain concealed from within the depths of his mattress, where he continues to sleep from every 9:30 PM to 5:50 AM.

Post-war period

Following his brief and misguided flirtation with the Axis powers, Krabs swiftly concluded that it would take a lot more than aligning himself with war criminals to attain a grasp of the prosperity he had envisioned. By 1946, Krabs was attempting to make an honest living selling various such bits-and-bobs and oddities as the highly-revered soda drinking hat for hefty fortunes to the ever-developing market of Bikini Bottom's undersea denizens, a good 80% of whom were low-income and either confused by the product or were unsure they even had the pate to wear it on.

The Chum Famine of '59

The Great Chum Famine of 1959 was a turning point in Bikini Bottom history, a time of upheaval, scandal and hastily rewritten food safety regulations, a time period during which Krabs saw both disaster and opportunity. As awareness spread across marine civilisation that the popular comestible "chum" was in fact no more than finely processed chunks of their next-door neighbours, November 1958 saw the citizens of Bikini Bottom revolt against the dealers of this controversial substance, sending the once-thriving chum industry into an economic freefall. Among the many tradesmen of "chum" were nudist Sheldon J. Plankton and his computer wife Karen, owners of the notorious Chum Bucket cartel.

With chum sales plummeting overnight, Plankton – once an ambitious entrepreneur – found himself reduced to little more than a desperate hustler, attempting to peddle his remaining stock under the rebranded label of "Mystery Meat Surprise". However, even the most gullible of Bikini Bottom's denizens had begun asking questions, and by 8 February 1959, the Chum Bucket was officially condemned by the Bikini Bottom Health Department. In a last-ditch effort, Plankton attempted to sell his "Mystery Meat Surprise" with the slogan, "You won't ask, we won't tell!", an attempt that itself fell flat in the art of winning over even the most optimistic patrons. Enter Eugene Krabs.

Krabs put perhaps his most surreptitious World War II souvenir to good use: a decaying mother whale's carcass, preserved just enough to remain legally ambiguous. Acquired during an armed conflict with the United States Navy, this grotesque windfall proved large enough to supply Bikini Bottom with sustenance for decades and decades on end. Of which his adopted whale daughter Pearl was the offspring. As Krabs carefully rationed out portions of his dubious acquisition, he quickly realized that with the chum industry in ruins and Plankton's reputation sinking faster than a lead anchor, he had a golden opportunity to establish a culinary empire.

All Krabs needed was a way to disguise the origins of his new product and rebrand it into something the public would eagerly devour, and with this, the so-dubbed secret formula to an all-new form of nourishment would be born. 21 May 1959 saw the creation of the first Krabby Patty, though the question of what exactly made it so "Krabby" was one that made Krabs snap out in fury towards curious clients. With a pinch of King Neptune's Poseidon Powder, a flashy new advertising campaign, and an aggressive price undercutting of any competition, the Krabby Patty quickly became a sensation among the aquatic population.

Bikini Bottom residents, desperate for anything edible in the wake of the chum famine, swarmed to Krabs' humble food stand. What began as a simple operation soon blossomed into a fully established restaurant, and by the dawn of the 1960s, following the acquisition of a bankrupt retirement home, the Krusty Krab was officially founded. Plankton, reduced to irrelevance, watched in horror as one crab had not only survived the Great Chum Famine but thrived and profited off of it. Krabs, ever the opportunist, capitalised on the lingering hunger of the populace, employing aggressive marketing tactics, strategic price manipulation, and a firm refusal to offer employee benefits.

The sheer preposterousness that Krabs had somehow begat a multimillion-dollar franchise out of nowhere, and in the midst of financial turmoil was an insult too hefty for Plankton's microscopic gluteus maximus to bear. No matter how many marketing gimmicks he attempted, no matter how many times he began selling his own menu items under the rebrand of Now 50% Less Questionable!, nothing could undo the damage. Thus began Plankton's lifelong obsession with uncovering the Krabby Patty secret formula, an elusive recipe that, unbeknownst to him, originated from something far closer to home, something more reprehensible and white lightning-inspired than he could have ever initially pictured.

An important message from the man who once allegedly charged his own employees for breathing.

Present day

The man, the myth, the millionaire – Eugene H. Krabs – remains a towering figure in the fast-food business, a symbol of ruthless efficiency, and a cautionary tale for labour rights activists. Now well into his 80s, Krabs continues to oversee the Krusty Krab Empire from his office – an upcycled janitor's closet containing a chest full to the brim with gold, a string of international maritime flags on his wall whose meaning remains ambiguous, and a state-of-the-art surveillance system designed specifically to detect any glimpse of Squidward sleeping at the till. With as recently as 2025, Krabs' business ventures have expanded beyond the realm of fast food. He has successfully launched:

• KrustyCoin™, the first underwater cryptocurrency, backed by physical doubloons stored in his mattress. Unfortunately, its value plummeted when investors realised they could not withdraw any of their funds without passing an elaborate 200-question loyalty test meticulously devised to repel patrons from demanding refunds to his face.
• The Krusty Krab Streaming Service, where for $299.99 a week, subscribers can watch 24/7 security footage of SpongeBob mopping the floor. Oddly enough, it has amassed somewhat of a loyal fanbase in the avant-garde cinema community.
• Chumbase, an AI-generated social media platform that auto-blocks anyone who dares criticise the Krusty Krab's wage policies. It is because of this that Chumbase has not performed particularly well in financial markets, as its userbase consists solely of Eugene Krabs, a few paid interns, and an army of spam bots programmed to reply to negative comments with "The money is always right!"

Despite his immense wealth, Krabs maintains his reputation for fiscal responsibility – or as critics call it, "hoarding money like a demented dragon". When asked why he still insists on personally handling the restaurant's cash register, in lieu of switching to a more modern alternative, he responded in a 2007 interview: "I don't trust banks, I don't trust wallets, and you can bet me barnacles that I don't trust you!"

Personal life

As for his personal life, Krabs resides in a distinguishably anchor-shaped abode at 3451 Anchor Way as the loving, if entirely baffling, adoptive father of Pearl, raising her with a unique blend of tough love, financial lectures, and an iron-clad refusal to fund any purchase over $5. His daughter currently remains blissfully unaware that she is not just the heir to his capitalist empire, but also the inevitable "secret formula" once his current stock runs dry. Until then, he continues to shower her with the finest discount-bin luxuries money can buy, from second-hand prom dresses to half-eaten kelp fries. Despite his tight grip on his wallet, Krabs insist it all comes from a place of love, or at least a tax loophole, assuming he even pays taxes. Whether Pearl ever uncovers the true nature of her inheritance remains to be seen, but for now, she enjoys her youth, in complete oblivion to the fine print in her existence.

See also

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