American (species)
- For other uses, see American
| Americaners | |
|---|---|
 This lizard is similar to Americans in many ways: It's cold-blooded, requiring vast amounts of energy to move about; it voted for Reagan in 1980; and, as you can clearly see, it's very patriotic. | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Order | Primates |
| Superfamily | Hominoidea |
| Family | Hominidae |
| Subfamily | Hominoidea |
| Tribe | Hominini |
| Genus | Homo |
| Species | H. americanus |
| Subspecies | |
The American, scientific name Homo americanus, is a species of the homo genus found predominantly in the United States of America. Americans are primarily detritivores, but they are not above eating their own young. Its average body size ranges from anorexic to obese, depending on the subspecies. Populations are densest in the areas described by scientists as "cultural black holes", such as Los Angeles, Las Vegas, New York City, and Miami.
Scientists are at a loss as to describe the ecological niche of Americans (currently, they are classified as parasites), but one biologist[who?] described Americans as "the tumors of the animal world".
Evolution
The species H. americanus did not always comprise the dominant species on the North American continent. Originally, North America was populated by the now possibly extinct members of the H. indigenous species—also called "Native Americans", "American Indians", "Indigenous Americans" ... not that it matters what you call them because they will get offended anyways. The current species of Americans evolved from a small population of Europus emigratus that was accidentally transplanted en route during a routine quixotic search for gold. Using genetic analysis, scientists have been able to deduce the full bloodcurdling story.
At first, the transient H. emigratus fared poorly, and relied on cooperation with the natives in order to survive. During this time, it would seem that the natives did not view the newcomers as a threat, even holding Tupperware parties with them (the following years saw a booming market in plastics). This time of peace did not last long, however, as the Europeans asserted the most formidable adaptions evolution had armed them with: ballroom dancing and portrait painting. Through savvy use of these potent weapons, they easily crushed the natives' own adaptions of rain dances and abstract art, and forever cemented their reputation as an invasive species. Over the next 200 years, H. emigratus split off to form the H. americanus species and lost these invaluable abilities (they have since been replaced with square dancing and grafitti).
Americans today find themselves threatened by newcomers, unable to fend off the undocumented immigrant's (Mesoamericanus emigratus) superior adaptions of salsa dancing and mural painting.
Major subspecies
There are numerous subspecies of American. For the sake of brevity, only the most common types will be described.
Obese American
The most common subspecies of American, H. a. fatassus, mostly inhabits cities like Houston and Chicago. It is often seen gathered around fast-food joints, and is easily recognizable because it is the most MASSIVE of all the subspecies.
A. fatassus is a parasitic omnivore, and it uses its lobes of fat to suck the ambient life force out of the surrounding environment. The obese American will eat anything, so long as it is sandwiched in a burger bun or taco shell. It eats in large volumes, and stores the fat in sacs that give it its MASSIVE appearance. It saves the stored energy in case it has to do something strenuous, like walking ten feet. Its two-ton body is, in many cases, too heavy to move without aid, and so it relies on SUVs to carry itself around.
Males and females are indistinguishable, because rolls of fat block the genitals from view. Further confusing gender identification are the man-boobs seen on the male's chest.
- Warning: Obese Americans, like plastic bags, must not be left near children unsupervised. Children may be stepped on, sat on, or become hopelessly entangled in their rolls of fat. Infants especially must be kept away, as direct contact with the obese's fat lobes will instantly snuff the life force out of them.
Ruby-throated American
H. a. ignotus makes its home primarily south of the Mason-Dixon line. It is commonly called the "red-neck"; however, this term has fallen out of use with scientists, who now prefer the gentler-sounding ruby-throated American. H. a. ignotus typically has a porky build and it is the second largest subspecies of American, often mistaken for the H. a. fatassus by American-watchers. Its preferred foods include squirres, rattlesnakes, vittels, and fried chicken. In times of scarcity, they have been known to eat dogs and children, though as a testament to their "family values", they rarely eat their own children, mainly others'.
Such Americans are of little threat without additional armaments, as their teeth are generally missing due to drunken NASCAR-induced fistfights, and their drug-induced crazes usually preclude any consistent muscle movement. This type of American is known to favor shotguns, cans of cheap beer, and large dogs (as well as other instruments traditional to the mating practices of the ruby-throated American) to defend its territory. Ruby-throated Americans have developed a primitive language, though scientists have yet to decode its meaning (see Boomhauer).
The ruby-throated American mainly inhabits trailer parks, although it may also be observed in the damaged part of any suburban neighborhood. The subspecies can be identified by its prominent display of the Confederate flag. These flags serve to warn predators that the ruby-throated American's flesh is poisonous. Any animal that eats its flesh will suffer from excruciating indigestion, acid-reflux, and rapidly developing lung cancer. This subspecies of American thinks independently, and tends to accept everything its leader says as factual without question.
- Warning: The ruby-throated American is most dangerous American. It is a danger to both itself and others, with "other" mainly being gays, Jews, H. a. africanus, liberals, and you.
Black American
H. a. africanus, or the black American, inhabits large portions of the US, although it does not exist in Alaska, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, or Maine and is very sparse in Texas. The black American is an omnivore and consumes hip-hop and "bitches", a type of vegetable native to the US. The subspecies can be identified by their display of the race card, which warns would-be predators that they are an oppressed minority, and attacking them will result in a public condemnation from the Al Sharpton. This defensive mechanism is highly effective, with studies showing that the Al Sharpton successfully prevents 95% of racism.
Middle-class American
Another prevalent subspecies, H. a. mediocres (common name "middle-class American" or simply "middle American"), mainly inhabits the suburbs, although it can be spotted migrating to warmer parts of the planet during the weekend and holidays. H. a. mediocres, like its relative H. a. fatassus does eat fast food, but it primarily eats loans, mortgages, and useless consumer products. Unlike H. a. patricianions, the middle-class American does not store money for the economic wintertime it rather eats it "now rather than later". As a result, middle Americans are the first to start complaining whenever the economic wintertime begins or interest rates go up.
Black middle-class American
The black middle-class American, H. a. mediocres × H. a. negros, is a hybrid of the middle-class American and the Black American. Like most intraspecific hybrid's offspring, it is unable to reproduce, which accounts for its extremely low population. It is it is rare enough for some scientists to believe it dosen't exist and consider it to be a mythical entity like the Sasquatch or Loch Ness Monster. Although occasional sightings of black middle-class Americans are reported, no conclusive evidence of its existence has ever emerged.
If the black middle-class American did exist, it would revolutionize the way Black Americans are thought of by scientists. Unfortunately, since they are not proven to exist, scientists conclude that all Black Americans live in ghettos and enjoy hip-hop.
Rich American
H. a. patrician, or the rich American, is less common than the other subspecies, but it makes up for it by being a leader for for them. It is able to do whatever it pleases, for example: if one wants to live in one of Drake's houses, he is required to oblige.
The rich American is omnivorous and eats any food it can get, but it is particularly fond of the flesh, blood, and bones of the H. a. mediocres and H. a. unofficimmigratus. The rich American is also very territorial, and regularly claims and invades foreign territories. Individual rich mericans also maintain fairly large personal territories, in the form of vacation mansions and the Bahamas.
Celebrity American
The H. a. celebritus' primary habitat is Hollywood, and occasionally Miami. The celebrity is a dietovore, with its main food being TrimSpa, the South Beach diet, and the Atkins diet. It is a compulsively fashionable creature and only pimps the latest charities and humanitarian aid efforts.
The H. a. celebritus bears similarities to both the rich American (H. a. patrician) and the British nobility (Britannia patrician). If you sucked the latter's brains out and gave them breast augmentation surgery, they would be identical to celebrities. H. a. celebritus is generally considered bothe the most "atractive" subspecies, but also the second dumbest (see Paris Hilton).
Pictures of celebrities are very rare – no one ever seems to have a camera when they're around.
Undocumented immigrant
H. a. unofficimmigratus, or the undocumented immigrant American, is a transition subspecies, in the process of evolving from Mesoamericanus emigratus into a true member of the H. americanus species. The undocumented immigrant American primarily subsists off of whatever tidbits rich Americans throw at it. It lives wherever there are jobs other Americans do not want to do.
Though scientists are excited at the prospect of a living "transition subspecies", they caution that it will take several million more years before H. a. unofficimmigratus evolves into a full American (because this is totally how evolution works).
Detection and eradication
Americans are considered to be dangerous invasive species. They have been known to wipe out whole ecosystems of native flora and fauna. Unfortunately, once established, it can be difficult to get rid of them. The following are a few suggestions towards eliminating an American invasion.
Detection
Ask yourself this: Have I seen any Americans lately? Even the presence of two or three Americans can lead to a whole flock of them coming and establishing themselves. (One American alone is not enough to cause worry. Two are necessary to reproduce. Or handle artillery.) Detection is fairly easy, because Americans in foreign countries always look like tourists.
Eradication
If you have detected an infestation of Americans in your homeland, get an industrial strength American repellant. (Look for labels like "contains highbrow elements" or "contains substances the state of California may possibly acknowledge as being vaguely carcinogenic". Either of these ingredients will send Americans fleeing in terror.)
Once Starbucks coffee shops appear, however, the American infestation is permanent. At this point, the most humane alternative is through capture and forced relocation. Capturing invading American hordes is fairly easy: simply place tourist traps in various locations, effectively detaining them in a controlled area. (For best results, bait such traps with trinkets, such as t-shirts, paperweights, and the occasional item of cultural value. All of them way overpriced, of course.) Eventually, they will relocate themselves (back into the U.S.) once they run out of money.
See also
- ↑ The aforementioned articles may contain user-generated content that some may deem offensive and objectionable. Uncyclopedia, the Uncyclomedia Foundation, and our partners are not responsible for the content posted therein.
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