“I'll take half!”
“I'll take the penis!”
“Paying alimony is like feeding molasses to a dead cow. ”
“She's kind of hot still, can I have a go?”
My Ex-Wife is a succubus and the biggest whore in North America. Besides charging money for sexual favors, she left me for another woman. This wouldn't bother me so much if the girl she was with wasn't my YOUNGER SISTER! I mean, there ought to be a LAW or something, right?
Oh yeah, she almost managed to screw up our three kids. Our oldest, Timothy... He's wearing a dress, dear. A bra and panties too. How do I know? Just because I only get them once a week doesn't mean I don't LOOK in their luggage. You probably think this is OK, but it's not. And BTW, I don't really give a damn if the brat got mad at me for snooping. And yes, go ahead! Tell your lawyer. I've got a lawyer too. Just because he can't wriggle me out of alimony right now, doesn't make this alright!
And Joanne? The girl is 11. What the hell does she need with a cell phone? I'm not paying for that crap. Tell the judge whatever you want. You're not getting any more money from me so an 11 year old can avoid running out of minutes every month. Why does she need to talk so much and make a million text messages a day? I paid $4000 a month for that damn cell phone bill and I'll be damned if I will pay any more. And try to make her wear a skirt that goes *BELOW* her knees! Jesus...
My ex-wife is in hot love with your mom. Well, fine. I hope he's... um, she's happy.
History[edit | edit source]
The history of My Ex-Wife started with our marriage. That was when she weighed 120 lbs. Within a few months, she was constantly eating chocolates and went up to 300 lbs. This sordid tale did not end until her thighs were rubbing together like two teenagers in the back seat at a drive-in. The food bills almost put me in bankruptcy, she was like a vacuum cleaner with teeth when it came to food.
The sexual exploits of My Ex-Wife ended with the birth of our last child. That is to say, the sexual exploits that involved me. It was also the last time she cooked or cleaned anything.
The divorce was triggered by me uttering the following six words: 'Why don't you get a job?'
She then served me with the papers the next day and found a career walking the streets.
What she got[edit | edit source]
- The kids
- The money
- The car
- The house
- The boat
- The big screen TV
- The stereo
- The entertainment system
- The Playstation 3
- The XBox 360
- The broken down Ford Pinto
- The cement blocks the Pinto had been sitting on
- My 401K and IRA accounts
- That $3000 $*&@!# timeshare in Arizona that I never wanted to buy
- My Dignity
- My clothes
- My testicles
- My money
- My sperm
- The Unauthorized Biography of Adam Sandler
- My Lesbian porn collection
- 60% of my paycheck
- My welfare checks
- My I-phone
What she didn't get[edit | edit source]
- The mattress the cat keeps spraying on
- The cat
- The cat the mattress keeps spraying on
- The microwave that doesn't work right
- Crabs...oops sorry that was me
- The massive credit card bills she rang up under my name, $120,000 worth. All for food or lesbian gifts to her lesbian friends.
- The hospital bill from the heart attack she gave me
- The hospital bill from the time she attacked my heart
- A cardboard box
What she left me with as well[edit | edit source]
- A prime spot on the sidewalk in Skid Row
- Without a tea-bag to my name.
- A bad credit rating due to her many bounced checks.
- Eternal regret
What she doesn't know[edit | edit source]
- The cat is pregnant My EX little sister (that's right, your very own stupid MOTHER) wants to huff all the kittens. I'm going to let her. So don't cry uncle, ok?
- That TV show you're going to be on in Chicago? It's Jerry Springer. You just wait!
- I told the FBI. They know everything. They were very interested. So was the IRS.
- That photo on the right? That's my NEW girlfriend. Think it looks like Angelina Jolie? It is. We're dating. It's nice to be with somebody skinny for a change. Oh yeah, she's WAY into oral sex, too. You only know about that with different plumbing, don't you?
- We Fundamentalist Christians are passing Proposition 592 so that gay couples cannot adopt or take care of kids anymore. Which means I will get sole custody of our kids as my ex-wife and her lesbian lover cannot legally take care of kids anymore.
- My lawyer says that due to her street walking not only will she be put in jail, but be seen as an unfit mother. When she is in jail, she cannot get alimony.
Who she slept with[edit | edit source]
(This list has been deleted by the Uncyclopedia staff for the sake of saving bandwidth.)
What the kids think[edit | edit source]
The kids don't think. They're kids. They've been ingratiated to believe by the ... err, pubic... school system that gay marriage is an alright and acceptable lifestyle. You just wait until I convince the judge that it isn't. You can kiss that support money byeee byeee!
The one who thinks least is our youngest son, Jason. He's never going to lift the seat unless you show him, honey. That's what boys do. They DON'T think about it. Understand? How are you gonna show him the right way to pee? Everybody in your house has to sit; including Timothy! (thanks to you!!!)
The kids have been brainwashed by your lesbian liberal agenda, while they stay with me I'll put them through Christian Deprogramming and they'll become Fundamentalist Christians who don't believe in gay marriage and then I'll turn them against you. That public school you put them in has turned them into liberal brainwashed vegans and they joined PETA, Greenpeace, and other left-wing organizations, and keep telling me I have the wrong light bulbs and other liberal crap. I am going to hire R. Lee Ermey to put them in Neocon Bootcamp so they can have this liberal nonsense wiped out of their heads.
What the church thinks[edit | edit source]
I already talked to Father Fitzpatrick. You're not allowed to take communion anymore, honey. That's right, you've been excommunicated. The pope doesn't approve of this kind of stuff. Remember how you always said I was going to hell 'cuz I wasn't Catholic? Well, you are Catholic and they've got a nice spot reserved down there for you and sis. HA HA HA!
What the neighbors think[edit | edit source]
Oh yeah... Spousal support DOESN'T mean that I have to cut the lawn anymore. If you or the dyke don't get that grass under 6", the city's gonna give you a $200 fine. You remember six inches, don't you sweetie? That's HALF the size of that fake thing my sister has to wear. Only, IT AIN'T REAL!!!
What the rest of the family thinks[edit | edit source]
Too bad sis... Mom said you can't come for Christmas anymore. You know, the only day of the year when I get the kids and have to remove all that mush from their brains. It's just me and *MY* children. That's right, *MY* kids. Your nieces and nephews. Don't think you're their mom; you're not. Oh yeah, dad says he knew about your "lifestyle" a *LONG* time before you came out of the closet. You never really fooled anybody, you know. Oh yeah, and we're just a bunch of hillbillies. But then again, you already knew that, eh?
Fun Facts[edit | edit source]
- I got pictures of her and sis doing the wild thing
- I'm gonna post them on an internet site for money.
- Working under the table screws her *AND* the IRS.
- Dad wrote them both out of the will
- The cars is losing compression and is getting ready to blow a head gasket. I can't wait to see the dyke fix it.
- The subprime loan she and sis used to buy their trailor was from WaMU. Time to start renting again!
- Next month, all her mail is getting forwarded to Alaska.