CIS: Confederacy of Idiot Shitheads
“...Who?....What?”
“We were up at strange hours, they kept changing the script every 10 minutes, and Sev'rance was a complete bitch off stage.”
“Hey its just NCIS without the N!”
CIS: Confederacy of Idiot Shitheads (also known as CIS: New Jersey and also abbreviated as CIS) is a hit police drama television series that aired from 2002 to 2005. However, by "hit" we mean that parents would punish their children by hitting them on the head with a CIS DVD case. The show was notable for its use of droids, clones, Jedi, lasers, 'splosions, Southerners, and of course, shitheads.
History[edit | edit source]
After the failure of sitcoms like Two and a Half Wookies, and How I Met Your Master, George Lucas and Tyber Zann searched for a new idea for a show that would make them more money. Searching for characters that they hadn't over-milked, Lucas and Zann eventually came across several characters who made 10 second cameos in episode 2 , and slapped them into a cop show setting.
In the frist season, the characters mostly solved crimes that they themselves committed. There was even a 5 episode story arc that centered on Nute Gunray searching for his missing socks. Occasionally the CIS would battle their arch enemies the Jedi, evil cultists who sought to keep peace, bring balance to the force, and other fiendish plots. The 3rd and 4th seasons, in an effort to to appease Republican audiences, concentrated on stem cell research, and how it should not happen. There was even a 30 episode story arc called "The Clone Wars", in which the CIS battled a green donkey named Jackass, and his army of spider-man clones.
But fortunately, it was not to last, for in the fourth season, the show was down to five viewers, plummeting from its all time high of six. After actually taking a look at the ratings for the first time, the producers gave the series a cheap ending, in which everyone was killed by the emo terrorist Anakin Skywalker. The show's end was then celebratedby everyone, ecspecially those who worked on it.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Count Dooku[edit | edit source]
The team leader of the show who immigrated from Middle Earth, after getting his but kicked by some talking trees. He rarely does any work himself, since he's often too busy "training" his dozens of apprentices, 80% of whom are young, easily manipulated females. The other 20% are when he wants to try something new.
General Grievous[edit | edit source]
Field agent and Cadaver dog, Grievous was the main character of the series up until the end. Due to the extreme stress that he worked under, Grievous took up smoking, and was up to 12 packs a day by the start of Season 2. The habit had caused his distinct cough, which then caused fans to demand more smoking from him.
Asajj Ventress[edit | edit source]
A bald, gothic, vampire ninja who was apparently female. Sort of. Maybe. A deadly fighter, Ventress killed many with her lightsabers, and many more with her dangerous driving (which perhaps proves she's female. Perhaps). She also excelled in stealth, genocide, and being creepy.
Durge[edit | edit source]
An armor-clad bubble gum monster who is seemingly unkillable. With an array of weaponry, super-strength, and regenerative abilities, his only weakness was Obi-Wan Kenobi. Durge eventually met his demise when Anakin used the Force to hurl him into a sun.
Sev'rance Tann[edit | edit source]
An overgrown demon smurf who was unique because she was one of the few characters who was not a complete shithead. Unfortunately, she got into some "contract disputes" with the producers (aka wanted more money) so her character was killed off at the end of season one.
Darth Sidious[edit | edit source]
The boss of the CIS, whose main purpose was to belittle the rest of the cast. Too rich and lazy to leave his house, he communicated with the team through holograms, E-mails, and shouting really loudly. It should be noted that he was the only character who did not die at the end of the series. Speculation would arise, if anyone actually cared.
Jango Fett[edit | edit source]
An armour clad bounty hunter who was so vain and narcissitic, he cloned himself 50 million times, so he could always look at himself wherever he went. When Jango wasn't hunting Bounty Paper Towels, he'd be abusing his son Boba by using him for target practice. Instantly hated by both fans and writters alike, he was killed off early on by some black guy selling Windex.
Nute Gunray[edit | edit source]
A Jewish frogman who generated 95% of the bitching in any given episode. Capable of buying massive armies, his only weakness was 9-year old junkyard slaves and hot female Queens and Senators.
Wat Tambor[edit | edit source]
Another frogman, who served as the team's tech wiz and computer geek. Cursed with extreme asthma, Tambor must walk around in special inhaler armour 24-7. As his name suggests, he is also good at playing the tamborine.
San Hill[edit | edit source]
A deformed cone-head who, despite wearing dress, screaming like a girl, and watching Will and Grace, is not gay. Acting as the team's ME, he had to work blindfolded since he was sensitive to the sight of blood. Possessing mighty banking powers, he can crush foes with his high interest loans.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Haha. Funny Joke.
DVD Release[edit | edit source]
After finding some Chinese workers who were not opressed enough, DVDs of all four seasons of CIS were produced. Today, DVDs of the show can be found through much excavation in Mexican movie rental stores. Actual viewing of said discs, is a high health risk, and should only be done to make sure they weren't taped over. The discs that were not stomped on by their owners are most often used as frisbees, or mirrors.
