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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

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Holonet Live

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
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Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
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The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • *DMV* - the TV show, not the actual DMV. It ended on a cliffhanger: Everyone was still waiting for their number to be called. • Mr. Strickland

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Did you know...

From Ewokpedia's wisest Jedi:

... that Margaret Thatcher (Pictured) died thirty years too late?

... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?

Is it in the Archives...

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?