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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

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Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed

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Did you know...

From Ewokpedia's wisest Jedi:

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that you just lost the Game?

Is it in the Archives...

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?