Why?:Does Christopher Meloni not have an emmy yet?
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Why?: Does Christopher Meloni not have an Emmy yet? is a somewhat supernatural phenomenon that has been around since the late 90's. Nobody can seem to explain it, and some even deny its reality. The most shocking of these deniers is the Academy of Art and Television Sciences whom seem to dodge every penetrating question on the subject. Thus it remains a constant question every fall during the Primetime Emmy Awards: Why?: Does Christopher Meloni not have an Emmy yet?
The Phenomenon
Every year it seems to happen, usually around early September during the Primetime Emmy Awards. In the nominations for Best Male Leading Actor in a Drama Series, the award always goes to someone other than Christopher Meloni. Why is this? Christopher does an excellent job as the edgy "bend the rules for progress" investigative detective on the hit NBC show Law and Order Special Victims Unit. Instead the award always goes to somebody on the Sopranos, a show about Italian mobsters who sing opera while they murder people. Maybe it goes to some guy from ER, or from some other prime time male lead drama actor who simply does not deserve this accolade over Meloni. After all, he is the only believable character on the show. Everyone else treats rape like it's their job, but he actually treats rape like it's rape. But no, they'd rather give the Primetime Emmy Award for Best Lead Male in a Drama Series to Al Gore for "An Inconvenient Truth"! Sometimes Meloni isn't even nominated! Many researchers, media specialists, actors, writers, viewers, and clergy members have tried to figure out how this phenomenon can continue in a civilized artistic world.
Conspiracy Theories
Some people believe that the Academy has some sort of vendetta against Meloni. Nobody is exactly sure what this vendetta could be. It could have something to do with Meloni refusing to host the Primetime Emmy Awards at one point and thus forcing the Academy to enlist B-grade hosts, or maybe it's just the fact that Meloni is versatile with acting genres. He is already set to be in the hilarious teen comedy You Got Served 2: Dancing at the Dairy Mart and plays a leading role in the slasher flick I Know That He Knows That I Knew That His Cousin Kind Of Had A Suspicion That His Uncle Tommy Had A Strong Feeling That She Knew What I Did To Your Unsuspecting Kind Of Dimwitted Second Cousin Gerald Whom Is Also A Prime Suspect In What I Did Last Summer. To be fair, though, critics have repeatedly pointed out that the previous films in the series were superior, generally highlighting the second film in the series as the best.
Some believe that the Academy doesn't like Meloni because there is no controversy surrounding him off of the set. After all, the Academy loves to give Emmys to controversial shows and actors. Just look at Kiefer Sutherland, who was pulled over for winking at DUI and then arrested in Hollywood for torturing 301 sheep and perennial nobody Richard Belzer in broad daylight on Hollywood Boulevard when the law clearly only allows 300. Meloni, though, is both awesome and a good father and husband. According to the First Law of Controversy, there is no reason to give him an Emmy. The man already lives a happy life, unlike the other members of the Academy who all take Zoloft with alcohol before they go to bed at night.
Another, more strange conspiracy theory is that the Academy has some sort of preference for the Sopranos. They don't watch the show, but they just vote for the Sopranos because they are the Sopranos and they are afraid that if they don't vote for the Sopranos Tony Soprano will come and whack them off! (Get your mind out of the gutter.) This has left Meloni Emmyless on a number of occasions as the barrel-scraping Academy gives extras on the Sopranos the Emmys that were rightfully his. HE NEEDS A EMMY ...
Other commentators say that Meloni's time in the wonderful world of Oz has hurt his Emmy chances. The Academy was not pleased with Meloni's willingess to do several nude scenes, including one that shamed everyone on the Academy Emmy Voting board and (more than likely) Tony Soprano. During Meloni's time on Oz, Tony Schaloub of the Emmy ridden show Monk began to spread false rumors that Meloni was mentally unstable and had tried to "shank" him at one point. After some thorough investigative work, ironically by Meloni himself, these allegations were found to be false. The Academy of Television publicly apologized to Meloni by giving Schaloub an Emmy.
Meloni's Reaction
Meloni, despite the obvious injustice of these bewildering decisions, has stayed rather calm about the entire situation. He credits this to his constant consumption of green tea. However, 2003 saw Meloni throw somewhat of a hissy fit after losing once again and beating up Emmy winner Jerry Seinfeld with an award statue. Meloni calmed down after some intervention from Ice T, who helped Meloni come to his senses by hitting him on the back of the head with a plastic chair and then trying to suffocate him with a pillow...prison style. Ice T then gave Meloni some green tea and everything was cool. Seinfeld was so out of it after the beating he went on to make Bee Movie. Meloni's attitude towards being snubbed year after year has become so famous that rapper Chamillionaire referenced it during a rap. We at Uncyclopedia are more white than sour cream, so we don't listen to rap music. As a result, we have no idea what Chamillionaire actually said. However, a reliable source informed us that it has something to do with banging hoes or something of that nature. The point is that Christopher Meloni deserves an Emmy. The other point is that Meloni is so awesome that he doesn't even care that the Academy and the Sopranos have thoroughly plotted out a way to destroy his hopes of ever winning one. Bastards.
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