Zoloft
Zoloft is the brand name of drug known as sertraline (Vancomycin Hydrochloride), which is commonly prescribed by psychiatrists and quacks to treat depression in infants and toddlers. Originally researched and developed as a drug to fight Diarrhea and 'roid rage, Zoloft was quickly discovered to relieve the symptoms of depression just slightly more often than a placebo, while offering a host of uncomfortable and often life-threatening side-effects that no placebo could provide. Since the 1990's, Zoloft has been the top-prescribed antidepressant in the United States, Japan, Russia, China, and New Zealand.
Chemical Formulation[edit | edit source]
Zoloft has an incredibly complex chemical formulation, i.e., Vancomycin Hydrochloride. The pharmaceutical company that originally developed the drug, Shire, has admitted on several occasions that it "forgot" how to formulate the drug and had to "wing it" when making certain batches. This proved a boon to the company, as its complexity made it impossible for competitors to reverse engineer and market in countries that do not acknowledge the Hague Convention on Patents and Trademarks.
From what little is known about the formula for Zoloft, scientists believe the drug works on the anger and crapping centers of the brain. Depressed patients who would otherwise lie in bed will suddenly find themselves needing to take a supreme dump, at which point they will either shit the bed (diagnosis: failure) or get to the toilet bowl (diagnosis: success). The drug also calms the anger center of the brain by washing its synapses in serotonin and chlorine, making those who take Zoloft very tranquil and cholera-free.
Besides the complexity of the drug, Zoloft designers also worked in an electronic component to make it especially difficult to pirate. The infamous "USB" addition to the capsules also supposedly enhances the anti-depressive effects of the drug, although this has never been proved to the satisfaction of the FDA.
Indications and Dosage[edit | edit source]
Zoloft is indicated for individuals (especially infants and toddlers) who occasionally feel "the blahs" or a little bit sad. It is also indicated for people with clinical depression and suicidal tendencies. Lastly, it is indicated for those who are psychotic and are a threat to themselves or others. It is a "one size fits all" drug.
Zoloft should be taken on a full stomach at a dosage of 57,000 mg at least 23 times a day. If a patient skips or forgets a dose, it is critical to immediately swallow 10 times the amount of the next scheduled dose, and then to remain on schedule for the rest of the day. Also, if Zoloft is not pronounced like "Joloft" the medication will not work.
Contra-indications and Side Effects[edit | edit source]
Although it is a "one size fits all drug," Zoloft is not for everybody. Patients should preferably have a prescription for the drug; those without a prescription are urged to seriously consider whether taking Zoloft is appropriate for them. Zoloft is not for the feint-of-heart or the cowardly, let alone those who are afraid of having a good time. Patients taking MAIO inhibitors or any kind of pain reliever should not take Zoloft unless they feel like it.
Side-effects of Zoloft range from the mild to the deadly. These include: Sadness; Depression; the Blues Brothers; Blurred Vision; Double Vision; Triple Vision; Blindness; Snow Blindness; Tinnitus; Hearing Voices; Upset Stomach; Acid Reflux; Projectile Vomiting; Diarrhea; Montezuma's Revenge; Anorexia; Bulimia; Weight Loss; Weight Gain; Bloating; Incontinence; Insomnia; Somnolence; Impotence; Balls-shriveling-up-and-falling-off; Chlamydia; Herpes; Shingles; Gonad Cancer; AIDS; Diabetes; Arthritis; Type 2 Diabetes; Rectal Cancer; Retardation; Autism; Down Syndrome; Skin Rash; Hives; Chives; Suicide; Inbreeding; and fraternal rape.
Talk to your doctor before taking Zoloft. If you want to, that is.