Guitar

A typical beginner. Note the power of the guitar is forcing the hair away from the head. It is common for many guitarists to become bald later in life due to this phenomenon.

“*TWANG*”

~ Orville Gibson on his guitar

The guitar is a strange stringed instrument, used in many sorts of popular music such as metal, rock, blues, country, polka, and disco. A guitar typically has six strings but can come in 7, 8, 12, 27, 42, and 1 string constructions (if you're Jack White). Guitars are usually constructed from various combinations of wood, metal, rock, flesh, bone, plastic, air, and Keith Richards' Dad's ashes.

Early History of the Guitar

See what I said?

“Before twenty centuries after the birth of Christ have passed, a dark form of music shall arise. Pounding thumps, never ending. The perpetrators of this dark noise shall speak in tongues, and possess the vocal skills of a banshee.”

~ Nostradamus on Music, or a vision of Guns 'n Roses

As historical evidence shows Nostradamus saw the fate of music. His surprisingly accurate predictions led Nostradamus to contact the local artificers. He talked to hundreds of carpenters and metalworkers, handing them pages of designs, early guitars no doubt, and babbling about a horrific vision of someone he called Lone Jane's large rear. The designs, warped and twisted, remained in circulation among the craftsmen long after Nostradamus' unexpected death. The designs were laughed at and drawn over many times, until one moment late in 1400's, an engineer and designer named Va Dinci came across the paper in his trash, and the mangled design intrigued him. He created the very first guitar.

Soon after this Va Dinci discovered that if played in a half-ass manner he would soon get laid. This led to later alterations by such musicians as The Beatles and The Doors and has consistently gotten the talent-less laid ever since.

The Guitar in More Recent Times

You can tell that The End is near. Verynear.

The guitar was played by Robert Johnson but became heavily popularised by Eric Clapton, who with a generation of artists including the legends Jimi Hendrix, Wes Borland, Mick Thompson, and That Black Guy From Fall Out Boy all got laid for no other apparent reason.

Gender in Guitar

The issue of gender in guitar history is a short and uninteresting one. Many female guitarists have existed through history but very few gain notoriety, dues to the fact they tend to look funny and cute with guitars, and are regarded as a kind of novelty. It is a commonly accepted fact that the guitar is a form of penis extension, therefore all female guitarists tend to be lesbians as they enjoy the feeling of wearing a rosewood and mahogany strapon.

A typical acoustic guitar. Can be found in the hands of almost any street hobo.

Types of Guitars

1. The Acoustic Guitar Typical played by your grandad, or some dick sat on a stool because he thinks he can sing. As such it can be used for:

• Folk music
• Rock ballads
• Contact with spirits
• Traffic heroin
• Deaf people

Any other use for this guitar (barring use as a weapon) are to be reported to the Local Authorities.

2. The Electric Guitar This guitar requires a ridiculously large and expensive amplifier to work correctly, and also must be practiced in a basement or else you won't be good. This type of guitar evidently is much cooler than others, because of the wide range of effects that can be purchased and used simultaneously to stimulate the ears. This guitar became the most popular type in medieval times due to the pure sexy look of the instrument. All electric guitars are the Gibson Les Paul Customs, although some have been cleverly redecorated to resemble less interesting instruments.

The 5 neck guitar is a very common guitar for many novices. One use: BLOCKING THE BASSIST FROM VIEW. Very useful.

3. The Air Guitar An Air guitar is an instrument made entirely of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and argon. Care is to be taken during use of an air guitar, you must be wary so as not to inhale the guitar. This guitar sounds the best while being played by <insert name here>, as it makes no noise whatsoever.

4. The Bass Guitar The bass guitar is very popular amongst teenagers who have little or no musical talent, and want to be in a band, and professional musicians who want to be recognized by fans as a distinctive and important member of the band. Bass Guitar is an ideal instrument for those not wishing to practice, or read music.

Guitar strings

This guit-air rifle is a classic example of innovative design, encompassing both weaponry and music

With the exception of guitars with no strings, every guitar in the world has at least one guitar string, and usually 6. Guitar strings can be made of a number of materials, including cat-gut and steel, whereas early guitar designs using razor wire and phlegm did not quite get the depth and feeling of deepness that guitarists strive for.

Cat-gut strings

Cat-gut strings are made from kitten guts, stretched out to near breaking point and then hardened with grue saliva. As a result, these strings give a feeling of pain and anguish whenever played, and often end up playing themselves backwards as part of a satanic ritual.

Steel strings

For most Blues, Country and other poor guitarists, this appears to be the only way that they can continue playing in a cruel world that just doesn't care. After all, their wife has left them, their dog has died, their hat has been stolen.

Gee strings

Usually used by big hair rockers, these strings actually improve the range of the guitarists singing voice, allowing them to hit the high G on the Barometric scale.

The Guitargasm

A trained professional inducing a Guitargasm via the "arrogance method".

The Guitargasm is a pure, raw, burst of inspiration and skill to a guitarist. The guitargasm comes in one of two forms. The raw form and the refined form.

1. Raw A raw Guitargasm is a rare sighting. It most often occurs during the most unlikely events.

Let's say... <Insert Name of Local Teenage rock band who seems to get gigs in every fucking pub every night> are doing a pretty poor rendition of your favourite Van Helen song, and you are tuning it out, then as the teenage guitarist with a head like a mop with a nose poking through tears into the solo, your head turns irresistibly towards the harmonic goodness, and for a second, you are at peace. The moment is then ruined when the singer sets himself on fire and throws up in your beer.

That is a natural, raw, Guitargasm.

2 Refined This is a Guitargasm that is induced by a professional (don't try this at home), who has practiced and huffed many kittens to get to his level of proficiency at the Guitargasm.

Such Guitargasms are characterised by a gradual buildup of power, and a warm feeling in the pit of one's gut as the trained guitarist gently, yet with unstoppable force, unleashes their power upon them.

Some Rituals

It takes 10 people to play this guitar!

As mentioned earlier, various, and usually copius amounts of, drugs and/or kittens will be taken/huffed in an attempt to increase ones stroking ability. Other rituals include:

1. Finger stretches. This is normally done with a tiny rack, with a small kitten in a black hood and bondage suit operating the machinery.
2. Make-up. Used in the Glam scene. This only used until they see how ridiculous they look.
3. Tuning the guitar. This is a rare ritual, usually not performed by indie musicians or Punk bands.
4. Picking up the guitar.
5. Radically overestimating the size of a gig
6. Playing guitar
7. Attempting to play other instruments
8. Saying phrases like "dude" and "d-uhude"

How to Play Guitar

Strum any combination of the following:

1) A chord

2) E minor chord

3) G chord

4) D chord

Note: the faster and louder you strum, the better you are. If you are able to break all of the strings during a performance you automatically win the Eurovision Song Contest.

The F Major Chord

It has been said by musical historians that the F Major chord was in fact invented in a time before human life existed on Earth, and thus it was structured in the haphazard and awkward way it is for use by octopuses exclusively. It's named F because of all the associated expletives often shouted by those attempting to learn to play it who are not blessed with 8 tentacles and independent neural networks in each, since this is generally considered to be necessary to adequately play it and keep one's sanity intact. Jimi Hendrix couldn't actually play an F and just used to keep a flock of 4 parrots inside the soundhole of his guitar to imitate one as he mimed it. This worked very well but it was quite difficult to get them in and out so extensive preparation was required before his performances, and in fact the F Major chord is said to be the primary factor behind his debilitating drug habit. Generally, it is better to avoid this chord at all costs and it is recommended to play piano instead.

Guitar Tunings

How not to play the guitar...

Besides the standard tuning prevalent among typical guitar novices, there exist an infinite number of alternate tunings. Many of these tunings have so far remained undiscovered. The holy grail for all guitar technicians is to find the so-called 'God tuning'. No-one knows what will happen at the exact point at which this goal is achieved, however some theories postulate that the universe will explode as soon as the first power chord is strummed.

Following are some common alternate tunings and their uses:

1. Drop D This tuning was first discovered by Limp Bizkit and remains in common use today by equally untalented 'metal' guitarists. This is the only known tuning in existence that allows the guitar to be played at ankle level.

2. Drop B This tuning is designed for guitarists who are too cheap to buy a real 7-string guitar and/or prefer the low E string to have the consistency of a strand of spaghetti. Bolognese sauce is optional.

3. Drop E This isn't actually a tuning but is something that some guitarists do before going on stage to maintain the concentration levels required for any chords consisting of more than 2 notes.

4. Open G This amazing, recently discovered tuning causes all chords strummed to sound a G Major chord. It is recommended for both one-armed and lazy guitarists.

5. Drop F# The E is dropped to a D and than the Guitar detuned, so that it sounds like a really distorted bass. Then it makes unpleasant noise. Slipknot, anyone??

6. DADGAD A weird tuning that nobody really uses, but Led Zeppelin used it on Kashmir so whatever it is it is badass

7. Standard BOOOOOOORRRIIIING

Guitar Effects

Effect pedals are devices that talent-less guitar players use to make up for a lack of finger tone. Some guitar players end up spending more time and money on buying pedals than actually playing the guitar.

Following are popular pedals:

1. Strymond Small Sky: The Strymond Small sky is a pedal that adds to much of every spatial effect to your guitars sound, this pedal is commonly used by guitarist that just never made in their 80s hair metal band and now play at churches.
2. MXR Phase 91: Only bands in 70s and 90s used these, Most people only buy these to try to sound like Eddie Van Halen or Curt Cobain and most people will end up on drugs and/or shooting themselves.
3. Boss Chorus C2 Wazzup: This pedal is exclussive to playing 80s music, you must have big poofy hair and dress like a woman to use this pedal as it had a dp69 circuit that will check if you have the hair or not.
4. Boss Super Duper heavy metal Distortion pedal for Metal hEadZ only: This pedal doesn't sound good there is no way to make it sound good.

Comprehensive List of People Who Play Guitar

She probably can't play guitar. However she is very entertaining with a guitar.

• Madonna
• (Not) Yngwie J. Malmsteen
• Eddie Van Halen
• Eric Clapton
• Angus Young
• Ritchie Blackmore
• Alexander Lifeson
• Johnny Ramone
• Hulk Hogan

If you are not on this list, then you don't play, you just think you can.

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