User:Budtard/Jesus-Sonic
Jesus-Sonic is the biological lovechild of Amy Rose and Black Jesus. Jesus-Sonic was the god of the Video Game realm, but he developed a crack addiction and wasn't the same since. Originally, he ran around, collecting yellow rings and defeating the bad guys, but Eggman developed a super-addictive cannabis drug which Jesus-Sonic couldn't resist. Thus, a crack addiction. Boo.
Amy Rose, his mother, was getting fucking pissed off since Sonic wouldn't agree to go out with her, for 3 whole years. After learning the Chaos Emeralds could be used for time travel, she went to some point around about 0 BC...or even a bit earlier. She then becames Jesus' love-slave, discovering he wasn't as holy and sin-less as some people think. More information is to come with Chuck Norris' claim on spotting Amy on the corner of Downing Street, London, dressed as a prostitute. Tikal the Echidna Spirit and Rouge the Bat, after becoming lesbian lovers, spied on Amy after Chuck Norris reported a pink-hedgehog shaped prostitute sighting in London, and they figured that Amy is really a man in disguise. No offense to American President George Bush here...of course the pair were depressed after figuring they couldn't invite her in a lesbian threesome.
Jesus-Sonic has been spotted recently in a bank heist, amounting to over 10 million rings, after meeting Uwe Boll and using him as a sidekick. Jesus-Tails was shortly reported missing afterwards. But who cares about him.
Jesus-Sonic's favourite pasttimes are staring into space, smoking bongs, looking at his dirty washing-up in the sink, and congregating with Uwe Boll. He's also been spotted eating too much pizza. But, he's a decendent of Jesus. So he can do what he wants. He also has a half brother, Satan-Shadow, whose father is Satan, as opposed to Original Jesus.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Jesus-Sonic was born in the year 12 B.C. in a Japanese sumo wrestling arena. It is thought that Amy was drunk while watching a sumo wrestling match and eating sugared pretzels, went into labour and dizzily walked onto the arena, giving birth to Jesus-Sonic. He grew up in Rome and studied in the Private College of Video Game Bastards and got a job as a carpenter, and sculpted a lot of statues, most of them looking like lesbian love scenes and female topless supermodels. After getting his degress in Southern Bastardville, Jesus-Sonic moved to Cuba in a giant shoe. As he moved his way up the property ladder, he owned things ranging from cardboard boxes, train stations, hostels and eventually he owned a few fruit stalls and moved into a mansion in England, California (like hell, who really knows where England is? It exists only in fairy tales.) and redecorated it. He plans on selling this property, and he also rents out some larger rooms to groups of female students, whom share body fluids, and do porno shoots pretty much every night. As the students enjoy their quite literally godly rented home, Jesus-Sonic works at the President's side as an immortal body guard. But Mr. Bush is too dim to actually recognise Jesus-Sonic, as he is repeatedly called "Reggie" by Mr. Bush.
See Also[edit | edit source]
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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