J. K. Rowling

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J. K. Rowling
J.K. Rowling, seen here ecstatic at the thought of signing more books
Born	July 31, 1965
Occupation	Feminazi, hack author
Years active	1997–present
Children	3

“I have nothing to declare but my limited edition Harry Potter wizard hat and glasses.”

~ A mad Harry Potter fan

“I’m Avada Kevadraing harder in Nevada taking a charter instead of Apparating while parched pardon the two parter while I dart past this death eater blasting apart this bastard Macbeth in the dark”

~ J.K. Rowling on her temporary rap career as fast rapper A.K. Growling

Just Kidding Rowling on the Floor Laughing Out Loud (born July 31, 1965) is a plagiarizing, wrinkly, old billionaire who created the Harry Potter books, which are popular with children, World of Warcraft players, and adults who still wear nappies. Coming from a poor background, she has risen to become the most powerful woman ever, adored by millions of devoted fans, e.g. drooling sycophants. If she's not in court suing someone for ironically making a stupid rip-off of her books, she's dreaming up more ways to make life a living hell for trans people.

With her complex plots, memorable characters, and detailed locations, she has captured the hearts and weak minds of readers all over the world. She keeps the captured hearts in a sealed, refrigerated vault two miles below her mansion. Nobody knows what she does with the minds. She certainly doesn't use any of them, that's for darn sure.

History

J.K. Rowling, hiding from her insane fans by using an ingenious disguise

J.K. was born in a scrapyard in Bristol, the seventh child in what eventually became a fifteen child family. From an early age, she demonstrated a lackluster talent for writing and wordplay, dubious talents that were of little use to her as she was expected to scavenge for old tin cans and tyres by the villainous scrapyard owner, a Mr. Henry Harper Collins. Protests by her family that she would be more efficient if she were able to selectively collect only the good tin cans were ignored. However, she was able to teach herself to read from the ingredients and nutrition information on the labels, and managed to convince a local high school to accept her, based on the quality of her humorous short story Red Kidney Beans in Sugared, Salted Water.

At the age of seventeen, Rowling discovered that she had been adopted and was really the secret love child of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R.R.R.R.R Tolkien, both authors are now turning in their graves. With this discovery she realised that she was indeed destined to write awful, by-the-numbers, plagarised fantasy novels and also to stop using her first name and replace it pretentious sounding initials instead.

In 2007 she donated seven hand-scrawled in purple crayon and blood books on Harry Potter to friends, insisting that they never be sold as they are unique. All her friends treasured their books until Rowling decided to order a massive print-run of each book on the market, thus upsetting all her friends.

She later went on to get a Desmond in French and Classics from Exeter University, which just goes to show that a Desmond isn't the career crippler that everybody says it is. It also demonstrates how easy these subjects are.

J.K. spent many formative years working for Amnesty International, an organization that makes people feel better about themselves by encouraging them to write nasty notes to African dictators. The organization discourages the entirely apt notion that such notes are most often used as toilet paper. In case anyone hasn't noticed, Voldemort and the Death Eaters share similar ideologies with many past and current dictatorships.

Happy Rotter, the boy who decayed joyfully

"AAAAAAAAA!" Rowling on her freaks fans.

Whilst traveling from Manchester to London, while claiming Job Seekers and as such activley looking for work (not on a shopping trip to London at the tax payers expense), J.K.'s train was attacked by Welsh bandits. They captured her and tied her to the train tracks, hoping to coerce her into revealing the twenty-one letters of the alphabet that weren't W, D, Y, L or F. It was during this ordeal that she first had the idea for Harry Potter, and as soon as she conceived of that thought, a large snowy owl appeared and drove the bandits away.

Still tied to the train tracks, she appealed to passers-by to help. But they all refused, fearing that they too would fall victim to the bandits, and hurried on their way. After four hours of being tied to the tracks, she had sketched out the basic Harry Potter "plot" line in her head, including Hagrid's death at the hands of Mrs. Weasley in book seven. (Spoiler warning!) Eventually, her cries were unfortunately heard by Robin of Bloomsbury, the hero of Sherwood, and he cut her loose. He also bought the publishing rights to Harry Potter for a handful of shiny pennies. He did warn her that there was no money in children's books, advising her to keep her day job of collecting wonky staples from offices and bending them back into shape.

However, he was quickly proved wrong, as the stupid Americans gave her a $100,000 cheque for Harry Potter. This cheque, as she later recalled, "almost killed me", mainly because it was made of solid lead and dropped on her from a great height at a bungled publicity event.

Other works

Shortly after the publication of the final Harry Potter book, Rowling announced she was working on a new series of books entitled Hairy Ballsack. The new books would follow a young pervert who is whisked away to Genitalwarts school of porn acting to star with other adult actors such as Hymen Granger and Ron Non Measly (also known as Man-Meat Ron) all under the watchful eye of various teachers including headmaster, Professor Fumblebuttocks.

Some critics accused Rowling of simply rewriting her own Harry Potter series, but these comments are unlikely to dent sales. The first novel, Hairy Ballsack & the 12-Inch Wand, will be published soon.

After running out of ideas for children's books, the author has a new book out: Vacant Vagina.

Newsflash

REUTERS -- The eighth and hopefully last book in the astoundingly and surprisingly successful Harry Potter series was released today, to almost universal scorn and outrage.

The book, which sees teenage witch Hermione explore her deviant sexuality with friend and schoolmate Ron, has been deemed "pornographic", "unbelievably foul" and "disturbing beyond belief". When interviewed, J.K. admitted that she had been given the idea from a fan's letter, and it had seemed like a good idea at the time to give Hermione "a good fucking rogering in the arse".

However, upon later reflecting on the completed work, Rowling admits that she "felt ill", and "vomited on an hourly basis". "I'm still not sure what came over me. It is as if the dark presence of Satan possessed me, turning Hermione into a deranged fuck-slut who craved nothing but anal sex and rim jobs from a bemused Ron."

When pressed on her future, Rowling lit a smoke, took a long drag and exhaled noisily before whispering "God has left me now. All that is left is the darkness."

Wealth

J.K. Rowling has denied affiliations with the Dark Arts or Scottish Widows. Or emerging, fully-grown and with fabulous hair, from the vagina of a giant panther.

J.K. is rich – even richer than the Queen. Filthy, stinking, unbelievably rich. She never goes anywhere by car, preferring to travel in a solid gold steam train fueled by insane fan mail. If there are no train tracks, she simply has them laid down and ripped up after she's gone. Her mansion contains six hundred bedrooms, four ballrooms, two concert halls, 3 amphitheaters, biogas plant, 5 concentration camps (for her enemies) nuclear reactor(which she uses to light he house's enormous needs, airport, 3 soccer stadiums, Hogwarts, a nuclear bomb shelter, a spaceport, a ballet school, a chamber of secrets, and an organic farm. The mansion does not, however, employ any cleaners, since anything that gets dirty or dusty is immediately thrown out and replaced, be it a wrought silver bathtub or a 15th Century cathedral organ. She not only has a large collection of Faberge Eggs, she also has a jeweller's workshop for making them and a furnace for melting them again.

38% of The United Kingdom is owned by J.K., excluding the Channel Islands and the Isle of Man, which she bought outright and gave to her children as rewards for good behavior. If she ever decided to buy Tesco, it is estimated that she would own more than 100% of Britain, triggering an ownership singularity which would result in her owning everything that currently exists, will exist or has existed.

Her husband earns about £100,000 a year, about the same amount that Rowling earns from dotting the 'i' in 'Hermione'.

Family

Rowling has given birth several times to several different children, but not in that order. Because their very existence delayed the release of new Harry Potter books, fans of her books cursed the days on which these children were born, but not with wizard curses, but with nerdy, fist-clenched mumbling-under the breath curses.

Her family currently lives in Edinburgh, Scotland. Her exact address is kept a secret by her secret keeper, the Queen of England. As an added security measure, the mansion itself is unplottable. This prevents rival authors, paparazzi, fundamentalists and people who know what a good book should be like from launching a full-scale invasion her home.

Mortal enemies

The DDDSNBK6 (JK47) assault rifle with fangirl-piercing ammunition

J.K. has many enemies, and has invested in her own private army, navy and air force to counter this threat. The J.K. Rowling Defence Force is currently rated the seventh best military in the world, just above Saudi Arabia and just below Israel. Her enemies include:

• Christians (who think she's a witch).
• Muslims who think she's a Christian (of which she is a fake one).
• Witches who think she's insulting their rather christian-like faith.
• The Grinch. He suspects she got the one up on him by stealing Christmas, Easter, and Valentine's Day.
• Insane fans who think Harry should have hooked up with Hermione, Draco, Hagrid, Buckbeak, Snape, the Sorting Hat, the Giant Squid or Dumbledore. And of course, those who think he should have hooked up with all of them.
• Insane fans who think it's all real, and can't bear the existence of a "so-called author".
• Fat people – she recently called them "too fat".
• Thin people – she recently called them "too thin".
• Other children's authors who know she's crap.
• The people at the staple-bending factory where she used to work. There is some overlap with the preceding entry.
• Terry Pratchett, who just hates her guts; however, he knows that his powers are less than hers.
• People who claim Albus Dumbledore is straight.
• Authors who can actually write decent stories.
• The four people who have more money than her.
• Her kids.
• All her friends.
• The entirety of the Chilean population.
• Fans of the Harry x Hermione shipping. We know you're out there.
• Neville x Luna shippers. Ninja, away!
• Ninjas themselves, as said above.
• Fred avengers. Basically, the whole world is her enemy.
• Osama Bin Laden ... Oh wait, that's not relevant anymore.
• Dick Cheney. Just because she called him a dick & he called her a filthy skank.
• George W. Bush. Need we say more?
• Tiger Woods, because he had a one night stand with her.
• The Joker ... or was it Yucko the Clown? Anyway, it was a night at the circus.
• J.R.R. Tolkein, from whom she stole the name and most of the fantasy premise. Of course, Tolkein had the last laugh when King Peter Jackson of New Zealand came along and made three vastly better films (about World of Warcraft) around about the same time as the first two Harry Potter film adaptations were being released
• People who are bad at reading, who say her books are too hard to understand.
• Ρολόι-επευφημίες ανθρώπους, οι οποίοι θα προτιμούσα να φτιάξει τη διάθεση για ένα δευτερόλεπτο το πρωί.
• The ART.
• Bloods and Crips.
• Mathematicians whom Rowling has insulted.
• Neil Gaiman, who has repeatedly asked her to stop sending him fanfiction.
• Definitely not trans people. She loves trans people! Stop calling her a TERF, misogynist! I repeat: she does not hate trans people. Even though she wrote a book about a crossdressing serial killer, she is not transphobic, so stop asking.
• Asians, because of Cho Chang. Two last names, seriously?
• Critics.

Supposed ascent into Heaven

In early 2007, prior to finishing the last Harry Potter book (Harry Potter and the Itchy Hob-goblin), J.K. Rowling fought back a crazed Dutch fan's allegations that she had ascended into heaven for a "one-on-one" with The Evil Snargluff, or "God". Hundreds of towns people from Hogsmeade, where it is believed JK Rowling lives, sided with JK Rowling after blatantly denying watching her rise gracefully into the clouds at approximately 11:03 AM on February 2nd, despite the Dutch fans recollections of the morning.

Factlets – facts for the smallminded

• J.K. Rowl$ing may have actually been created by Nancy Stufferface who wrote the popular "Parry Hotter" series.
• "Rowlin$g" is not pronounced to rhyme with "howling", but rather rhymes with "screaming your guts out".
• J.K. hasn't yet been attacked and eaten by an insane fan. But give it time ...
• J.K. Rowl$ing makes souffles for Terri Hatcher.
• J.K. presses a picture her mothers face against shop windows to amuse her friends. And herself.
• J.K. gets an annual cheque of around £18 million from BBC Children in Need.
• J.K. dislikes Ninjas, but is a great fan of pirates.
• J.K. is a DVD pirate herself. Rowarrrrrrrrghl$ing!
• J.K. Rowl$ing likes to have dollar signs in her name to remind herself of how rich she is.
• J.K. Rowl$ing is a die-hard fan of eighties' boy band The Smiths and Morrissey.
• J.K. Rowl$ing farts on command while drinking Guiness with the Queen.
• J.K. Rowling hates the Transsexual toy line.

Lawsuits

Rowling has been involved in a number of law suits and fist fights with regard to Harry Potter. One of the most famous being the time she sued the author of the Harry Potter fansite The Harry Potter Lexicon. The New York trial included much hissing, biting and cat-calling between JK Rowling and the site's owner.

Nancy Stuffer

In the late 1890s Nancy Stuffer, owner of a chain of children's homes founded in the Victorian era, alleged that Harry Potter was a child in one of her homes. This led to a vicious fight with Rowling as Stuffer got stuck in, having gone round late one night and put a couple of bricks through Rowling's windows. Rowling came out and they rolled about on the outside lawn exchanging punches. Stuffer alleged that Rowling used witchcraft to win the fight and that the details of Harry Potter similarly had been obtained by witchcraft. Anyway, the fight ended with Rowling sitting on Stuffer's chest. Stuffer was then taken away by the police, prosecuted for breaking the windows and sued by Rowling for not keeping off the grass. Later police found a large number of broomsticks in Stuffer's B&B, and she was burned as a witch.

Chinese Publishing House, Ta Yao Chen

Ta Yao Chen, an author who writes books for the Chinese Publishing House, wrote a Harry Potter book titled Harry Potter and the Get Rich Quick Scheme. They were immediately sued by Bloomsbury on behalf of Rowling for piracy. Chen resisted arrest, ordering his frigate to fire a full broadside. Rowling immediately ordered the ship's wizards to repair damage and for Christopher Little, the ship's chief quartermaster, to take out Chen's sails and start a boarding action with the Legal Marines. After the grappling Rowling then engaged a drawn out sword duel on the decks of JKR Navy Flagship, JRS Dumbledore. She eventually gained the upper hand and disarmed Chen. Then they burned his manuscript as a warning to others. The Navy vows to continue the fight against Chinese pirates.

Eskimo Publishers

In 2003 Rowling and her lawyers sued after Lapland World Distributors one Christmas handed out copies of Harry Potter and the Handkerchief of Bogies to every little child in the world, so to pay for her train, Rowling had had to immediately run off a sequel, in a deal with the publishing house using a time machine the parents were invoiced retrospectively if they wanted to keep the books and Rowling made more money than ever.

Lara Croft

Rowling had yet another lawsuit at the attempted pushling of Lara Croft and the Chamber of Secrets. Rowling sued Ms.Croft for plagiarism, claiming that croft had based the content of her book off of Rowling's own series. Croft's lawyers countered that "They're both women, both British; of course their books are going to be similar!". Rowling won the case, and Lara's story was rewritten and sold as a series of video games. While no one from the case could be reached for comment, sources say Rowling won "because the chick with the big tits wouldn't sleep with the judge." No word yet on the Indiana Jones and the Philosopher's Stone case.

Russell Grant

In 2003 the television astrologer Russell Grant attempted to sue Ms. Rowling over his claim that she had based the Harry Potter novels on his early life. Though the case was thrown out of court Russell later claimed to have placed a curse on Ms. Rowling that would result in her "p***ing turqoise" for the rest of her natural life.

J.K. Rowling is a stinking bitch. (Tell us something we don't know.)

Leisure time

And she now has the money to do many things she once wanted to do, such as:

• Sliding backwards down the banisters of Stately Homes.
• Write on EXPENSIVE napkins.
• Taking baths in money.
• Flaunting a pound note in front of the King's palace.
• Eating money.
• Puzzling out exactly how cuckoos in those clocks have such a good sense of time.
• Trying to start controversy by saying that certain characters are gay, resulting in a massive burst of media attention and even more money.
• Wiping herself with money.
• Write HP prequels at a basic fanfic level for charity. And more money.
• Streaks through the nude on the grounds of Buckingham Palace & sharts in front of the Royal Family.
• Pretentiously pitying poor people.
• Shagging Gordon Brown whilst throwing vast sums of money at an incompetent Labour Party.
• fingering herself with a wand.
• Tweeting garbage.
• Did we already mention shitting on Trans People?

J.K. Rowling hates math(s). She calls it "completely useless in the wizard world". When she establishes her own nation, she will ban it.

See also

• Enid Blyton
• Roald Dahl
• Muggles
• Biggles
• The Scary Story Of The Scary Scottish Scotsman
• Bored of the Rings
• Prejudice

External links

• Proof that Ms. Rowling is a piece of garbage

ϟ Harry Potter ϟ