UnBooks:Harry Potter Summarized in Less Than a Minute
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You've read the title. I know what you want, dear reader. I bet you were TikToking down the rabbithole when your mother blew a hole through your door with a C4, and asked you to read seven long-ass books that nobody has the time for in this decade! (That TikToking doesn't do itself right?) And then you said something, like "First of all, what the hell mom, blowing a hole through my door. Also mom, seriously, I don't have time for this... gawd... get off my back. I have two hours of TikToking to do and then a Mario Kart Wii session... on my Wii!" Your mother smacks you over the head with forty-three door-stopping Harry Potter books, and a constant supply of shitty, smelly novels! And when you tried to complain, your mother unbelievably said, "What the hell did you just say to me, Billy? I'll have you know that I'm shart, and you're sooo fucking dump." You stare at your mother in disbelief. No modern parent tells their kids what to do, let alone telling them to read outside when it's -30°F! You'd freeze your dick off! Well get ready Billy, because if even the thought of reading Harry Potter in less than a minute has already blown your brain to Mars, then reading this page would've surely blown your brain[1] to Jupiter.
We will explain how we've converted all two thousand (and a three-quarters) pages in the entire Harry Potter series into a less than a minute paragraph. All you need is just a bit of time and the knowledge to understand the English language, which, in fact, is the only language in the world. If you speak any other language, you are an archaic boomer who should DIE in a retirement home while fucking yourself to death![2]
Whoa there, Billy! I see you are easily offended by our coarse language. You need to chill out and be less of a square, you spoiled brat. But that's not important, Billy. Now hold your ass very closely, Billy, because these next paragraphs will be important. And if you don't listen closely, you'll go to a fun and whimsical place, Billy.
How We Do It?[edit | edit source]
It should be obvious Billy, you fecking idiot. God, children these days... well, to understand how we created this copy of the first Harry Potter book that can be read in less than a minute, you first must understand how books are created, Billy, because at this point, I fear for your intelligence as a hole. You see, before the printing press, when equality was much better,[3] we had these men who would devote their entire lives to writing out copies of books. Shitty work, but it paid well. But it's also stupid. "Why have men do things when you can build machines to do it for you and put these hard-working men out of work?" Much better, so we improvised and created the printing press. About five hundred years later, we realized, "Why pay a lot of manly hours to set type the whole thing when machines (computers and printers) put the set typers out of work to get it done faster!" But typewriting is not a manly chore, it's more of a women thing, y'see? So we decided that they should do it (for a wage of 20 Zimbabwean dollars an hour!).
So I've explained this to you like a kindergarten retard, do you get it now, Billy? Come on, speak up!
Billy, please, just fucking talk mate...
Alright, I've come to a conclusion, Billy: You're dead. Either that, or you're a bunch of hedgehogs taped together in a tracksuit. Well, either way, I've been talking to a wall this entire time. A stupid wall, at that. Out of all the walls I've ever seen in my whole entire life, I've never expected to see a wall as stupid as you, let alone to talk to it, Billy.
You see, each book is made out of pages. And what we've done to each page is simple. It's so simple that we've made an acronym to simplify matters. This acronym is called F.A.S.T., and we'll talk about it, Billy. Has your ass exploded yet? Because you'd better hold onto your ass, Billy. We're about to go eighty-nine miles per hour and beyond, buddy, okay? So strap your seat belt onto your butt, because you are going to be ass-rammed with facts.
The F.A.S.T. Method[edit | edit source]
The F.A.S.T. Method was invented by scientist Gregory Wilson in 1952 after he looked into the future and could predict the entire text for the first Harry Potter books. It had something to do with something faster than light, a can of red-bull and a botched brain operation. Regardless, he was the first to read the books (before they were even written). But he had a hard time remembering it (you may recall that botched operation) so we was motivated to summarize it for easier recall. He thought, "Let's invent a method to summarize things so my botched brain operation can cope with seven volume book series story line retention!"
| “ | Harry Potter Had A Huge-Ass | ” |
— What Gregory wrote... we don't use this anymore, tragically.
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He didn't stop with Harry potter but also summarized other book series to be written in the future like The Hunger Games, Percy Jackson and The Shades of Gray series. After seeing the text for Shades of Gray books, realizing how vapid and grim the 2000s would be, he ended his life before summarizing that that series which would have been "Just don't fucking read this bullshit."
So how does his method work? F.A.S.T. stands for:
- Fucking
- Assholes
- Should Shit
- Themselves
The first step is to fuck the book. Date with it. Bring it out to a fancy restaurant. Fall in love. Marry it, and birth seven unique book children, who, over time, will raise their own book children. This is done to create multiple copies of the book, though this step has unintended consequences. We've noted that the books may occasionally grow... penises using this method? Huge-ass penises. Billy, you know what a penis is, right? It's obviously hard to fuck a book you saw into the future, but you can just jerk off thinking about fucking it.
The second and third steps are to shit on the pages of the books. Take a very refreshing dump on the books, either by shitting hard, softly, watery, or even bloody. This may seem stupid to do, but trust me, it's a part of the process. You simply cannot adequately summarize a book without shitting on it. Trust us.
The final step is to terrify the book into absolute submission. It will shear off all unnecessary descriptions, secondary and tertiary plot lines, and adjectives until it is distilled down to a short summary. This final step is crucial. How you terrorize it will depend on how sadistic you are, if you are a jihadist and also whether the book is a submissive who enjoys being terrorized in which case this method simply won't work and you'll have to find another method.
With the F.A.S.T. method, we can turn books from thousands of pages into a bunch of romanced, sticky, stinky and utterly traumatized yet summarized pages! Several questions have been asked about how we do this method though, such as "Who does the shitting?", or who is going to pay for those expensive dates. In reality, you'll just have to answer these questions yourself. This is a method, not a handholding session. You're a big boy, just work it out.
What are the Pros[edit | edit source]
Calm your panties down, Billy. Where did you get the fucking audacity to ask a question like that? Your panties are going to steam up if your vagina gets anymore worked up! Well, to put it lightly, this Harry Potter Summary will be lifechanging. The pros are endless! Here's a list of a couple of things that you'll get.
- You'll get more of ME? And remember, I'm the best narrator to ever rock a mother fucking narrative. I've been with you since the beginning of this and I'll be here to the end, holding your pathetic little hand.
- You'll get a billion dollars? Now do the math here, Billy. You could read our summary and then spend 500 hours reading those books, or you could spend 500 hours doing tricks on the street in Vegas and make a billion dollars. The money saving is clear.
- You'll get endless boners?
Nothing is hotter than brevity. Squeezing millions of words into a hot tight little paragraph of a few, is hot. It is boner creating. - The top warning will be... removed? Wait, hang on, why is that there? I swear I just removed it right now. Billy, did you do that? Did you fucking do that, Billy?
- And lastly, the pornographic scenes depicting Voldemort and Dumbledore blowing each other have been replaced by hotter ones of ten dementors gang banging one another. I know right, so much hotter. But yeah, we didn't have space for either, so that was just a joke Billy. Due to the original pornographic creator's poor taste in sex, his address [4] and full legal name[5] have been placed at the end of the book as punishment.
And honestly, here are a couple more reasons why you should get it:
- Santa will spend less time delivering stupid books and more time delivering PlayStations.
- That you'll unlock more reasons if you read this. In fact, you know what? After you've read the article, come back here. I bet you'll find something great.
- That's all.
Cons[edit | edit source]
Our Reviewers[edit | edit source]
| “ | It works so efficiently! Sometimes I tell this story (in fact, just the summary) to my children! They fall asleep in no time. |
” |
| “ | Wow! This is so... much more succinct and has an even more meaningful impact! And I wrote this book! |
” |
| “ | Has anybody realized how DOGSHIT this summary is? I mean even a drunk retard pissing letters in the snow would do a better job. And it's not even cohesive! I wrote two articles for the guardian fifteen years ago, so I think I know a thing or two about ground hitting writing. I've read all seven books, and I've read the summary. The books are marginally better, but they are better. A summary should surpass a book. It's just a bunch of random word vomit sewn together. IT'S FUCKING CRAZY! WHY WOULD ANYONE PAY MONEY FOR THIS! AND PLUS, EVEN WORSE THEY ARE CLEARLY A BUNCH OF [Data Expelled] |
” |
— A lunatic
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The Story[edit | edit source]
Are you ready? This is the culmination of weeks, months, hell, maybe even years of brute forcing, work, other stuff I refuse to comment on... This is,
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HARRY POTTER SUMMARIZED IN ONE MINUTE
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Thank You[edit | edit source]
Thank you for reading our article. But, Billy, there's something I have to tell you. Yesterday, on January 13, 2026, I've just received news about the truth about your parents, Billy. And you know what happened? It turns out that your dad is NOT THE FATHER! It turns out that your mother accidentally got the wrong baby. Either that, or a time traveller went back in time to assassinate the real Billy. So right now, your father is filing for a divorce. I've been through a divorce before, Billy. You turn out all rough. You become racist and sexist. You earn a scar, and for the rest of your life, you're called Scarface, even though you hate that fucking name. And after that? You get recruited into the dang military. And you know what? That's what you should actually become, like that drug addict that I said before. After all, we all need that adrenaline to defeat the hell outta Zombie Hitler and his evil Zombsturm. So I'm telling you, Billy, WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! AND THERE'S NO REASON WHY WE SHOULD FIGHT BACK! SO BILLY, TAKE DRUGS, STRAP ON YOUR ASS, AND MARCH FOR THE SACRED DEFENCE OF THE AMERICAN ARMY!
Billy?
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ This page will also blow your nipples off.
- ↑ (And even if you did, that would make you gay, not that we care)
- ↑ You say "racism" or "sexism"? That's "overinclusism"! That's right, I'm a twenty-year-old writer, and I'm not only fucking some random homeless woman, Billy, but I'm also racist! In fact, as I'm writing this down, my computer is currently heating up, which means that my computer just has to improve on its racism scaling, which means that I have to read Elon Musk's messages on X more often!
- ↑ 1463 Dunhaven Rd, Dundalk, MD 21222, USA
- ↑ Tyler Randall Brennan
