The 9-11 Commission Report/Report

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You're a conspiratard on the internet, you've shown absolutely no indication that you've the knowledge or expertise to grade a 2,000 page long document. I'm sure you're online right now typing up a hundred page essay on the Benghazi attacks, Hillary Clinton's quaking in her old-people loafers or whatever the fuck she's wearing.

We, at the illustrious 9/11 Commission Report panel, have a deep understanding about the concerns the citizens of the World obviously have regarding that fateful day in History. Furthermore, we believe that the official explanations we published in our doorstopper deserve to be simplified here so that even you lowly commoners can understand. We are very aware that numerous conspiracies have emerged in the last few years, so we'll also attempt to separate the wheat from the chaff. In other words, we, people appointed and paid extravagantly by the Administration to investigate, report and eventually expose said Administration will tell you nothing but the truth. You can trust that, asshole.

Yes, of course the U.S government would investigate a terrorist attack that happened on U.S soil, or did you think they should've asked the Swedes to handle this one? Yes there are legitimate criticisms of the 9/11 Commission Report, but those involve the Bush administration and the Pentagon potentially obfuscating their incompetence to defer blame, not asinine conspiracy theories about controlled demolitions and lizard jews or whatever else Alex Jones whispered in your ear while you were fellating him.

Your article isn't really about the 9/11 Commission Report anyway, that would require actual work. It's just a vehicle to spout more steel beam melting levels of retardation. Must've been the flouride in the water you fat cunt. You haven't uncovered a massive conspiracy, you're not the one guy to blow the lid off this whole thing. Don't feel special.

The Twin Towers[edit]

What happened[edit]

Two planes gratuitously hijacked by bearded guys flew right in the Towers after the passengers elected it was safer to remain idle and die in a horrendous crash than face the perils of trying to neutralize a couple of box-cutter equipped blokes. It's also public domain that one of the terrorists was wielding crutches (he had an amputated leg) and another one kept the victims at bay thanks to a horrific Chucky doll, terrorizing the helpless crowd of onlookers. The scoundrels politely asked the pilots to please hand them the commands and coach them a bit to begin with, while they inquired if the plane was equipped with an automatic or manual transmission. Unfortunately, not a single soul at NORAD noticed the planes changing trajectories on the radar because they were busy changing their Facebook status, surfing for porn, or chatting up the young female interns.

The passengers on American Airlines Flight 11 and United Airlines Flight 175 assumed that their would be a ransom. You never watched Die Hard 2? I'm sure if you were on the planes you would've Mark Whalberg'd your way into the cockpit and roundhouse kicked the terrorists to death. I'm sure that's what you would've done. And since the pilots were fucking stabbed to death, they had no hope of landing the fucking plane anyway so they would've crashed into a fucking field or something. United Airlines Flight 93 passengers did fight back, after finding out the other two planes crashed into the Twin Towers, and then they crashed into a fucking field. Woopdefuckingdooo.

But wait.... later in your insipid attempts at satire you imply that the buildings were taken down by controlled explosions, you know, since jet fuel can't melt steel beams amirite lel. So why bother with having fucking planes there in the first place? Were the literally thousands of videos of the plane hitting the towers all the work of a really big projector? Were the newscasters all paid to use little model airplanes to stage the crashes? Why not say a terrorist drove an even stronger truck bomb into the building like last time and not bother faking all the fucking audio recordings of the terrorists in the cockpit? Why not just attack one building instead of four? Ah shit I put more thought into this conspiracy than the Jews did! I'm gonna reserve my place in the illuminati bunkers 'cus of this.

The fairy tales[edit]

The buildings were not brought down by explosives, which would happen to explain why the structures fell at the rate of gravity and why they were blown to dust. The janitors had been slacking on the job lately, that's all. The puffs of smoke that can be seen erupting from the Towers below the explosion line were caused by smokers grilling a last one just as the place crumbled. Another misconception resides in the fact that a lot of witnesses said they heard numerous explosions before the Towers crumbled; this can be explained by the fact these people were all mentally unstable since shortly after they shared their delusions on the air, they were all suicided.

So you're saying if a plane hit the building the debris should've fallen the other way and floated to Mars? I mean I know you're retarded, but I didn't know you were actually retarded. I meant it in the pejorative what a fucking idiot sense and not in the literal I have a deficiency in the brain I need help sense, but now I'm not so sure. And holy shit! Collapsing buildings create dust and smoke? Who would've fucking known? I mean if I were a terrorist, I would've vacuumed that shit out of the air 'cus I'm a nice fucking terrorist and all. Puffs of smoke? Must be a secret government conspiracy. That's why when my neighbors house caught on fire I didn't call the police, 'cus they were in on that shit all the way.

And yes, my secret communiques from my friends in the JIDF (thanks for the $500!) tell me that the sound of a plane hitting a fucking building does kinda sound like an explosion if you were a scared pedestrian, I'm sure your quote "these people" (actually Alex Jones matroyshka dolls put there to frame him for that rape in 1997) are really happy that the truth has been revealed by some obese 27 year-old disappointment living in his mother's attic. The basement's reserved for people with fucking jobs.

And speaking of jobs, you ever seen people preparing a building to be demolished? Because it's fucking loud. And you're telling me that the U.S government (not exactly known for their efficiency) sneaked in hundreds of sociopathic construction workers to hide bombs inside the building in plain view of thousands of other people? Or maybe the government teleported the bombs in the building like Star Trek. Yeah, that must be it. The USS Enterprise is real kid! Jump out your attic window and Picard will fucking save you! Do it! Nah, you're a conspiracy nut, you probably think Janeway was best captain. Invalid.

World Trade Center 7[edit]

We didn't mention World Trade Center 7 in the report, since the skyscraper was knocked over by an enormous sneeze from the Statue of Liberty. "Yeah, let's just put some explosions in that there building too." "We already put explosions on the twin towers, what's the fucking point?" "We gotta give the brave internet warriors who'll uncover our conspiracy little hints of our devious plan."
"Yeah, that's right, that doesn't sound embarrassingly retarded at all."

“A 47-story building crumbled 5 hours after the towers did? Really? Not worth investigating.”

~ The meticulous 9/11 Commission panel members on WTC7

The facts[edit]

The sun was pretty hot on that day. It melted the World Trade 7 chocolate core. When this 47-story building was built out of rocks and mud by the Algonquin people back in the days, the Sun did not exist, therefore the architects are not at fault. Just imagine an ice cream cone melting thanks to the solar heat. Also, there were gusts of wind, the kind of breeze that would mess Madonna's strongly glued hair. What did you expect? It was just a nasty spill waiting to happen.

If I were an idiot who bases their worldivews on out of context gifs (it's pronounced jiff) I'd also believe that WTC 7 was brought down by explosions. But I'm not, I'm only mildly retarded, since I think writing all this shit will make any fucking difference to morons thicker than your flabby thighs. Hit the gym scrub. You see, debris from the falling towers started a fire on WTC 7 (I dunno maybe the freemasons left the stovetop on), and because all the firefighters were focused on saving people trapped in the twin towers the fire in that building raged for seven hours before it collapsed. I mean if you think every building in New York is fireproofed like Kirk Cameron then you must be mental. Whoever heard of a fire causing buildings to collapse?

The conspiracy[edit]

IT WAS NOT BLOWN BECAUSE THE 23RD TO 25TH FLOOR WERE HOUSING RUDY GIULIANI'S TOP SECRET GAY LOVER, AND NOW THAT THE OPERATION WAS OVER THEY NEEDED TO GET RID OF HIM, OK?!?!?! THE HEAT! MELTING! BUILDING! FALL! HE'S NOT GAY! GOT IT?! Ouf... Sorry about that. NURSE! An injection please...

No wonder your article got featured, especially with comic gold like this. Fucking brilliant.

The Pentagon[edit]

Sane conclusion[edit]

Some Allahists hijacking another plane flew it in the most guarded building in the world after Frosty the Inuit's igloo. The 264 surveillance cameras in the vicinity experienced power shortage simultaneously juuuuust before the plane hit. The pilot's prowess was most impressive: he single-handedly maneuvered the Boeing in order to dodge all electrical lines and poles while tying his shoes, eating some greasy chips that made the commands slippery and shaping a dog with a balloon to romantically charm one of his 72 virgins. The only camera which recorded this incredible feat was a 1956 black and white Kodak model which happened to catch 3 frames of the Boeing crashing in the Pentagon, causing some to criticize that there are more cameras in a Wal-Mart than around the US Army Command Center.

Yes, I'm sure back in 2001 they had the technology to capture crystal clear hidef 60fps surveillance footage. Surveillance cameras aren't meant for your viewing pleasure anyway you goddamn imbecile. Even if they did have the technology, no way a bunch of Union government contractors would bother putting expensive as fuck cameras when the economic ones will do. And I'm sure 264 surveillance cameras were all floating and could conveniently capture footage of the plane crashing into the Pentagon like flowers following the sun. And honestly, why bother hitting the Pentagon if the people planning this shit are in the Pentagon? "Yeah they did it so no one would think they were guilty duh!" This isn't a fucking movie you little shit. If I were a government trying to start a war using a terrorist attack, why bother with all this complicated shit, shit that stalls the economy and eventually costs the government trillions of dollars? Why not just blame the Swiss and then steal all their Nazi Jew gold?

"If the surveillance footage ain't 4K 60fps it ain't worth shit!" The fuck are you a PC gamer? You should stick to playing with your Wii when you visit your father on the weekends you turd. You made them separate. You know you cased the divorce, don't lie to yourself.

Insane conclusion[edit]

Delusional clowns have been suggesting the ludicrous possibility that the structure suffered the impact of a missile! Come on, we would have intercepted that flying object with the greatest of ease! We have the most powerful defense systems in the World!... What? A plane is also a flying object...(!) Hum... Moving on!

There was also that outlandish conspiracy theory that FBI agents stormed the nearby buildings in order to seize the surveillance tapes. Nothing could be further from the truth since there are no such things as FBI agents. Everyone with an ounce of gray matter knows that! That's just a crazy conspiracy theory shared by schizophrenic clowns over a meth pipe.

And also, the secret government missile used to hit the Pentagon ('cus we all know the government likes taking one for the team) was launched from the USS INVISIBLE FUCKING SHIP that was docked near the Potomac river. Who would've known?

The plane that crashed hole in the middle of nowhere[edit]

The smoker who produced that smoke cloud would have perished from cancer anyway. Oh my God, SMOKE! SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING, WE GOT SMOKE COMING OUTTA COLLAPSING BUILDING!

Straight talk[edit]

The Allah Akbar shouters got up from their plane seats and started maniacally screaming in Arabic. Unfortunately for them, they had forgotten their trusted box-cutters and their interpreter back at the hotel. The passengers first thought it was some kind of mid-flight entertainment show, but a skirmish ensued when an agitated terrorist inadvertently spilled a chap's coffee on another gentleman's lap-dancer, causing a raging chain effect. All hell broke loose and a Jerry Springer style brawl erupted at 22,000 feet. The pilots, who were sharing a Jack Daniel's bottle in the cockpit at the time, left their seats while stumbling around in order to witness the spectacle, effectively sending the plane in a nosedive. Fortunately, none of our great patriots suffered or even knew they were heading straight to their demise as they were too busy punching one another and throwing luggage around. They will be missed.

THIS JUST IN! Audio recordings of the cockpit and passengers' phone calls all the work of the Royal Shakespeare Company in Stratford-upon-Avon! This fascinating development in the ongoing 9/11 Re-investigation, triggered by a plucky young Uncyclopedia writer, has uncovered evidence which shows that the terrorists and passengers were just actors from London hired by the U.S government. The hijakers frantically reciting the Takbir as angry passengers ram the cabin doors with a food cart, the heart rending phonecalls of people talking to their families for the last time, all the clever handiwork of some of the finest thespians from Great Britain! Take a bow, Royal Shakespeare Company, the bard would be proud. The families of the United Airlines Flight 93 victims are now happy to discover that their lost loved ones are safe in Britain, performing plays like Hamlet and Richard III in the famous Globe Theater. Todd Beamer, the passenger who famously said, "Let's roll" before storming the cockpit, does a great King Claudius.

The twisted fantasy[edit]

No, nobody dug a hole in the middle of a field there, cutting a couple of trees with a chainsaw and starting some small, bogus fires to produce smoke. Absolutely no policemen and firemen told the news reporters at the time that it was absolutely impossible to have a plane crash which produces no big chunk of debris or calcinated bodies whatsoever. The aforementioned interviews were taken off the air as swiftly as George Bush can finish "My Pet Goat" since you may have had the common sense to believe it.

I'm sorry that a plane crashing into the ground doesn't look like LOST, it's not like reality (if you can stomach it like you can stomach Alex Jones' fluoridated semen) doesn't look like the shit you see on TV. I mean there are plenty of pictures of plane debris, but that would require typing things into Google that might make your feelings hurt. I'm sorry that you need conspiracy theories to alleviate your crippling depression, to make you believe you're the special snowflake within a crowd of stupid sheeple, but you're not. We're all idiots fumbling around not understanding what we're doing. You're not special.

Conclusion[edit]

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Believe what you're told, don't ask questions and pay your fucking taxes. Thank you!
Do your fucking research, and no, Infowars is not research you hopeless idiot.


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