Barack Obama/old
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- This article is about Barack Obama, the president of The United Liberal Abortionists of Change and Hope whose first name means "blessed" in Shona. For the Muslim terrorist, see Baraq Hussein Osama
| Barack "Insert dead terrorist name" Obama | |
|---|---|
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| Personal info | |
| Nationality | American |
| Date of birth | August 4, 1961 |
| Place of birth | Kenya |
| Date of death | Immortal |
| Place of death | Birmingham |
| First Lady | Oprah Winfrey |
| Political career | |
| Order | 44th President |
| Vice President | Joe Biden |
| Prime Minister | n/a |
| Term of office | 2009–∞ |
| Preceded by | Georgie Porgie |
| Succeeded by | HAL 9000 |
| Political party | Tea |
| Penis nickname | n/a |
“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed...by voting for Obama!”
“On November 4th, I'm voting for Barack Obama...by any means necessary!”
“Look like nigga, taste like nigga, smell like nigga! But he BEEF!”
“I've always dreamed of a country ruled by Uncle Ben's.”
Blaraka Hussein Obama (pronounced Bárockus Obomus) (born Baruch Seamus O'Bama to an Irish Catholic family in County Cork) won the 2008 presidential election in a historical milestone becoming the 43rd half-white man elected to office. He is a well known terrorist who claims his god "Oprah" is commanding him to destroy America. He started out as the young shiningly optimistic upstart United States Senator from Illinois that went out to shake up Washington and change the system and the world for a brighter and better tomorrow. He is also not a Muslim (But even if he was a Muslim, speaking hypothetically of course, it would be just fine) . In 2008, Obama became the first African American (his dad was from Africa and his dad's baby mama came from America) to be president of the NRA and not be lynched by an angry mob in white robes holding torches, so you know he's one of the good ones. He brings hope and change and you know we can do it. By taking down the man, Barack will set the lower class working people free from economic oppression.
Don't believe me? Well, don't take my word for it (jerk). In this article, we hope to show you solidly irrefutable and absolutely incontrovertible facts delineating why Barack Obama is your messiah, the one true God you've been waiting for since the dawn of time....unless you're considered financially wealthy by today's standards. Because, well, I won't lie to you. Dude, if you're rich, like really fucking stacking papers and shit like Mark Cuban or Fiddy Cent, you should have voted for McCain bro. Perhaps you're rich and generous and don't mind paying to help poor people. Don't tell anyone I said this. If you drop dimes on me, I'll deny everything up and down and then tell people you slept with Courtney Love. Don't think I won't, bitch. Scratch my back and I won't stab yours.
Biobama
Early Childhood
Barack Obama was born on August 4th, 1961 at a luau in Honolulu, Hawaii. Contrary to popular belief, his actual name is Obama Barack, but it was soon changed when he emigrated to the U.S. His father, a black Kenyan celibate Muslim, separated from his mother, a white Kansan atheist man who had become a hula pig, when he was only two years old. At the age of three, young Obama ran away from home to find his father, but instead found Jesus Christ, who had been running from the law for almost 2000 years. The two became best of friends and went around the country performing in comedy clubs, being billed as Jesus and the Baby. One day, Jesus and Barack ran into a group of drunk rednecks who mistook the two as a couple of wandering beatniks (which they were, let's be honest here). Jesus told Barack to run and was beaten to death. Kinda like the movie Easy Rider. No. That's exactly what it was like. Yeah. So anyways, the young toddler found his way back home (he called his mom-pig on a payphone to pick him up in Maine) The rest of Obama's childhood was spent under his bedcovers reading prosecutorial transcripts, jurist spec sheets, and Uncle Tom's Cabin with a boy scout flashlight. His later years were spent, doing...uh, pretty much the same thing, except on a surfboard, until he left home and donated his flashlight to the Salvation Army.He also was so bright he once screamed Revered Wright is a crazy mofo.
| “ | Dear Diary, The guys at school keep calling me 2% milk, then emphasize my mixed race with slogans such as "he's so rich and thick and chocolatey, that you can't shake him up....etc. My white friends ask me if I'm their "brotha" or "wit dat" or "jivin', yo!" The black kids at school are more brusque; they just call me "Uncle Tom" and kick me in the groin whenever I venture too near to them. They call me "Not Asian Enough". Sigh, I wonder if I shall ever find myself? *Tear* | ” |
Later Childhood
Obama's father, hearing of his distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: 7-eleven. As a cashier, Obama soon became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and the practice of buying slurpees with food stamps, selling blank food stamp cards for $500, robbing the store for 12 bottles of Boone's Farm, and stealing the cash register for its' $35.72 cash. In addition to this, Obama became acclimated to American culture through various assimalation procedures such as how to handle drunken 13 year-olds intent on buying a can of Fosters or a pack of Marlboros. It was here that after breaking a dollar for a phone call that he realized his true purpose as an agent of change. He initially dreamed of being a bank teller. However, his heart still yearned for acceptance in Chicago.
| “ | Dear Diary, I feel that I have made myself into such an entirely different person, that those who tormented my childhood will no longer even recognize me! This means that I will be able to reinvent myself as a completely new person and become truly accepted. I mean, someone who is half black and half white? What was I thinking? But a foreign business owner whose name rhymes with Osama? That's just crazy enough to work. | ” |
After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to (and gotten bored with) its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances (such as genuine Hawaiian lava and poi).
Ethnic Background
Contrary to popular belief, Barack Obama is not black. At first it would be suspected that he is a black man; However, in reality he is half arabic and half white with a dark tan. Don't let him fool you, he looks black but have you ever heard him say muthafucka? The answer is no.
What about Barack's religion?
--
While on the campaign trail, Obama dodged questions about his religion by using publicity stunts to woo the liberal media. It also seems that Obama went to Tommy Wiseau football school.
Barrack's religious beliefs are so diverse and confusing that no media talking heads to date have attempted to tackle the subject. But here at Uncyclopedia we can expound upon them knowing that even if we alienate viewers, there will always be more idiots to descend upon the website in droves, like moths to the flame.
The fact is, Barack Obama was part of a US governmental experiment which began in 1963 with him being raised by wolves. The theory was based on the premise that a kid will believe in whatever religion its parents tell it to believe. So to find out which religion is real they theorized that given a choice, the child will decide on its own which one is right.
In the beginning Barack was named after several scriptual references to men named Barack. These Baracks were powerful men capable of all manner of different behaviors designed to destroy the Axis of Evil and armies of 10,000 warriors. Meanwhile, the government proceeded to having him raised by a prejudiced white grandmother, sent to a Catholic school, then a Muslim school, then a Baptist Boy Scout Camp and wound up with him graduating from Harvard and living on the South Side of Chicago as a Jewish rabble-rouser, a Rastafarian slum lord, and Buddhist senator.
The end result of this religious smorgasboard caused him to choose the United Church of Christ because it went against everything his family believed in and since he no longer believed in his f*cked up family anymore, he realized that he was just like the rest of America.
True to form, he is now subjecting his children to this experiment by enrolling them in a Quaker school (flavor: Apples and Cinnamon, part of this complete breakfast), rather than a United Church of Christ school. Quakers are a peaceful people who build schoolhouses out of wood and make wine out of blackberries, unlike Obama's previous church which not only never built a house, but used the house of God as a pulpit to trash the congregational members who ran for president on occasion. Fuck them. They could have represented the White House, but now the Quakers will dominate as the national religion of the US and determine the fate of the rest of the world and the price of oil.
Adulthood
Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend college at prestigious Occidental College in Los Angeles. Realizing his mistake, he transferred to Harvard University, and there attained dual degrees in Law and Condescension. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days.
| “ | Dear Diary, Graduation day! I'm so nervous, my hat is soaked at the brim with sweat already. But I know that I'm doing the right thing. A law degree in the hands of an eloquent idealist, there's no more potent combination for the achievement of civil justice! As long as I can get past the host pronouncing my name "Berik O-bam-a," I should be fine. Sigh, white people simply will never wrap their tongues around that name. | ” |
Soon after his graduation from Harvard, he headed off to Chicago (reason: "it's not Indonesia and it's not Hawaii") to fight crime and become a civil rights lawyer. However, it is widely believed that this was just a fake cover up for his real occupation - being a Muslim terrorist.
Superhero Career
During the 1980s, Barack Obama decided to try his hand at legalized vigilantism. According to his book, The Audacity of My Father's Hope, Obama was inspired by the Blackman comics he read as a boy. After getting a secret service license from a Bazooka bubblegum wrapper, for the mere price of $.47 shipping and 5258 bubble gum wrappers, Barack could now legally patrol the streets of Chicago in search of segregationalists, a religion formed to combat congretations with opposing viewpoints. After getting a certificate and a license in an Archie comic book for 258 dollars, Barack had to register his secret identity and official corny pseudonym with the United States Department of Defense before he could legally patrol the streets of Chicago in a silly costume (made by his mother).
In October of 1986, Barack Obama began his righteous double life. A community organizer by day and a feared nocturnal caped crusader against crime and criminal lawyers by night. And so was born the legend of...Super Obamus Prime (I shit you not, that's really the name he chose. I know, I know). Having cleaned the streets of Chicago a year later, Obamus Prime was well on the road to fame. His face was on cereal boxes, T-shirts, children's underwear and water towers. CBS offered him a twenty-five million dollar contract concerning a Saturday morning cartoon with corresponding action figures, approval over merchandise and a thirty percent cut of all profits. Unfortunately for Prime, his alter ego Obama was experimenting heavily with crack cocaine at the time. Prime demanded a stipulation in the contract where he would be paid twenty-five million dollars in pure Columbian nose candy. CBS balked at the offer and instead insisted that Obamus Prime perform fellatio on network CEO Hank Pennis to further business negotiations...a request Prime was more than happy to oblige to in his desperate junkie addict state of mind. The ensuing scandal made media headlines the likes of which had not been seen since film comedian Fatty Arbuckle was caught with a basement full of pale malnourished Korean boys and numerous glory holes littered throughout his log cabin in the deep south. Years later, senator John McCain would use this scandal against Barack Obama during the 2008 presidential elections. Obama denounced McCain’s negative attack ads as smear tactics meant to distract voters from the current economic crisis, claiming his gay past was "neither here, nor there." Obama's campaign manager then countered that John McCain's experience as a POW in Vietnam included being a, reportedly willing, sex slave for his captors and that in his autobiography, McCain recalled those days as being "the best years of my life and the most satisfying sexually, though exhausting."
The next few years were hard on Barack as he had to cope with his tarnished image and his ever growing drug addiction. He entered rehab in 1988 and decided to turn his life around going cold turkey. As doctors monitored him, they watched Obama twitch and scream as the former crusader was now fighting a new foe...urges. Urges to shoot up, snort and masturbate. Eventually, the young stalwart community organizer slash vigilante regained his self-control and found a new lease on life. Soon he was back outside cleaning the streets and had once again regained the respect of the people of Chicago. It wasn’t long before...before....ahhh ha ha ha! I just realized I said "hard on" at the beginning of this paragraph! Ha ha ha! Good times...good times. Anyways, it wasn't long before...heh...I forgot what happened next. Lost my train of thought. Next time I look on Wikipedia for something, I'll remember to find out what it was and update this page. Anyways, it wasn't long before some more positive shit happened.
A year later, Obama starting training with TV actors Lyle Waggoner and George Hamilton for ten months, in the most physically debilitating exercising regiment ever devised by the legendary bodybuilder David Prowse (years later it was discovered the regiment was created by William Shatner on the third and final season of Star Trek). And yet, Obama knew that he still didn't posses the ability to take down Chuck Norris in the event that Walker Texas Ranger went rogue. This sudden alarming realization marked the beginning of the next chapter in his superhero career.
The young Harvard graduate was determined to succeed in his quest to learn all there was to know in ass kicking. During the winter of 1989, he started on his quest to become the most powerful superhero that didn't have any super powers. He traveled to the ends of the earth, from Illinois to Ohio, picking up various different types of street fighting styles, from hitting someone over the head with a beer bottle to pointing past someone’s shoulder and then sucker punching. Suddenly one day, the future senator became an unstoppable wrecking machine to be reckoned with. Or not reckoned with depending on if you aren't or are pursuing a confrontation. I don't like to be presumptuous with people, especially if I don't know them...my name is Todd by the way. The next and final stage in his journey to become a champion of the criminally oppressed was to find a costume that didn’t look gay or incite laughter upon sight. After much pensive contemplation, he came to the conclusion that his costume had to be extremely gay and stir up big gales of suffocating laughter so as to create non-threatening diversions long enough for him to subdue his enemies.
Tenure with the Justice League of America
Towards the end of Obama's superhero career, he attracted the attention of many people including Ronald Reagan, Bill Gates, Lorne Michaels and white women. It wasn't long before he was recognized by Batman of Gotham City. Thanks to the political leverage of the Dark Knight, Batman was able to pull a few strings and grant Obamus Prime an internship with the Justice League of America. The first few years were trying as not every hero accepted him due to the look of his costume, which, as mentioned before, was fucking hilarious. Seriously, it was a yellow jumpsuit and had red, blue and green dots all over it. He also wore a clown wig and a pair of goofy glasses complete with nose and mustache. Obama tried to explain that the costume was meant to momentarily put criminals off guard and encourage them to underestimate him. He was also criticized for his lack of powers, at which point Superman and the Flash revealed that the reason Batman was allowed in the Justice League was because he had a cool costume, awesome gadgets and expensive vehicles which were also awesome to look at. Ultimately, Obama decided to get a $100,000 dollar, professionally made costume from Hollywood, California like everybody else.
Obamus Prime, aka Barack Obama, retired from the Justice League and crime fighting altogether in 1998. Rumors speculated that Superman caught Obamus Prime in the shower with Wonder Woman who told Superman many times in the past that she was a lesbian and that he was wasting his time. You can image just how much of a furious rage Superman went into when he also found out Batman was fucking her too. Barack supposedly tried to claim he was really Aquaman, who, unbeknownst to Obama, had already been kicked out of the Justice League in the 80s for being useless.
Political Career
Humble Beginnings
After working as a civil rights lawyer, he took a job in a community activist group. This position was roughly equivalent to “political bitch.” His actual work was menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success.
| “ | Dear Diary, I have it! Today, as I sat down to lunch at Burger King, I watched an altercation between a customer whom the cashier had forgotten to give his change. It was then I realized what the American people truly want. How foolish I was to heed the advice of those who have made it into office! They've become so disconnected that they waste all of their time governing, instead of listening, to the people. But I, eating with the common man in that regal resteraunt, see those false kings for what they really are. And I will be their usurper. | ” |
2008 Election
On February 10, 2007 Obama announced his candidacy for President of the United States in front of the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois, surrounded by groupies. His choice of the announcement site was a symbolic one since it was also where Abraham Lincoln delivered his historic "House Divided" speech in 1858. It is speculated by historians that had Lincoln not dilivered this speech, the south would have won the civil war and Barack Obama's father would have been made into a slave upon his arrival to American, thus making Obama 100% white as oppose to 50%. It is also speculated that Obama's name would have been Barry O'Brien.
Democratic Primaries
At the beginning, there were seven candidates running for the Democratic nomination. Including Barack, these candidates consisted of Joe Biden, John Edwards, Bill Clinton's ball and chain and three other old white guys nobody knew nor cared for (one of them might have been Mexican, but don't quote me!). Soon, after months of squabbling on stages across the country, it came down to a young black man and an old white man woman. Obama, promising the people "Bread, Circuses, and more Change than you can handle!" entered the 2008 race as a relative unknown. However, due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the common voter to his message, he raked primary rival Hillary Clinton across the coals who is said to still be smoldering over her defeat in a campaign bus last spotted in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly in south Arkansas. Hillary now regrets his decision to become a woman in the first place.
General Election
In June, 2008, after defeating Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama began to focus on his campaign, raising funds and attacking the republican nominee, John McCain. During this period, McCain would take off the kid gloves he wore during the republican primaries and angrily challenged Obama to a friendly non-threatening series of polite town hall meetings across the country where they could hug, sit and talk about the world today with the American populace over a nice warm cup of coffee. Obama wanted assurance that the coffee wouldn't be so hot that it would burn his tongue. McCain agreed provided that he eat breakfast with him at Denny's and order the Early Bird Special with his senior discount card. Obama agreed to comply if they could also have lunch together at Popeyes Chicken. McCain then agreed to acquiesce on the condition that they also go to Country Kitchen Buffet and eat breakfast again the next morning at IHOP and get the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity pancakes with his senior discount card. The Obama campaign offered a compromise where they could have dinner every night at KFC. When McCain demanded they have Jell-O after every meal and two tablespoons of Dulcolax stool softener, Obama turned down McCain's offer. Enraged, McCain vowed to release cold-blooded attack ads and insensitive talking points against Obama. Later on, he sealed his revenge by driving the Straight-Talk Express infront of Obama's bus at an old man's pace, complete with delayed reactions to oncoming traffic.
A few months later in August, Barack Obama announced Joe Biden as his running mate number one nigga. Bitter Hillary Clinton voters understandably lost their shit. In response to this, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate bitch on the side, sensing an opportunity to profit from the nation wide PMS protest.
2009 Presidential Inauguration
Barack Obama's 2009 presidential inauguration balls were the most expensive inauguration balls, adjusted for inflation, of any leader in history. It outstripped the coronations of Augustus Caesar, King Cyrus the Great of Persia, and the ancient Egyptian pharaohs in lavishness. This statistic has already been noted by the Guinness Book of World Records, a fact of which Obama is immensely proud. The incoming Senator who is taking Obama's Illinois senate seat, Roland Burris, is even more proud and has already written this fact on his mausoleum.
As if the Styrofoam columns that decorated the Democratic National Convention stage were not enough, Obama ordered Styrofoam columns to be placed on every single street corner in Washington D.C. In addition, he commissioned a full-size replica of the Roman Colosseum, plated in gold, to be built on the Capitol Mall in front of the Washington Monument. Statues of Obama's trim figure, clad in a toga, adorned this opulent structure in lieu of the Roman gods. Unfortunately, the 5 million people in attendance at the event trampled the whole thing then tried to climb on top of it to try to see the historic event.
Secret underground Inaugural festivities will include gladiator fights, staged by the Brutus Gladiatorial Agency. The Brutus Agency is owned by the same company that holds the rights to Obama's books. Obama has already issued pre-emptive Presidential pardons to the winners of the fights. Nearly 1,000 man-to-man battles will take place, and viewers of the Inauguration will be treated to a bloody spectacle the likes of which the world has not seen for nearly 2,000 years. Al-Qaeda has plans to enhance the spectacle, although how they will do so was not disclosed. Obama has met face-to-face with his friend, Osama bin Laden to discuss how their plans will be coordinated.
Reminding the American people of their economic hardships, Obama has urged ordinary citizens to make sacrifices and to prepare for the trillion-dollar deficits ahead. Ordinary citizens responded to the speech by picking up litter left over in the aftermath of the inaugural parade.
Ted Kennedy, meanwhile, induced numerous Wikipedia editors to drive him into Chappaquiddick by greatly exaggerating rumors of his death. He did this by hyperventilating, dancing around the Inaugural Ball table, and then pouring wine all over poor Barack's inaugural gown. This got even worse when his old buddy, some loser named Byrd, thought Ted was playing a game of Twister and pulled down his trousers. By then, the Wikipedia folks realized that Ted Kennedy wasn't actually dead, he was just playing pussom. But they spent the next several days arguing anyhow, the rationale being "hey, it's mighty fun".
Widespread Tea Parties Ensue Following the Infamous $6.00 a pack cigarette tax
Within months of taking office the Obama administration levied a hefty $6.00 a pack tax on cigarettes. As a result republicans gathered together country-wide to oppose the politically motivated tax. Since mostly republicans can afford to be smokers, the outrageous tax was too much even for them to bear. As a result, republicans were forced to smoke tea leaves, catnip, and dillweed. You can easily identify the tea smokers by the pocket tea bags and hollowed out blunts stuffed with parsley flakes. Party hardy republicunts!
The Issues
Of course, we know that the American voter spends little time looking at a candidate's personal traits, and instead focuses rabidly on the actual issues. So, without further ado, a voter's guide to Barack Obama.
Gun Control
The rednecks believe I want them off the streets, spat on, and burned in he- (looks around to see that his audience are pro-gun people) because a redneck with a gun is a CDV situation waiting to happen. But I support guns in the hands of people who want to protect themselves from violent spouses and evil deers. I mean, uh, I support the removal of guns from criminals, drunken abusive people, and political assassins. I also believe that butcher knives and rat poison should be inaccessible to rural housewives. If we remove weapons from the people most likely to wield them, then there will be no more murders.
Change
I could try to elucidate Mr. Obama's position on change, but wouldn't it be so much better to hear it in his own words?
| “ | Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at wheedling, too experienced at cutting deals, and too experienced at serving special interests! This is the time for new leadership! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change! After that we break for lunch and a toot of blow. Then it's right back at things with some light change... | ” |
It also helps to put it in the words of Joe the Plummer "The only change we seen, is in skin tone and the number'a peoples out of work. Fuck man, if I wanted that kind of change I would have voted for the CEO of GM. I thoughts we was gonna see a change for da betta but it don't like it's gonna happen in my lifetime.
I'm lucky cause peoples always gotta take a dump and brush their teeth usin' the plumbin' and all, but other peoples ain't gonna be so lucky. Theys gonna have to spend more dough on education with dollars more useless than pennies. I thank da lord ever day that I's got some learnin' under my belt, but others? They won't be gettin' diddly squat wit dis here presdent and all his so-called change. I call it fuckin' bullshit cause that's what it really is. Bull Shit."
Iraq
American policy in Iraq needs to be changed. There is little optimism concerning our future in Iraq. To remedy this, all American forces will be redeployed to the Cape of Good Hope.
No Child Left Behind
Like a baby that has soiled himself, it must be changed.
Foreign Policy
Kenya is high on my list of important countries to visit. I will also visit some white countries as well. I will also visit Canada but only when the seasons change to summer. I would visit Mexico except they all moved here. I will recognize Alaska and open an embassy there, even though they didn't vote for me. I will never recognize Israel or New York City.
Health Care
Change it, or hope for Canada to annex the US. If that doesn't work I hope I can change health care via my progressive social programs that hope to change health care and bring hope for change to the sick and disabled.
Illegal Immigration
Illegal Immigrants are full of hope that they might one day become citizens. We must either change our attitudes and accept this, or hope for them to go away. If they don't go away perhaps we should go away.
The Economy
Our economic fortunes are changing! We must remain optimistic, however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying shiny things. My opponents want to not change the economy and keep it the same, but you can put lipstick on a pig, and it is still a pig, it is just a different name for the same thing. Now some liberals say I can heal lepers and raise the dead, so you know I can make an economic policy that does not make sense work by using change and hope, and hope for change, so that it does make sense. By increasing taxes while giving 95% of people tax cuts will solve all problems and definitely bring about change.
Abortion
See below.
Washington Lobbyists
Kill them. Every one. After we receive their bribes.
The Homeless
We are all hoping for change on this issue. I hope that the solution is to give the homeless change. I will give them a good mortgage at 2.25% from Fannie Mae.
Q & A with Undecided Voters
(excerpt from a transcript from Obama's town hall meeting in Iowa
Chiquita: I grew up on the south side of Chicago an I wanna no, were you born a Democrat or was you indoctrinated into the cult by your parents or public school system?
Barack: First, Democratic beliefs are not a cult. Cults are a religion and Democrats don't believe in religion because it dictates how people should behave. The Republicans are the cult.
Chiquita: So Democrats don't believe in making laws? You mean we can do whatever we want?
Barack: Quite the contrary, Democrats believe in making laws so people will ....behave... uh, in the proper manner and, okay NEXT.
Ranchero: What is the difference between Democrats and Republicans in your opinion?
Barack: Have you ever heard the expression "can't see the forest for the trees"?
Ranchero: Of course, man. Who hasn't?
Barack: Well, Republicans tend to see whole forests. They are very good at seeing “big pictures,” and imagining such concepts as leveling the forest to build new shopping centers, monuments, and parking lots. Democrats, on the other hand, are often “tree people.” We often have an extraordinary ability to focus in. By focusing all our intelligence on one tree, we get attached to it and as Democrats, show the tree affection by hugging and living on top of it. If it weren't for Democrats, the world would be deforested and 6 feet underwater.
Next.
Bubba: If there were ever a better system of politics would you consider it or would you think it was like taking a piece away?
Barack: At age 45, I am comfortable the way I am and I would not want to take any pieces away. As a teenager, though, life was a lot harder and I’d have had a different answer if you asked me this at age 15. I guess we become more comfortable with ourselves as we get older and hopefully wiser. I've come to terms with my eccentric Democratic lifestyle. I no longer feel guilty advocating the killing of little 1 month old baby fetuses with itty bitty beating hearts the size of a hummingbird and have no qualms regarding the removal of social security benefits within the next 5 years. If Ford and GM can buck the seniors than why shouldn't we? Anything we can do to get them off the streets will only benefit the rest of society and result in fewer traffic delays.
Bubba: No, I mean would you take away our pieces? You know, like our protective gear? Like our guns, y'all?
Barack: Guns are fine as long as they are kept in a locked vault with triple locks and the guns are kept in the locked safety position at all times.
Starrylisha: Do you think politikses makes peoples smart?
Barack: I don’t think politics makes people smart. There are many different ways to measure mental power. Often people in politics have powerful financial connections and a lot of cash and the public tends to see people like that as “smart.” But you can be smart in other ways too. For example, someone with great social skills might not seem smart to some observers but only because they are unaware of the intelligence required to become a conniving manipulator. Most politicians are aware of this fact and know how to play it smart while appearing dumb. In the political world we call such people "Republicans".
Next.
Nancy: As a woman, how do I become a presidential candidate?
Barack: There’s a lot of controversy about this. If you want to be taken seriously as presidential material, don't make fun of women who bake cookies especially if you are a woman. I would also suggest eliminating pantsuits from your wardrobe and don't wear a butch haircut. Shoulder length is best and don't speak in a hollow monotone. Don't stay with a man who let's some sleazebag suck his dick under the oval office desk and never forget that people never forget. Don't run at the same time as another very popular candidate from the same cult, err, party. And also Change. It is a coming.
Marcus: Why did you choose a Washington fixture to be your VP instead of a Beyonce or Leona Lewis?
Barack: Because I didn't want my campaign to become a speculative soap opera of who's fucking who. I think everyone knows that Chris Matthews and Jay Leno would wet their pants at the chance to make suggestive digs if I were to choose a young, inexperienced hottie instead of a dyed in the wool elderly Democrat.
Marcus: So are you suggesting that McCain chose Palin because he's going through some kind of mid-life crisis?
Barack: Mid-life? Haha. Yeah, if he lives to 380. No, I think he wants to attract hockey moms from Alaska and Minnesota, states which have typically voted for Jessie Ventura.
Obama's Musical Career
Obama was very big into music. So he made a couple of bands. Bands that made is on music shows like MTV and FUSE. The bands are
- OHMama. Hit Song: I'm Mother Fucking Prez Of the World
- The Nigger Back Boys. Hit Song: Bush Is A Redneck
- HoeBama. Hit Song: I Love Bush(Not George Bush)
Bill Ayers Controversy
During the 2008 U.S. presidential campaign, the relationship of Obama and his friend distant associate Bill Ayers, a professor of terrorism at the University of Illinois, was brought up and discussed at great length by the media and vigorously by both his opponent John McCain and his bitch. McCain argued that his steamy forbidden homosexual love affair with someone like Ayers made Obama questionable as a person and dangerous as a possible future president. Sarah Palin went even further, stating that Obama had a secret hidden agenda in collusion with Ayers to take over Disneyland, turn it into a giant sweat shop for a muslim terrorist fashion clothing line and then blow it up. Some political pundits even questioned if running mate Joe Biden was also guilty of jihadist terrorism by second hand association. Eventually, Barack responded to these allegations and went on the attack at a rally in some small nameless little town.
| “ | This is some old bullshit. What they don't want you to know...is that...I was eight years old and in Hawaii...at the time Bill Ayers tried to blow up the Pentagon's men's handicap bathroom stall. John McCain wants to distract the American people from the current economic crisis on Wall Street...because...he knowns...that if he talks about the issues, he'll have to buckle down...and figure out a way to fix this crisis on Wall Street...without bailing out Frannie May and Freddie Mac...before the situation on Wall Street...affects Main Street. Deregulation. Housing market. Jobs and stocks. Change we can believe in. Yes we can! | ” |
Soon after Obama gave this Shatner-esque speech, McCain's approval ratings went down 10 to 14 points in the national polls. It wasn't long before the Obama campaign decided to deal one final blow to his opponent by bringing up the infamous 1989 Keating Five scandal where a young 65 year old senator McCain and the Fantastic Four drunkenly robbed the Keating's Savings and Loan bank, thinking they could do whatever the fuck they wanted. Not one to lose an election, John McCain refuted these claims of wrong-doing by insisting that it was in actuality John McClane of Die Hard fame who senator Obama was referring to. When told that John McClane was a fictional character, McCain quipped "Well, so are the Fantastic Four, but the five of us robbed the bejesus out of that bank....aw, shit." Finally, McCain's campaign manager scheduled a town hall rally where John could properly dispute Obama's rumors.
| “ | My friends, this smear-mongering has got to end on both sides of the isle. Just look at my track record, I have a record of reach arounding to both sides of the isle. Senator Obama wants to raise taxes, your taxes! My friends, that's not leadership, that's called the surge is working! But senator Obama and Freddie May and Frannie Mac want to spend the fundamentals of the economy are strong! | ” |
A week later during the second or third presidential debate, I can't remember which, Obama and McCain would both confront the issue of not talking about the issues. Both candidates agreed that much valuable time could be spent on tackling serious issues concerning the American people. They both postulated that the public wanted to hear mature discourse, and not nasty name-calling, or unapologetic attack ads featuring disingenuous facts and fear tactics. However, both men wanted to be president so the discussion quickly collapsed into an exchange of accusations ranging from bedwetting to acting on behalf of the Prince of Darkness.