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Today's featured article
Let's get one thing straight, my dear Wats-onium.
(Puffs cigar).
When you're talking magnetism, you're talking about me. I've got the highest magnetic moment of ANY naturally occurring element. You could call it a magnetic personality. I pull the facts right out of the air. Things are just drawn to me. Like you, and don't deny it. It's a gift, from me to you.
(Gestures to empty seat in front of desk)
In my pure, elemental form, I'm a bright, silvery character. Soft enough to be cut with a knife, IF you can get close enough. But I don't stay pristine for long.
(Coughs).
The streets of this world, this city, the damp air, they tarnish me, give me a yellowish oxide coat.
(Coughs again).
It adds character, and everyone loves character.
(Throws down cigar and picks up pipe). (Full article...)
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Selected anniversaries
December 31: Fuck, What Did I Do This Whole Fucking Year? Day
- 2000 BC - The Ancient Sumerians are the first to observe the New Year as a way to celebrate their slowly impending deaths.
- 1788 - The Scottish convince the world they need to sing at New Year's Eve at midnight, write a song whose lyrics are completely unpronounceable.
- 1900 - The first glowing ball thing that drop when the year ends is invented, initially as a terrorist plot by Irish extremists.
- 2010 - Manufacturers of those novelty glasses shaped like the number of the year start to worry.
- 2017 - Novelty glasses makers give up and just make normal glasses with the years put on top like a bunch of fucking cowards.
- 2025 - You think to yourself: next year's gonna be the year I get my shit together, I'm gonna lose 10 pounds, quit drinking, start opening up to people...
- 2026 - It's a year later, and yet another year has come and gone with nothing to show for it. Maybe next year...
Archived Anniversaries
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Today's word of the day is
procrastination
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.
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In the news
Don't ask what any of this has to do with Christmas.
More Current Events at UnNews News
Did you know...
From Uncyclopedia's biggest morons:
- ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
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