1 (number)

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to 1 (number).

1 is the first number and is also a letter of the alphabet. The number after 1 is "2" and the letter before it is "~". The uppercase 1 is !. 1 represents 1 thing, or one more then zero, or one less then 2. It is also part of the number 11, which is two ones. Or is that 2?

Long thought of as being the loneliest number, One in fact has a healthy, monogamous relationship (naturally) with his long-term girlfriend 2. In all their years together, One has never had an affair.

One achieves this iron self-control over his sexuality by periodically seeking out hookers and strangling them, thus sublimating his desire for sexual variety with the aid of violence.

"Substituting violence for sex is the key to romantic happiness," says One, nodding sagely to the youth who came to his house seeking his wisdom whilst eating One's food and rummaging through One's things, before picking up a coatstand and buggering the young boy to death with the large end.

"You see? There'll be no matrimonial disputes in this house, not while I can maintain my psychopathic zeal for the destruction of innocent young boys," smiled One, as he wiped the young lad's blood from his brow and proceeded to drag the battered corpse into the courtyard of his elegant but discreetly located Victorian house.

A glint in his eye and a spring in his step, he turned to Two; "Be a love, dear, and get my spade". Skipping to the toolshed, Two returned with the biggest spade her dainty hands could carry, and because their love for each other was so strong, they buried that young chap under the plum tree, and walked into the sunset, their hands holding each other's digits.

1 as the Loneliest Number[edit]

Many distinguished numerologists classify 1 as being the loneliest FUCKING number, but in recent years a more popular theory has arisen that classifies 3 as being the loneliest (thus disproving the claim that 2 can be as bad as one and is the loneliest number since the number one). This assertion was first made by Dr. Jerry Springer, MD, after the dark past of 3 was unearthed. Thanks to the tireless work of countless numerologists, we now know that the childhood of 3 was marked by physical and sexual abuse, and an intense psychological dependency on illegal drugs.

Some will argue, that One, is indeed the loneliest number. Some of their arguments: "One has to be the loneliest number, the loneliest number that you'll ever do.". When asked why, they reply with a smirky: "Well, 2 can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one." Indeed, it is. Yet that leaves much room to argue. Argue "about what," you ask? Well, see yes or no for more info on that.

Although unknown to most, 1 is divisible by 1.


It has been argued by some numerologists that the first number is actually 0, but this theory was discredited after Phylicia Rashad proved in 1961 that zero is not actually a number, but is in fact just a circle. The implications of this discovery on mathematics were profound. For example, scientists and mathematicians now treat 1, 10 and 100 as the same numbers. For her discovery Rashad won the Nobel Prize in Mathematics.

For some time, 1 was known as the first number, and 0, although a discredited number and not the first number, was the number before 1. 0 was therefore known as the 0th number, and being the smallest, is still an important member in the class of discredited numbers. As a generalisation, -1 was then the -1th number, -2 the -2nd, and so on, until -infintity was found as the -infinitieth number, which was then thought to be the first number, since it was without doubt before all other numbers. 1 was then known as only the first first number and not the absolute first number. But after the full class of first numbers was enumerated, it was realised that the first first number is equally as important, if not more so, than the absolute first number. Within the class of first numbers, -infinity is known as the (infinitiy+1)th first number, which is proven to be not such a snazzy sounding name as the absolute first number. 1 therefore regained its primary position.


Field studies indicate that 1 may be toxic to pregnant women and nursing mothers. Exposure to 1 should also be avoided if you have a George Bush allergy or dislike the taste of Orange shavings. Side effects may include cottonmouth, nosebleeds and chronic diarrhea. The LD50 of 1 can range from 7µg/kg (rare trimethylated 1, from The Moon), to 3000kg/kg (ordinary garden variety 1 dihydride, from Belgium)

1337 h4x[edit]

Some 1337 h4x, including, but not limited to, 1337 h4xX0rz and 1337 h4XX0rZ, will replace exclamation points (!) with ones (1). This makes them pwn j00 and that's how they totally 1337 h4x. E.G.: ROFLMAO!!1!!!1. Notice the sneaky input of the "1"s in between exclamation points. The purpose of this 1337 h4x is to prove to the rest of the h4xX0rz community that the user is indeed a 1337 h4Xx0r or 1337 h4xX0r, and not a n00b. n00b.

Mathematical Implications[edit]

1 + 1 is 3 for extremely large values of 1. how many times does 1 go into 0=as many times as it wants!!! 1 is also confused with his twin 0.9999999... although many mathematicians have attempted to distinguish between the two, the numerical cannibalism act of '87 ensured that once 0.9999999... is caught, he/she will be swiftly plumped, stuffed and roasted and eaten by all numbers within the inequality: 0< (no one likes negatives).

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