One-eyed, one-horned, flying, purple, people eater

The Ferocious Mutated Bear of Iraq

There are two explanations as to what a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is.

The first is a term reffering to a sexually active male. Hence, "one eyed, one horned" is reffering to the male reproductive organ. It is also noted that when listening to the song about One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters while beleiving it to be a term reffering to a sexually active male, you may find the song even more amusing then you at first found it. As to the "flying, purple people eater" part, this reffers to when said male is extremely shitfaced and decided to please his female.

The second, and more logical explanation is that the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is an alien creature – a form of an extremely dangerous mutation of the Iraqi two eyed, two horned, flying, turquoise people eater; which evolved over a series of trippy events.

Evolution Tale

September 16, 1971 was like any other September night in Baghdad. After a long day in school, where he took classes such as Cruel and Unusual Punishments 101, Beating Shiites: The Basics, and Home Ec., Uday Hussein was walking home when he noticed a shipment of toxic chemicals were being taken to be dumped on some innocent Kurds. Suddenly, an idea to play a practical joke on his loving father sprang into his head, so he used his authority as the Dictator's son ("If you don't do what I say my daddy will pay to have you killed") to acquire some of these toxic chemicals. That night at dinner, when his caring father wasn't looking, little innocent Uday slipped a vile of said chemicals over Saddam's chicken and a little into his wine.

That night, poor Saddam came down with a horrible case of the squirts (that is the technical name for them). After several dozen flushings of his gold plated toliet, Iraq's top quality sewage system carried the Dictator's toxic defication into the backyard of a Kurd family.

This quiet, peaceful kurd neighborhood had the unlucky nature to be built right in the breeding ground of the vicious Iraqi two eyed, two horned, flying, turquoise people eaters. One of these two eyed, two horned, flying, turquoise people eaters was very thirsty after just having to chase several Kurds from its mating den where it kept its bear bitches, and strolling through the above mentioned backyard, discovered the sewer pit, and, being a stupid Iraqi two eyed, two horned, flying, turquoise people eater (they are well known as the most unintelligent of all the eyed, horned, people eaters), decided to have a drink. From some unknown phenomenon, Saddam Hussein was not at all affected by the toxic waste, but the two eyed, two horned, flying, turquoise people eater was severely altered.

Some scholars have speculated that Hussein was not changed in the least because he was already so messed up he could not be screwed with anymore. This hypothesis was widely seen among scholars as incredibly ridiculous, but since no better explanation could be found, it was adopted by the scientific community. Further experiments were conducted over the years to find a more plausible explanation, but since the Dictator's death, the Scientific Community's overall opinion has been described by the head of Oxford's Science Division as quote, "Err, screw it! Who really cares anyway?!"

Unfortunately though, the two eyed, two horned, flying, turquoise people eater suffered enormous amounts of physical and mental damage. Over a period of a week he and all other Iraqi two eyed, two horned, flying, turquoise people eater who drank from the sewer were transformed into to vicious One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters.

The Danger

Remains of an attack

Do not ever ever ever under-estimate the ferocity of the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater. This beast can grow to and average of 666' tall and weigh approximately 69 tons. With razor sharp teeth it can rip through any material in the world, with the exception of the skin of Stephen Colbert. This creature's one giant eye, which can extend as much as 2.5' in diameter, can see for 7 miles and possesses X-ray, Infrared, Spinach, and Banana Nut vision. Only three people in the world have survived a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater attack by fighting back: Stephen Colbert, Chuck Norris, and Jesus H. Christ. However, Mr. Norris sustained terrible gashes to the buttocks and Mr. Christ, while trying to pray the beast away, was stabbed through his wrists with the razor sharp horn. These wounds were later blamed on the nails of the cross when he was crucified, in order to jump start the Catholic Faith.

There is a mere chance of 2 to the power of 602,200,000,000,000,000,000,001 against of survival when coming in contact with a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater. There are three rare situations where the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater won't want to eat a helpless victim, however.

The first is if the vicious creature simply just finished one meal and has already filled its appetite. While they are extremely vicious creatures, One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters are very self-conscious. They possess absolutely no self-esteem what so ever because other horned, eyed, people eater species will make fun of them calling them either "One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple, Fatties" or "You're the fucking purple people eater version of Michael Moore, bitch!" These aren't all that great insults (granted they do come from the minds of bears), but the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters are still very hurt by them and have once been known to have run home crying for their mommies.

Of course since the chance of survival when meeting a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is also equal to the chance of actually meeting one. Finding an already full beast is extremely rare.

No one knows the second.

The third is that you taste bad. One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eaters have 6 very sensitive taste buds and if your flavor disagrees with any of these six, the beast won't eat you. In order to test for this before eating a victim, the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater will simply lick a person before chowing down. If you are licked by a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater and it decides not to eat you, you have your life but are turned purple for the rest of your days. There are only around a dozen people still alive today who have survived an attack this way. They are pictured here:

Survivors of a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater attack due to tasting bad

Precautions

If you are unfortunate enough to stumble upon a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater, the following simple steps should be taken to increase the chance of survival from 2 to the power of 602,200,000,000,000,000,000,001 to 2 to the power of 602,200,000,000,000,000,000,000:

1. If you are hiking through the mountains of Iraq with a friend:
   1. Try to let your friend be eaten. This will ensure that the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is full and will not eat you.

1. If you are alone:
   1. You're pretty much screwed. Sorry.
   2. Fall to your knees and pray to Stephen Colbert that you make it to the playboy mansion.
   3. Reflect upon your life and hope you have led a decent where people liked you (I mean how horrible would it be if you're about to die and you know everyone thought you were an annoying ball-less prick).
   4. If possible, find some means of taking your own life before the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater reaches you (understandably, this could be quite difficult).
   5. If you fail step #3, curl up into a ball and hope the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater won't want to devour you. Who knows, maybe you don't have enough meat on you.

The best precaution against any attack from a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater is to never hike through the mountains of Iraq. We must pray to Stephen Colbert for the safety of our troops over in Iraq who face the threat of a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater attack every day.