User:Zhenkang123/Sandbox/Kim Jong Un
“I'm a little despot, short and stout.”
“Is Un-cyclopedia named after Kim Jong-Un? Or vice versa? I don't know. Check it out yourself!”
~ Founders of Uncyclopedia
Kim Jong-un (born 8 January 1984), referred to by his slaves as Kim Jong Number-Un and KimJongdaGoon, and by everyone else as Kim Fatty III, Kim "Rocket Man" Jong-un, The FATernAL Leader and Party Chairman Kim V3.0 and Launcher Of Failed Missiles or Almighty Leader King Chancellor Dictator Governor Emperor Commander Chief Manager Captain Ruler President, or, most commonly known to Russians as Kim Kardasiun: is a kid who somehow rose to the position of führer of Communist China. He is the grandson of Kim Il-sung, the ever-shining sun and zombie-president of North Korea, and a future glorious dictator of the Awesomest Land in the World – The Korean Sun Empire.
Early life[edit | edit source]
The location and date of Kim Jong-un's birth is unknown because enemies of The People's Republic of Korea (over which he reigns) avoid imagining Kim Jong-il during coitus, but it is assumed that he did the deed while listening to Big in Japan, One night in Bangkok or (I just) died in your arms tonight. However, there were several eyewitnesses, unfortunately, all of them died due to natural causes such as lead poisoning of vital organs, who faithfully recorded the signs that indicated his descent from the heavens. Kim Jong-un is known in North Korea as the greatest toy rocket shooter, and bans all toy rockets that will shoot higher than his home-made ones. He often likes to threaten world peace by firing his biggest rockets into the air and hoping they make it out of his backyard.
His siblings also attended the school with him with the cover story that they were all children of North Korean embassy workers in Switzerland. As one can see, North Korean leaders are well aware of how crappy their country is and opt to send their overweight children to the best schools while everyone else in North Korea eats fried dirt or starves. Kim was forced to learn English, German, and a weird French accent.
A principal's report on Kim:
"There was one day he knocked over this fat kid who had diarrhoea, then marked his ass with an H. He kept slapping it until it eventually exploded. It was his first successful H-Bum test. The teacher put him in detention, where he became the leader of the Detention's Republic of Cholera, eventually censoring all windows and doors."
It is unknown where those poor children have gone to, as they were never found again. It is also later reported the principal and the teachers mysteriously disappeared. However, it is believed that they were moved to slave camps in North Korea, where they continue to eat fried dirt or starve.
Political ascent[edit | edit source]
Kim Jong-Un became Supreme Leader of North Korea after a series of strategic political moves. In a clever stroke of genius that one can only expect from a North Korean leader, Jong-Un chose to be born the son of North Korea's leader. It was a politically risky move, but Jong-Un knew the attitudes of North Koreans were changing. He mitigated his "perceived incompetence" by continuing to be the son of North Korea's Supreme Leader, which did eventually eroded any doubt that he was unsuited for power.
Many expected Kim Jong-Il's first son, Kim Jong-nam, to be the next leader. The Japanese correctly told everyone that Jong-Un would be the next in power, as one of their only spies in North Korea happened to be Kim Jong-il's sushi chef. It was during one of the regular golf games that Jong-il paid the chef to play with him that he mentioned how Jong-Un was preferred because his birth was "planned", whereas 'Nam' disgraced himself to his family while visiting Disneyland in Tokyo and puking all over Space Mountain, and got arrested for being a 'public nuisance'. Meanwhile, Kim Jong-chul, the second son of Jong-il, was also deemed unfit for a political career in the glorious country of North Korea because he is busy doing something else and wouldn't be back
till North Korea collapses.
Kim Jong-un's father realises that he himself is slowly beginning to melt under too much exposure of the brightness of Kim Il-sung's sun, so he decided it was time to present his son to the curious people all over the world. Kim Jong-un had control over the army and learnt how to dominate people who are less powerful than him. Once everybody in his country is afraid of him, he will take charge of the Korean nuclear program and bother his southern neighbour with subterranean atomic bombs just to shake the country and ruin their crockery.
Ascension to power[edit | edit source]
arrested released himself to his subjects on realising that The Dear Leader, aka V2.0, would soon become The Dead Leader. Sure enough, his father then died from a terrible heart attack, making him the first North Korean to die from being too fat since Kim Il-Sung. The leader's heart was immediately extracted and publicly hanged since it was responsible for killing the dear fat leader. V3.0 demonstrated not only all the bugs from all the previous versions but also plenty of new ones as well. His built-in games were found to be far more exciting, bloodier and sinister by his subjects. He thus assured his subjects of no major disruption of their heavenly lifestyle and mentally prepared them for the dreadful event ahead.
After crying tears of joy during his father's funeral, He publicly announced that all people in the country need to show up on Kim Il Sung square and divide themselves into groups of 10. They will be given 10 straws, but one is shorter than the others. It is a sad day for a person who takes out the shortest straw, because he will live, and the other ones will be sacrificed in the glory of their great emperor. This was a remarkable and innovative substitute to the standard norm of ritualistic crying. He also promised a new, clear future for North Korea and exhorted North Koreans to follow emperor Kim Jong-Un faithfully.
Feverish rule[edit | edit source]
Kim Jong-un shows signs of following in his father and grandfather's footsteps, claiming that he invented gravity (thus leading one to wonder why people stayed on the ground) before he was born unless Kim Jong-il and Kim Il-sung just used their divine power to keep people on the ground, has invented a miracle cure for AIDS, Cancer, and Ebola, learned to drive when he was three and won a yacht race when he was nine. Oh, and he actually thought that Dennis Rodman was Barack Obama. Never mind, when he met Rodman, Kim made him his right-hand man and personal maid, cook, plumber, powder room assailant, lover, among other things. To promote peace between North Korea and the U.S.A., Kim and Rodman organized a basketball game between former NBA players and North Korean basketball stars, with Kim himself manning the point-guard position. It didn't end well, however. Though Kim might have been the guard, his only real experience with guards is calling them in to behead generals. This play is not found in the NBA rulebook, and Kim failed to reach the basket even once and wound up threatening a missile strike. He had to be taken off the court as a basket case. Kim is finished as a basketball star, but to everyone else's delight, he will remain in the public spotlight as a gifted and enthusiastic dictator.
Since the death of the second Kim, he managed to avoid the predicted chaos that some expected to happen — and by "chaos," we mean internal collapse, not the Armageddon that he will face from the USA, South Korea, and even China if he continues with launching nuclear threats. (Still, in 2012, his navy sank the South Korean fishing fleet when they crossed into disputed waters after a mackerel with a poor sense of orientation.)
With that being said, there are reports that his ascension to power has triggered infighting inside the North Korean Army; this has culminated in the public execution of Jang Song Taek, his Number Two and uncle in late 2013, along with most of Jang's family. Jang was tied up on a shooting range and killed by a field gun fired by Kim Jong-un. (Later, Kim Jong-un said he thought it would be a funny prank to play on someone he had long wanted to 'retire'. The news broke on what was the 12th to most readers in the English-speaking world, but it was certainly Friday the 13th for Uncle.)
Family[edit | edit source]
Kim Jong-un was
overjoyed saddened at the death of his elder brother Kim Jong 'Fat Bear'-Nam. He died from inhaling Vietnamese perfume, made from Kim Jong-uniya orchid flower extract made from Singapore, whilst waiting for a plane in Malaysia. Two women have since been arrested for the deadly assault. Both claim it was a YouTube prank gone wrong and that it was still better than Logan Paul's video, and not an assassination. Kim has asked Malaysia to return his brother's body so that it can be stuffed and placed inside North Korea's Enemies of the Revolutionary Patriotic Korean People museum, alongside other family members, distant cousins, extended family members of his extended family, and ex-girlfriends of Kim Jong-un.
If other things hadn't gone wrong Kim Jong-un's secret sibling Michael Chung showed up with his own rocket designed to make the whole land of North Korea Obese however the fat Kim didn't want that coz he wanted to be the fattest cubby boy in the land so he jumped on the rocket. using his fat as f*** he blasted open the control room and deactivated the system however his fatness got in the way causing the skinny leaver to be activated. To make things worse this caused the whole area of North Korea to become skinny. yet again another one of Kim's brothers died as the skinny-ness... MADE HIM HEALTHY. It turned out that Michael wasn't actually his brother but Kim Jong Nam in disguised however this time he was dead forever. As he shed a single super salty tear onto his corpse. Kim then later decided to shoot him into the ocean on a giant rocket to feed Godzilla, pleased with this skinny Asian offering he then went to destroy Tokyo instead of Pyongyang.
Following a hilarious stroke in 2008, Kim Jong-il became obsessed with wanting his son to be married. North Korean officials made the only possible decision they could, by taking Hyon Song-wol, a singer in the government-run North Korean music industry, and renaming her Ri Sol-ju. She was forcibly and hastily married to Jong-un in 2009 then enrolled in science courses at Kim il-Sung University. Her science education made it possible for them to spawn a daughter in 2010.
Mad Tea Parties with other ignorant nations[edit | edit source]
In 2018 Kim Jong-un went on a couple of holiday breaks after killing (by accident) all the necessary people he deemed 'unimportant'. The first was to China to share a panda with. In April Kim Jong-un meet a Moonie after exploring the depths of the forbidden zone known as the DMZ. This was the South Korean leader Moon Jae-in. They agreed to physically merge and become one person to be called Kim Moon-Shine. Sadly the North Korean people were not aware of the meeting.
Mad Trump's Tea Party[edit | edit source]
In a bold decision after being possessed by the south Koreans, he decided the time is ripe to host a nice meeting with his North Korea employee-of-the-month Donald Trump in Little Red Dot in June 2018. Kim wrote (in North Korean), I Promise to Dissemble my Nuclear Weapons and gave it to Trump while eating chili crab with him. The Leader of the Free World smiled and placed it in his pocket. We have dealed!. Analysts, however, wondered if Kim Jong-un mispelt what he wrote in his message.
This was Kim Jong-un's greatest day. Even the state media of North Korea KCNA has a full 200-page essay of his trip to Singapore, with 199.5 of them being pictures.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- So far, he is shaping up to be even worse than his father and his grandfather.
This is pretty much the extent of what is known about him and it's entirely plausible that this is also the extent of the CIA's file on him.
Lastly, according to the political bureau of Uncyclopedia, Kim Jong-un has nothing to do with Uncyclopedia. Any similarities with the name and the bad sense of humour are accidental.